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fredthebread

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About fredthebread

  • Birthday 11/01/1975

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  1. Well in your thirties, you should have developed more self acceptance, but not everybody does. Everybody has to work on this stuff, for some it happens easily coz they have had good upbringings etc. but for others it is a longer process. But we should all be working on self actualization
  2. Don't beat yourself up about it (that is if you were depressed about not making a move). If you want to change the way you are it is far easier if you learn to love and respect yourself despite the way you are and then make the change. If you keep beating yourself up you will only stay depressed. Often the best way to change your behaviour is to change the way you think about a situation i.e. reframe it. I always think about approaching a girl as paying a complement to them. It is not about me and how I look/feel/walk/talk etc. It is all about them. This helps me lose my self consciousness. I also approach girls in a respectful and preferrable humorous way. Hey beautiful with a cheeky smile would work for me coz I have learned to carry that kind of thing off, but you have got to figure out what works for you. If the line does not feel real to you, you wont feel genuine and it will be harder to carry it off without coming accross as a fake. So pick something you are comfortable with and work from there. It is all about feeling comfortable in the situation. Of course you will be rejected, its almost a girls duty to make it hard for you at the start, but if you do it right they won't make it that hard for you. Never be too pushy though. Hope this helps!
  3. I have two vegetarian friends, one does not eat meat because of the cruelty to animals she believes happens in the meat industry. The other, just does not like the taste or texture of meat. Yogi don't eat meat and they are super healthy. But I like my steak too.
  4. No its not blue balls, but thanks for confirming I am not alone. I just hope the girls appreciate the pain we go through for the intimacy
  5. i think 'being on the same page' as someone said is vital. I appreciate the cuddling etc. but when a woman lies next to me in bed and I get turned on and don't get 'a release' so to speak, I wind up with an ache in my nether regions all the next day. I think this is because, my body is preparing for sex and producing all the juices etc, but they never get released, so to put it in engineering terms, there is a 'build up of pressure' down there. Do any other guys experience this or should I see a doctor? PS I am in a steady relationship at the moment so this is more historical than anything else, but I thought it was relevant. I too love cuddling and sharing intimacy and talking all night. Please don't let me interrupt the flow if no one else experienced this!
  6. Hi, I got a private message on this so I said I would put the response up here for all to see, as I think therapy by private message is dangerous: Quote: i saw one of your posts where you said you were extremely shy, but changed your views on people/the world and you became more social and made mroe friends.. i was wondering if you wouldn't mind sharing more details on that (i.e. what were your old views, what are your new views), and the steps you took to get there? thanks! Well to try and keep it simple! When I was growing up in my family, there was a culture of putting each other down all the time. This stemmed from my father. When I was about ten, my father kicked my mother out and decided to raise us himself. My father was not liked in the community we grew up in and we got this feedback too. All of this made me automatically assume people would not like me. So I had very poor expectations of social interaction. I also viewed other people as vindictive and nasty, so I had little desire to interact. And because of my low self esteem, I kept going back to my family for validation, which never came. So through a process of trying different therapies and reading psychology and self help books, I came to the conclusion that although I am a flawed person, If I decided on the type of person I wanted to be, i.e. a good person (and what that meant to me) and I genuinely worked towards that then I could forgive myself for my current flaws and stop beating myself up and develop self acceptance. I also realised that other people who were nasty had suffered some hurt themselves and it was just their 'ego' (freud) kicking in to help them feel better about themselves. This allowed me to not get as resentful and fearful of other people but to view an attack on me (who was trying to be good, see above), as a sign of their hurt and not interpret it so much as an attack on my ego (with the attending self esteem issues). This stopped the self hate and suspicion of the world and allowed me to go out into the world and deal with its nastiness in a better way, without getting emotionally beaten up every time. This change in thinking was very effective for me, but my inner voice (basically the voice in your head that represents the view of yourself and your capabilities, that