stunned

Hi standingby, Thanks for asking about Christmas plans. I won't be traveling, but I will celebrate both here on ENA and, for part of the day, with a new friend and her husband. I met the new friend in the new not-for-profit that I joined after the ex left. She knew I was alone so she and her husband invited me to lunch at their home. (They lost their only child around 10 years ago so they reach out to people whom they know would be alone as well as some of their close friends and have an annual Christmas luncheon.) I plan to join in the Christmas festivities thread on ENA both before and after going to this Christmas luncheon. We're still getting snow--we also got the terrible winds that hit the Pacific coastline (Washington, Oregon, and B.C.). We've had periodic power outages and I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that it doesn't go out again. This is one wicked winter. I'm going to check with the local hardware store next week to see who they recommend for lawn tractor repair. Maybe if I can get it fixed the snow will stop. A road trip sounds nice, but it will probably have to wait until early March. I do plan to go somewhere before the summer driving season begins and gasoline prices start climbing rapidly. Maybe the Oregon coast, it would be lovely. I did have a great day yesterday. One of the charities that I volunteer for had their Christmas celebration for the local retirement home. The residents were so wonderful and so appreciative of the company, even if they'd never met you before. Makes you put your issues in perspective. I'm really fortunate. I will hopefully get to know many of the residents as friends because we host a monthly get together for them. I hope anyone who cannot be with family or friends on Christmas will join us at ENA. No one needs to be alone. We'll all celebrate together!

Claire, I feel for you. My relationship with my ex lasted 7 years (longer if you count our courtship before she moved in). Liike you, I'm seeing a therapist (mine's online given where I live and the weather this time of year). Like you, my therapist is dragging up unhappy memories of my childhoold--nasty child custody fights between my parents, etc. However, my therapist is also stressing positive thinking and a greater focus on myself, my needs, my desires to the exclusion of thoughts on my ex and our former relationship. My ex left in secret. I was in total panic mode the first 3 days after she departed. I was so depressed, I knew I needed help and I'm glad I've found a therapist. You realize that too, down deep you want to heal. Positive thinking and deliberately putting memories of my ex and our times together out of my mind help me tremendously. Staying active also helps. Granted, you cannot stay busy 24 hours a day. I still have sad times. Yesterday was the 1-month mark of my ex's departure and I did think of her and get sad. Fortuantely, I made myself get out of the house and that helped. I guess what I'm saying is that you have the ability to make yourself feel better. It's not easy, but try not to think of your ex and your relationship with her. Think positive thoughts. Volunteer to help a local charity during the 2 weeks you're off. Helping others is a wonderful high. Hang in there Claire. Don't do anything drastic like driving recklessly. You're young and have so much to live for. Live life well--it's the best revenge. (Although my advice would be not to dwell on anger or negative emotions, just like you need to put all thoughts and memories of your ex and your relationship with her out of your mind until you're completely healed.) You're not alone, Claire. You've got friends here who will help you get through this. Just don't give up.

Eli Go NC, don't let your depression control you and cause you to to in to a tailspin. Focus on yourself and the new job. Stay active. You may not have a lot of money right now, but there are things that you can do that won't cost money. Volunteering for a local charity will help your new community and make you feel goo, too. You can make friends volunteering, not just at the bar. In short--get out and enjoy life.

Thanks standingby. I think that it helped tremendously that I found this site early on after my breakup and that I also sought some professional help. Since my old friends and extended family are nowhere near where I live now, ENA and the professional help that I'm getting are so critical. I have casual friends in this new community, but I don't have long established friendships like I had when I worked back east. It's one of the hazards of moving away when you retire. I cannot really talk to people here that much about my ex and the breakup because they really don't want to hear about it. (I do talk to family and old friends but I don't want to dominate conversations with them with breakup news.) Actually, I'm finding that I do better if I don't think of the breakup or my ex. I'm really focusing on me now (and my 4-footed kids). I will be happier once the winter weather is gone. It's keeping me from being as active as I would like, and I think keeping active is extremely important for me. (We got another 4 inches of snow overnight and have snow in the daily forecast through Christmas, ugh.) I also think it's extremely important to keep a positive attitude, even if you have to force it. I know that inevitably there will be bad days when sadness creeps back in, but I think it's important to try to make yourself think positively. One of the things I'm going to do in early January is start redecorating some of the rooms in the house so I don't see as much of the ex in each of them. (We redecorated together when I bought the house.) I found a new comforter, curtains and paint color for the master bedroom. I'm still looking for area rugs for it. I won't repaint the den, but I'm going to rearrange all the furniture. I figure inside activities are safe this time of year and I've got plenty to keep me busy. I do have volunteer work to help, too. I hope all those who are hurting from a breakup will soon see the light at the end of the tunnel. Those in this forum have a great source of support. I hope others who are hurting and have not found ENA will find it soon. Everyone here is so supportive and helpful. I want to say Thank You to all the forum members. You're all great!

