ExarionUniverse19

Huh... what day am I on now? I stopped posting here a few days ago... what, is this day 21 already? Wow! Too bad I'm feeling like **** today. I'm not even going to recap the days that I've missed... they've been OK, nothing special, just healing, right? Well, maybe today was the last straw for me... Day 21 So it all started when I got to school and was in one of those depressed moods... nothing serious, just not feeling optimistic, but a little down because it was morning. This is nothing new -- I've felt like this before, the only time it went away was during my 1 month relationship... So anyway, I wasn't feeling super to begin with, and then I saw her walking the hallway between classes... and something about her (I won't say what) really got to me, and made me sad, angry, as all those emotions that I thought were in the past came back. It really ruined my day. I got so mad at myself for it! It wasn't anything I DID, but just how I reacted to the mere SIGHT of her. I mean, I've been separated for longer than I was with her! And yet I'm not over her by any means. I'm healing, which is good, and I'm moving on, but today really got me down! I seem to have reached the conclusion that she was just infatuated with me, and that it passed, whereas my feelings for her were deeper. After a month apart, that seems to be the case. She is ignoring me completely, as if I don't exist, and I'm thinking about her constantly. She's young, so I guess she just "tried me out" and decided I wasn't for her. Of course, she thought I was "the one" while we were together, but she didn't really have her head on straight then. So what's getting to me is... unrequited love. How can she, after being so into me, just forget? Because she's young and still immature? Maybe that's it... but I really don't know. I don't even know exactly why she broke up with me, but all evidence points to her just forgetting about me (I know she hasn't FORGOTTEN, but she doesn't seem to CARE). Which really sucks, because I honestly felt a real connection with this girl. I didn't just have a physical attraction towards her. In fact, that wasn't the first thing that I liked about her. I liked her for her personality, work ethic, among other things... and I still feel that we could work out as a real couple. But what can be done when she doesn't like me at all? Well, it doesn't seem like there's any reasonable hope for me, and if there is, I'm not living on it. Why let someone who doesn't care the least bit about you control you? Because that's what she's doing. I HAVE told myself that if she ever tries to come back (and if the sun doesn't come up tomorrow), I won't agree to reconcile. Why should I, when the first time around, I've spent more time dealing with the pain of a break up than I did enjoying the relationship? Sure, it was worth it, but I don't want to go down that same road again. But even though I'm in control a little bit... my emotions still aren't. I still feel really awkward when I see her in the hallway. Starting tomorrow, I won't. I'll be strong, and see her as she sees me... just another student at a high school. Kind of a rant there... but I needed to do it. We'll see how things go now that I've made another change in the healing process... hopefully I won't have another day like this again.

I didn't post here yesterday... I was too tired, and I'd already posted about my day in another topic. Guess I'm doing double duty today again. Day 15 I posted this in another topic, but here it is in the appropriate one... yesterday, I was waiting around for 15 minutes after school, for a good reason, nothing to do with her, but soon she did fall into the picture. I stuck around for an extra 5 minutes or so after I'd seen her parents' car, and then I left. And as I was walking away, I saw her! So I sprinted away, very angry at myself for having let myself see her! I could have avoided it. Fortunately, I got over it quickly. Day 16 Ugh... in a continuation from yesterday, I'm starting to become less strict about NC. I'm wondering if that's a good or a bad thing. I'm feeling better every day, but my hopes and thoughts about next year and reconciliation are still there. So today, I saw her pass by my 2nd hour class very early... as if she was rushing to see me before I entered the classroom. Yeah, that wasn't a great thought, but fortunately I was in an optimistic mood today so it didn't hurt too much. I made a decision of sorts today... that I'm going to let up on NC a bit. I'm still going to follow the rules, but I'm not going to avoid her at school anymore. It wasn't like I was running away from her before, but she was affecting my schedule just a bit. So now, I think I'm strong enough to see her again. And that won't mean seeing her every day, but probably at least once a week. An interesting feeling regarding this decision... I still get pleasure from seeing her. Only now, it doesn't hurt. It's like when you have a crush on someone that you know doesn't like you. Does that hurt? It hasn't for me. Even though we broke up, it doesn't hurt that much anymore. Maybe I can still live with feelings for her, as long as I'm happy. And as long as I don't go out of my way to let those feelings show. So maybe when I do see her... it will brighten my day. It just won't consume it. For those of you who read... is that OK? Is it OK for me to stray from NC a little bit if I feel like I'm ready to? I'm not quitting NC, because I'm still following the rules I set for myself, but it's not as strict. Anything wrong with it?

Yeah, I always think "she isn't thinking about me, she's moved on", and whenever I see her with her friends or doing something happy, I think she doesn't care. I mean, I think that because she supposedly lost interest, she doesn't care... I know she does, though it really doesn't matter.

