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lilypadgirl

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  1. Good for you dreadyblack! You sound like you're doing a great job and forgiveness is so important. That's the stage I'm on too, or at least trying to be on - I have my stronger and weaker moments. I'm sure you'll come out on top and find true love.
  2. I know it's not that simple, but why does it feel like it's always so easy for you to leave me? I keep thinking of all the mistakes I did. I only ever wanted to be honest about my feelings with you and myself. I only ever wanted to forgive and understand each other. I only ever wanted to heal from all that and rebuild our trust. Yet, you seemed so resistant to talking about our issues, you blame me for being too emotional, you think I don't want things to be happy and peaceful. But think of all the events that have happened and all the pain I've had to deal with. I couldn't just pretend everything was okay and be happy and carefree. I only wanted us to talk, understand, apologize, and rebuild trust so we can resolve our issues and move forward to a stronger relationship. What hurts out of all of this is that you didn't even want to try and give us a real chance at finding happiness together. I'm actually really easy to calm down and reassure, but you wouldn't even try. I just needed some reassurance from you, some form of commitment. You kept saying you wished you were there for me. I kept searching for some evidence that you would back your words up with action. I gave you so many chances to show me you will be there for me. I did think maybe you could be the one. But it's not that I don't have fears or doubts about us. I just wanted us to resolve our issues so we can at least see if we can get back to a place of peace and happiness. But I couldn't do that alone. It seems like you wanted me to fight for you and help you through your fears and doubt. I wanted to help you overcome them, but not alone. That would have been an impossible task to do alone. I told you that I won't fight alone for you, but I would fight for the relationship together with you. I asked you to just tell me what you wanted, I just needed to see that you would be willing to try to save the relationship with me, to try to face your fears with me supporting you, or to even just to talk and figure out what we want together. I dare you to find one girl who will not be emotional or get insecure or asked to be reassured during all of what we experienced. No, maybe they won't be emotional - they would just leave. Perhaps that was my biggest mistake of all. You may realize all of this one day if you reflect back on us. You will be a better bf and be better at dealing with emotions, be more committed, and reassure the girl. But what is saddest out of all this is that you will do it for some other girl when you didn't for me. And she will be reassured and you won't fall into the vicious push-pull cycle of emotion-withdrawal. And you will think she's not as emotional, not realizing we could have been the same way if you only shown me some form of reassurance and commitment. But, saddest of all, you will always keep believing that we failed because I was the one that was too emotional. I'm not going to excuse my mistakes in the relationship, I know I made many and I have hurt you too. I have a lot of self-reflection to do. But I'm coming to realize that I'm not as emotional as you believed or even I believed myself to be. I know we had other issues too and it's not as one-dimensional as this. But I truly believed that, if you were honest with me about that one issue, our differences were not as great as you believed. Perhaps in the end, our beliefs about us is our biggest difference and incompatibility. You just didn't love me strongly enough. Yet, I can't hate you because I choose not to hate you. Just as I chose to love you. Once I heal, I will release all of the negative emotions I have for you and maybe one day I can get back to thinking about us as we were in the beginning. I wish you happiness and peace. I will also find happiness and peace. I mourn that it is not together with each other. But that's just life. "Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead." Today, I will take my love for you and fold it in half. Every day I will fold it in half. At some point, when I can't fold it anymore, I will tuck it away in a little corner of my heart. By then I will have healed.
  3. Thank you again origami. It's good to know that my feelings resonate with you. I agree with what you wrote. Though I'm not completely there yet since I still do struggle with some of the negative emotions and still fresh in the healing process. But I believe in true love. Having that belief I know that when I heal, I will ultimately choose to love again. After my previous heartbreak from a few years ago, I honestly didn't know if I could love again but here I am loving even more sincerely than before. Knowing that reassures me and brings me some sense of peace and eventually, like you, joy. At the end, each relationship is a bond between two people. We hope it never ends and devastated when it does, but there's also so much we can learn about ourselves and our dynamics from it. Knowing that I didn't let my fears prevent me from loving and that I tried all I could, however imperfect it was - I made many mistakes and there are many lessons to take away, that's something to be proud of.
