insecurefool

It's easy to stay motivated with all I do when I think about how you doubted me. I'm still that go getter you met 5 years ago.

I'm training for a half marathon now. I don't even want to post this on my blog because I know you are still reading the posts. It's nice that I don't go on Facebook because I avoid the urge to post my status on there as well. I wonder if you think about what I'm doing right now, because unlike the other times we broke up I'm really keeping you in the dark this time. Well, as I said, I've amped up my training, studying for the GMAT, and getting ridding of all the excess "stuff" I own (it's as much baggage as my emotional baggage.) Right now, I'm going to finish the laundry, then I have a work appointment at 5, then I'm going on a 3 mile run. Cool huh? Not really, but just as you knew me, I'm still pretty go go go even on the weekends. Maybe the fact that I was so busy (even on the weekends) contributed to our demise, and I'm a bit sorry for that. But now, I can do all these petty things and not feel guilty for doing them. Anyways, this is the kind of useless info I'd give you on the phone or in person, so better off here.

weekends are always the hardest without you. sure, towards the end, our weekends weren't spectacular (they weren't really in the beginning either, let's be honest.) But, just having you around was comforting and warm. I get so lonely in this small ass town, when everyone is home for the summer. But, planning my days out by the hour has helped. I'm going to keep growing and improving, and focusing on myself. I have plenty to offer

you keep contacting me with pointless text messages to see if I'll respond, and you talk to me at work about things that aren't work related. You are trying to either break me, or use me for what you no longer have from me. You realize that I was your rock, and you can't go this part of life all alone. Well, it goes both ways, you can't just use me for emotional support like you did the last few months of our relationship, and give nothing in return. I'm not going to let you leech off me, and let you think that I'm the one who is an emotional drain. I will vow to keep a distance, I will not offer my empathy over the difficulties you are having, I will focus on ME. You can find someone else to bombard with negativity and illogical behaviors. See how long that lasts... any reasonable man will get the #!$! out the moment you start showing the other side of yourself.

I miss you so much.

day 8. broke NC. we work together and she has been visibly upset at work all week (crying at times.) I was concerned but wanted to make it none of my business. we went out to eat today and she told me: she visited "friends" this past weekend and proceeded to get extremely drunk, and they basically let a guy take her home, and they slept together. the part that bothers me is she was so drunk she blacked out (he basically raped her). the other part that upsets me is she is on a self-destructive downward spiral of drinking that i have been engaged in myself on and off for months. i feel used, because I broke NC and gave her a ton of support, helped her at least keep her sanity. but im really upset, because I need support too and I know in just a matter of weeks ill be the one sleeping with someone for no freaking reason other than to feed my ego. god this sucks

Day 1. Had a final "date" last night and let it all out (and ended up embarassing myself by being really emotional, but I have no regrets. At least she knows how I feel.) I told her not to contact me for the next 6 months unless she wants to work on being together. I'm doing okay so far, I just wish I had some friends in this town

Work with my ex (her boss technically) but will refrain from contacting her, looking her up. I have blocked her on MSN and AIM, so she'll never see me online. She is going on vacation starting Wed, but I'll have to take her to the airport. I consider this purely business, plus the time she is gone will be great for me. I will not contact her for anything not work related (although I know she will try to contact me, even invite me over because we live so close.) I will try to dodge it. Wish me luck