bleeding

This is a great post. I couldn't have said it better myself. Props.

You are doing exactly the right thing and in time, it will be clearer and clearer to you. I too, got out of an abusive 6+ year relationship. In the end, my life was starting to feel like hell on earth. NOTHING I did was ever good enough for him and NOTHING stopped his constant manipulation, lying, browbeating, putdowns, using, cheating etc. I could have been PERFECT and I think that he would find a way to mangle perfection itself. I cooked for this guy, cleaned for him, cleaned for his parents, helped his little brother with homework, took HIS college classes for him and got straight A's for HIM, bought him a GED book, tried to find him a job, encouraged him, comforted him, listened to his stories about being abused by his parents as a child, treated his dog nicely, got a cellphone so he could call me anytime, called him every night at the correct time as requested, spent a lot of money on him, gave him MY money, told him he looked good and that he wasn't fat (even though he is overweight), carried the groceries home, let him move in with me at my apartment, spent time with him ETC. What didn't I do?? In the end, it really wasn't a question of ME. It was always HIM. Him calling me crazy, calling me fat (btw, I am slim), calling me ugly, telling me no one would ever want me but him, calling me stupid, calling me b****, w****, accusing me of cheating, saying my cooking tasted bad, the water I boiled was funny, making me perform sexual acts that I didn't want to do, pinching me, shoving me, making me sleep with his arm under my neck, kicking me, yelling at me, berating me, isolating and tearing me away from my family and friends, gloating whenever I failed or got into serious trouble. I mean.....this guy was really sick. It took me a long time to even get to where I am now. To get MY life back. I thought he was my whole world but with him....I wasn't living. I was close to dying. Now I have everything back, all because I left his abusive, crazy-making, digusting, perverted person. I have never regretted it. In time, I think you will feel the same way.

As I've said before, I've been treated pretty badly by all sorts of people growing up. Some ppl tend to want to pick on those who seem lonelier, more isolated, weaker, or less well-groomed, I think in order to make themselves feel better. Well, it has gotten to the point that I carry these feelings of rejection, isolation, aloneness, fear, and despair even when I AM accepted. I tend to act like a little social outcast, shrinking into myself, ignoring people in group situations, telling myself I don't belong and that no one likes me, no one remembers me, no one wants to be around me, no one will be friends with me, I have no friends, I will never have any friends etc. ETC. It's taken me all these years to realize that, now it's ME who's rejecting myself firsthand before anyone else does. I think it must have started out as a subconscious way for me to protect myself from harm, but in effect it has now kept me isolated, feeling low self-worth, and unable to connect with even GOOD people. Sure, some people are just manipulative, deceiving users but I have a hard time in general even around people I think are nice or genuine. So it is really an internal problem. When people say hi to me, are friendly, give me gifts, I still send myself these negative messages and I have some strong fears that men are out to sexually abuse me. AHHHHHH! Will the feelings that hold me back and don't protect me ever go away? Just thought I would vent this all out for clarity and to help me speed up my healing process.

At my previous work, the cliques banded together to get everybody else fired in order to maintain the security of their own position. Ironically, they had a lot to say about how my work "sucked" and was terrible and made up all these rumors about me sleeping around (barf).....BUT I was not the one who was high like they were, I was not the one sleeping around, I was not the one trying to fire other ppl, I was not the one gossiping and talking trash about others behind their back, I was not the one with the ugly two-headed behavior.. It was quite hypocritical and just plain ugly.

Well, you're not the only one. I don't have any close friends right now either. I find it to be very ironic because I like to be close to others and I am usually very close to people or distant to them. I find it ironic that I have no one to really talk to when I love to talk. I find it ironic that I have so many interests and hobbies and yet I do not know people that share these interests. I find it ironic that I am social and loving and fun yet I do not have good friends. I have heard many platitudes such as "In order to have a friend, be a good friend." That is just ironic because I am a pretty good friend and person to others in general. Not because I have to but because that is who I am and how I was brought up. But I am tired of listening to baloney. I have been lied to, used, manipulated, mistreated, treated like trash too much. I find it ironic that I love to talk on the phone and I have good values yet I have been treated the way I have. Sometimes I wonder if the universe is trying to put me through an ordeal. Of course, part of the reason why I have NO friends was because I was in a viciously abusive relationship for 6-7+ years. He strove to keep me isolated and to cut off my ties with everyone, including my own family. Typical abuser, that is a big reason why I am alone today. It is not easy to heal from crazy abusive isolating men. Crap. This sucks. Not to say I am unhappy or anything but life could be a lot richer with real friends. I deserve to have good friends. I deserve to be an alpha not a beta, gamma, pi, zeta etc. I am the bird.....I'm a bird who's had her wings stomped on and broken and who is still trying to fly. But then, a BIG part of me does not think I am ready to have any friends. I tend to destroy relationships, I have some big barriers to letting anyone close, I have trust issues, I cannot trust. Most of the time, I have an urge to be alone and to withdraw. I do not like to go out these days. I am not completely ready but I do not know why. I do not understand this.

