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samantha20

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samantha20 last won the day on February 4 2009

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  1. I'm reading 'this book will save your life'. It won't, trust me, it will make you wanna die of boredom. It's about nothing. It's about this incredibly dull guy that has a very boring life and then he makes friends with some equally boring people.
  2. I just want to say thankyou so much. You were right all along, I couldn't see it at the time because I felt so 'addicted' to my ex, but NC WAS the answer. I didn't believe it, but it turned out to be true. If you're trying to get over someone and don't know if NC is the way to go then PLEASE LISTEN TO ME. It doesn't feel like it at the time, but it DOES WORK. You won't feel better after a few days or even weeks, but after at least a couple of months of NC you WILL slowly start to feel better and stronger. You will think about your ex less and less as long as you stick to it. Please believe me, I promise it's true.
  3. I've created a thread about this but wanted to see what you guys think. I decided that maybe my ex and I could be friends. I was worried i would end up a crying wreck but things went a little differently. I saw her before our arranged meeting..she had told me that she was in lectures all day so couldn't see me until the evening, then I saw her in a shop in the middle of the day with her bf. She said hello and I said 'I have to go' and walked out. Then I went back and asked why she had lied about being in lectures all day and she said that one of them had been cancelled and that she didn't lie. We met up in the evening, for the first time in 3 weeks. we went to the pub. I had accepted just being friends...Then she started saying 'are you still in love with me?' and I kept saying 'no', because I didn't want to give her the satisfaction. And she was all like 'so you wouldn't want me back?' and I was like 'no, not after you've been with him'. And she kept saying 'you're lying, you still love me don't you?' I asked if she still loved me and she said she didn't know. I found all this confusing, because when she dumped me, she said it was because she didn't love me anymore. I asked if she was happy with her new bf, and she said that it was 'ok' and that she didn't know how long it would last. I asked if she's happier with him than she was with me, and she said that it wasn't comparable because we're different people and that it's just 'different' with him. He obviously wasn't happy with her meeting up with me. He wouldn't stop texting and calling her, and even turned up at the pub we were at, saying that he needed his keys to get something that he left in her flat. She went outside to give him the keys, and I saw her kiss him, which actually felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart. Then we went back to mine to drink some wine I had there. I honestly didn't think that anything would happen, because she had made it clear over and over that she didn't love me and wanted to be with this guy. Then she carried on asking if I still loved her, and I said 'why does it matter??' and she said, 'I still love you, I'm being honest, why can't you?' I said 'In what way do you love me?' and she said 'in every way' and then started kissing me. she kept kissing me passionately, then stopping and saying '* * * * , we shouldn't be doing this..how can I expect you to believe that I didn't cheat on you when I'm doing it with you to someone else?' and then kissing me again. The whole time her boyfriend was ringing her and she was ignoring the calls. Then she pushed me down and said 'I want to make love to you..' unfortunately I had to be at work in 10 mins and really had to go. We kissed again and she said 'I love you' and I said 'then why the hell did you leave me?' and she said that she didn't know. She said 'I guess this complicates things..I miss you so much..' Then she walked me to work, her boyfriend was there because I work with him, and she went off to talk to him and suck up to him for not answering his calls. Then she came up to me squeezed my hand and said 'can I see you tomorrow?' I said yes and she kissed me again, said that she loved me and walked off. I could hardley sleep that night, I was so happy and excited. I thought she wanted me back.. I met up with her at the time she said, we went to a cafe and had lunch. She said 'I'm so sorry about last night?' and I said 'why?' and she said 'it didn't mean anything, I'm sorry, it was wrong..I'm happy with my bf and I don't want to cheat on him.' He had spent the night at hers after work..the same night she had tried to sleep with me, the same night I could hardley sleep with hope and excitement... I said that she had said that she loved me, and she said 'I don't know how I feel, I was drunk.. but I never want to hurt my bf and I want to be with him'. I said 'but you don't care about hurting me?' and she was just like 'I'm sorry, he can give me a future, you can't..I'm sorry I've hurt you and confused you..it's him I want to be with and I feel awful for cheating on him. Please accept just being friends'. Then she walked away to meet him. Now it's valentine's day and I feel like I have nothing to live for. should I start nc again? It felt like I was so close to having her back...