Well, I don't know much about infatuation... my health book has this skewed view of infatuation... that it is based on physical attraction only, that it involves no intimacy, that it is a fantasy, and that it ALWAYS consists of fighting and arguing. EDIT: Interesting... I found the very same passage that was in my health book on Wikipedia... link removed This makes it seem like it's nothing... I don't know... I think there was more there than infatuation. I think that we were infatuated... her behavior proves it. But I was looking for a serious, meaningful relationship too. Getting along well, doing the things we both enjoy together, and really being intimate with each other. I have no idea about her though, and I don't think I ever will know...

Hmm... that's a good way to look at it, lady00. I just think because it was 1 month... now we don't have anything to keep us together. But I suppose you're right -- this relationship was never meant to go anywhere if it doesn't resurface next year... Regarding Puckdog's comment about infatuation... I've thought about our relationship as an infatuation, and maybe that's how she sees it... but I don't really see it that way. An infatuation is more like a fantasy, and not serious, and I think we saw it seriously for at least part of the relationship. Then again, maybe that's a part of the infatuation. It certainly wasn't love though, but it was getting there.

Man, I need a part 2 today... not feeling that sad, but I'm forced to stay on the computer because of my paper, and I have a few too many thoughts stuck in my head... Day 14... part II So... I've been reading lots of posts here on eNotAlone, many about reconciliation, or at least an attempt at it, and I can't stop thinking about it... not this year, but next. I keep thinking about how special it would be to reconcile next year, once we've healed. But THEN I think about how HEALING will have caused us to not be interested in each other, and I think this because she hasn't contacted me and because it was only a 1 month relationship! I'm so silly! These seem to be natural thoughts of "She hasn't contacted me, I haven't heard anything about her, she must not care about me at all". I don't feel depressed right now, but if there's one aspect of the break up I haven't gotten over... it's the possibility of reconciliation next year.

Eh, it's not the NC that's so difficult, because I know how ridiculous it would be to contact her. It's just when I think about her and the good times we had that things get a little rough... Day 14 Like today. Today wasn't a bad day, but it was the first day back to school from Spring Break... and though I didn't see her, I did feel a little depressed this morning. But it passed. Much of the "depression" was about the English paper I have to write tonight, though... that stuff gets me down, though temporarily. I'm so glad that I've decided to limit myself though. It's weird, because she wasn't bad for me, but rather a good influence on me. But I tell myself that if she ever decides to contact me about reconciliation, I won't fall for her... I do that mostly so I won't think about the GOOD that will come from her contacting me. I still want her to contact me, but that's mostly because I want to PROVE to myself that I can stay strong. Still, next year... that's when we'll be together again... er, that's in the same after school club, I mean. But this opportunity next year does get me thinking, a bit too much, about reconciliation. But I must remember that a busy summer and time away from her will be enough to get me over her. So I won't feel the way I do now next year. These days are good for me though. I'm not even halfway through NC, so I just need to keep living. And even though I think about this whole situation quite often, I'm not unhappy anymore... and I can't wait to get back to 100%. Stupid English paper...

Wow, when was the last time I posted here? I think I'm moving on... Day 11 I had a really good thought about moving on... thought it was my "moment of Zen"! Well, not completely, but this was a good day, though I had nothing to do but sit around and be lazy... which allowed me to have a good thinking/relaxation session about her. Day 12 Very good day... thought about her a bit more, but something really exciting happened to be today, so I'm happy. Had nothing to do with girls, or anything social, but it was exciting! Day 13 That's today... I suffered from the typical Sunday blues today, and to add to it, I have an English paper due on Tuesday that I haven't even started on... but my sad feelings really didn't have to do with her. Just the fact that I return to school tomorrow after a good, long Spring Break. But posting here has helped. Hey, I haven't seen her in over 10 days! Haven't contacted her in over 20! Strict NC sits at... 13 days! This is getting easy!

If you're feeling miserable, you should try posting here more often. Don't spend the whole day here, but a post everyday about how you're feeling should help...

Well, I've haven't contacted her once since the break up. I don't believe that completely ignoring them is the answer. She has a right to know, and that's all there is to it. If I had told her I was doing NC when I started, that would be different. But she replied to my email a couple of weeks ago briefly... so that's what I'll do too. I mean, I guess it depends on the tone of the email (if that's how she chooses to contact me). If it's polite enough, I'll respond.