I never give up. There have been some uncomfortable and nasty times where I was doing very badly indeed. In fact, I looked like a homeless person. I was so completely messed up. I was also being viciously abused. My hair was everywhere. I was not groomed. I was not well. But I kept trying. Even the in the midst of intense depression and despair, I got back up on my feet to keep going.

It really goes beyond that. By nature I would say that I am a kind, caring, nurturing, warm, loving person. I like to have fun and I like interesting things. I also value people. But no more taking care of people who need help. No no no. I have been used many times. I have been manipulated and deceived by so-called friends who knew that I am a nice and good person and who used that to their advantage. I am tired of being used for money, for sex, for schoolwork, for laundry, for grades, for someone to listen to for problems ETC. I am tried of people who bail on me the second they get what they want or they second that I might possibly need or want something. No. No. No. I may have difficulty making real friends but I have no difficulty making enemies and attracting losers. They seem to be as plentiful as weeds. My problem goes beyond that.

This sucks. I never expected to have this problem growing up. But I did. I feel like my friendship making/understanding skills have been delayed for so long. I wonder if I will ever catch up. I wonder if I will ever be "normal" like other people. I wonder if I will be able to have normal friendships and to connect with others normally. At first, the problem wasn't me. I used to think I didn't have any friends because of my social skills. But then I talk pretty normal, sound pretty normal....I think I am pretty normal. Except I am smart but then I am not particularly nerdy or introverted or anything. It all started when I got bullied. I withdrew for a number of years. People labeled me with unwanted labels and reputations. I didn't deserve that. The problem wasn't me. Kids can be so cruel and it hurt a lot. I developed trust issues. I became shyer from being told to shut up and being told I was boring, uninteresting, fobby, any number of names etc. I began to withdraw more to protect myself, I became more unfriendly to protect myself from rejection and hurt. It became harder for me to see who I could trust and who I couldn't trust. Then the teen and young adult years cast their own problems which intertwined with socializing. It became harder to meet friends out of school and when you don't have a group to introduce you around. I became more and more uncomfortable around people automatically. I would start to stammer and stutter when I never did so before. I would cast myself automatically as a reject, outcase, I would act like I didn't belong and didn't fit in. I had started to OUTCAST my ownself. To victimize and put myself down before anyone else did. I was doing this internally without realizing it. After many many years, I had begun to do to myself, what was done to me. I was self-destructive. I was bitter, angry and blind. I did not understand what had happened. I had trouble saying the word "friend". I did not consider anyone a friend. I could not trust a person's intentions. I glossed over words like "friendship", "bond", "fun" because they were too painful and I told myself they didn't apply to me. The situation got to where I couldn't bond with anyone. The problem had become me. My internal issues became more and more significant. I was attracted to bad people. I surrounded myself with harmful and dangerous people who hurt me and hurt my trust even more and abused and used me. Even around people who might have been accepting or open or friendly, I was now a closed book. I had become someone I never set out to be. But it had happened. Right now....I'm learning to heal. Learning to take small steps. Learning to observe people. It has been a long road. I have difficulty making friends. I don't have difficulty making contact or making acquaintances but I can't seem to take it farther than that. I have the most difficulty with people who don't need my help, with people who are put together, smart, successful, pretty, well-groomed. I think they remind me of the "popular" kids at school who hurt me so long ago. I felt like I never grew out of that. Like I am still stuck in high school years and high school world as an adult. It's been painful but I'm ready to talk about it and share. That is a first step. To say what I couldn't say before. To face what I was in denial of. To be honest with myself about my troubles. To accept and to learn and overcome. If you have come through similar circumstances, feel free to share your experiences with me. I think people think this couldn't happen to them. I beg to differ. What happened to me could happen to anyone. I was perfectly normal as a young child, fun, engaging, interesting, I reached out to people. It was only after being bullied, teased, labeled, stigmatized, beat down, hurt, and rejected over and over, going to school in the wrong environments that I became like this. Overtime I developed behaviors and attitudes that led me down this path because I was even aware of conscious of it. I think this could happen to anyone.

Wahh. I relate to this. I hate how my good and kind feelings are manipulated.

