Princess777

terk, I know what you mean about the constant reminders. My husband has been gone for a couple weeks I guess and only took some of his clothes. I just keep seeing his stuff everywhere and it's amazing how much material things affect me and I'm not a materialistic person. If I know he touched it or used it a lot, it hits me like a ton of bricks when I see it. Or if he gets mail, like you said. I, too am struggling with the NC because I know I do not have any other choice but to move on. (He is addicted to crack and I told him I can't live with that in my life) So I know, whatever it takes, I can't go back with him. And I have cried my eyes out every day since he left. Getting up in the morning is monumental in itself. Believe me I understand how it seems there is no way to move forward and you're just stuck in this deep hole of hell. You constantly ask yourself, "why are they doing this to me" and it seems no one understands your pain and just keeps saying, "move on". It's not that easy. When you love someone you can't stop loving them at the drop of a hat. Some things that have helped me might help you so I thought I'd pass them on: Buy a journal and write in it when you feel stressed or sad, or when you want to call or text her. I like to write in mine before I go to bed, and rate my day. That way I can always look back to see how I've progressed. I made a list of reasons NOT to contact him in the journal and take it out when I feel desperate. We all know that when we're in that hopeless state of need that we can't think clearly, so it might seem silly but it helps get your mind back into reality. It's also better than telling yourself at the end of the day, Damn, I wish I hadn't called them. I also wrote in it all the bad things he did to me that I tend to forget about when I'm needy. I don't know what all transpired between the two of you, but write down everything bad about her, including how bad she hurt you, and be descriptive. Do positive affirmations. Say the serenity prayer each morning or a similar positive phrase to yourself over and over. Whatever you want to achieve. It helps start the day out better. And if you're like me, you don't even want to get up and start the day at all. Give yourself a break when you feel overwhelmed. It's okay to cry or go in the bathroom and just splash some water on your face during your normal routine. You've been through so much and were left with everything to deal with. Take some deep breaths. Do you work out? I'm told it's a great way to help get over someone - get in shape to get your self confidence up. I need to do this. I don't know if you've thought of this, but it sounds like she may have realized that you were a rebound relationship and she is not ready for it. I know that doesn't help any with your pain, but it might help with some kind of closure for you, if that is indeed the case. If that is true, it's unfortunate that you had to bear the pain and the brunt of that decision, however, if so, keep in mind it's better to know now than if she would have figured this out AFTER you were married. That's probably not much consolation but I wanted you to know I understand some of your pain. Even though our situations are different, I wanted to try to help some. I wish you luck. Take care.

Just some things to think about: You didn't say whether or not either of you has actually cheated but I get the impression that you have not. Do you know if he has? (before he left). Talking to 2 guys online is not a good idea when you're married unless they are blood relatives. Would you like it if he talked to 2 different women online, even if they supposedly had boyfriends? (How do you know these 2 have girlfriends, do you know them personally and have met them, and if so, is being friends with them more important than the marriage?) I can definitely see why he has trust issues with you if you are doing this. Please don't feel attacked, I'm just trying to help. I know what you mean about not knowing how to proceed. I am there now. I don't know how mine is going to react so I am just waiting until I can make up my mind how I want to proceed with it. He avoids the issue too. It's like he thinks it's just going to go away or something. And he has no concern for the bills. Just don't ask him. If you want a divorce, go get one. If he won't go to counseling with you and you're not willing to give up the 2 online male friends, then it probably won't get any better. You two definitely need a mediator. I wish you luck. You're in a tough spot, especially since he's been gone so long. I can't imagine waiting that long already to know if you can move on or not. Take care.

I don't think I can take anymore pain. Thank you for your post L.J. I have been crying all day and he won't even acknowledge my existence. I don't even care at this point if he thinks I'm pathetic or not. I miss him and love him so much, I'm just having a meltdown. All I want to do is sleep, but then when I sleep I have been having dreams about him so I can't even get any peace when I'm sleeping!!!! I have never felt so much pain in my life. He is trying to make it easier on both of us by not speaking to me, well, he is stronger than me. I can't do it. I simply can't. All I can do is think about his arms around me and all the bad things he's done to me just don't matter right now. I know I cannot be with him but I don't want to live without him. I married him because he truly is my one true love and now I cannot have him. The drugs have taken him from me by his choice. I just want to die. Honestly.

