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icarus27

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  • Birthday 01/13/1978

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  1. Denisa, as another British-Asian and a Muslim guy, kudos to you both for keeping up the communication and supporting each other through what must be a hard period for you. That bond will sustain you, no matter what the outside world says or does. There's not much more I could add beyond what the other posters said, but I wanted to put my two cents in and congratulate you on being so patient and loving in a world where there is very little of that. All the best.
  2. teardrops, I'm so sorry that you've had a hard time with men. Speaking as a proverbial "nice guy" who is not really successful with women, I sometimes wonder how it's the rubbish men who scar nice women like you until they lose all trust in the male sex ... and that's when even the nice guys don't stand any chance. It's sad. Although it seems to you like everything's over, it isn't. You don't have to give up dating forever, but what you could do, and feel proud of yourself for doing, is making a conscious decision to take "me" time ... nurse yourself back to a stronger state of physical and mental wellbeing. Just take time out ... do things with single friends, if slushy love songs come on the radio, change the station ... do whatever it takes to maintain a calm frame of mind. In time, you'll begin to feel better. Screw these idiot guys for the time being. What's important is *you*. Keep the hope that when you're better, good things will start to happen in your life. You won't have to struggle for them so hard either. Best wishes.
  3. Orlander, This may sound trite man, but you always have something meaningful to say. I'm happy to hear of your progress, but relate to how laying one's heart open to someone new can be the hurdle one didn't expect. How hard it can be when some residue of the hurt is still there. I'm sure if what seemed impossible months ago is happening now, for real, what seems difficult now will also come to pass soon enough.
  4. Wise words from you all. Yes, in some ways, I can still find the positives in the situation. Encouraged by what you said. A first date with someone could have been a lot, lot worse. I found we had plenty to talk about, and contrary to what happens a lot of the time, I didn't compare her to my ex at all - I saw her as a new individual. I guess I have some thoughts around just *what* makes up chemistry. Put it like this, I believe in the rule of 80/20: if you can generally find 80% of what you want in the person, the remaining 20% can be worked at. However, looking at the dating game these days, I'm recognising that a lot of women (and men) want 99%. Anything short and they start wondering "It's not right". It's a cruel game. One thing I will say about her, she had the decency to be kind in the way she wrote to me. And that humanity alone, makes the experience so much more tolerable.
  5. A brief thank you to you guys. Will write more again when I can - bit busy with work now. A couple of days on, my mood's slowly coming back closer to what you could call normal. Still found it incredibly difficult to face the day though.
  6. Hi fellow eNotAloners, My absense has been a sign that I've been living my life. Slowly, I got back the rhythms of eating and sleeping and finding my job interesting. It's been 6 months since the break-up. A large part of the hope to start living life again was supplied by taking a decision to post a profile on an online dating website and the people it started to bring me in email contact with. That's all changed after my first date with someone over the weekend. It had a bad outcome, and I've lost a great deal of hope again. We talked avidly for a way longer than it took us to eat -- we both made each other laugh -- she's a very nice girl. A day after the date, she emailed to say in the kindest way she could, that she doesn't see us being any more than friends. That's where the great disappointment hit me. I don't look any different to my picture on the online profile. She knew I'm slim in appearance, how tall I am, all that. So no surprises to vex her. The simplest answer is sometimes the truest - maybe at the end of it all, she didn't feel that chemistry. I was in despair after receiving her email. I couldn't eat last night, nor this morning, and though it may sound extreme, was in no position to come into work until the afternoon. It really has hit me hard. Not so much this one girl. It's not all about her. Somehow online dating had given birth to a kind of optimism that here was another route to meet people who genuinely want a serious relationship in their life. And it's that optimism that died for me last night. Friends tell me online dating takes time, sometimes years to find a suitable person. I don't know if I have the strength for that kind of long haul. Add to that the fact that I'm simply not going to get that many hits - I'm non-white, and starting to get a sense that a lot of white women simply see my profile and click away from it because being with a non-white person is not something they picture themselves doing. Guys, I'm not trying to make this a woe-is-me story, because I've been trying hard to stand up again. Last night I broke down. I couldn't see ahead anymore. Would very much like to know from any others who've weathered the emotional storm of trying to meet/date someone again after a trainwreck's happened in their life. Just need some support from you all who've been there. Thanks to everyone.