Ladybugg, This sounds ALOT like something that happened to me too. I had a falling out with a guy about a year ago and I apologized at that time. But instead of calming down, he seemed to get very accusatory, blaming and I felt like he was attacking me. Then he said he had to go. After that, I would call him and he would NEVER pick up. I think he has caller ID because most everyone does so I could never make amends. I sent him e-mails, I called him, I IMED him. Nothing..... But the thing I couldn't figure out was, I didn't do anything that serious....in fact, I didn't even think I did anything wrong but I apologized because I didn't want to hurt HIS feelings. But for some reason I felt he totally turned it upon me and treated me like a criminal. In fact, I thought he had picked up something on purpose just so he could turn it on me. A few months later, I called him again. He was being mean. He said he had to go. But whenever I would call him, he would pick up. I thought....if he didn't really want to talk to me, he just wouldn't pick up because I know he has no problem doing that. He said that I could IM him or e-mail him. And I said..but you never respond and he goes "I don't?". And then, last time, he hung up on me saying "we'll talk later." It felt like he was giving me mixed messages. All in all, I think it was some kind of crappy game. The thing is....he used to be nice before. Act like he liked me, was looking out for me etc. Then in one day, he turned on me. It was scary and sad. I was so sad because I didn't WANT to believe that anyone could be like that. But apparently he is.

He's being sexually abused. If you check up what the signs of sexual molestation are on the internet, it says that kids who are being molested, often display inappropriate sexual behavior and sexual aggression. Also, molestors often indoctrinate children to molestation by first getting them used to pornography. This sounds very much like the warning signs of child molestation that I have read about. In fact, it fits it exactly.

My mom isn't capable of being anyone other than who she is. And that is really how she is...rather negative, pessimistic and invalidating. It drives me crazy sometimes. If I say "The weather is cold", she will tell me "No, it's not, it's hot." If I say "This tastes good", she will tell me "It doesn't taste good." Literally. It's so invalidating. But I don't think she means to. I don't even think she is very aware of it. But that is how she is. And it sure does a lot of damage. I carry a lot of self-doubt in my head even about the most basic things because I've grown up with these messages all my life. But the only way is to work through it. That is my only way.

I really relate to what you said here. I too am working on my life and myself one day at a time.

My mom was never validating to me either. It was/is very harmful for me to be around her because she can be so negative. My mom is an important part of my life, so all the negative messages she's told me about myself, I have ingrained and carry around with me. I start becoming self-abusive to myself and I look to men for validation. A prince charming to make me feel better and my problems to go away. Unfortunately, I have been abused by men as well. It seems I have always longed to have a mother I could be very close to. A mom who is warm, fuzzy, soft, caring, nurturing, positive, strengthening. Just as you say - validating. But my mom will never be that type of mother. We have a bond but it's not the kind of bond I am always seeking from others. How do you fix this?.....Talking about it, Opening up. I think it helps because I have not really been able to talk about this issue and I go through it too. My mom is normal, not crazy. But she is kind of cold and denies feelings and emotions. She doesn't mean to be this way. I think that is just how it is. But it still hurts for me as her child and I have suffered a lot not having parents to believe in me. I feel disloyal and ashamed to talk about her like this. But it is my truth. It is hard for me to talk about this. I hate going to her for a hug and getting pushed away. I don't like being told I am clingy when all I want is a little more love and comfort. I wish I had someone great to hug.

There is so much deep emotional pain inside of me. It creates barriers to me connecting with healthy, loving, caring people. The trauma and cycle of abuse started early for me when I was still a small child. I got viciously bullied and tried to help, comfort, protect myself but I was told it was my fault. I internalized these damaging and damning messages and judged myself. I created extreme beliefs inside of me in order to cope. Growing up I felt neglected, abandoned, unwanted, lonely, afraid, insecure and wanted desperately to be loved, accepted, to belong. But I denied these feelings, I told myself I was just fine. So I carried them with me for more than half my life, wherever I went. I was unable to connect with good people. As I grew older, I began to attract predatory, exploitative men. This was worse because these men were sexually abusive and harmful. I became a complete mess. Broken down inside. Afraid. Scared. Lonely. I felt out of control and helpless. I could not control how unacceptable people responded to me and I blamed myself. I am my own worst enemy - I hurt, destroy, maim, blame, guilt, regret, and negate myself everyday, every moment. I have learned to treat myself like garbage. Yesterday, with the therapist, I talked about friendship. I talked about friends, being accepted, belonging, being cared about, feeling valuable, loved, being in a group, having friendships, making new friends, feeling like I can have friends. I broke down and cried because it was such a deeply painful issue. It was so so painful, it touched and wounded the core of me, something that a big part of my identity is caught up in. After I came out of her office, I shook for two hours afterwards. I was so wound up. I have been through a lot. I have had to be incredibly strong. It was the first time I was able to open up to her about having friends, creating bonds, and feeling like I deserved to have friends. Even the word "friend" was hard for me to say. It was so hard. So painful. Right now, I am feeling the aftershocks about having opened up about this. It's hard when you've been told all these vicious messages about yourself growing up. I was told I was weird and unnormal. But I was really just a normal person with normal reactions to abnormal situations that was not in my control and power to get out of at the time. It took me time to understand this. I need a hug.