  4. I don't think I can do this. I've arranged to meet up with my ex as friends tonight. It'll be the first time I've actually seen her in over 3 weeks. This could go horribly wrong I know.. She's happy with her bf, I just miss her so much that I feel like friends is better than nothing. It's kind of an experiment really.. If it goes horribly wrong and I end up a crying wreck then I'll know that I can't be friends with her and will start nc again. I just hate not having her in my life. I suggested going out for a drink and she said she doesn't have any money, so I said that I have a bottle of wine at home and she then said that she can't drinks because she's on medication.. hmm. Do you think that she doesn't want to drink because she doesn't trust herself not to come on to me? Or is that just wishful thinking..?
  5. day 5. Just want to know that she is thinking about me and missing me..that's all I want. I'm sick of waking up and having the realisation hit me ever morning. I honestly don't think I'm ever going to get over her..she made me feel things I never knew I could feel. No one has ever affected me so intensely.
  6. ugh I'm so sad. I've been watching tv in my flat all day, now I'm alone in my room listening to break up songs. I feel like Bridget Jones and it's not even Valentines day yet! Don't know how I'm gonna get through that.. I'm actually looking forward to work tonight, it'll be the first time I've been out in 2 days. I only have 1 seminar a week! I'm like a lonely old spinster at 20 years old.. I need a hobby or something. Sorry for that little insight into my life lol.
  7. day 4.. I'm slowly becoming more and more like I was before I met her. I've lost so much weight and am dressing like a 20 year old, rather than trying to be all smart and 'grown up' for her. I still miss her so so much though.. I feel so sad.
  8. hey guys. I'm on day three now of my second attempt at nc. I got to day 10 last time and cracked.. I was feeling SO positive the other day as you can see from my last post, but I'm really wavering again I feel like she's erased me from her mind after 2 years of being inseperable. We've only been broken up just over a month, and she's already been with her new bf for a month. It hurts so much. Being replaced is worse than her not wanting me. I'm back in town with her again and she hasn't attempted to contact me at all. I was so tempted to text her today, but I stopped myself. The only thing keeping me going is the thought that she misses me too but is too stubborn to initiate contact. I want to know that she misses me, even if it's just as a friend. After being like my siamese twin for like 2 years how is it possible for her to not miss me at all?? I don't know where my positivity has gone. She's destroyed our relationship and friendship, so why am I the one desperate to fix it? I feel like she's waiting for me to apologise or something! Another thing stopping me from texting her is that last week I text her and she ignored me, which really hurt and messed me up again, because it shattered my illusion that she was missing me but waiting for me to make the first move. I don't know why I'm willing to settle for just friends after everything she's done. I just miss her SO much. And I'm glad that I've had some space to work on myself, but there's still a big girlfriend shaped hole in my heart. I don't know why I'm relapsing, I even walked past her house today on purpose, just to feel close to her. I shouldn't still be doing that after a month. I'm so lonely guys, I want some affection
  9. keep going getmeback! I'm on day 2 after starting again. I keep dreaming about her which is really annoying! But then I also dreamt I had sex with my flat mate who I don't even like! She hasn't tried to contact me.. she's hurt me so much since we broke up that it's easier to do nc because I can't handle being dropped for her new bf over and over. I've given up on her for now, I don't want to think about her anymore.