I agree with Hope75, this is an interesting topic. I know what you are talking about. I think it has to do with the fact that we can choose our friends much more easily than we can choose who we fall in love with. Love takes forgiveness, a lot of hard work, give and take, etc., however, I can't forgive anyone who cheats on me. But some people can. So if you look at it in the way that: it's easier to delete a friend from your life than it is to delete the one you love. You'd be more willing to work on the relationship with the one that you love because love is blind in this case. Again, I'm not saying I can forgive anyone who cheats on ME, but some people can, in which case, I think this could be an answer you're looking for. You can live without a friend and can always find more friends, but when you consider losing the one you love, it is too daunting to start a new relatinoship and the blind love comes into play. It sucks the way we were created, huh?

I feel for you... I too am going through the "alone" time in the house. It sucks. It's like you think to yourself, Is this really better than having the drama with them here, or not? You fool yourself... it's so confusing. I'm with you.... I'm alone on a Friday night and he's out partying I'm sure, and probably thinking he can have me back whenever he wants. The thing about pushing your buttons - if you can tell when she begins to push them, you can stop it. Hold up your hand and say "stop" and "I'm done with this conversation" and leave the room or hang up if you're on the phone. Tell her you need a time out or that you have something to do. Don't ALLOW her to push your buttons. Know that she's trying and don't let yourself escalate physically or mentally, because then she wins. My husband knows my biggest buttons and has used them against me constantly. I've been trying to leave him for 3 years but I haven't been strong enough. Today I took some big steps. Now when he uses them against me, it barely phases me because I know he's doing it on purpose and being vindictive. I'm probably not much help since I need help myself tonight. Good luck, and I hope you figure out what you need to do and what's best for yourself. Just wanted you to know that you're not the only one who feels so alone right now.

Another update and question.....After the decision was made for us to split up and he said and did all the really mean things, I closed the joint bank account today and also removed him from my life insurance policy beneficiary, and got the paperwork to change the beneficiary on my 401K. It felt right when doing it all, (I kept thinking about all the abuse he has put me through and lastly, seeing his profiles on the sex websites looking for local sex and that helped) but then when I came home to an empty house (he's been gone for a couple days at a friend's house until he finds a place and we file the papers) it was so lonely. I had my son over tonight to watch a movie with me but he has a girlfriend and his own life, so I hate to lean on him in this time of need. I don't want to become a burden to anyone. It's just so lonely I think I'm going to go insane. I hate being alone in this house on a Friday night, and then tomorrow will be the same. Especially thinking about him being out partying it up without me and having fun while I try to figure out what I have to sell to pay the bills he has helped rack up. Everything just seems so daunting right now. I don't want him back the way he has been, and I know he'll never change and I deserve better, so why aren't I happy that I finally have some peace and I should be looking at the positives of what I did today to get the ball rolling, right? Why don't I feel better then? Why is he so protected in my mind? It's like I won't give myself permission to hate him and any normal person would after what he's done to me. The reality hurts. I don't know how I should act toward him during this awkward time of him not having a place but not staying here and just getting clothes and stuff periodically - ignore him, don't call him, don't answer his calls? Only talk about dividing property (there are no kids from this marriage)? He seems so robotic when we talk now, like he's in a daze and he's sad. Do you know how hard it is not to break down and beg for him to get help? Even though I know it wouldn't last. Why do I put myself through this? Even though he's sad, he doesn't offer to do anything to try to save the marriage either - such as rehab for the drugs and alcohol, counseling, etc. He has just given up because he knows he has messed up so bad he can't fix it. I know for a fact part of his game is to ignore me because he thinks doing that will make me want him more. I have heard him telling other men that. How do I "fight back" and be strong and not give in to the horrible pain and loneliness? I don't want to mess up again and take him back!!!!!

Beec, thank you... Wouldn't it be great if we could just erase our memories of them (like in the movie "Eternal Sunshine"....) I would do that in a heartbeat. I feel like he's the one who will always be in the back of my mind after we're divorced, like in a movie or a country song where the person grows old and will never let anyone else into their heart because their one "true love" escaped them somehow and they go to their grave unhappy because they couldn't be together. Do you know how depressing that is? I know I am in love with the idea of what we could have, not what we have. I am ashamed of what I have with him. I feel truly like an idiot... and even worse for not being so angry that I WANT a divorce. Cause I just can't bring myself to actually want it. I just know I have to do it.

