rosie76

I'm currently friends with my ex because we have a rare connection - but I'd be lying if I said that didn't often spill over into thoughts of being back with him and I know it's sometimes true for him as well. Doesn't mean it will happen though - I think sometimes people can get to a point where they realize that side of things can't work out even though the feeling of wanting to try it never completely goes away. But our connection on a personal level beyond all the boy/girl stuff is so astounding that I'm sure we'll know each other all our lives. In general, I've usually been on friendly terms with all of my exes, but regular contact usually petered out when whichever one felt less stopped wanting to get back together. But I've had relationships with people who were friends with their exes in more real ways. I didn't feel insecure about this because they were clear about the fact that the exes would always be an important part of their lives but would never encroach on the part that should be only mine. If your boyfriend can't make this equally clear to you, I'd get out of the situation.

Unusual situation here, but am about 15 days into NC with my most recent ex - we'll have been broken up a month. I'm doing ok with this - the more time passes the more unreal the relationship seems and though I don't want to see him around town and still think of him daily while out and about, I'm feeling ok that we split when we did. The unusual bit comes in that I've just tried to sign off on talking to an ex from years ago who I had been getting to know again. Don't want to go into the story here as I think I know what's best here, but would be useful for me to put myself on a 'don't touch this situation' challenge w.r.t. him as well, so please sign me up for day 1 on ex 2.

Staying Positive, Waking too early is a common symptom of depression. I'm not saying that you're clinically depressed, just that this is something the body does when sad for some reason, and it's a well known thing. Can't imagine why this is, as the last thing that's good for you when you're sad is to have several hours lying around each morning thinking about things. Anyway, it happens to me, too. Only advice is that you can try taking a sleeping pill to get 8 hours, but these often make you feel hungover the next day and it's not good to get addicted to them. Sometimes using them for a few nights can get you back to a normal rhythm, though. Otherwise, I've found it useful to use the time if I'm going to be awake anyway, to keep yourself from thinking about what's upsetting you. Go for some exercise if you can manage - it will tire you out and you'll feel good about accomplishing that one extra thing in the day. If you can't manage, at least get up and read a book, drink some tea, etc. Anyway, like all the rest of it, it will pass in time. Hope you feel better soon.

It's day 10 since I've contacted my ex, and day 8 since he's contacted me (late response). He's still in my mind every day, but not all day which is an improvement. Have health and jobs struggles at the moment, which are both keeping me occupied and making me feel down. Am trying not to slip into retreat and hibernate mode as I'd like to and instead to deal with them in positive, active ways. It's a real challenge, though, almost all the time now. I've no urge to contact my ex, though, as he'd not have been a support to me anyway. In a way, I'm glad he's out of the way, as it would have made me feel inadequate to be ill and upset about work around him. When I realize this, I see how not-right things were between us in the ways that count, despite how fond I felt at the time, and this does actually help. I wonder if after a month of NC my memories of him will be all ludicrously skewed toward the negative, when in fact he did me no wrong at all and was as caring and honest as he was capable of. Hope this isn't the case, as I've promised to be his friend when I can be and I would probably like him in my life in that way once I feel nothing more for him romantically. Worrying about me first of all, though, so this is something to deal with in a month or two. Iarra: I'll say it again: you've got my sympathy on the whole working with the ex thing. This sort of thing would make each day a minefield of where-is-he-now and what-will-he-do and all of it. It's impressive that you can have a clear head about things in a day to day way, and its natural that you've not yet let go mentally. I reckon it's healthy to miss an ex and have some hope for a reconciliation in the first few weeks or months after a long-term relationship ends, so long as it's not getting in the way of you accepting the situation as it is and moving on. Which it's not for you - you're really doing great. Hope this continues for you.

day 6, i guess. really struggling with the combination of being ill, having to make job decisions, and missing being with him. know logically it's for the best he's gone, but somehow all the emotion of being ill and having to make big decisions gets played out in my mind in terms of the lost relationship. i'm not feeling the urge to contact him, but can't keep this out of my head for long and find myself playing through scenarios where he'll try to be in touch with me - which he won't - or where i'll bump into him - which i almost certainly will sooner or later. that he's still ruling my thoughts makes the lack of contact seem pointless. i know it's early days, but i want to be able to wake up without thinking of this - it's been two weeks and the break was for the best. want to feel strong and cope with this well, but feel overwhelmed. know i should really direct the energy i do have to staying positive and active with my disease and making job decisions / applications. knowing this and still not managing to put this well-ended ex-relationship out of my mind is really frustrating. know that in a year what i do and don't do w.r.t jobs and illness will matter to me and this boy will not, but i can't make myself settle down. could be the jobs / illness bits are just scarier, so the break up's 'easier' to dwell on. more likely feelings of impotence about being ill and being forced to chose between a familiar career and a familiar city just compounds the usual confidence hit of a broken relationship and makes it harder to stay strong. at any rate, if anyone's come accross any good ways of ridding the mind of unwanted ruminations, please let me know.