  10. Thanks for your advice getmeback, I know you're right, she does seem to reel me in every now and again just to see if i will still take the bait. I'm so sick of the way she has treated me since we broke up and I know that I really need to complete this challenge. After she sent me that message saying she missed me I took the bait and asked to meet up. It hurt so bad, because that day she completely ignored me. It had taken so much for me to be prepared to meet with her after everything and her ignoring me felt like she had thrown everything back in my face. So I said 'if you're busy then say no rather than ignoring me'. She didn't reply. I know I should have left it at that and reinstated nc but I was just so annoyed that she had said she missed me and then ignored me and I rang her in tears. She was all like 'I'm out with my bf at the moment, whats up'. Ouch. I asked why she was ignoring my messages and she said that she hadn't got them yet which must have been bull as I sent them early in the morning and it was night time when I called her. She said she was spending the night with her bf but would see me the next day if I wanted. I shouldn't have agreed but I wanted to see if being friends was less painful than sitting around on my own. So the next day I walked to the place we agreed to meet and waited in the cold for her for 10 mins. Then i got a text saying 'i'm so so sorry, my mum is picking me up to take me to a hospital appointment in swansea that i forgot about'. I was pissed off and didn't believe her. i walked straight round to her flat and knocked on the door to talk to her but she didn't answer. I thought she was probably in there with her bf and purposely ignoring me, so i walked home in tears. I didn't believe her. She text me the next day saying that the hospital had 'cut her open' to remove a mole and that she was in pain, trying to enforce her story but I still didn't believe it. I told her that I didn't believe her and she got angry and swore at me, saying that she didn't need me not believeing her. Whether it was true or not I'm still sick of her. She still ignored me all day on monday and I don't believe that she never got my messages. I also don't believe that she didn't know her mum was picking her up for a hospital appointment, it was like something she made up quickly to get out of seeing me. I met up with a friend the same day who told me that my ex's bf had told her that they got together at the beginning of the xmas holidays which means that she had been cheating on me for nearly a month. I decided to send my ex 1 last message saying everything I felt and then go back to nc and complete the challenge. I told her that I knew she had cheated on me, how hurt I was that she had dropped me from her life and was constantly lying to me, how much she had meant to me and all the things that i miss that we used to do and the things we used to joke about. Her reply seemed so short and cold compared to all the emotion i had put into mine. She just said something like 'I didn't cheat on you. Alison (my friend) is lying because my bf told her no such thing. You've hurt me too you know, everything else aside you were my only friend'. I have no idea how I'm supposed to have 'hurt her too'. Anyway, I realised that it can't go on. It's not even a case of seeing whether I can cope with just being friends, because even trying to do that she either ignores me or lies about why she can't meet up. She says she wants to stay friends but her actions say different. She hadn't asked to meet up in 2 weeks and when I finally asked her she ignored me the first time and cancelled the 2nd. I can't handle that kind of treatment anymore. It was bad enough her dumping me for someone that she swore she didn't want to be with, but messing me around as a friend as well is too much. That day I was so angry, but I feel a bit calmer now. I went to the dr who diagnosed depression and i'm gonna start counselling, which i think will be helpful. I've realised that other than physically stabbing me in the heart there's not much else she can do to hurt me. She broke up with me 3 times in 2 months, strung me along, cheated on me (I think), broke up with me over the phone new year's eve of all times and started a new relationship straight away, then pretty much cut me out of her life after saying that she would always be there for me and be close to me. Why should I keep trying to stay in her life after all that? There's nothing else she can do, no more blows she can give me. At least now I'm not fearing any more bombshells. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's how i feel. It's like when your worst nightmare comes true, at least you no longer have to live in fear of it happening one day. Right now I don't even want to see or talk to her anymore. I'm sick of her and her lies and her betrayal. I've got nothing left for her to take. I've shed enough tears, I've stopped eating properly, felt anger, hurt, desperation..I've tried begging, pleading, getting angry, ignoring, trying to stay friends, everything. I can't be on this rollercoaster anymore. I can't keep crying, there's no point wasting energy on anger and frustration and i've got no fight left in me to try and hold on to her. I've been trying to hold on to a woman that doesn't even exist anymore. She's changed so much and the way she's treating me proves that she doesn't care anymore. It's really time to let go. I just wish I could control my dreams - last night I dreamt that she was kissing me