Men don't think like women. He truly doesn't think you're serious because that's just the way they are wired... and then when something happens they appear confused because they didn't see the signs. It's not men's fault they think like this. It's the way they are made and they are very, very different from us. I think you should educate yourself in all the areas of relationships before you make the decision to leave. Is he abusive in any way? Do you still love him? What would it take to stay in the marriage? What changes would you like to see? How does he make you feel when there are good times? Bad times? Do you still have chemistry with him? I'm not saying you should or shouldn't leave. I'm saying just please get educated on all of your options before you make a hasty decision you might regret. If he has his own company, he probably has a lot of stress issues you are not aware of. This could change some of the way you see things if you can get him to communicate with you. Start out by stating how you see the issues (one at a time), how it makes you feel (and be specific) and then what you need from him and a possible solution. If you can't come to some middle ground, get a mediator. You really can solve a lot of problems with an objective third party. Good luck.... please exhaust all possibilities before giving up.

gitch, I feel for you and know your pain. My husband does the same stuff. I am trying so hard to make myself leave him, but I have been with him for 4 years and admit I am caught in the codependent enabler stage. I thought I was stronger than I really am. I have been getting professional help for over 2 years. It may take me awhile but I will leave him. I know I don't deserve to live with the anxiety of always checking up on him, like you describe. GOD I so know what you mean. He gets mad when I catch him too. And I know stuff he doesn't even think I know. He was filling out profiles on sex sites trying to find local sex. That was really nice to find too. I have become physically ill going through all the BS he's put me through. I'd like to tell you he might change, and to be fair, you probably should give him a chance to change so you know you've done all you can. But in my experience I've never met anyone who has truly conquered addictions such as gambling and drugs or alcohol for an extended period of time and never fell off the wagon. Everyone pretty much plays the same song all their life, they might just play it a little louder or a little softer throughout their life. Also, remember that if a person has one addiction, they have 3. With my husband, it's gambling, sex, drugs, and alcohol. So I'm in a no-win situation. Addicts have these issues because they are trying to numb the pain from their childhood or from a traumatic event or combination of events. Any rehab program will not work unless the source is dealt with - the pain from those events. This is why so many people fail when they try to quit because they focus on the behavior, not what is causing the behavior. I sure hope you get the help you need. Be strong and wise. I hope you're smarter than me for staying as long as I have.

Update: Well, add some new fun to the collection: I found out that he has been going to sex sites and filling out profiles on them to try to hook up with local sex partners. He has truly hurt me in every way imaginable. There is no evidence that he has cheated on me but I wouldn't be surprised, of course. Things have truly reached the out of control mark. I am so ashamed!!!! I am still working full time but I may have to take out a loan to get caught up on these bills because he has used all his money on drinking and drugs. Last night when I told him again that this isn't working for me, he showed me a side of him I didn't want to see. He was extremely mean and abusive. Part of me isn't surprised at any of this but the other part is so devastated and I feel stupid. Tonight he took a bag of clothes and is staying with a friend, probably partying again. He claims (again) that he will move out this weekend. He always tells me that then never does. I am so sick of being used. Outside of having him arrested I don't know how to make sure he goes, and if he does go, I feel that I will die. I know all about the co-dependence but why is it so much easier to know about it than to actually do what I need to do? I feel so helpless. I feel like that first big step of going and filing is going to kill me inside. I guess I just don't have anywhere else to turn for an ear right now. Thanks anyone for listening.

JazzGtr, I don't think anything I will do will cause him to stop doing the drugs. And sadly, I can't even bring myself to even want him in the same way I wanted him before. He has truly killed the attraction. It is so sad. Thank you for your input.

OMG he and my husband could be the same guy. My husband said the same exact thing to me. He smokes pot in addition to crack, and he said that same sentence to me about the pot. I told him, "I do accept you as a person but I don't have to accept your behavior. Your behavior does not define who you are - your behavior is something you DO, not YOU." He knows I am right, but maintains that he will continue to do it. They smoke pot to numb their pain. My husband has a LOT of pain from his past. Yours probably does too, but this is NOT a reason to feel sorry for them! I have struggled with this for four years. I am trying to get a divorce now before he runs my bank account dry. And I know you probably won't believe it (I didn't at first) but he's probably doing harder drugs and hiding it from you. Mine hid crack from me for awhile before I found out. Especially if he knows you don't condone it. I'll give you the advice I wish I'd taken sooner. Get out. Get out now before he ruins your self esteem even more. I know EXACTLY what you mean about making every sacrifice in the world for him and knowing that it's never enough. People like this are users and you can NEVER love them enough or do enough for them. They will suck you dry in every way. I know too well how hard it is to turn away from their charm and the honeymoon stages after making up. Remember this: they HAVE to be super-sweet and super-nice and super-romantic to win you back BECAUSE they are so MEAN to you and it's the only way they can suck you back in. And they'll do it every time as long as you let them. Here I am telling you this and I'm trying to get out of my screwed up co-dependent marriage. You have become co-dependent too. Stop the craziness before it gets worse, honey. I wish you so much luck in this process. Believe me, I know how hard it is not to call. I have cried rivers of tears when he's gone. I can't imagine how hard it will be when he's actually moved out again and the divorce goes through. Good luck to us both. Hang in there.

