Mavis VDSande
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At this point.... I kind of have to agree with Lady Bugg. As your bf said he was unhappy and he was fed up with arguing. However having pointed out this self-revelation he did NOT suggest to you how you could both work things out. Nor did he explain what it was that was upsetting him about your rels in any kind of understandable detail. Now NTL you have two choices. You either find someone else who you can COMMUNICATE with - when I mean communicate, I mean you can talk to him about EVERYTHING without being scared. Or, you can stay in this rels and give your bf space until he realises that you're too good for him and you have better things to do than cry everytime he breathes. Now, the problem with the latter option is that in order for him to respect YOU, you need to respect YOURSELF first. As Lady Bugg said, you need to get your own life back. You need to live independently from him and be relaxed to he point that you don't mind if he's "away" on msn. It is possible to do either - I mean you're doing well on the NC front, to give him space but then you keel over again and text him, and hope and wish. In order for you to know whether he is looking forward in your rels, you need to let him CONTACT YOU FIRST. But you never do, you always text him just as you're doing really well. So the cycle continues. If you walk away it will be easier, hard in the short term but easier in the long term. I mean, the rels you're in now - is this REALLY your ideal?
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Stay strong! Don't buckle under any pressure
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I agree totally - after 9 years with this guy - you should feel comfortable enough to discuss bedroom activities and concerns. Maybe you could arrange a romance evening where you both massage each other and "re-discover" what turns you both on? Like ask him what he likes and prompt him to ask you what you like. Start with simple things like stroking each other's hand and hugging each other naked, then move as you like. But anyway I would seriously think about telling him how you really feel. Otherwise it can get more hurtful for both of you.
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Sorry if I sound like I'm having a rant!! It's just that I went through the exact same things and I know exactly how you feel. I just wanted to add - it's ok to show your feelings, don't feel bad. But please don't show your insecurities and fear. Also some guys like to feel that their gf can be like their best friends sometimes, it eases the pressure of having to be the "man".
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When you see him this weekend you must remember that you want to help and support him. In this I mean DO NOT ASK HIM WHERE YOU STAND IN THE RELS - DO NOT ASK HIM TO TELL YOU HE LOVES YOU - DO NOT BADGER HIM AT ALL ABOUT YOUR RELS. Someone told me on this forum that quality matters more than quantity. So let the quality of your interaction come through this weekend. Do not pressure your bf, let him know that you can be a strong best friend for him as well as his gf. Show him that you can support him. I won't lie to you - it sounds like if you pressure him anymore he'll turn around and say he doesn't want to be in a rels with you. Remember you said you keep wanting it to be like when you first met? It can be! But when you are unhappy it comes through in your appearance, behaviour and mood. He can sense that you are unhappy and it's making him feel uncomfortable. You must act positive and keep a positive outlook. And slowly slowly you can have as much fun as you both had a few years ago. Hugs x
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Never Too Late. I really think that you're thinking TOO much about the situation. It has come to the point where you are not yourself anymore, you are like a rabbit caught in the headlights and all you know is that you are scared to death of your bf leaving you. You must relax. You must trust that whatever happens, it will happen for the best. You must not feel bad about texting your bf or feel like he is playing you around. Reading your posts it seems like he is genuinely having a bad time, and sure sometimes guys need space to sort their stuff out. Even my bf disappears for days on end without contacting me. It does not mean he does not love me, for I know he is unhappy about his situation at the moment. You must stop for a second and look at yourself and your life right now. You are NOT HAPPY. You sound very distressed. But what is it that is making you so unhappy? Do you not trust your bf? Do you feel that if he left you your world would fall apart? Do you feel that there is no happiness without him? You must take this time to think about what is it that is making you feel so angry, hurt and upset. Right now, your bf needs your support. I know he is hurting you, but it's not about you and your rels. It's about you both being a team on the same side and coming through this. I repeat. It is NOT about how he's mistreating you. It is not about you. It's about you both being a team to get through this. Now what do teammates do? They SUPPORT each other. Now, are you supporting your bf? I think not. You are too scared. You are trying to save your feelings by grabbing any form of reasurrance from him that he loves you. This is not the way forward. He needs a strong and independent gf now. Are you the gf for him? If you are, please be strong - we are here to help you.