and telling me that she had made a mistake and that she wanted me not her bf. But it isn't true - I can't keep fighting a losing battle and there's nothing else she can do to hurt me, it's kind of liberating. I'm just putting her away in a little box in my mind and focusing on myself now. It kind of helps if I think 'maybe in a few years time she'll want me again', maybe by then i won't want her anymore. It probably won't happen, but it consoles me a bit to think that maybe one day when the dust has settled she can be in my life again. I really do feel like I am starting to get 'me' back. I've realised that when I started going out with my ex, I changed a lot, and I seem to be gradually going back to the person i was before I met her. I'm finally starting to see the negative things about our relationship. She smothered me - wouldn't let me go out with friends, encouraged me to give up surfing and drama societies at uni to spend all my time with her. She made it so that she became my world, by taking away anything else that held my attention like friends and hobbies. She didn't even like me visiting my family at I went for months at a time without seeing them. She also made me completely dependent on her by driving me everywhere and helping me do everything that I used to do myself - I wasn't independent anymore, and I began to feel like I needed her to do everything with me. If I needed to go shopping she would drive me there and back, she took me to and from work and to uni, she helped me with everything. She always insisted on doing everything with me and helping me with everything and took away all my independence. I gave up all the hobbies I loved and isolated myself from friends and family. No wonder breaking up hit me so hard - she made herself my world then left me. It felt weird doing even simple things myself again and I had no social life. The whole time we were together I thought that she must really love me to want me to make her the centre of my world. Now i realise it was all about control and manipulation. Convincing me to give up my friends, family and hobbies, taking away my independence, giving me a black eye on my birthday just for talking to someone else - that wasn't all love, it was control. She even went mad at me for riding the bike I got for my birthday because she didn't want me doing things without her! And I actually stopped riding my new bike after that because I thought that I was in the wrong! Everytime I went home, even just for a few days for xmas, she would be nasty and patronising - saying that I was just a little girl that couldn't handle being an adult and that I had to 'grow up' and stay away from my family, stay with her. I actually believed her, I missed my family so much but stayed away because I didn't want her to see me as a child. She convinced me to cut my hair short, again patronising me and saying that I looked like a little girl with long hair. I liked my hair but I wanted to please her. I used to like wearing bright colours and beaded jewelry but she wanted me to wear more 'grown up' stuff and pretty much chose all my clothes for me and bought me silver jewelry and would say 'take off those childish beads'. I was only 18 when she met, but she wouldn't let me enjoy being young. I spent evenings in with her, drinking wine whilst my student friends were out partying. I love music but she hated it and didn't want me going to gigs anymore. I haven't been to a gig in about 2 years and I used to love jumping around in the mosh pit. She made me ashamed of everything I liked that wasn't to do with her. I changed so much for her! I'm looking at a picture of me when i was 18 just before i met her. I had long wavy hair, a bright yellow top with black polka dots on it, a beaded necklace and jeans. I looked so carefree, i was out enjoying myself with friends, I was full of confidence which doing drama really helped me with, had a slim figure from surfing and had a good social life and was completely independent and fine with being single. My ex changed all that, she changed my appearance, took everyone away from me and made me 'grow up'. Now I can wear what I want, pick up hobbies again, go out with my friends, listen to music, visit my family whenever I want, grow my hair long again, ride my bike! I'm starting to finally feel liberated. Being single doesn't have to be about being lonely, just independent. But I'm really starting to think that it's a good thing. I really feel like I'm getting 'me' back. I can't believe it's taken a month after our break up to realise how controlling she was. I know that she can't be blamed entirely because I let her mould me, but she was a stronger personality and I was so desperate to please her. I thought that everything she did was out of love. I think that she did love me, but was also very controlling. But the fact is that she has thrown me away, and I'm finally starting to think that maybe it's for the best. I think that this has been an important realisation and something which will really help me stick to nc because I realise that I don't need anyone else to be complete. Of course I still miss her and love her, but I feel stronger, and like I can function without her. I'm not going to cry or get angry or fight for her anymore. If she ever comes back into my life, I'll show her that I am her equal and don't need her and won't be controlled. But for now I'm just going to be me and try and cut the line she reels me in with. I hope my positivity stays, maybe it's just a good day.
