maladjusted

i know what you are thinking, "wow if she is lying about little things what else is she lying about". it is hard to have trust if someone isn't giving you a reason to trust them especially if they are lying about dumb things. i think you need to sit your girlfriend down and explain to her that her lying is affecting you and more importantly yalls relationship. if she can't see this then i think yall have bigger issues. also, i know how you can start checking on someone when they lie since you do not want to be taken advantage of or made a fool. good luck!

as zip said, women are just as guilty as men. i was with my ex for a year and a half and she was the one who took me for granted. i did a lot for her and finally got tired of getting nothing in return so i broke up with her. she then wanted me back and said she would work on some things to only go back to her old ways so yes i broke up with her again. so complacency works in both genders and not just men. i guess it all comes down to the person and what they are willing to give and have an appreciation for their partner.

blender thanks for the reply and your right in all of your points. i agree with your assessment with our values being different. i even told her that maybe they should date seeing how they both didn't see anything wrong with him sending her flowers and they seem to have this great friendship. anyway, i think we both are needing time away from each other and with your help it looks like i have a lot of tough questions i need to answer. thanks for giving me a different perspective.

okay after reading my post it sounds like we both have been acting pretty childish and been playing petty games. anyway, just glad i was able to post this and read what i wrote so i could see how silly we both have been acting.

In advance sorry this is so long: I was hoping to get you good peoples advice on my situation. I have posted before so you can look at my previous threads if you need a little history. WEll last November my ex came to me saying she needed space (cause she had just gotten out of a divorce) so I gave it to her. She came back to me and said she wanted to work things out but has been very distant. We worked out some issues and one of hers was that she did not want to talk all the time like we used to and to take it slow. I agreed and have been letting her make most of the contact. Jumping to Valentines Day. I am working on my masters and have a long day of class on Wednesday's which is the day valentines fell on this year. I told her I was going to school but at the last minute decided to miss and spend time with her so I picked up some food and went to her apartment and hung out, watched tv, and talked. She has a male friend who she has been friends for a while so I asked her if he had sent her anything this year. He sent her a cookie last year so I knew he probably sent her something for V-day. She hesitated, stumbled on her words and then she finally spit it out that he had sent her flowers. I actually wasn't that upset because I knew he would. Side note: he is married but having problems, serving in Iraq, and I know he likes her. Anyway, I was not mad at that moment so I told her so it got late and I left. On my way home I started thinking about it and really got upset cause I just feel it is wrong for a married guy to be sending some other lady flowers for any reason. So on my way home she called to say I left something but I ignored her call and basically thought about the situation. The next morning she called me and asked why I had not answered my phone and I told her I was annoyed and we proceeded to get into a big fight about the flowers he had sent her. I told her I didn't have a problem with them being friends but I know he likes her and to me that is different. I have friends that are girls but don't send them anything. So she tells me that the last time they talked she had told him that we had broken up so he probably didn't want her not to get anything for V-day so he sent them. She has told him before that they are just friends but he keeps doing this stuff so I was pretty upset. Needless to say we have been fighting alot lately. Sorry this is long but I am getting to the conclusion: So this past weekend I had my kids which I get once a month since they live out of town. So my ex and I had agreed earlier in the week that we would hang out on Sunday after I drop my kids off at the airport. So on Saturday my ex phones me and remember she doesn't want to talk all the time and I have been letting her initiate most of the contact so I don't feel like I am smother her. She was on her way to a friends and I told her what I had been doing with my kids and the conversation is pleasant and we hang up with me making sure we were still good for Sunday. Sunday: I wake up and get my kids breakfast and hang out with them. I do laundry, try studying and do some homework in between, and by the time you know it time as flown and I have to take them to the airport. I am looking forward to hanging out with my ex since I had not seen her in a while so I drop them my kids off at the airport around 6 pm and proceed to head to my ex's since we had plans. I call her but she doesn't answer so I decide to head back to my place. I call her a few more times but still no answer. So around 9 I start to get worried and go over to her place. I can hear the tv on and know she is home so I knock on the door. She doesn't answer and her dogs are going crazy barking. I knock somemore but still nothing so I call her and again no answer. I hang up and she is now calling me. I ask her if she is okay and that I was worried about her since she has not returned my calls and she says that she is annoyed with me since I had not called her all day and only called her on my way over from the airport. I tell her that she knew I had my kids and that I was busy with them. I ask her to let me in so we could talk about it and she says no that she doesn't want to see me. She also tells me that this situation is no different than me not answering her when she called on V-day when I was upset about the flower thing. I told her it was different in that we had plans and she just outright ignored me and had me worried. Pissed off by getting the silent treatment and filled with frustration from all of our prior drama I tell her to stop acting childish, selfish, and I would do her a favor and she wouldn't have to see me again in that I was done with this junior high relationship. We are both in our mid 30's. I feel there might have been something else going on and she just used me not calling as an excuse but I am not positive. Plus I sometimes have a problem reacting to situations because I get very emotional in the heat of battle so my questions to you wise people is who is more wrong? How would yall have reacted getting the silent treatment? Do you think her reason is valid? Thanks for taking the time to read!