Thank you for all of your additional replies. I am sorry it took me so long to write back. Things have been very emotional. He threatened to kill himself the day after he had a binge, and was saying a bunch of weird stuff about doing strange things. It was kind of scary. He spent literally $1300 in two days on crack (he says trying to kill himself). When that didn't work, he told me he would keep trying until it was done and he didn't want to live anymore. I didn't know what to do. He seemed serious and was very emotional and I could tell he was coming off all the drugs. It was so horrible. My head pounded for 3 days. I think the suicide stuff was to get my mind off the money he blew. Our bills are behind. Anyway, enough about him. I already know what I have to do. strength2007, thank you so much for your input. I feel so, so sorry for you. I can't imagine if my son was in that position and I probably would still be trying to help him. You are a strong person to stop the madness. It must be so horrible to have to hear her suffer like that and there's nothing you can do. It is truly a sad, sad waste of life when people choose crack as a path. Or any drugs. I feel for you and I am so sorry for your pain. It really hit home because my husband sold one of his cars and immediately blew all the money on crack. I was so livid but numb at the same time. What do you do? It's a no-win situation. Like you, I know he will always call me even if I leave him because he knows I have always been there for him. foobar, I'm about the worst person on this site to give advice right now, however you asked so here is what I can offer. We separated for about 3 months when he first started doing the crack and staying away for 3 days at a time. I made him move out mainly because he didn't respect me and of course, the drugs. He was abusive emotionally and verbally. He didn't get a place but stayed with his parents and friends. We both missed each other terribly (I admit I feel lost without him and that is a symptom of co-dependence) and even though I actually felt some peace without him around, I gave in and took him back even though I knew better. So the answer to your question is that I missed him so much and that is not a good reason to take someone back because guess what, the problems are still there. They won't go away until you fix them. Love isn't enough. He promised not to ever do crack again, blah blah blah. Yet less than a year later, he was doing it again and hiding it and other vices. I must say he did try to quit on his own, however he wouldn't get any professional help and still won't, so I don't feel sorry for him in that regard. For your situation, I don't know the reason for the breakup, but if it's not drugs or cheating or anything like that, it may be a communication breakdown. Of course there are tons of reasons why people split up. But communication is highly underrated. Three simple things to remember that I have learned from my therapy (yes I'm in therapy LOL) is to state the problem as you see it, how it makes you feel (in detail, not just mad, glad, or sad) and then tell the other person what you need, and lastly, some suggested solutions to the problem. Only tackle one problem at a time. It gets too monumental to try and fix the whole marriage immediately. I hope none of your problems are anything like mine. Something else you can do is set some personal boundaries that you know you can stick to, and make her aware of them. Again, I'm not sure what caused the breakup so these may not be the answers you're looking for. Good luck. I am so jaded about relationships now it's not funny. Thank you all SO MUCH for listening.

You all have such great words right now. I can't thank you enough. Just knowing you took the time to reply means so much. Great feedback and food for thought. You have all made me realize that if I stay, I am enabling him to continue his drug use and that it is showing him that I will be there no matter what he does, and with no boundaries. I am forcing myself to be mad about this instead of feel sorry for him. It is so, so hard. You're right, the pity enables this behavior to continue further. I don't want to do that!!!! Thank you for making me see it that way. I don't want to be the co-dependent wife. You're right - why would he change if he always has me to come home to. I don't expect him to quit just because we split up - I'm not sure if he'll ever quit. Knowing him, he will have to make the decision to get help himself or with the aid of a male friend. I would love to do an intervention but knowing him, he might go for the help just to appease everyone but I really think he would relapse because he didn't initiate the choice. He is really, really big on control. And you know I've already given him a million chances. I cringe when I think about what he said about wanting to die, etc. I know I need to stop feeding the pain with the details. It's hard. Thank you, thank you, thank you all so much for your help. I will re-read everything when I need a boost to know I'm doing the right thing. It is so hard but I know I have to do it. Let's hope I can follow through completely this time. I am ashamed I haven't done it sooner.

Thank you for the encouraging words. Beec and melrich, I remember both of you from the "old days" of hell with my husband and when I came here for help. It's good to see that some of you are still here. I was hoping I wouldn't have to come back, but no such luck. I feel very alone in all this and I needed some objective points of view. Thank you again. I have a feeling of validatation now and I appreciate it. Princess777