  4. I wrote you an email and wanted to send it to you. But then I reconsidered. Why bring more confusion and pain - just let things go. I am so tired and I desire peace too. So I'm posting it here instead and release all my feelings and love out to the world: --- I had trouble sleeping last night. I thought about us and in my usual fashion felt like I owed you one last email. I both hope you slept well and wished you didn't thinking of me. That seems to be true of a lot of feelings I have for you right now, oscillating between pain and relief. I am relieved that I finally got a decision and answer out of you. But your decision and answer brings me pain. I struggle to understand how it is that you say love me yet you don't even want to even try for me. But I believe deep down I know the answer. I think I knew for a long time. I just didn't want to believe. I knew you were going to make this decision. You sounded so sweet over the phone. Why is it that guys are always so sweet when they're about to break your heart. I understand though. It's hard to be nice to me when you're feeling tormented. It's easier to be nice when you know it's going to end. I went through the same thing. I suspect right now, you feel a mix of guilt and relief. The sad thing is, I desire to travel the world too and live a fulfilling life. I wanted us to be peaceful and happy too. I thought you didn't understand that. But honestly, I believe you do. That's why I think you kept reaching out but also sabotaging us. You knew what we could be if we only worked through it. You knew what I needed and what you had to do. You just didn't want to work through it. You just didn't want to do what you knew would give me reassurance. Because you didn't truly want us. What I can't figure out is whether you didn't want us because it would have been too much commitment, too much work, and too much intimacy than what you are ready for or that you're simply not into me. I guess I'll never know. It doesn't matter. It all leads to the same place. Feelings of being abandoned, disillusionment, and eventually and ultimately relief and peace. It's ironic because you say you fear that my emotions will make me leave you one day, yet it's always you that's doing the leaving. In the end you've projected all your fears onto me. Who can fight against that? I've done all that I can and know how to do without knowing what you wanted. That's all I can ever do. I am at peace with that. But I respect your decision. I know it brought you a lot of pain too. I know in your own way you did try and in your own way you did love. Just sadly not enough. I don't know if what you wrote in your email is true or just a gentle way of letting me down. Either way, I know it's the real end. If you're not willing to put in the effort into making us work now, how will you put in the effort to understanding us when we have even more distance and whatever love and intimacy you have for me disappears? I am glad for the experience though. I have learned so much about myself. My capacity to forgive and to love. I had been so willing to forgive you for everything you did if only you showed me some remorse and affection and gave me reassurances and commitment. It's ironic because I always thought of myself as being too emotional. But this experience has actually taught me that I'm actually quite emotionally balanced. I am comfortable expressing my emotions, but I'm not unreasonable or irrational. I have the capacity to communicate, the strength to deal with conflicts, and the conviction of knowing what I want, if not 100% what I want, then at least what I want to try for. I feel that I have grown as a person and I have our experience to thank for that. Overall, I feel proud of myself and I know I'm ready and capable of deep and lasting love. I wish I could have convinced you of all that, but I realized that despite what you say, you didn't really want to be convinced. You just wanted to be left in peace. The more I tried, the more it pushed you away. You only want the peaceful and supporting aspects of a relationship, but you either don't know how or don't want to deal with conflicts. Either way, it's time to let go and move on. I really do hope you find happiness. I'm sad that you'll be a better bf to someone else than you were to me. I'm sad you didn't give us a chance and couldn't accept me for who I am, but I am relieved to finally know and accept that. C'est la vie. I do love you and a part of me will always care about you and wish you happiness.
