sandrawg

Dear ex, You suck as a human being. You're such a narcissistic, selfish sociopath, you can't even bother to give me an explanation as to why you blindsided me. Burn in hell. Seriously.

Dear ex, Just found out today from M*****a that at that party your brother threw back in October, you came onto M****a. I sort of suspected as much..when you took her outside to "show her around", it was to get her away from ME, wasn't it? Since we were sleeping together at that time. And apparently, you didn't care that J*** had invited M****a to the party because HE was interested in her, did you? The pathetic ego boost you wanted to get from seeing if you could get her interested in you superceded both MY feelings AND his. You're an a&&hat, you really are. M****a and I are good friends now and guess what? She says she never liked you. Nearly all of my friends have been saying that. Funny how you did the same thing with that girl at Happy Hour..you took her outside for a smoke, so you could flirt with her, without me watching. I have half a mind to message her on Facebook and find out what exactly happened between the 2 of you. But you know what, I know all I need ot know about your sh*tty character. Stay out of my f'in life.

Screw Valentine's Day. Seriously.

I've been editing and re-editing a letter to you for a week now. It goes something like this: "It’s been over two weeks, and I still feel like I’ve been kicked in the teeth. Half of me wants to corner you and bombard you with questions. The other half never wants to see you again. I honestly don't even want to be contacting you, but I can't escape this burning need for closure, for some reason. Perhaps it's partly because you were not only my lover, you were my dom. My top. I put you in a position of trust that I’ve never put ANYONE in, EVER. When you were wrapping my stockings or your hands around my throat, I was putting my LIFE in your hands. We reached a very deep level of connection (OR SO I THOUGHT). Because of that, I think I deserve more of an explanation, not just for the breakup, but for the relationship itself in light of what you said when you broke up with me ( "the feelings aren't there"). One minute you seemed so into me, the next I get dumped on my head. And everyone just expects me to move on and put on a happy face, and just get over it, without wanting some answers?? For example..HOW could you have told me “my head and heart agree this is right” or “I’m falling in love with you”, and do and say such sweet, loving things, then pull the rug out from under me, seemingly out of nowhere, a few weeks later? Feelings don't change that quickly. If I did something to spur this sudden change of heart, I’d like to know what it was, so I don't go repeating the same mistakes in my next relationship. If I’d had the presence of mind the night you broke up with me, I would’ve asked, what do you mean, the feelings aren’t there? Did they DIE? Were they never there in the first place? If not, why did you make me believe they were?? Given the investment of time, effort and emotion I put into this relationship in the last 6 months, and the closeness I thought we’d shared, when I said “I deserve better than this,” I meant, I deserved more of an explanation as to why you pulled me so close to you for 6 months –even when I tried to pull away at times, because I KNEW..I KNEW you weren’t over your ex—only to dump me once things seemed to be going well. I feel like I got totally played..not sure why, tho? Cuz you needed to feel better about yourself, after 6 yrs of (his last ex's) b***s***t? Because you didn't want to be alone? See? Questions, questions... I did not ask for (a mutual friend of ours') input that night that he returned your stuff to you on my behalf; however, he felt led to explain to me that you feel you have nothing to contribute to a relationship right now, your life is a mess, you need to focus on yourself, etc….since I never asked nor expected you to have your * * * * together to be with me, and you contributed a g****n LOT to the relationship-surely you KNOW that… that all sounds to me like the standard “give her an excuse that is less likely to hurt her feelings or make you look like an a$$hat” template. ("it's not you, it's ME", bla bla.) I frankly suspect that you're still in love with some phantom you saw once a weekend every 3-4 months, and me as a human being who's HERE so you could see my faults and imperfections, and made you have to deal with the demands and expectations of an adult relationship...well I just couldn't compete with that phantom. But..that's just my rampant, wild speculation. Anyway, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of everyone's armchair coach speculation –including my own, or second-hand info about your motives and feelings, simply because you decided to pull a 180 seemingly out of nowhere. I just want to tidy this chapter of my life up and move on. It's killing me that I can't, not without some clarity on the s*** that still makes no sense to me. For the sake of closure, I’d like to know the truth, straight from you. I'd like to know what's been going on in your head the last 6 months. I hope that you respect me enough to GIVE me the truth and have enough confidence in my maturity and strength that I can handle it. There's nothing to lose by being honest with me because..and, just so there’s NO confusion, I’m not asking for this by any means to try to get you back. Just so we're clear. I don't want you back. I don’t play the break-up/get back together games that you and (his last ex) seem to enjoy. I‘d rather take all the good things I have to offer and give them to someone who appreciates me, rather than trying to push them on someone who clearly doesn't want them, for whatever reason..no feelings, not ready, etc. I’m SURE there’s a decent, attractive, intelligent guy out there SOMEWHERE who would love to be with a sexy fetish model who’s sapiosexual, bisexual, amenable to lap dances at strip clubs, porn and threeways; who has a high sex drive; who is honest, loyal, and trustworthy; who is submissive and doesn’t mind a certain amount of pain; who is relatively easygoing and likes to share and do things with her boyfriend; who's not afraid of intimacy; who is funny, clever, highly intelligent, well-read, well-rounded,; who likes opera and symphonies; etc…you get my drift. I’d like to MOVE ON and find this person." Haven't sent it. YET.

