blanchett

"potentially catty women," is right. that's the real issue even though i'm now functionally over it. these were girls who wanted my bf when he was single, got him in bed for a night, and he blew them off for further "interludes," ie, did not make them his "girlfriends" (though he has had those too, and they don't bother me a bit), but they stuck around in his friend group, and sure he was nice to them, he is a nice guy. didn't want to be a d*ck. but i am sure that many of them have little crushes on him (it's been obvious before and after i knew his interludes with them years ago). that's the part he doesn't get as much as i do, and i think my female friends do. not to be so divisive or call women catty bc its not THEIR fault for wanting to hook up with a hot, willing, drunk guy, at all! however, realizing that there is zero chance at this point is pretty obvious - we live together now, we have a great relationship, are very intimate, have fun and laugh all of the time together when we go out....i don't want my "inner meanie" to come out unnecessarily, but one flirty move on the parts of these chicks will get that inner meanie out. and i disguise her with an inner "nicie!" who simply will go up and make them feel syrupy with my kindness toward them all.....ugh. games. that's what i'm trying to avoid here. the whole lot; and still, not cut them off out of perceived insecurity.....logistics. blech!!

I agree re the ick factor (obviously!). The wrinkle is that since these are friends in his "group," I can't completely dodge all of them. However, I agree that I have every right to limit how much time I want to spend with them. Thank God none of this is too recent though. That's probably the only solace I've got on this one.

Point taken, and sure, I have lied in the past about things that were tough to admit or discuss. But I learned not to do that anymore - especially with someone I want to spend my life with. I think that it is precisely when things are tough to say, that you should say them to someone with whom you are supposed to have great intimacy. I didn't ask about his past for 2 whole years. I didn't care to be nosy and I wasn't insecure about it. When it was put in my face on that unfortunate night when his friend tried to makeout with him in front of me, I asked for honesty - the same kind that I know I would give in a like situation. Maybe that is the answer though - perhaps by admitting it all now, he has grown to that point of honesty and intimacy through experience. Hope so

Thanks. What about the lie? I asked him specifically about X girl after the original incident and he said "no," and then came clean months later after deciding that he needed to "clear the air." I can get over the fact that he had a promiscuous past, and even that he hooked up with these "friends," years ago. The lie is really the problem. Thanks again for all advice!!

Well, the saga continues! Now (months later) he confessed to 4 more friends who he hooked up with before he met me, in a "heart to heart" convo, because he did in fact lie to me after the "drunk girl" incident. He thought the volume of friends he's hooked up with sounded "ridiculous" so he told me half the story rather than the whole thing.... I'm quite simply devastated to hear this after really working to get over the original "omission." It brought back all of the insecure feelings from the original incident and makes me pretty grossed out as well!! Plus, the fact that he lied is just awful. He "came clean" because he wants to make our relationship better - "clear the air," and move forward. I just feel like even though I love him and can understand why he wouldn't want to advertise these elements of his past, this is becoming an awful lot of work for me..... Any advice on these latest developments would be greatly appreciated!

I think that if you consider webcam cybersex cheating, then it is. That's why it's so important to have conversations regarding the definition of "cheating" in a relationship with your SO in this day and age. People have vastly different barriers as to what they are comfortable with. You might consider trying to find out if this is a public webcam on that site - ie, any user can access it, or if it is just the two of them "conversing" in private. It's hard, but I'd suggest that you talk to him more about it and define what is OK with you. For eg, maybe internet porn is fine with you but one on one communications in the cybersex genre are not. Take it as an opportunity to have a heart to heart. As to whether he is lying, this does sound like a flimsy excuse but it could be true. The only way you'll know is if he is willing to open up about it. If he is unwilling to have a rational dialogue about something that obviously hurts you so much, that seems like a bigger problem than any of the above. Good luck!

Well it sounds like (a) you need to cool off and think about what you are going to say, (b) decide what you want from the conversation, ie, what could she say to make you feel better, if anything?, and © consider whether it's worth your time to be in an on and off relationship that is this stormy. Some people are addicted to drama and gravitate toward relationships that will fuel that - are you that way? Is she? You could probably be playing the field with people who make you feel good about yourself and don't cause you so much stress. Relationship partners should be supportive and consistent in their treatment of you so that when problems arise (which they always will to some degree), you know that they will handle them with maturity and respect. It does not sound from these posts that this woman is behaving that way. Good luck with it; it sounds very frustrating!

I agree that you shouldn't ask for the drawing back. It was a gift. It might also appear that you are looking for a reason to re-contact him if you ask for it back, which will be perceived as a sign of weakness and the best thing you can do in this situation is appear strong until you actually feel strong. He's been insensitive prior to and after the breakup. Your best response to him is silence. Detatching from contact will make him wonder what happened to YOU vs. the other way around, and that's a better position for you to be in. Do something nice for yourself, and good luck!!

Thanks all! To answer, it makes me think differently of him bc one of the girls is really not a "catch," & she's also slept with a bunch of other people we know, so she's clearly not that discerning. I also don't like the incestuous nature of his friend group that I'm learning about. I've been with others in the past too, but think it's complicated to hook up with multiple friends in the same group; not something I'd do!! I did speak with him about it at length and he got why I was upset about the non-disclosure when I was hanging out with these girls (and the fact that they have gone out of their way to befriend me, which now makes me a little suspicious). He apologized and told me that he'd tell me about anyone else in the future if this sort of issue arose. And I agree re: his actions. He is showing and telling me that he wants to be with me. I also do not want to punish myself by leaving someone with whom I have such a great connection bc of things that happened years ago. It's just hard and I guess it will take more time for me to get used to this new information....

So my boyfriend has a promiscuous past but has matured and is wonderful to me, does not cheat on me, etc. We have been dating for more than 2 years and I recently asked him whether he had ever been with any of his female friends (who I also hang out with). I asked only because one of them was flirting with him ridiculously while drunk at a party, and it made me wonder...as it turns out, he has slept with at least 3 of his female friends and dated one of them. He says that these all occurred at least 2 years before he met me. I was hurt primarily because he didn't tell me that he'd slept with women who I have been in social situations with, and who have been friendly with me, for the last 2+ years. He stated that it never came up and wasn't something that he wanted to volunteer since he is only interested in being with me. He understood that the woman who was drunkenly hitting on him needs to receive clear boundaries from him (which he did that night as well)....my question is, though, am I right to be incredibly upset over the fact that he didn't tell me about them? It changes my image of him, and I don't think it was fair of him to withhold that information for so long. It should have come up!! I've accepted his apology (externally) but internally this is tearing me up and I'm not sure if it is a dump-able offense. Any advice is greatly appreciated!!