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John Bendix

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  1. Could not agree more. At the first visit to the marriage counselor (which my X suggested and then tried to not show, was 1/2 hour late), she told the counselor, right in front of me with glassy eyes and total detachment that she did not know if she wanted our marriage to work. A couple of days later, I attempted to rationally discuss our meeting with the counselor and she got hostile and angry. I did not succumb and strike back. She seemed to show disdain for my calmness, and she walked away fuming. It seemed that she wanted me to get angry in order to give her more reasons to leave. Her mind was already made up, the "wall" was up, and discussion was not necessary.
  2. Depression causes relationships to breaksown as often as breakdown of relationships cause depression.
  3. So what? Why can't someone respond to an "old thread"? I would like to read about people's reflections on past topics from a newer perspective.
  4. I agree with Richmonder and surf on this. There are alot of factors that come into play. If there is a nice man that you have married, you owe it to him and yourself to investigate all of the factors causing you to question your feelings. Feelings that are only reactions to your perception of your life situation. Feelings do change. In fact, they dissapate quickly and a new one can be caused to appear that may be similiar or different depending on your reaction to your thoughts or to other emotions (in feedback to the mind). I quote the man who was asked why his marriage of more than 50 years was still going strong. He responded, "We never fell out of love at the same time." When you mention depression, are you talking about being down or clinical depression? "Depression causes divorce as often as divorce causes depression". Is it a factor?
  5. brokenandsad, Forgive my ignorance. I'll bite, what does this mean?
  6. Argo, You may need to go to link removed to get a better insight into the dynamic that you describe. It will explain that the more you try and get through to your wife, the more it will push her away. You are going up against an emotional "wall" that she has erected to shield herself from the pain that she has had inside of her. It also prevents the entry of any possible emotional threat to her already distressed state. Since you are the closest person to her emotionally, you are her biggest threat. You will just end up, as a lot of us have, beating your head up against the wall and cause her to build a bigger one in self protection. It is emotionally dysfunctional, not logical and certainly not emotionally healthy, for her but it is part of the "beast". Read some of the other posts by surfjon, tigger, scornandtorn, benga and others to see how we tried to cope with this situation.
  7. Argo, Sorry you are in this situation. Quite a few have been where you are.
  8. It seems that winning in this circumstance is a goal that seems not to be easily obtainable. If what you are trying to accomplish is "winning" your wife behave in more acceptable way, then there is no chance of winning. We cannot expect people to live up to our expectations or even change to meet them. Your wife seems very unhappy and maybe the marriage has not lived up to her expectations. She seems to be one who has closed down, put up a huge emotional wall, and directed her anger towards the person she sees as responsible for her unhappiness, you. Which is often the case even if it is unfair. She may have a great deal of pain inside of her which is coming forth in emotions such as anger, hostility, resentment, and so on. She has given up trying to have the marriage the way she believes that she deserves it. When this is the case, blame and complain are usually the duo that present themselves. Has your wife had a history or family history of depression? Is she going through perimenopause (which can last for years)? This is not the say that these are the reason for her discontent and the blame can be put there. They are many possibilities. If you bring this up to her, you better stand back for the response. She will vehenemtly deny anything like this and chastise you for looking for excuses for why you are so hard to live with. Check out Ann Rice's website, depressionfallout for her unofficial signs of depression. If you want to see the worst case scenario of this dynamic, look to my story!
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