Great, the more the merrier. I plan on stopping by throughout the day. I will out of the house for a bit, but I promise to get some digital photos of lovely mountains while I'm out and post them online when I get back home. This could be quite a long celebration since we have members in so many different time zones. Hang in there everyone. We'll get through these stressful times together. Hopefully, we'll have some fun, chuckles and laughs while helping each other. Remember, no one needs to be alone on Christmas Day. Come here to ENA and party with us. Strawberries, sorry about your sister. I hope your concentraton returns soon. Even though it was long ago, I remember studying for exams and you certainly don't need to be distracted by thoughts of your ex and/or the breakup. Good luck hitting the books.

Time for us to organize an online Christmas party! Drinking when one's sad isn't good, nor is dwelling on losses. I say that anyone who is lonely during the day (and it will probably include most of us) should come to ENA and post. Lots of off topic, humorous posts would be great to lift the spirits. Let's try and keep each others spirits up! Come on, guys. We can see the positive in this. We have a whole online group of friends that we can reach out to and with whom we can spend part of the day. I for one will come to ENA throughout the day. Heck, I'll even take my digital camera on my trip to the new friend's house and take some photos of the snow-covered mountains here and then post them when I get back home and online. We can all share various parts of our day. What do you say?

The holidays can be bad at the best of times. When you're been through a traumatic loss, like a breakup, they stink. I think we'll all be glad when it's Jan. 2, 2007. For those who may not be able to be with their families in person, I hope you can reach out to family by phone or email. [i did stumble accross this site that will let you make a free 5 minute phone call; I tried it and it does work (put your # and the # you want to call in the boxes under "Make a free trial call"--use international dialing format--00+1+area code+7-digit phone number), but it may be swamped on Christmas Day. I thought I'd post it for those who can't be with their families in person. [i]link removed ][/i]

Frogglet, I'm glad you're focusing on yourself and in NC. Your ex's actions show that he's not worthy of you. If he treated you the way he did after 7 years you're better off without him. Continue to stay busy and fill your life with things and people you enjoy. At some point, you'll know you've healed and, hopefully you'll find someone who loves you and treats you the way you deserve to be. Most importantly, if you feel blue, come here and post. This is a great resource for anyone going through a breakup. We'll all get through this together.

Jules, I'm so happy for you! You're taking good care of yourself and your psyche and moving on with your life. It's what we're all striving to do. I think it is normal to be a bit anxious as you start to see other people again. There's some truth to the old saying "Once burned, twice shy." Anytime our trust is shaken by someone we loved, it takes us longer to offer it to another. I'm still in the early healing phases, tomorrow is the one month marker for me since the ex left. The best thing I did for myself was sign up for online counseling with a therapist fairly early on. Even though I'm feeling much better, I don't think I'll be dating anytime in the near future. Once I feel that I've healed enough and am in the proper mindset to date again, I think trust will be one of my major issues. In fact, it's an issue that I want my therapist to work on with me. Keep moving forward with your life and keep posting here. It's wonderful to hear how people are moving on with their lives and provides inspiration to the rest of us.

ebsmith1, I don't think most people, even the ones who walked away from relationships, pretend the other person in the relationship never existed. Rather, I think we all push memories of the other person to the back of our minds to focus on ourselves and healing from loss. Once we feel emotionally strong enough, we may allow ourselves to think of our ex partners, sometimes fondly, sometimes less fondly. Some may actually be able to establish a friendships with their exs. (More power to them, if they can do that.) I'm glad you're healing so well. Just keep focusing on taking care of yourself. Hopefully, you won't have anymore encouters with him. In retrospect, it's probably good that the relationship terminated before you were married. As stressful and painful as breakups are, divorces can be even worse, emotionally and financially.

Thanks pacopaco and Orlander. I agree that severing all ties will help me finish healing. At this point, I don't even see a future friendship with my ex, but I realize that could change with time. My ex was friendly with the 30-something daughter of friends. That woman had volunteered to store my ex's things when the ex first left. I had said no, but now I plan on contacting her and telling her that I've changed my mind and that I'll bring all of the ex's things out to her. (When my ex first left, I had thought I wanted the ex to know she'd have to face me to get her things. Now my feelings are so different. I just don't want any future contact.)

It's been 3 weeks since my ex left. I had broken NC on the US Thanksgiving holiday and emailed her, but hadn't heard from her. Yesterday, she phoned. It was awkward at best. I didn't say alot since I am in an angry phase right now and didn't want to say something that I would regret later, plus I'm still ill and coughing constantly. (I'll be glad when I get rid of this bronchitis, it's driving me nuts and keeping me from getting more than a couple of hours sleep.) I did ask if she was going to be able to pick up her things in the spring, which triggered her to ask whether I was going to sell the house. She didn't make any commitments to picking up her stuff or returning my keys. It almost seemed like she wants to leave everything here as a security blanket. I don't know if that means things are very tense where she's at now. Our conversation didn't last very long because of my coughing fits. I definitely feel that there's nothing left to rescue in our relationship. She didn't express any remorse in the way she left without talking to me and was emotionally distant. I don't think I could ever trust her again. It does irritate me that she may not want to sever absolutely all ties with me because she needs a security blanket. I plan to stay in NC. What amazes me is how much my feelings towards her have changed over the past 3 weeks. I was so devistated when she left and just wanted her back; now, I'm angry and don't think I could ever trust her again or live with her.