you have internalized from your family) was still the same. So I did two things, I went to see a hypnotherapist to change my inner voice and I stopped going back to my family for validation (which was kind of like trying to give up cigarettes!) At the end of the day there are probably holes in my philosophy, but there are holes in every philosophy and I think you have to adopt a Macciavellian approach 'the end justifies the means' and figure out whatever works for you, even if you 'know its not true'. I had this problem with my view of other people, I really clung to my belief that they were vindictive. But I kind of decided to ignore myself and repress those thoughts and try the new philosophy and I started to get positive social feedback and when I got negative social feedback, I just viewed them as hurting and realised they did not know my 'try to be good ambition' so it did not hurt me as much. The whole thing snowballed and now I am taking a full part in society and have a good career and I have positive relationship with women even if we do break up. I am still a flawed person, but I am continuing to work on that in parallel and so I can forgive myself. I will post this on the forum so everyone can see it and comment (see - not so shy ) PS: This also helped me get off antidepressants __________________ Life is the sum total of our experiences, lets make it worth something.
  7. Hi, I got a private message on this so I said I would put the response up here for all to see:
  8. I have not read all the posts here, but I do not think it is helpful to think of shyness as a condition, that cannot be changed. In my experience shyness is based on one of two things: (a) Negative social feedback (b) Negative family feedback To reverse shyness, in my opinion, what is needed is positive social feedback. This may be gained by learning social skills or by doing good deeds for which you get social approval. A sad fact of humanity is if you look to others for your self esteem, you will always be lacking in self esteem. Self esteem has to be generated from the inside by trying to be a good person and accepting yourself as you struggle and fail frequently. A good exercise I do sometimes is to step outside myself and look at myself like a non-judgemental parent. I can see how hard it is for me to be me and how much I struggle and why I fail. Looking at myself from the outside like this separates me from the emotions that may be obscuring my view when I am looking from the inside out. It helps me accept myself as I am and to work towards what I want to be. This has helped me deal with my shyness and to progress in life. To answer your survey, I was raised by my father who was a harsh and sometimes brutal man, but I had 7 siblings and we all tend towards the shy end.
  9. Dating sites (I have tried a couple) are good if you can pull in the real world. Of course if you are not trying to get into a relationship, they are fine and you can chat away to your hearts content and develop good fun online relationships. But, a lot of people use them thinking they will avoid having to get around personal problems that inhibit them in the real world. So I would suggest you look at why you are lonely and what changes you can make in yourself to change this. For example, I used to be extremely shy, but I worked on my thinking and my view of the world/people and my view of myself. Now I am very social, and have a lot of friends and girlfriends. I may be off the mark, but if you have a view of the world/people that is not profiting you, you may be best to just dump it, despite how true you think it is. We can get locked in our own negative thinking and in my experience sometimes you have to ignore your inner voice and do what we need to do, to improve the quality of our lives. Your inner voice will change eventually!
  10. You should fill in your gender, because my ideas and I am sure most others depend on your gender.
  11. I think I might have dated you? lol But seriously if he is going on too long, you have to get him warmed up before it goes in. If he goes on too short, he has to get you warmed up before it goes in. Its called foreplay folks !!!!!!
  12. Yeah be careful what you wish for, if he is the kind that goes on forever, you can wind up dry and sore. I had this happen with a couple of girlfriends. What I do is give her an orgasm with other parts of my body - tongue, fingers etc. then have my fun and if she comes again great, if not, she had hers so she can't complain as long as she stays wet. But I have had a good few relationships (I am 31, not a player) and there are all sorts of women out there and there is no hard and fast rule or secret book you can read. You have to train your man and your man has to train you into how you each work. A lot of it is in the mind. One girlfriend I had would nearly get an orgasm just driving round the red light district (a fantasy she had). So our foreplay before she would let me near her was to drive round the red light district and get home before she had gone of the boil Led to some crazy driving and we sometimes had to pull in Anyone else with crazier foreplay stories? Might help these girls out!
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