  7. Parsley, This is not going to come accross as very intellectual, but it's from the gut. The taxi driver was so right. What a b*****d that man was.
  8. drum4god, A female friend said this to me after my break-up. When your stomach gets in a knot wondering how intolerable it feels that she should notice another eligible guy, consider that on her side, she is probably having a similar emotion. Even when it was the girl doing the dumping, she may find it intolerable that you will, sure enough, begin to notice eligible young women around you. Does that mean you'll put your life on hold? No way! Just a woman's eye view that I thought I'd pass on. Best of luck my friend. I was very pleased to hear about you seeking some comfort in God. I'm not a Christian myself, but glad if someone finds solace in his faith.
  9. longhaircats, How're you today? Just a few days ago, when the girl I was interested in suddenly ended it by email, my physical reaction was severe. My stomach turned, and I felt nauseous at the thought I had messed up - again. I kept thinking, "What've I done?! What the hell've I done?!!" At the root of it was a deep fear, like yours, that I had misread the situation completely, misjudged this person spectacularly, that my own sense of judgement must be shot to pieces. But the following morning, when I tried to view myself with some self-respect, I saw that in the short connection I've had with this person (who I met online), I didn't do anything to put this person off .... of all things, self-blame is the one thing I *can* save myself from. That's what I think you have to see, as well. Perhaps even thank your stars that this guy who just left without an explanation is not your problem anymore. Wherever the hell he is, let him sort out his own ***p. You're hurting, I know. You can be kind to yourself.
  10. longhaircats, Please don't torture yourself wondering if there was something you did wrong. I know that it's maddening if the person didn't have the decency to at least cancel the date and give a proper reason. It does not mean that you should have to carry this burden of Why?? It may not be because of anything you did or said. In your sensitive frame of mind, now that you're still so tender, it seems a huge deal. But you of all people, have the perfect right to go easy on yourself. Take care girl. Keep posting. We're here.
  11. Longhaircats, Even when you see a counsellor, the person who has to become empowered to be able to bring change into your life, is YOU. The therapist's role is to help you. I think that one session on its own may not be neough, depending on the depth of your issues, it could take several sessions or more ... but please remember that you're central to the process and anytime you feel like stopping, you can. I'd say, try it out. In my own life story, the first time I went to a counsellor for 8 weeks, it profoundly turned round some of my ideas about life and how I was living. Years later, I'm now studying a course in counselling and therapy myself to be able to help others. I felt for you story longhaircats, because I've been through a painful break-up (6 months ago) and then got to know another girl in the last month who I started to become interested in. She's suddenly broken things off, she did it nicely, but of course it still hit me badly.
  12. BlueCoconut, I wish I could write more but am short of time today. Please remember that it may not all have been your fault. Your ex-girlfriend wept a great deal: that may also have to do with an over-sensitive nature, a tendency to break down and want support, it could be lots of things. It need not necessarily ALL be down to you. One of the hard things to do at this time, is to be able to forgive yourself little mistakes you made. None of us is perfect. And the way you're coming onto enotalone, worried about having hurt someone, indicates you have a conscience. Deep down, there is good in you. Believe that. It wasn't all your fault.
  13. Papa, Appreciated your comment. It was a misjudged thing to do, but God, I have blamed myself so much for not getting it right. It brings me some relief to hear someone say it's not the end of the world.
  14. Pisces, I'm sorry to hear of your loss last year. Just thought I'd say, since you're in the UK, there's the Samaritans line which you can phone if the emotions and anxiety build to fever pitch. As long as you don't tie them down for hours, they're happy to lend a listening ear. Sometimes I've found this can bring my emotions down from a highly-strung state. I know most people think you only call them if you're thinking of harming yourself. Been there too.
  15. Hpsowce, I've followed your posts for some time now. Good to hear from you. You're definitely being stronger this time. Keep it up man. She's done enough to lose credibility in my books.
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