What's wrong with the southwest? Have you ever been there? There are some great things about it...

My boyfriend and I have been together 6 mos. I should start by saying that I am somewhat insecure in general, but I went through a divorce last year that made me even more insecure (marriage of 10 yrs ended). In the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend did things that fed my insecurity...for ex., he tried to convince me to get breast implants, because mine are small and he preferred big ones. After we had been together a couple of months, he told me about this gorgeous girl (Jennifer) that hung out at this Internet cafe where he also hung out. (She had big breasts, looked like a porn star, but also had a brain, or so he said.) Anyway, he ended up getting her email address and emailing her. He swore to me it was meaningless. I didn't tell him how much it bothered me (I know, my bad.) Anyway, they emailed back and forth for about a month--it seemed to end July 4th when she went back east to visit family. Meanwhile, he and I were getting more serious. He seemed committed to me. He stopped mentioning my small breasts-seemed happier with me, and with my body. Said it was the best relationship he'd ever been in. So, I thought the email correspondence with this girl would just die off. It seemed to...until, late August. I was housesitting for him while he was on a business trip. I did what I know to be a bad thing, but I just felt like I had to know what was going on with this girl. He didn't have a password on his email account, and he had told me I could use his computer while he was away. I did NOT read his email. However, I noticed Jennifer was in his chat list. I then peeked into his chat record and saw that he had contacted her to chat on Aug. 26th--which was right at the time he and I were getting closer, talking about marriage, etc. The chat did not indicate he was cheating or anything, but it was very flirtatious and could have led to more. He referred to her beauty and brains a couple of times. He asked her if men were intimidated by her. At the end, he asked "Am I going to run into you this week?" she said "Maybe." Reading this made me very upset. Maybe he didn't cheat, but where did he think this flirtation was headed? Why did he never mention to her that he was seeing someone? Where did he hope his contact with her would go? And why did he contact a girl whom I was so obviously threatened by, during a time when he and I were so close (I was bending over backwards at that time to help him get through a difficult period.) He still swears it didn't mean anything. But you add that to his previous comments about my breasts, his comments praising her beauty, etc., and my general insecurity...it's a bad mix. I did not handle it correctly, I know. My jealousy and feelings of humiliation got the best of me. I left him angry emails, voicemail, and broke up with him. When he came back, we were trying to work it out. But he is still very mad and resentful I invaded his privacy. It has become all about me and what I did. And I am still having trouble getting my jealousy under control. Last Thursday, he mentioned that he was at an art gallery. There was a new girl there, sitting next to a painting he was interested in. He said out loud, "Who did this painting, the one next to the very attractive woman here?" I felt he was flirting again and flew off the handle. Once again, he thinks he didn't do anything wrong because he has had ample opportunity to cheat (women are giving him signals or coming on to him all the time--he is very handsome), and he hasn't. Now I fear he thinks he may as well do something because I am going to be jealous anyway. I am going to start counseling to get this under control, but I don't know what to do to handle his anger and resentment. Many of my friends don't think I'm being unreasonable (even though they say I shouldn't have gotten into his chat records.) What do you all think?