zachiphus

hmmm.... you know what? I could easily see those as lyrics for Rise Against, totally off topic I know, but it's true....

"Darkness" by Disturbed Don't turn away I pray you've heard The words I've spoken Dare to believe Over one last time Then I'll let the Darkness cover me Deny everything Slowly walk away To breathe again On my own Carry me away I need your strength To get me through this Dare to believe Over one last time Then I'll let the Darkness cover me Deny everything Slowly walk away To breathe again On my own

you succeeded, very nicely worded. Maybe just needs a little more detail, add some intereseting adjectives to your nouns, it will help create a better picture in the readers head.