Okay, I'll try not to make this too long. Though I'm afraid it might be for some. Actually, it is going to be long. Hopefully you guys will stick with me.
But, I'm a bit concerned.
My fiance and I are planning on having a child.
Well, he already has a child, a 3 year old from a previous relationship. He and his estranged wife are due to go back to court to battle for custody. Both currently have supervised visitation, and my fiance's mother has temporary custody of the child.
The reason why the grandmother has temporary custody is because the mother of the little girl is strung out on drugs, is abusive, and was removed several times from their home. She's treated her daughter in devastating ways. As a result my fiance had his daughter alone for several months and did quite well with her by all accounts & witness testimony.
HOWEVER, he made the crucial mistake of letting the wife come back into the home, because she had claimed to take anger managment like social services recommended and begged for forgiveness. Well, she ended up being abusive all over again (she hadn't changed a bit nor had she really taken anger managment.) She finally left for good and they went to court over custody, the judge used that against him. The judge found that to be irresponsible of him to do (which it was) and considered it putting the daughter in danger. Also, he was worried my fiance might reconcile with the wife and put his daughter in danger yet again, so he wanted the daughter to be in temporary custody of another to make sure they were not going to reconcile. The judge also wanted them both to take parenting classes, get evaluated by a licensed clinical social worker, and get a living quarters inspection. He has done all of these things and the mother has not. His lawyer said his chances of regaining custody are high. His mother himself told me he was very good with her.
I must state here that I am quite fond of his daughter, and she is quite fond of me. Yesterday his mother called him and asked him if his daughter could spend the day over here today, because he had the day off. Of course we said "yes!"
Then his mother said, (in a negative tone, I felt) ... "What are you telling this child? She was asking me if (my name here, and she stressed my name in a not-so-positive tone for some reason) was going to be her new mommy. You better not be telling her that. We don't talk like that around here."
He said, "No, she asked me if (my name here) was going to be her new mommy, and I told her no, that she was going to be her stepmommy."
His mother said, "Well, you NEED to be careful what you say because you're going to be confusing her. She said Daddy said (my name here) is going to be her new mommy. Like I said, we don't EVER say that around here. We don't even say anything about her being a stepmommy, it will confuse her."
Well after he hung up I was mildly offended. Of course I can understand that, but did she have to say it in such a tone as if she doesn't even want me to be the stepmother? We suspect she's gotten too attached anyway and doesnt' want to give custody up, and may be jealous that I'll be a maternal-type figure in the daughter's life helping my fiance raise her. I know that she despises the biological mother so it's not a matter of her still loving her daughter-in-law or anything like that. I thought the woman liked me a lot (according to my fiance and his aunt, she does!) so I don't understand why she said this in such a tone.
BTW, of course I understand my role and would never, EVER confuse this poor child by telling her I'm her mother, or anything like that. I understand fully well and respect that she already has a mother and I'm not looking to replace that. My fiance and I however know that I'll be more of a mother figure to this girl than her real mother ever will be. So we see nothing wrong with telling her I'm going to be her stepmother. Today the child was saying "You're going to be my stepmommy and (estranged wife's name here) is my mommy!" so she does understand after my fiance explained it to her more in depth. I also wouldn't disrespect another woman like that. I don't like this woman for all she has done to my fiance, his family, and their precious daughter, but I wouldn't disrespect another woman by telling their children that I'm the mother when I'm not. I'd never, ever do that. Something tells me that my fiance's mother might have been implying that, and I think she thinks I'm putting stuff in the child's head.
Well, I'm not, and I'm not trying to take over! But I do plan on treating her as I'd treat my own (without ever telling her that I'm her mother, nor attempting to imply it, I'd never do that to someone! She deserves to know she has a mother, whether she's a good one or bad one.) and I do plan on helping my fiance raise her, and I do plan on us being family, whether biological or not. My fiance and I both agree that I'd be far more beneficial to this child than her biological mother, but we're definitely not disregarding the fact that she has a mother already.
I'm not sure why his mother acted the way that she did, as if the very idea of such a thing was offensive. In turn this offended me somewhat, though I understand what she means about not wanting to confuse the child. I still however couldn't help but feel hurt by the way she said it, and her tone. Also the way she made this into a huge deal and implied stuff.
So today, he said something to her, when she brought the child over. I was still in bed. He said, "Do you have a problem with (insert name here) or something? Just wondering, because of the way you said what you said yesterday on the phone... you just seemed offended that (his daughter's name here) would call her a mommy.. well she's a lot better than (his estranged wife's name here..). But just to let you know, she has asked this of us several times of her own accord, and we have let her know straight out that (my name here) is going to be her stepmommy."