Day 4 - still no contact. Dealing with a newly-diagnosed life-long possibly dibilitating illness and a choice about where to live / whether to switch careers in the next six weeks as well as the break up so am feeling overwhelmed. Have good support from friends once I get up and out, but mornings are very hard waking up way to early and missing the comfort of having him next to me. For me, it's helped to remember that he was no good at providing support while we were together, as he was too focused on his own issues and not as caring toward me as he should have been. What I'm missing so badly this mornings is the boyfriend he should have been and not actually him. Out to dinner with a friend last night and the restaurant played the entirety of an obscure early 80s album which was the soundtrack of our relationship. It was bizarre. What are the chances? Was very glad I'd deleted all his messages and contact info from my phone, as I would have cracked to mention that to him.

Day 1: Ok, I'm in. Only a 5 month relationship, warmest possible break-up (had great times and both felt a lot, but he had doubts). and I know it's for the best it's over, but have a lot of major stresses going on right now and am feeling rotten. Will be much better if I'm not in touch with him until I feel stronger in myself. Have deleted number on my phone. It's just email now, and I'll come here if the urge hits.

I don't know how this is done, but I'm having the same trouble. As soon as things seem particularly good with the fellow I'm seeing now, I just want to pack my marbles and go home. There's no way around it - starting to see someone romantically is a gamble for both parties. I'm trying hard not to assume anything and actually focus on what he's like rather than on what I'm feeling. Very tricky in practice though. I've told him a bit about my feelings, but don't want to say too much for fear of that in itself making things too heavy too soon. Good luck, and let me know if you find anything that works.

I'm wondering about little lies myself at the moment. Of the sort someone tells when one doesn't want to see you - for personal reasons - but doesn't want to hurt your feelings or engage in a larger discussion because of it. Been seeing a guy for just over a month with lots of contact and warm times. He told me he was sleeping when I rang his bell, but later told me he was home but just really down and didn't want me to see him like that. It's reasonable, I guess, as many women wouldn't like to hear 'I don't want to see you right now.' I'm not fussed about that _at all_, but hate that he was deliberately ignoring me and then later said he was sleeping. Casual dishonesty bothers me as it makes me doubt how genuine he is about anything. Is this an overreaction? In response to OP, lying to you to save your feelings may not be a bad thing, but telling his true negative opinions to others definitely is. Get rid of him!

You have my sympathy for going through something so rotten and my respect for doing it with so much dignity. Best of luck staying strong with this. If it helps at all, remember the person you will be missing so painfully is NOT the person he is. You didn't fall in love with someone who would cheat on you. Mourn the loss of the relationship but remember that he himself, at this point, deserves nothing from you but your disdain. Good luck.

That's a really positive way to think about it, and probably largely true. Might apply better to longer running relationship spookiness, though, as I think I might be in the bit which requires confidence and hope rather than decision-making. I'm only at the very very earliest stages of knowing this guy. Several weeks in and at that first transition from just spending lots of time with someone new to beginning to be fond of him. As soon as I started thinking I might like him, I started feeling strongly that I want to cut my losses even though there's no indication whatsoever that there are any losses to cut. It's really too early for it to be reasonable for me to feel scared. It's unlike me, and think it's just down to a lack of confidence after several years of being in a really hurtful relationship. I'd most like to know how to get my feelings under control so it doesn't effect what is essentially a very nice thing with this guy.

Yep. And no matter how much you want the perks of having someone, that really isn't fair on her. Think how you would feel if you were genuinely in love with someone and found out they were with you for the sex and the apartment. Do you complain about her to your friends as well, or are you just letting it all out here? I hear you about intellectual imcompatibility, as this is something I've run into as well, but in my experience you know very VERY soon if someone isn't clever enough for you in the ways that matter to you. I still can't work out why, if you can think of nothing you like about her and you can think of so much you dislike, there is even a question in your mind about continuing the relationship.

You say you love her; what do you like about her? It seems quite fast to move in with someone after six months and reading what you say about having been single for a long time it occurs to me that you may have rushed in to the first thing that came along. In addition to the frustrations you list, staying with her in this case is not fair on her. No one deserves to be settled for by the people they love. Have you tried communicating any of your grievances to her? If not, that's not fair either - if you're resenting how she acts around your friends, things around the house, etc., she shouldn't be allowed to believe, incorrectly, that you're happy. Her depression / possibly suicidal response is another story and one you should deal with carefully, but first priority at the moment is to be honest with both yourself and her about why you're in the relationship to begin with.

Cheers, Caro. Do think a wee bit less time together might be in order just to have the time to not think about what is or isn't happening. Is frustrating being aware that I'm feeling/making problems where there are none due to insecurity but still being unable to stop it. Nice to know things have worked out well for you despite intial spookiness. Did you talk to your husband about it, or just keep quiet until it all seemed less spooky?

Anyone have any good tips on dealing with getting spooked by starting to fall for someone? Having a great time the last few weeks, but the more I'm sure I like him the more vulnerable I feel and with that my confidence wanes making me feel more vulnerable still... and repeat until done. We've had a clear-headed talk and I think we're both on the same page of really enjoying the time, trying not to expect too much, and feeling a bit vulnerable about it due to past experience. That should reassure me, but instead I find myself wanting to pack my marbles and go home. Any advice?