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Hi Never Too Late, I have been reading your posts with interest and strangely, I have been almost at the point of jumping off my seat, seeeing the way you and your bf/ex have behaved! Please forgive me for saying this but I feel like giving you a swift slap and a booty!!! Seriously... However, your posts remind me of myself, and how I reacted towards my bf (then ex) a few months ago. He said he needed space too, and I disrespected his needs by texting/calling and emailing him. To me I was seeing red, it seemed un-natural that he should want space from me, after all, we were together for 3 years. He was having career troubles too (still is) and was greatly unhappy. Unfortunately one day after I pushed him like crazy he asked to meet me and plainly said "I don't think we should be together". It hit me like a bombshell. It really did. But then, only after a few months of having NO CONTACT whatsever I realised that I did disrespect him, and I did contact him stupidly when my friends judged our rels, and I did think about him 24/7 when I was alone, and thought it was unfair that we were apart. And I realised that if I LEFT HIM ALONE in the first place, in stead of going nuts, he would have come back when he sorted himself out and we would have been fine. Instead I pushed him to be so annoyed with my neediness and insecurities, that he did not want a future with me. This is what you have been doing lately. I'm sorry to say it, but read back to your posts and tell me what you see. Desperation and neediness. You must be secure within yourself. This is what your bf/ex wants from you. He needs to know that if he does NOT CONTACT you, you WILL be able to be STRONG and LIVE WITHOUT HIM. Ultimately, no one wants to go out with someone who is NOT emotionally strong and who does NOT have their own independance. Please leave him alone before he resents you for not understanding him. Please read back to all your posts and see if you understand what I mean. Please start using this time away from him to figure your life out. Hugs x
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Not sure what to feel, what to do..
Mavis VDSande replied to johnnynz's topic in Getting Back Together
Thanks for answering in all honestly JZ. With regards to point 3, did you both have a friendship previously (when you first started out) or do you think you never had that? -
AGREE! :scatter:
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Not sure what to feel, what to do..
Mavis VDSande replied to johnnynz's topic in Getting Back Together
You also must remember that how she feels about you (being too smothering etc) is exactly how she feels about you. In this sense, it's not a case of "I'm not doing anything wrong, she's being cold-hearted" rather it's "whatever I'm doing now, she does not like it". You have two choices -> dramatically change the situation or move on. -
Not sure what to feel, what to do..
Mavis VDSande replied to johnnynz's topic in Getting Back Together
Hi JZ, I agree with Fris - in relaying your feelings you have illustrated the issues that you are having right now. I really feel for you, because it's really telling when you're with your partner and you feel like rubbish. I remember when I broke up with my ex, I was so devastated - we've all been there you know. I stopped eating, didn't go to work, my friends had to drag me from my flat and drive me to my mum's to get me to eat! (I know). My bro told me something that I often consider now and believe to be a rels truth. He said that all romantic rels should be founded on Friendship, Respect and Passion. Then he asked me the following (which I change the "sex" of my ex for you!): 1. Does your ex RESPECT you as a person? 2. Do YOU respect her as a person? At the time, I said NO, I feel like my ex does not respect me because he was blowing hot and cold. Me on the other hand - I put him on a pedestal. 3. Do you and your ex have a genuine friendship? I said yes, I felt that we were the best of friends. That is, we always relied on each other and spoke to each other as best friends. 4. Does your ex feel PASSIONATE about you? 5. Do YOU feel passionate about about her? I could say yes I felt passionate about my ex, because I longed for every moment I was with him. He made me happy, very happy. But I knew in my heart that my ex did not have any passion for me. So how would you truly answer these questions? If you were to truly answer these, you would not be saying YES for all the elements. The main factor I think is that your ex/gf does not respect you. If she did, there would be no beating around the bush - there would be truth, she would tell you how she felt and you would know, no second guessing. In turn I will ask you -> do you respect yourself? Lastly, you really have to talk about why you both broke up in the first place. What exactly were her doubts and how does she feel now? I know that when I got back together with my ex, we were fine and dandy until it came to a point where we had to be honest with each other. Honesty sometimes hurts, but it is better to know then to waste your time and suffer. -
Hiyah, For me the break-up was definitely about my ex un-earthing true feelings. It came to a crunching point where both of us had to look within ourselves to sort out some hard truths. At the time, all I knew was that he decided to break-up with me. I was seeing it as something he did to me. He was doing his bit of soul-searching. Only months afterwards (and about 2 with NC) I realised there were truths I had to un-earth about myself. Then we got back together, but still it took us both 4 months (and still now) to communicate what was wrong and about our situations and what is actually the truth of the matter.
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No don't call her - because since that 2 months of NC she hasn't made any hints to contact or get to know you again. If you call her she may be happy, but you won't be. Because you may not get the reaction of reconciliation you may want. "It won't be rude if I don't call her?" NO not really, it would only be rude if you were in her life right now and she was expecting it from you. Since you're not (at this moment in time), it's not an issue. The fact that you are hemming and hawing though, is an issue for you. Because it seems that you are holding on to her very tightly, and you need to ease it up.
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NO!! DO NOT DO IT. Why? Because if she REALLY wanted to talk to you -> she would have IM-ed you by now. Or phoned you, or emailed you -> anything!