  11. you should check out amy lee's demos. 'October' is good.
  12. I guess it's day one again. I had got to day 10, and then she text me saying 'I miss you and I thought I miss her so much too, maybe I could just see her as a friend. I'm back in town again so it's hard to fight the urge to see her when I'm here. So I text her saying 'do you want to see me?' no reply all day. That hurt a lot because she had said she missed me. So I went to the club her bf works in with my flat mates and it was so hard seeing him. He kept looking at me as well and I just felt like he was gloating. After a few drinks I text my ex again 'how can you ignore me after everything we've been through? you said after we broke up that you would still always be there for me but you've completely dropped me. I don't deserve to be ignored, I thought you cared about me. why are you trying to hurt me and be nasty? we always said nothing would come between us. I'm so so hurt that you could be like this. If you ignore me again then I'll know you don't care about me at all.' she hasn't replied and I feel like * * * * now. I know I shouldn't have contacted her, but I never thought that if I did contact her she would ignore me. She said that she missed me. and when we broke up she was begging me to stay her best friend. I'm so hurt. It's made me feel so anxious because I feel like I've lost her as a friend as well and that I might never see her again. I keep thinking back to all the times that we said that we would always be there for eachother no matter what and that we would always be in eachother's lives even if it's just as friends. I don't know what she's trying to do. If she doesn't want anything to do with me, why text me saying she misses me? I'm sick of these stupid texts, never knowing if she's gonna reply or when. I can't call her because her reception doesn't stay long enough to talk. I want to go to hers and confront her once and for all about whether she wants to be friends or if she's gonna keep messing me around. But I don't want to turn up at her flat to find her bf there. I can't believe how much my life has changed over the past couple of months. I walk around town seeing all the places that we went together and feel it will never be like that again. I miss her so much. At this point I would be willing to be her friend rather than losing her from my life, but she just ignores me and plays games. I'm feeling so low. I didn't feel like there was a reason to get out of bed this morning. I know I should be moving forward but it really does feel impossible when I live in the same town as my ex that's filled with memories of our relationship. I'm gonna keep going home every week because I can't stand being here. I'm just gonna go back to nc from the start because I can't go through initiating contact and being ignored again. It hurts too much.
  13. I'm a little tispsy right now so I apologise. I was just drinking in the club her bf works in and couldn't handle seeing him. I had to leave. I have to start nc again from the beginning because I broke contact and it was stupid of me. I'm sorry, I feel like I've let myself down. I feel so bad. she doesn't care. I need to realise that.
  14. day 10. she sent me a text last night saying 'hey. how u doin? R u ok? can't believe my exam was so * * * * on friday! what have u been up to? I miss u what does she want from me? I feel like she's playing games. She texts me asking how I am and what I've been up to but never asks to meet up. If she misses me, why does she never ask to see me? I miss her so much. I'm so so tempted to ask to see her. I want to see her face, cuddle her, smell her perfume.. I know it will hurt, and after the way she's broken my heart I shouldn't want to see her. But since she left me I've been existing from day to day, never happy, just trying to muddle along. It isn't getting easier..
  15. day 9. My date from friday hasn't contacted me again. neither has my ex. I feel quite worthless at the moment. I don't know why I feel I need other people to give me validation. The fact that my ex hasn't asked to see me once in 9 days hurts, it feels like she has forgotten me. I'm having a really bad day.
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