  5. Goodbye. I knew this would be your response. At the end, you don't love me enough. You don't understand me enough. You think we are so different, but you never realized how similar we are. You think I don't value the things you value. You think I don't want to travel the world or want to do good in the world. That is just not true, but if that is what you believe, no one will be able to convince you otherwise. You don't see our similarities and you overemphasize our differences. That is not love. That is fear. In the end you just don't love me enough and you just don't want us enough to even try. Of course you find you can't change because you've taken no action to change. One cannot just will himself to believe or love without taking action. Love is built on action and commitment. No one is 100% sure and everyone has fear, but the important thing is they let their love overcome those fears by choosing commitment and dedication and the effort to building similarities. Two people that are different can grow together because of love. Just as two people that are same, can grow apart out of lack of nourishment to the relationship. You might grow to be a better man, but sadly you will never be or want to be that man for me. I will find someone who loves me, desires me, and cherishes me. I will find someone who will travel the world with me and build a loving home with me. I am sure of that. I'm just so sad that person is not you. I wanted him to be you and I wanted me to be her to you. But that can never be now. So I resign and I accept completely. I wanted us to build a future of happiness together. But I can do that just as well on my own. Goodbye.
  6. Sigh I've been feeling better on the whole but I guess today is a tough day for me. Do you still have tough days or are you moved on already? Do you still think and reflect upon us? Sigh. Sometimes it's still hard to believe that after 4 years so much of what I thought was "us" is my own illusion and that you never felt as deeply or as intimately for me as I thought you did. Otherwise how was it so easy for you to keep abandoning me and assuming the worst of me instead of fighting for us and recognizing my strengths. I wish you loved me enough to accept me and commit to me instead of avoid me and reject me. I wish you loved me enough to be forthright and honest with me instead of deceiving and hiding things from me. I wish you loved me enough to put your fears aside and feel safe with me. I wish I was able to make you feel safe. Sigh. Reality is always a hard pill to swallow.
  7. I dreamt about you again last night. It was so painful. When will these dreams stop?
  8. Sigh, I still miss you but all the work deadlines are keeping me busy. It's a good thing I suppose. Now that you are in the comfort of your own home, among friends, and no longer lonely, I wonder how long it will be before you forget me and move on.
  9. Sigh. Sigh sigh sigh. I don't even know what to say to you, but I miss talking to you. So sigh. La la la. Seems like you're having lots of fun traveling. I wonder if you know how much I like waterlilies. I wonder what the difference is between waterlilies and lotuses. I wonder how long it'll be before you will have completely moved on.
  10. I dreamt about you again last night. I’m scared that I’ll dream about you tonight. These dreams are the hardest part since no matter how calm I am during the day, they pull me back. Why is it that the you in my dreams is always so clear and the you in reality is so confusing? You send me sweet, caring emails then you disappear. You tell me how hurt you are or how much you regret, but say nothing about what you want or how to fix things. I have no idea what you want or it all means. Sigh, I guess I’m confused too. Sometimes I feel like I want to talk to you, but then I don't know what’s left to say. Sometimes I feel like we were so close, but other times I wonder if it was all just an illusion. Sometimes I remember you as the wonderful guy who desired me so much in the beginning, and then sometimes I see you as the withdrawing guy who abandoned me in the end. Sometimes I am filled with forgiveness when I see your pain and regret and then sometimes I am filled with resentment when I recognize how you avoided me and refused to talk or try to fix things. Still the one constant is that I miss you. I hope at the very least that’s your constant for me too.
  11. Sigh, whenever I have a day or two of feeling slightly better, calmer, I would go and have a dream of you. Did you cast a spell on me? I wonder if you ever dream about me.
  12. Sigh, things have been so hectic last couple of days with the storm and with work. Time feels both fast and slow. In between bursts of activity and chaos, I think of you in the brief moments of stillness. I wonder how you are doing. Your new painting looks... I wonder if it's a pure coincidence or it's related at all to me. Maybe that's just my wishful thinking and it has nothing to do with me. I miss you. But I am also starting to heal. I really did think you were the one. I hope you are well.
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