Jump to content

sayer7

Silver Member
  • Posts

    358
  • Joined

  • Days Won

    1

sayer7 last won the day on December 1 2007

sayer7 had the most liked content!

About sayer7

  • Birthday 01/08/1979

sayer7's Achievements

Rising Star

Rising Star (9/14)

  • First Post
  • Collaborator
  • Conversation Starter
  • Week One Done
  • One Month Later

Recent Badges

6

Reputation

  1. That night I'd found out I had another tumor-- my first tumor had been malignant-- and the reason I was getting the tumors was because I was trying hormone treatments to be able to have children one day-- from the get-go when we became seriously involved and lived together I'd told him that I wanted to get married and have children, and even if I couldn't have children I wanted to adopt... he always replied, "if I have a child with you I will love it." And thus I commenced on the fertility treatments which resulted in me getting my first tumor that needed surgery. Then that day I went to the doctor and found out about the second one-- I came home and was discussing it and he told me he "never wanted children to begin" with and he "didn't know why I'd started the treatments in the first place".... which I then became really angry and broke up with him. After that many years, I thought our feelings were mutual about wanting to have children and it was a slap in the face to find out it was never so. But even a couple years before we broke up when the treatments had started working and became fertile again, I'd told him we needed to buy condoms if we weren't ready to have children just yet-- he always refused to buy condoms. Every time he asked for sex I asked him, "Did you buy condoms?" His answer was always "No." I was trying to point out that he needed to take responsibility in the relationship. Because he never bought condoms, we stopped having sex. A few days ago we light-heartedly talked about getting back together and I asked him if he was willing to buy condoms... and he said no. I told him until he's responsible enough to buy condoms we will never have sex again. You would think a person who "never wanted children" or even "on the fence about having children" would be more than willing to buy condoms. Anyway... the more I think about it the gladder I am I dumped him when I did. Made up my mind I'm never getting back together with him-- there's better fish in the sea. I appreciate your inputs, though. Thanks.
  2. From the beginning of my last relationship (which lasted 4 years) I always told my (then) boyfriend that I wanted kids-- I even went through medical procedures and endured the resulting emergency tumor surgery in order to one day become fertile and have kids with that boyfriend... after 4 years he one night stated, "I never wanted kids!" which he never told me before... he had always said, "If I had a kid with you I would love it." That night I broke up with him because of the clear difference in our relationship objectives. Was I in the wrong or was I in the right? Just was wondering because he wanted to get back together, however now he's saying "I don't know if I want kids" rather than, "I never want kids." Wondering about the change in tune. Any input?
  3. I'm grateful that I feel smarter today than I was yesterday. I got dumped yesterday because I didn't trust him because of all of his personal ads he's got posted all over the internet... go figure that one out. lol And I just looked at the Valentine's Card he'd sent earlier in the month and I was grateful I see what he is now and that I can read the card and know they are just empty words.
  4. lol I know it's not Valentine's Day... but tomorrow is. Never good to break up on Valentine's Day... but it's not good to break up the day before either. lol It's supposed to be the day you share your loving appreciation for the people you care about most in the world... not dump them.
  5. Ughh... before I unlogged from here and messenger he IM'd me and we had it out. And yes, basically he tried to tell me it wasn't him who logged in on January 28th... broke up with me because "he didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who had to check up on him" and "didn't trust him as completely as he trusted" me. Ugh.. it got ugly... and now I'm so miserable. I hate valentine's Day. I hate it.
  6. Thanks for all the helpful advice guys. I've decided that I don't even want to talk to him so I think I'm going to take BellaDonna'a advice for now and then talk to him later if I must. I just know I'm hurting and if I talk to him on the phone right now he'll probably just fill my head up with charming empty words again. I think it's best I just avoid contact for a while until I recover a bit. But thanks so much everyone. I appreciate all your advice.
  7. He's always said he doesn't feel it's fair to date more than one person at a time... he's always said he's a monogamous man and would never cheat on anyone... and as far as I know from talking to his ex-gf's he's never cheated and they all broke up on good terms.
  8. Gosh no that wasn't the kind of ad I replied to... the ad I replied to 7 years ago sounded genuine and caring and sweet... which is also the text he used for this particular ad as well... but the title is completely different. This is a side of him I've NEVER EVER seen before and would never approve of. I'm sure he knows if he told me about this side of himself he'd be completely embarrassed and ashamed... everyone knows him as a noble, generous, loyal man- everyone in his home town knows him-- he's special forces military, and a highly decorated war veteran-- everyone loves and admires him and has such high regard for him. As did I. I guess I'm a little shellshocked... after 7 years of knowing him I discover I realize I really know so little about him.
