reasonablegirl

I think he said he has been dating her for 6 months although he has known her for 4 years. Why are you living with her after dating for only 6 months and not even being sure about how you feel about her AND knowing if you break up with her or move out you are going to destroy her? After she loses the weight, what if she gains it back? You said that as she loses the weight she becomes more attractive to you. Are you going to dump her if she gains it back because as she gradually gains weight she will start becoming less attractive to you? Better yet, maybe she will lose the weight, realize she is better than having to date a guy who will only go out with her if she loses weight and dump you. Now wouldn't that be interesting.

Her little 'ignoring me on purpose' comment tells me she knows exactly how she is toying with your heart. I would cut her off cold turkey at this point.

Well if she is intiating contact and she dumped you, then you should be the first one ending text exchanges and conversations rather than trying to keep them going and then wondering why she disappears after you send one last text. You can't always be allow yourself to be available everytime she snaps her fingers, it is going to just turn you into her emotional crutch rather than seeing you as a romantic alternative to her latest mistake. (BTW, you should start a new thread rather than hijacking this one if you want to get more opinions on this).

Crows, I don't know a whole lot of detail about what was texted back and forth but if the roommate hockey text was the last one you sent her, it doesn't seem like something that warrants a response. A text that does not ask a question but only makes a statement is not one that requires a response. Regardless, I think you are making yourself far too available to her which is making it easier for her to get over breaking up with you and move on.

miss_chris, do what he asked which is for you to do nothing. You sent him a holiday greeting and he did not respond. He will not respond to a birthday wish. And, in fact, since he told you to leave him alone, attempting to contact him more will likely result in him being annoyed and more angry at you because he knows you probably can't help but send him something. Also, he is probably expecting you to send him something for his birthday and getting ready to be annoyed and irritated. If you want to shake him up and make him think of you and miss you, do what he does not expect which is to totally ignore him. Leave him alone, give him breathing room.

Living in the present is one of the hardest things for people to do. People always want to know what might happen in the future. But remember, if you don't do this journey, you won't really be able to appreciate any of the good things that will come from it. Think how much you will value your independence and self-worth if you regain it through this hard work - you'll never be willing to lose it for someone else again. Now go to bed!!

It doesn't work like that dunzo. You can't predict how you will feel in the future because, well, it's the future and you are not a fortune teller. Just live day to day and try to get through each day. It will be hard at first and then one day you will all of a sudden realize that you actually had fun doing something or you didn't think about him for a long time or you didn't obsessively check your email for three whole hours because you were distracted with something else. Those small steps are your progress. Don't think big picture like in terms of weeks and months. In the early stages, think in terms of minutes and hours and what are you going to do to occupy your time right now.

Hmmm, I agree somewhat with bear12 - 6 months of excruciating emotional pain over a 2 month relationship is not necessarily normal even if you were madly in love with someone - well, unless you are a character in an Isabelle Allende novel. However, it sounds like after the relationship ended, she tormented you online for awhile which means you were not allowed to start really healing - how long did that go on and how long has it been since you had contact with her (online or otherwise) prior to the car sighting? If you are still freaking out about this every day AND you have not had any contact with her or torment by her and her friends for 60 days or more, then you might want to contact a therapist to talk about why you are unable to let go.