Day 10 Wow, Day 10 already? I'm getting there. Today was a little bit more difficult, and I've had to come on eNotAlone several times to help me with my intermittent thoughts about her... many of which were thoughts about what could have happened if we were to have a future together. But it's silly, because we're both so young and immature that a serious relationship wasn't going to happen anyway. Naturally, I continue to think about what she's thinking about. I think, "It was only a 1 month relationship, is she going through what I'm going through? How is she getting over it? Was it easy for her?". And I think about whether she still likes me even after breaking up, about the many reasons why she broke up with me. This leads to thoughts about reconciliation... But right now these thoughts are silly and pointless. Why? Because of 2 things: 1) If she does contact me about reconciliation within the next 2 months (something I think about quite often), I won't even consider it. If she tries to contact me during strict NC, I'll briefly tell her not to contact me. If it happens a little later, I might be more polite, but I still won't allow anything to happen this year. 2) I tell myself that reconciliation is only a possibility once we've both healed, which will definitely happen by next school year. But we'll both feel completely different about each other then. We will have lost that special feeling for each other. IT WON'T BE THE SAME. So whatever thoughts go through my head about reconciliation now aren't going to apply next year. Time will heal me... So at least I can prevent myself from thinking about getting back together. It will only happen once we've both healed. I've accepted that. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean I've healed. I still have fantasies about what could have been, and I think about the past... Amazingly, I still have new thoughts about her almost every day. I'm beating a dead horse here, but as long as I'm healing... I think I'm "getting away" with thinking about her a lot. I don't seem to have a problem with it, and hopefully I will heal while my thoughts gradually move away from her. It doesn't look like I'll have to force myself to stop. So it's going smooth... for now.

Day 9 Spring Break is doing its magic... I'm enjoying my time off from school, and though I still miss her, life is going just fine for me. I did shudder a few times last night thinking about some of the good times in our relationship, but fortunately, that's passed and I continue to move on. This is the way its been for weeks now -- still miss her, still think about her, but happy with life in general. I'm still healing though.

Day 8 Moving into the second week of strict NC... and feeling better. I still miss her, would like things to be the way they were before... but I don't want her back. At least not in my head. I know that there's no reason to battle with another relationship at this point. I won't do it until I'm healed. And that's only if she shows signs of liking ME. And if that's going to happen... it will happen next year, when we rejoin the extracurricular activity that brought us together this year. We'll have gone through many changes by then... and if a relationship is meant to happen, it will happen then. But a minor problem here is that I keep thinking about next year, about whether she'll like me then, about how she'll be judging me... even though I know I won't immediately have feelings for her then! So, in a way, that is keeping me from saying "it's over, move on". But I feel good about it, so maybe I'm doing just fine. But from the looks of it, 30 days of NC should be a walk in the park... and unless I'm positive we've both completely healed, I'm not going to quit. I may be doing NC until next school year. Of course, I won't see it as NC after awhile. I'll see it as living a normal day, a day before we even knew each other.

I've been gone for 3 days -- at a friend's house over the weekend, and I was just plain busy yesterday! Still thought about her quite a bit, but they weren't all sad thoughts. Day 5 Not much happening here. Didn't think about her much, went over to my friend's house and went bowling -- that was fun. Day 6 Went bowling again... and slept over at my friend's house for the second night in a row. I had a good thinking session about her that night, thinking about how silly it was to have plans for next year. I'll be over her by then, and we'll see each other in a completely different way. I'm happy to say that I probably won't want her again next year. Day 7 It was a nice day, so I went outside and played tennis for awhile, then watched baseball and the NCAA championship game, so I didn't have time to come on eNotAlone. So I'm still thinking about her, but NC is very easy now due to Spring Break and all. Occasionally a good memory of our relationship will come into my head, and I'll feel sad... but then when that memory comes again the next day, I won't feel sad anymore, because that memory has already done its worst. I'm not super happy right now, but things are going well, as I've completed one week of strict NC.

Day 4 Ugh. Had to get on eNotAlone early today, because as I was sitting on the couch watching TV, I had a flashback... of when we first were getting into the relationship, at around the same time as right now... we were on the very same couch, on a Friday. So I had to find something else to do, which is why I'm here now. I didn't think about her much today, but when I did, it was short and sweet. By sweet I mean a little bit harder to deal with, as my feelings for her seemed to be a bit stronger today. But! I've decided that if she does contact me asking for reconciliation (or for anything else), I'll follow the rules of NC and explain to her that I need space right now and we can't talk yet. I'm not going to let my emotions get the best of me, and right now, all I want to do is move on. My heart wishes for reconciliation, but I'm fighting that wish with my brain, letting NC do its work to heal me... So today begins Spring Break. That means 10 days without seeing her at all, period. I won't be in the same school with her, so this should be the best time to heal. Hopefully I'll return to school on Monday with different emotions. Overall, an up and down day, but aside from the break up issues -- it's Spring Break! Can't get down about that!