youngadult

Well if you can't be content with that kind of relationship (which you aren't, it seems), then you should probably just tell her that if things don't change you'll have to leave. I don't mean it as a threat. I mean that it would be better for you to leave now a relationship to which your partner can't commit, than to be left, later, with a bunch of excuses and feeling like there is something wrong with you. She is not into it as she might have led you to believe. If I'm wrong, she will make an effort when faced with the prospect of you leaving. Otherwise, you'll do right to go look for a deeper, more "two-way" involvement elsewhere. The best of luck to you.

Heartfelt thanks to both of you for your advice, I found it all really helpful. It's important to be reminded of these very simple things sometimes, it's funny to realize it, but we do forget them quite often it seems...ì To sistaluv, I want to tell you to speak to your man about how you feel about his social behavior, not as a criticism but opening your heart to him... who knows he might begin to ask himself some of these questions... like I did. Things for now are looking good enough, I realize I have to clarify my outlook and not cause some sort of change in the world outside, for the moment I go on with a sense of my own "cognitive dissonance" (that was exactly right), and we'll see where this road takes me... Again thank you for the advice, I got the message(s). And I'll keep reading for any additions. Take care now and Good Luck!

Hi. I am a man in his early twenties and I am living with a woman more than 25 years my senior. I came to eNotalone because it seems to me that (with some notable exceptions) people here are capable of both thinking out of the box and sensible, kind advice -- a combination I really need right now. We have been together for a couple of years now and through some really deep and wonderful romance.... There was some (mild) shock in the immediate circle of friends when we got together, but it was easy for us to deal with that. Then, when our families came to know about the relationship, we discovered with some surprise that they were perfectly OK with it. We hardly ever fight and when we do, things get worked out soon; it's always been a matter of just talking them through. We have fun together and enjoy many of the same interests, I feel she's young at heart and she that I'm mature in mine; we are very close and intimate. What is my problem then, you will say? Well the problem is that even in the happiest moments, through all this wonderful time, I have to admit that our gap in age does cast its shadow, especially in the social sphere. Our problem was never those differences in development that some have pointed out in replies to similar situations; not that they don't exist, but we talk about them and get over them. It's mostly other people's reactions and beliefs and the challenge of being a couple out there in the "public world". The two of us don't have a lot of friends to start with, but of those, only some are common. The others sometimes don't even know we're together. I feel, uncomfortably, that I'm almost being secretive: not that I'm actively hiding anything, but it's hard sometimes to be upfront about my intimate life when I don't know if people will understand me as they certainly would, were she of my same age. People we interact with when we're out and around together, in fact, never seem to see the possibility of us being a couple (not that I blame them for it, it just makes me feel like that part of me is by default unrecognized), and more likely assume we're mother and son. This after a fairly extended time is getting to be stressful. I am tired of the cliches, she's not my mother and I am not looking for one in her. It seems that this very large, profound and important part of my life, this relationship, is getting confined into a mostly private sphere because of its unusualness. Inside I feel like we should be able to be a happy and functional couple of individuals with their own place in society, but the world seems to be saying "no, there are limits and rules, and they are objective and you don't fit them, so you can never be accepted". I'm sure a lot of it is caused by my own outlook on the situation, and part of it may even be just a projection, but it feels very real and has a weight nonetheless. Is there no remedy for this and am I just too weak to be unaffected? Maybe I just need to "come out" more and make more and more supportive friends. Maybe that's why I'm writing. But most of all I think I'm feeling that this relationship has reached a point after 2 years where it needs to break through some sort of membrane and into a different level, and it's challenging. Anybody has words for me? I am mostly looking for advice coming from similar experiences, although anything coming from an open mind and a kind heart is gladly accepted as well. Need not apply: Anyone without the basic human qualities mentioned above, and ESPECIALLY: Christian ministers that believe the entirety of necessary "life instructions" to be contained in a book, and people dogmatic and afraid of physical contact enough to say "hugging is inappropriate for ANY teacher/student relationship" or narrow-minded and mean enough to offer "he should be dating someone in psychology class, not dating someone he reads about in psychology textbook" as advice to a parent of someone in an age gap relationship. I really don't need or want to deal with such mentalities and their "well-meant advice", so I hope you know who you are and please STAY AWAY. Thanks to everyone that has read this far and sorry for the lenght of the post: I needed to talk. Best of luck in life to you all.