blue i felt the same way you do with my ex. yes i said my ex because i got tired of being last on her priority list and like your bf she hardly emailed or phoned. i started getting the feeling i was only needed when she didn't have anything else to do or nothing better was going on. i think BeStrong is right when she said "it sounds like he just wants a woman to hook up with now and again to meet his sexual needs, and he is getting is emotional/friendship/leisure/excitement needs met by buddies and hobbies etc.". after thinking about my situation i started to feel like i was her little toy to bring out when she felt like playing but put back in the closet when she was done. i think if she wasn't willing to put forth effort to make me happy and try to compromise then i was better off on my own. i had to fit in her schedule which i found very unacceptable. i started to think how the few emails and the few scheduled hours on the weekend with her were not worth my time. i was basically on my own anyway unless she would find time to hang out. anyway, long and short of it is that i deserve someone who is going to give me what i give them and i am not settling for less. so with that i broke up with her and to tell you the truth i feel like i am gaining me again and able to breath. my advice to you is to think if this is worth all your worry and misery. i feel one shouldn't have to fight for their partners attention. in the end it is your happiness that matters.

I suggest reading: Men, Women and Relationships: Making Peace with the Opposite Sex by John Gray. It gives good insight into the differences between men and women and how we deal with stress and pressure differently.

it is okay to mix the two. in fact that is what i do after every workout. it helps with the post recovery phase of your workout. if you use creatine a lot make sure you cycle off and on.

i just went through exactly what you are talking about. i felt i was giving so much to the relationship while my ex was contributing nothing. i finally got to the point where i was just tired of trying and not seeing anything in return. i know she has issues and i think i was allowing her issues to become mine which wasn't fair to me. how can i expect her to give me what i need when she doesn't even know what she wants. so i ended things with her to focus on myself and to get myself out of that unhappy situation. we can't make someone do what we want them to do but we can sure take control of ourselves and our situations. so as soon as i ended it i felt a big weight lift off since i no longer had to worry about us but only worry more about me. i think in order to stop caring less about the relationship you must start caring more about yourself. start taking more time for yourself. take care and hope this helps.

luna i posted something similar last night. here is the thread and maybe some helpulf information to help inform you of a rational decision. my ex and i were dating exclusively but she always mentioned maybe dating other people in the future and like you i do not want any part of that. i felt that day might be coming soon but the reason i ultimately ended it was due to all the rules she imposed on our relationship. plus i want more and she doesn't. i think laboheme is right in your situation in that he might want the benefits of a girlfriend without the commitment. i think that was also true with my ex. i felt i deserved better and decided to let her be so she can figure out what she wants in her life. i think it makes a big difference when you know the other person isn't there to be a crutch anymore. as for my ex she is on her own which she wanted but i think she had me around in case something better didn't come along. well i am better than that. sorry i went on a rant but good luck and make sure you are willing to abide by HIS rules when it comes to the relationship.