She was like, "no I don't have a problem with (my name here.)! It's just that you don't need to be telling her that (my name) is her new mommy." He said, "We're not telling her that, we've emphasized the difference. She calls her by her name, so she does know that she's not her mommy. She's going to be her stepmother." Then I heard her say something along the lines of "Well, that's still not a mother. And I think you're just saying that you told your daughter (my name here) is her stepmother to cover up." (implying that she believed he or I did tell the child this "new mommy" bit, which we didn't! Being that she said "cover up", I think she meant he was trying to 'cover up' for me, and she thinks I really did say something like that to the child!
Well, he originally was going to stand up to her because of the way she said it, as if offended. But ending up "punking out" and just letting her talk like that to him. Of course, he needed to be polite about this, I agree. But he didn't have to let her talk down to him, because she's implying stuff and that's not really cool. Not with me and not with him. There's a way to express your feelings on something without being nasty, so he should have.
Well I was pretty annoyed with him, because it just seems to me he's a little immature and scared of his "mommy"? .... I've noticed she's a little overbearing and acts like he, a grown man of 26, can't do anything.
She's called here twice today just to ask if everything's allright. Maybe 45 minutes after she had dropped her granddaughter off. The first time he said, "look, I know what I'm doing. There's no need to call, everything's fine." He was annoyed with her. She hung up on him. The 2nd time, my fiance was getting a little frustrated. For one, his daughter wants to do a lot of things with me and if he asked her to do something, she'd said "no, I want to do it with (my name here!)" and he was getting a tad bit jealous/hurt. Then, he was trying to get her to take a midafternoon nap, and she wouldn't. So the second time his pushy mother called, he was all "She won't lay down for a nap, she's tired but she won't take a nap" and blah blah, rather than act annoyed with her for calling again after he told her everything was fine.
It was obviously because he couldn't handle things (and apparently she thinks so too) and needed his 'mommy' to tell him how to handle it. In fact she had to get the daughter to behave, the woman was on speakerphone and telling the granddaughter she better take a nap, basically undermining him. And he allowed it.
What sort of immature behavior is that?? Thought he was such an independent man at first but now I'm thinking otherwise. He told her we were making popcorn and she was like, "Remember (his name), give her only one piece at a time and make sure she chews and swallows and has a drink." She's basically condescending to him and he just takes it.
So I kinda said something when he got off the phone, like "Well, we do know what we're doing over here, everything IS fine, she really doesn't need to keep checking up on us. I have experience with young children, and so do you. We're not over here killing her or anything." He just said, "I know, right?" But I'm like, okay, you say you know, so why didn't you speak up and stand up to her?
Well, a bit later I noticed a pattern. Everytime his daughter would try to do something he'd swoop in, take over and do it for her. Things she was perfectly capable of. For example, she opened the refridgerator herself and brought out a drink so I could pour it in her cup. Well, he ran over to get the bottled drink before she 'dropped' it, when she was perfectly capable, in fact I said "it's okay, it's ok, she's got it" ... and she brought it over to me, no problem. I poured her drink in her sippy cup, and she even said "I'm a big girl I can do it!" and screwed the lid on herself. No need for anyone to do it for her, IMO kids need to learn and do some simple tasks on their own, it's development.
Then he was gonna take her to the neighbor's house and said "well, let me put your shoes on honey!" And started putting on the child's socks and shoes. Well let me tell you, I've been babysitting a 2 and a half year old for the past few months, and she knows how to put her own shoes on. No problem. His daughter is older and certainly would know how. So I asked "Doesn't she know how to put on her shoes?" Not in a condescending way, but in a curious light manner. He said "Yes, but I'm going to do it for her." I said "But she's perfectly capable of doing so, and by doing it for her you're kinda stunting her development. She needs to learn to do things on her own, and she needs to be able to do the things that she already knows how to do. There's no need to to do it for her." He just ignored me. And that's where the pattern lies, his mother tells him what to do and how to do things and probably has often done things for him. He in turn is doing the same to his daughter. I don't want him doing that to the kids he and I have together, and I want my kids to learn to be independent and develop normally without us being overbearing and doing everything for them as if they were handicapped or babies! And no way in hell will his mother be calling the house everyday to tell us how to raise our child, when we have one! Do I have reason to be concerned, or am I overreacting and being a * * * * *???