  9. I've had a long distance relationship with a man 400 miles away for alittle over a year (we've been close friends for over 7 years) and last October he basically flaked out and told me he didn't do distance well, and then two weeks later changed his mind and told me he wanted to work on the relationship until I moved up there, however long it took for me to get there because he said he could see himself "spending the rest of his life with me." Back in October after he called things off, I found his active personal ad which was something I expected to find- I figured he'd start looking again. But then 2 weeks after he'd changed his mind, I confronted him about the ad and he agreed to take down all his personal ads (he had several posted) because I'd told him it made me feel insecure especially with the distance. Two days ago I looked at one of the personal ads again and noticed that he'd visited and updated it again January 28th, 2007. Feb. 1st he'd sent me Valentine's gifts and flowers and a wonderful Valentine's Card telling me how much I meant to him. The ad title reads: 36 year old Man Looking For Women for Erotic Chat or Email, Intimate Relations, Discreet Relationships, Group sex (3 or more!) or Other "Alternative" Activities I feel betrayed and I don't know how to confront him about this. When we talk on the phone we're the closest of friends-- but then I read his personal ad and I feel like I can't believe anything he says, that I don't really know him at all, and I feel lied to every time he tells me "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Am I totally over-reacting?? I haven't talked to him at all for 3 days now... he called today but I didn't pick up. I don't want to hurt him and make him feel like scum the day before Valentine's Day. How would any of you deal and confront him about this? Should I keep avoiding him until after Valentine's Day and then confront him about it? Any advice would be great. Thanks.
  10. And he can't move to be with me because his 6 year old daughter is in Ohio. He said if he didn't have a daughter he would have no problem moving to be with me. He does a lot of business in my city and has even been offered careers here with the department I work at. He's turned them down because his daughter lives in Ohio. Which I told him is completely absolutely understandable. So the only way for him to "spend the rest of his life with me" is if I move there and we date and everything works out and we actually do spend the rest of our lives togehter. I've been interviewing for jobs there over the last year everytime I'm there doing my grant work each month. So I'm actively looking. The difference in timetables and him seemingly pushing me away are our biggest problems. I don't know how to change his mind and think more optimistically so he can wait a little longer for me.
  11. He was actually the one that said the he didn't want me to move unless I had a job and an apartment in line when I got there. I told him I would leave today to be with him because it felt like he was giving me an ultimatum. I told him I don't start working on my contract until January 16th and can still get out of it- that now would be the perfect time for me to move there. And then he told me, "You will not move just to be with me... we should just be friends until you move back here and then I want to date you and see where it goes from there even if it fails in the end." So not only am I not stalling, he's the one telling me to stay where I am,--but in the same breath he's saying I'm the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life and it's as if he doesn't want to be "just friends" but our time tables are just off and that's why we should. To me at makes no sense unless the pain of missing me is that intolerable for him. I feel it's more he's pushing me away-- whether it be because he misses me too much or he's afraid of being hurt in another LDR. I honestly don't know what to do. If we give up now, we'll wind up with other people again and we'll both be thinking 10 years from now "I wonder what would've happened if...." It's just majorly frustrating.
  12. It could work if he wasn't so bent on the timeframe... he does seem to be hurting quite a bit with distance and it's been worrying me for about 5 weeks now. He tried one other LDR long before he knew me for a year which ended with him coming back from Kosovo/Bosnia to an empty apartment and his fiancee married to another man. It took 4 years for him to get over her- he's been very LDR-phobic ever since. I've made it clear to him that for the 6 years I've known him he's the only one I can see myself with-- that's why I never dated anyone else after my last relationship ended-- I was tired of going against what felt natural to me by dating other people that weren't him. He knows he's been my life's inspiration for 6 years... he's the reason I went back to school to get my master's degree and do what I do now in law enforcement. But I think he's gotten to the same emotional point with me that he was at with his fiancee before he left for Kosovo-- and I think it's bringing back a lot of bad memories. He probably doesn't want to go through that again so I think he's starting to push me away. I told him I'd go shopping for a better phone plan with more minutes after Christmas so we could talk more but I don't think that's going to be enough. I feel like I'm losing my first love for a second time... I feel like I'm on the cusp of feeling devastated again. I honestly don't know what else I can do though.