You describe your ex as currently being in Michigan while you are in Florida. You said your ex is also depressed and lonely with no friends her age. It sounds like she is reaching out due to her situation and because she wants someone in her life and you are what she knows - but that doesn't mean you are what she really wants. I'd tread carefully here. Realistically speaking, how would you manage this long distance relationship with your ex? Maybe all she really wants is some emotional support and not to really get back together. As for the new girl, if your heart is not really free and you can not give her your full focus, that is not fair to her especially since she is inexperienced sexually and probably emotionally when it comes to relationships. DO NOT let her plan her future around you as it has only been 3 weeks and from your post, you are not in love with her right now although she thinks she is in love with you. She should have the benefit of being thought of as a completely new relationship and should not have to try and live up to what you think you had with your ex. That is not fair to her as your memories of your ex can be whatever you have built them up to be and your new girl can only live in your reality rather than your dreams. Unfortunately, she has gotten emotionally attached to you and to break up with her is going to hurt her a lot. In fact, she may end up being an enotalone poster of the month after that with schemes and dreams of how to get YOU back. Due to distance and past problems, things probably won't work out with your ex right now. However, if you don't take some steps to find that out, you will always wonder and that means your heart might not be free for a new relationship for a long, long time. Perhaps you should test the waters with your ex by communicating with her about what she really wants and why - but be cautious. At the same time, you should either break up or extremely back off with the new girl since you can not reciprocate her feelings. Don't let her fall more in love with you and don't let her start planning her life around you. Taking a time out and spending some quality time thinking about what YOU really want and what is best for you was also a good suggestion. This just seems like it will be a logistical nightmare and huge disappointment with your ex and an emotional trauma with your new girl. Either way, it appears that people are going to get hurt and that is not good. Utimately, the decisions rest with you on what to do. Keep us updated and we'll help as best we can.

mariab - this is one of the toughest emotional challenges anyone has to go through but remember, you are not alone (thus the name of this site)! There are thousands upon thousands of posts just in the enotalone forums from people who are going through what you are going through and the vast majority have or will get through just fine - and you will too since you logically know what is going on and what you need to do - you just need your heart to catch up with your head and that takes awhile. In response to your questions: -being friends later. You may be able to be friends later, maybe not. You can't predict the future and neither can he. It is very frustrating not to have an answer to how someone might feel about you later but that is the joy and tragedy about being human. You are going to just have to let him go for now and who knows what the future will hold for you. -walk away or stick around. I think in this instance, sticking around right now will cause you more hurt and will cause the situation to deteriorate even more which will guarantee that the answer to your first question about friends will be "no, he won't want to be your friend". That's the really crazy part - for you to ensure that you might have a chance to be friends in the future, you have to get away from him now. -how long with no contact. That depends on you. When you are to the point where you don't need him anymore, when you feel happy and satisfied being by yourself and thoughts of him don't cause you anxiety, then you are probably ready to break the no contact. -will he miss me? Again, I'm not a mind reader but in the vast majority of cases, even where there was bad blood between the parties in the break up, both parties miss each other. And, rest assured, he will never forget you either. Time for you to resign yourself to doing NC. It'll be hard and you might make mistakes but you can do this and you can get through this.

ericson, sounds like you kind of want to get back with her but you don't want to get burned. Assuming she wasn't just babbling something to you that she thought you wanted to hear and she is serious about wanting to get back together with you, here is what I think. If she recently broke up with her boyfriend she may be in emotional crisis and looking for a quick fix for her pain and you might just be what she thinks is the solution. That is not a good situation for you as it will likely end with you getting hurt. If she is truly broken up with her boyfriend and over him and you think you can keep your emotions in check and want to test the waters as to what she is really doing, you could perhaps go out on a few dates with her over the next month but nothing serious, no jumping back into a real relationship or, god forbid, starting to be intimate again. If she wants a real relationship with you at this point, then she needs to prove it by starting from square one and building up trust with you. If she is willing to start very slowly with no expectations, at the same time you should continue to live your life, do the things that make you happy without her and date other people. The problem here is going to be whether you feel you are emotionally strong enough to stay detached from her until you can figure out if she is sincere. Some tips if you want to try again with her: 1. Let her initiate contact for awhile (like the first month at least). 2. If you start to feel you are getting out of control with your emotions and you are getting anxious and worried about where everything is going, stop immediately, go back to no contact and don't get involved, you are not ready for this yet. 3. Don't spend a lot of time with her, spend more time with your own activities. See her maybe once a week or every other week at most. 4. Don't spend long hours talking to her on the phone or online or whatever, you'll just get too attached and make yourself appear a bit needy and far too available. In fact, you should end most calls yourself and after about 15 minutes or so. You don't and shouldn't trust her right now so modify your behavior to take that into account and to protect your heart until you know what she is up to.