You are absolutely right Day Walker. I am abiding by her rules with her not wiling to bend at all. She has even told me she wants her cake and eat it to. I think inmates have more contact with the people they care about. I guess I just finally realized how selfish she is being and it is making me feel very resentful. She says she doesn't want to have any regrets before she gets back into a commited relationship but I think the only regret she is going to have it losing me. Thanks Day Walker for seeing my point of view.

Can someone please tell me what they think the definiton of casual dating is? My ex and I recently started dating again and according to her defintion we were casual dating although we agreed not to see anyone else during this time. I am not really sure what that means because she only wants to see each other maybe one night a week and we might exchange a few emails here and there during the week. We usually plan on seeing each other on a Friday or Saturday which usually entails dinner and maybe some drinks. I want more but she still wants her space and wants to be on her own so I was going along with this. After thinking about it I told her I felt everything was to planned out and didn't feel natural. She has no problem hanging out with her other friends but when it comes to me she keeps me at a distance. I confronted her about the situation and she said that if we talk to much or spend to much time together it blurs her line of vision since she wants to still have her freedom. We used to do alot of things together before we broke up the first time and now it is hard for me to slow down to this snails pace. I can see having her freedom but she doesn't suggest anything when it comes to us. Everything is pretty regimented (due to her). I usually ask her if she wants to do something or hang out. I also felt she was stringing me along because she feels comfortable with me and can't seem to make up her mind as to what she wants in life. She says she might want to date other guys later on but doesn't want to right now. Long story short I feel I deserve more than just a few hours on the weekend so I ended things with her since she was not willing to compromise. Everything seems to be all about her right now and I just feel I am not getting my needs met. Sorry if I got off the original topic but is what we were doing actually casual dating?

krnelson2 i am kind of in the same situation you are in. about a few weeks ago my ex and i started talking again. before that we hardly spoke or had any contact but it was good because it gave us a chance to look at ourselves and become independent again. we spent the new years weekend together and it was great. we talked about our relationship a little and i told her that i was not going to put pressure on her and for us to see what happens. i am in a little different situation in that we broke up because she had just gotten divorced and needed time to connect with herself again. in retrospect it was great because i was able to connect with myself again. so now i am approaching the relationship with a nonchalant attitude. i am not worrying about what is going to happen and i am just letting nature take its course. since i have found my independence i am no longer building my world around her but now building my world around me. if we happen to hang out or do something then that is fine but if we don't then that is fine to. so i guess what i am saying to you is take the contact as a good sign but don't push her to much. keep doing what you are doing and it will all work out in the end. just don't get back into your old ways and celebrate the new you. if you are worried about this other guy then i think you need to tell her how you feel. communication is important. but if she isn't willing to give you a 100% then i say keep working on yourself and maybe date a little so that you are not just focused on her. take you time, be patient, and don't push what nature has in store. hope some of this helps so good luck and keep taking care of yourself.

i agree with bun and lab in that you just need to give her space and time and start focusing on yourself. you need to step back from the situation and clear your head. right now you still have all those mixed feeling in your mind that is causing you to think about getting her back. once you give some time to yourself you will start to see clearly and tell yourself you are better off without her. at least you didn't move in with her or start working on a family yet because this might have happened later in the relationship when you would have grown more attached. i know it is hard to accept right now but sometimes things work out as a blessing. i guarantee if you look back at this in about 6 months or a year from now you will realize that. right now take care of yourself and your own needs.

rsx i think you are doing the right thing by moving on. i think the reasons you are getting different feelings is because of the way things ended. she lied to you so now i am sure you are probably thinking what else did she lie about or was our relationship basically a lie. keep doing what you are doing and you will be fine and like all the posts on here tell you it takes time. you still care for her but realize the relationship is over and still hurt from her dishonesty. as for her coming back, she might. you never know but you can't live with that on your mind. you are moving forward and i suggest you do that plus you said it probably wouldn't be a good thing if she did. stay in the single mode and take care of yourself so that you will be ready when the right girl does come along and shows you the appreciation and love you deserve. she will come but in the meantime keep focusing on you. stay strong and take care!