  13. I've been in a long distance relationship for 6 years with a military man I met when I was in college in Ohio. He was 30 and I was 21. We broke up after 7 months because he found out his ex-gf was 9 months pregnant. He now has a 6 year old daughter. I broke up with him so he could focus on his new family. He never married his ex, though. We went our separate ways even though we both didn't want to. I've always been in love with him... he was my first love. We've always been respectful of the other's relationships over the years apart and were strictly friends-- chat over coffee for a few hours to catch up on 3-5 months of no contact or after his wars abroad- that sort of thing. My last relationship ended in 2005 and last March we started to date whenever we were in each other's town. In May we decided to be gf/bf. It's had its typical LDR difficulties with an insufficient phone plan, and him wanting more face-to-face time. He's also out of town a lot for business so it's hard to schedule time to see each other for more than a few days every other month. Sometimes we make plans for me to visit him in the town where he has business if we haven't seen each other in a while. 3 days ago he asked when I planned to move back to Ohio. Before, our biggest fear was that I move there just to be with him and the relationship failed or he was shipped off to war again... so a long time ago we agreed I wouldn't move there unless I was moving there for a job and living on my own- dating each other more seriously would be just an added perk once I moved back. So I've never really thought about 'when' I'd move back... just been waiting for the right job opportunity. He then told me 4 months ago he told his mother that he could see himself being with me for the rest of his life... and that this was the first time he'd ever said that to his mother about any woman. He's about to retire from the military in about a year so he wanted to know when I was planning to move back. Unfortunately I've just signed another 8 month work contract here in NC. So I said "realistically, maybe within 2 years" and told him about the new contract. Then he said 6 mos to a year was his max because he already misses me too much and "it was killing him". Then I told him maybe then we should be 'just friends' again, - after a 2 hour discussion we reluctantly agreed to being 'just friends' again. But this afternoon I IM'd and told him I honestly didn't want to go back to being 'just friends' or date anyone else. I also told him if he couldn't wait for me I'd understand and would (as always) respect any new relationship he decided to go with. He replied that my note made him feel better and that he hasn't been too happy since our 'just friends' discussion.... but no real reply on whether we were actually going to continue being 'just friends' or resume being bf/gf. So I don't know what the status of our relationship is now other than I love him and he "wants to spend the rest of his life with me." What should I do? Do we need to break it off completely? Any input would be appreciated. Thanks....
  14. How can one not be a serial abuser if 'he always apologizes' and 'begs you to love him'? The word 'always' implies this has happened more than once and if it happens more than once- that does makes him a serial abuser. Your counselor should be aware of the term 'Cycle of Violence' because it's an actual term that the counselor should've learned in college and graduate school in order to become a counselor in the first place. What I think is most important is your safety-- and if you have children- your children's safety. If he continues to act aggressively and continues to try to manipulate you, you must tell your counselor so they can effectively help you get to a safe place where he cannot hurt you. Your counselor should have access to community resources as well as law enforcement resources. But you must make the committment. You deserve being happy and safe, and you always have options... don't let him make you think you don't. As others have said, the fact is, he chooses how to act. Don't make excuses for him- he is an adult and should be held accountable for behaving that way towards you. My advice is continue to talk with your counselor- and if possible talk with the counselor privately as well so you can truly talk without feeling like you have to mediate what you say or hold back crucial details about your relationship with him and how you honestly feel... being honest with yourself and your counselor about how you feel is the first step in making your life better. Hope this helps!
  15. Just graduated grad school (received my Master's in Criminal Justice) and have to say, if you know what you want to do and can see yourself succeeding at a graduate level-- then by all means try to negotiate something with the department. I was diagnosed with cancer my second year and had two bad semesters while I was going through treatment-- was even facing suspension because I had to go an extra year to complete my course work-- but I knew criminal justice was what I was meant to do so I negotiated and did all in my power to complete my degree. As for the thesis vs internship.... for my master's I basically had to do both even though technically I was on the thesis track. I spent the last 2 years of school doing my thesis and my research for my thesis via an internship with the police department.. and I don't regret all that time spent on my project either. The internship opened up job openings to me (I now work in Victim Assistance because I'd gotten 2 years worth of internship experience in the department I now work in) ... and the thesis made me fully aware of all the up-to-date scholarly literature and research out there on what I was studying (victims of domestic violence). Working in the field and preparing for an actual job in the field after graduating is important- especially if it's a highly competitive field. But if I had to pick one or the other-- I would do the internship. There's nothing like real-world experience to get your foot in the door for a real life career after graduation. Just my two cents...
×
×
  • Create New...