Claire, I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I feel and share your pain. [This week marked the 3rd week since my ex gf left. We had lived together almost 7 years and had been in a relationship almost 7 1/2 years. My ex left because her oldest daugher (a 40-something) asked her to come be a live-in babysiter for that daugher's grandchild. (Long story in my first post--ex's family has some real problems.) My ex didn't even have the courage to tell me what she was going to do, she just left in secret.] You're taking the right steps to begin healing. Counseling will help--I'm taking a therapist-led online course on eliminating depression since I'm in a rural mountainous area and can't get to a therapist, in person this time of year. Laboheme is right. Throw yourself in to life. Get involved in as many activities as you can. Staying busy will help minimize the amount of time you may dwell on your loss. Try not to think about your ex, rather focus on your needs and healing yourself. With all that said, you're still going to have ups and downs and shed tears. Come here when you're down. We all understand what you're going through and will try to help you through the bad days. The holidays are stressful at the best of time and this year they'll be absolutely horrible for many of us. Spend them with friends and family. Try to minimize the amount of time you spend alone and might think about the ex. I actually cried today after I was invited over to a new friend's house on Christmas Day. This thoughtful person is one of the people I met in a new not-for-profit group I joined after my ex left. Knowing I was alone, she and her husband decided to invite me to their celebration. I had thought I'd just be spending the day with my 4-footed kids since my extended family and long-time friends are thousands of miles away. Now at least I'll be with people for a several hours. It will definitely make the day more enjoyable. Hang in there Claire. Things will begin to get better. Just remember that you're not alone.

The relationship with my ex, if you count courtship, was 7 1/2 years; we lived together almost 7 years. Yesterday marked the 3rd week since she slipped out in secret to go live with one of her grown daughers. (Details are in my first post.) I've had one limited phone conversation with her the day after she arrived at her destination. I broke NC on the US Thanksgiving holiday and emailed her, but she didn't respond. She didn't even try to contact me on my birthday last week, which was a bummer but to be expected, I guess. The first week I was among the walking wounded and could only worry about and think of her. I was getting so low (we moved farther west than I wanted to when I retired because she wanted to be within 1 1/2 days drive of her grown children; now I'm thousands of miles from my extended family and old friends) I thought I'd lose my mind. Fortunately, I realized that I had to stop worrying about her and start to take care of myself. I'm now in an online, therapist-led course on eliminating depression. (I chose online because I'm in a rural area of the far northern US Rockies and, given our weather, cannot commit to traveling to a therapist this time of year.) I'm also trying to stay busy with various activites; however, that has been set back this past week because I have a case of bronchitis that just isn't going away and no one wants me around because I've still got a hacking cough. The course and counseling is helping. I'm now in an angry phase. I'm not obsessively angry, but when I think about what my ex did I cannot justify it. I thought we were life partners and shared my home, assets and life with my ex, only to have her leave at the request of one of her grown children, without talking to me. (We had even spoken of marriage, but she wasn't anxious to rush in to it since she'd been married several times before.) Now, she doesn't want to talk so I don't know what else motivated her to leave. I have an awful feeling that once I retired and we moved that she got sick of me being around and as well as being on a budget. (She was having a good time before I retired; she wasn't working and had all day to shop, play and generally do what she liked.) Two things that really irritate me is that she left most of her things here with me and took keys to the house, shop, my vehicle and the RV. I now have to deal with packing everything. I'm also going to have to change all the locks. (Not sure what to do about the locks on my vehicle and the RV.) I don't know if she took the keys as a security blanket, thinking she can come back here once things deteriorate where she's at. (She and the son-in-law with whom she's living have a volitile relationship at best and have had several major fights that have resulted in no contact for a year or more.) Anyway, I don't plan on being taken advantage of anymore. Once I pack up her things, I may well give them to friends whose 30-something daugher is friendly with my ex. Initially, I had thought I wouldn't because I wanted my ex to have to face me combined with the fact that there's a packrat infestation in their garage where her things would be stored. Now I don't care. I have no idea how I'll feel next week. I know I'll have down days periodically. I clearly know now that I'm not a great judge of character. I'll be much more cautious in future relationships. I don't see myself ever wanting to be friends with my ex, although I guess that could change. I really think that I'll never see her or hear from her again.

Picese_Princess, I'm glad you found this forum but am sorry that you're in such pain. At the best of times a breakup is awful, but with the vacillating between an on again, off again relationship that's going on it must be much worse for you. Maybe a short period of NC might help you and your bf to gain some perspective on your relationship and issues you might have. You both definitely need to make a decision about which way the relationship is going. How receptive would you and your bf be to getting some couples counseling? It might be easier to discuss your issues in a setting where a third party is present and able to facilitate your discussions. You certainly have been through a lot over this past year. You need to be good to yourself. Reach out to your friends and your mother. (Although you and your mother may have had some disagreements, she's always going to love you.) Keep coming here and posting. This is a great support tool. Remember, you're not alone.