sad_and_confused, you must stop listening to your poor, confused heart and stop being a doormat for your ex. She may want to be your friend but it sounds like you have become more of a taxi for her than a friend right now. If you want her to really respect you and miss you, you need to stop letting her think that you will come running at her beck and call. Why should she start thinking of you as a potential boyfriend or want you back when you do everything she wants without her having to give you anything? Stop answering the phone for her. If you can't stop answering the phone, when she asks for help give an excuse as to why you can't be available to help her at the time she asks. How can she ever miss what you contributed to the relationship if you keep giving it to her for free? Let her go completely for awhile and see what happens.

How exactly is your ex contacting you each time?

This is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done. Unfortunately there is no escaping that. I wish I could give you a secret to make it just be over but there really isn't one. Good job in taking up those activities! Doing that will make it go faster but it probably won't stop you from feeling the pain. Just remember, you will be soooooo tempted to contact her again, to check her online activities, to check your email, to rush home to see if she called, etc. but contact with her will start the pain all over and make you have to feel what you are feeling again (maybe not as intensely but you will). We humans are bizarre creatures, although we know that talking to the ex will cause us to get hurt, we just can't help ourselves - hoping against hope that things will have changed when we know it hasn't. You will get through this and you can be strong! Worst case scenario - there are about a million posts on eNotAlone, if you can't stop yourself from thinking about her, start reading the posts about people who are in as much or worse pain as you (I know it sounds awful) but when I was hurting, I found myself comforted by knowing I was not the only one and very distracted from thinking about him when I was reading. Also, you might want to think about taking up a physical activity. Exercising tends to put you on a endorphin high that lasts for quite a bit and allows you to think rationally and clearly even after you are done with the exercising. Endorphins are a natural way to reduce pain in your brain which is what you need right now. And, add to that, you'll start getting in great shape and feeling really good about yourself too! One other thing that seems to help is meditation and breathing exercises. When you start to feel incredibly stressed out, stop what you are doing and just start focusing on slowly breathing in and out. Count 1 for in, 1 for out then go to 2 and so on up to 10 and then count back from 10. If you get distracted and miss a count, start over from one. This seems to help calm me down quite a bit during those really bad moments. And, you can also do the same type of thing using the phrase 'Let go' as you breath out, reminding yourself that you need to let go of her for now. I hope some of these ideas help you to cope better during this difficult time.

You are doing the right thing - moving on and letting her go for now. It sounds like you just moved to a new city so that is doubly hard as you may not have a circle of close friends to give you support and distraction right now. Some things you can do are to just make a list of things you would like to accomplish for yourself. Stuff like, learning a musical instrument, taking up a new language, working out, etc. Apparently a whole heck of a lot of people on this site seem to take up martial arts during a break up. I'm a martial artist and to be honest, it is a great activity and it is very social and will allow you to meet a whole circle of new friends. Once you have your list, start taking the steps to do some of those things you want to accomplish. Fill your days with these great activities and you will come in contact with lots of new people, make new friends and become a happier person. And you will be doing it for yourself, by yourself and without her being involved. This stuff is YOUR stuff and you never have to worry about it dumping or breaking up with you. If you are able to do all of these things and become happy with yourself without your ex then when and if your ex becomes available again, you will be a much better person and you will be emotionally ready to make a decision as to whether you want to have a relationship with her again. She may not come back at all but it won't matter if you truly focus on you because you will know you can find incredible happiness from within yourself rather than having to get it from someone else. And to be honest, people who are happy with themselves are some of the most attractive people in the world and are nearly irresistible! Good luck!