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musashi

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  • Birthday 07/26/1968

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  1. musashi
  2. musashi
    Day 45 Yesterday sucked balls. I had a monster hangover and, what usually happens after a night of partying, I got all emotional and sad. Today, however, I feel great. Hanging out with my son and have not thought about the ex at all really. The emotional rollercoaster is quite annoying but it does seem to be settling down a bit. I am having more good days now than before. Soon it will be all good days.
  3. musashi
    I am drunk. Day something or other. Sleep beckons...
  4. musashi
    Day 34 Man, I feel like crap right now. The day started off fine. I was actually in a good mood this morning for the first time in weeks. I did not think about my ex hardly at all. Then, while channel surfing, I came accross a rare movie that her and I talked about alot. I had highly recommended her to watch it but we could never find it. I was going to give it to her for her birthday (coming up in a few weeks). I watched the movie thinking about her watching it. I even thought about sending it to her anonymously for her b-day. I was fine until about 4 hours ago. I was going to go to a party but decided to stay home and spend some alone time with my son. Then it just hit me. She is probably out with her new guy and I am sitting at home. I started getting angry. After being angry for about 2 hours it turned into self-pity. She dumped me for an Army Special Forces guy. Someone who is perfect for her and the exact opposite of me. It really started getting to me. She is probably in awe of him. She is probably worshipping the ground he walks on. She is on cloud 9. She thinks god has sent him into her life. Blah, Blah, Blah. Doing the imagining crap in my head is killing me but I cannot seem to stop. Plus, as I alluded to yesterday, what am I going to do with my life? He is career military, I have no career. I know it is not a good idea to compare myself to him, it is my life, but I cannot seem to stop thinking about how sucky my life is, especially compared to his. I have got to get my act together.
  5. musashi
    Day 33 (I just counted) I have been zombified the past week. Even posting here on ENA has become too toublesome. My mantra is "It is over. She is never coming back. Move on with your life." I think these things a million times a day but it is so hard to sink in. I still think about her constantly. She is with somebody else now, her "dream guy". Looking back, I can see that I was only a place holder for him and she was planning this all along. She will be with him for a LONG time. There is no hope for reconciliation. She is done with me. This is just something that I have to get over. There is and will never be anymore "us". It is only me and that is what I have to worry about. Knowing this and saying this does not make it easier. She dropped me like a hot potatoe as soon as this guy came along. I meant that little. All the hopes and dreams dashed like so many eggs against the rocks. She is happy now, I am miserable. This has got to change. I feel pathetic, insecure, un-confident, lonely, and unworthy. Though I want to say "she was not good enough for me" or "I will find better", I cannot. This is going to be a long and painful journey. Sometimes I function well but those periods are few and far between. Mostly I live in a state of, what some would call, self-pity. How did I get to this point in my life? Where do I want to go from here? I think if I could answer that last question, I would be well on my way to recovery. I still do not know what I want to be when I grow up.
  6. musashi
  7. musashi
    I am with you 100% on this one, my friend. Even if, miracles beyond miracle, that she breaks up with him and comes back, the thoughts of the relationship they built during their time together will plague the mind. The little inside jokes they had. How often will she think of him? She will be a different person because of their relationship and what kind of person will she be? These are things I think about that help solidify the fact that it is over. Even if she came back, those hurdles would be enormous to overcome. BTW, one month today NC for me. yaaah.
  8. musashi
    Day blah blah blah. Somewhere near four weeks. Yesterday was crappy and today has not been much better. I am not thinking of her specifically but more about my life and all the things I have to do. It becomes so overwhelming. I cannot find joy in anything and the future looks bleak. I have made a commitment to myself that I am not going to start another relationship until I have myself together. I have had a girlfriend my whole life. The hardest part is not having anyone to share things with. I think that is what is robbing my joy. Usually, I would feel happy in conquering some task and then share it with my SO. Without having a SO I am finding it difficult to conquer tasks. This is something that I have got to get over. I think I am going to start a new thread on this and get some advice.
  9. musashi
    Day something or other. I cannot remember and do not feel like doing the math. Over three weeks but not yet four, I think. Been a crappy day but not because of the ex so much. Financial stuff and family crap. I have not really been too depressed about the ex today. A few twangs of pain here and there but nothing devastating. I am starting to have a hard time remembering much about her. I guess that is a good sign. We will see what tomorrow brings.
  10. musashi
    Day 16 Today has not been so bad. I got some stuff done, relaxed a bit, and have been on ENA alot. I started a thread about sending my ex an email and have gotten great advice on it. I think knowing that I am going to send her a good and positive email in the future has helped me heal a bit. I did look at her myspace page last night. Technically, it was not me but my mother who pulled it up. I only looked at it after my mother told me that nothing on her myspace page had changed. She has not even logged in in over a month. I guess she is really spending alot of time with her new dude.
  11. musashi
    beautiful. I feel the words.
  12. musashi
    Day 15 This is friggin horrible! I cannot get her out of my mind. The urge to check her myspace, email, or text her is very strong but I am going to stay true to NC. I just got finished watching "The Big Bang Theory" which is a show that me and her used to watch together. I so wanted to send her a quick text mentioning something about the show but...I knew that would be disasterous. She was probably with her new guy anyhow and I am not trying to cause problems. Tomorrow has to be better.
  13. musashi
    Day 14 Two weeks ago today she told me she found someone else. Her dream guy. Friday was hard because EA was down. I have had the strong urge to check her myspace page the past couple of days but I come here and post instead. Friday I slipped a bit and checked one of her friends myspace page and looked at her picture. I was saying "oh * * * * oh * * * * " the whole time I was doing it thinking I was going to see a picture of him and her together. Fortunately, she has not changed her picture yet so I was spared. NOT going to do that again.
  14. musashi
    Woke up in a relatively good mood. Did some reading for about an hour and she slowly started creeping into my mind. Took a shower and thought about her the whole time. I used to have conversations with her in my head when we were apart and think of all the things to talk about when we were together. If I saw something interesting or funny I would say to myself "Oh, I can't wait to tell S. that". One of the hardest parts of breaking up with her was stopping those kinds of thoughts in my head. This morning those thoughts have come back a bit. I was actually thinking of writing a letter/email to her but...I don't know. When we broke up I did not plead or beg or anything. I went with it and even agreed in part. Ever since we have broken up I have not expressed to her my feelings or willingness to get back together. She is not a "make the first move" kind of person either. Then again, I think that she does not deserve to know what I am thinking and feeling. I reserve that special gift for people who want to be involved in my life. Plus, she broke up with me and took the initiative there. She can take the initiative to put us back together. And if she does not, then nothing I can do will make her want us back together. Or is there something I could do? Man, I can tell today is going to be one mixed up day. Time to go to the gym (and yes I know I showered already but I like to shower
  15. musashi
    Trust me, you mean something to him. He still thinks about you and at times probably misses you. However, not to the degree that you think about him. Whereas your feelings are probably more of longing his are more along the lines of guilt. This seems to be the general rule of the dumpee/dumper relationship after a break up. I like what you did with his phone number and ringtone. I have a program on my phone that allows me to block calls, send them to voicemail, or just hang up on them. I have her set to go straight to voicemail. That way I will not accidentally pick up the phone when she calls or when I am in a particularly vulnerable mood. When she calls I call her back when I am ready and prepared. She did trick me one time by calling me from a friends cell phone. Luckily for me I was in a great mood at the time and quite cheerful. Btw, they always seem to call when you least expect it. It is like a 6th sense or something. Dumper E.S.P.
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