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Juliana

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Juliana last won the day on January 5 2007

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  1. I think he means that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder, and superficially, I agree that it's definitely possible from what is described. There is no medication for BPD. Personality disorders only respond to therapy and lifestyle change. Basically, she has to get real real healthy real real fast. Eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep and making sure that she has appropriate, constructive ways to express herself are important. The therapy of choice for Borderlines is Dialetic Behaviour Therapy. That is the one to pursue. However, I see that you are beginning to set yourself up into a care-taking role, and this is the kiss of death to any relationship with a person who has BPD. People assuming a caretaking role in their lives undermine the person with BPD because it makes them feel different, flawed, inadequate and dangerous. Have faith, ironclad faith, that she is sane and that she is going to learn how to get out of her Borderline state through her own efforts. Then just let her live her life, and enjoy the relationship as much as you can. Love her as she is. She doesn't need to be looked after; she needs someone who believes in her and wants the best for her. You sound like you do, so in my opinion you are already doing what you should be doing.
  2. "Men can do horrible things to women somtimes, normally things just born out of inconsideration... but they normally have motive behind it." Or they think they do. You'd have to hear some of my stories; I'm not going to go into it, but I've had things done to me in the name of revenge, for imaginary affairs, for making more money than he did, for not paying attention to him when he wanted me to....revenge always has motive. What it doesn't have is self-control. Or, sanity.
  3. A friend of mine asked me before I went to France, which Paris was I looking for? And I immediately understood; I was looking for the medieval Paris. The places you will go to have history. You have to know not only where you are going, but when. The present? The past? If the past, where in the past? Or maybe you want the future, the hidden city that isn't present yet, but is there, even so. You don't have to stop working to devote a year to travel. I would continue working if you need the money to go. Sell-off sites are great for people who are free, single, and able to take a week off here and there. Trust me, if you know where you're going, and what you want, you can see alot in a few days. link removed
  4. We can always regret what we do, and there are always opportunities to turn around and change things, to make different choices. But in general, it's best to move forward constructively, and accept what the other person has chosen.
  5. Look, there is no right response to this. She had a profile up that specified the exact opposite of what he was. Did he care? No. His first action was an insult: Contacting her when he knew that she didn't want his type. So she didn't answer. And his repsonse? To demand she answer. So she answered, and you all thought she was rude. I was very concerned that she wasn't rude enough. "Thank you" can be misinterpreted. "I'm sorry" can be misinterpreted. And his response to her "rude" response? To insult her. If someone contacts you and shows obvious disregard for who you are, what you want, and continues to contact you when you do not contact them, there is something wrong there. Your concern should not be whether or not you are hurting someone's feelings, when it is obvious they couldn't care less about what you want or think. Women are often harmed because they feel social pressure to "be nice." It's comforting to imagine that everyone out there is more or less "normal," but that's not actually true. If you don't know the guy, you don't know what his motivations are, and you have no obligation to contact him even to tell him not to contact you. Or, as one of my ex's said, "Stay off the internet. It's full of crazy people. I should know, I'm one of them."
  6. Again, you have to realize that you have no control over someone else. If he is going to kill himself, I don't believe you can stop him. Therapists who work with personality-disordered patients accept going in that they will lose a certain number of their patients to suicide. They accept those losses as part of their human limitations. And that's what you have to do. I can't promise you that he won't kill himself if you do this or that; no one can. He has to find that faith to go on living himself. He has to find that courage to accept help himself. Of course, he is wrong; he is not evil -- evil is not something human beings can be, it is only something they can do. And his kids will suffer horribly for the rest of their lives if he kills himself. My mother died when I was young; I know what the effects of losing a parent are, even a selfish, self-involved parent. But you'll heal. His kids will adapt. And he'll still be dead. It's a waste, really. In dealing with the personality-disordered, the most important thing you can do for yourself, and for your kids, is to begin to recognize where he ends, and you begin. Recognize your boundaries. Recognize that it is okay that he makes self-destructive choices that you cannot heal or prevent. Recognize that he is fully capable of living his own life, and that if he chooses not to do this, that's not your responsibility. Ironically, when you draw back from this enmeshment with him, you will begin to be able to really feel and really love again. You don't have to enforce those boundaries right now, but you will find enormous relief just in knowing they exist. He may be entirely sincere and determined in his statements about wanting to kill himself. Rather than criticize him and calling him a coward (which he actually enjoys), point away from those emotions and towards positive actions by saying, "it's a shame you feel that way, it would be so much better for you if you went into treatment." Don't go down the road of how awful the suicide is, etc. etc., but rather continuously turn the conversation towards his need for treatment, without pleading or cajoling. It's his decision. You can point it out, over and over, but he has to do something about it. He doesn't get that yet. Btw, all those times in the past when you were there for him, and it made a difference, I'm sure it did, but the difference it made was in him choosing to get up and keep going. If he chooses now not to benefit from the good in his life, that's his decision, and not your fault. Don't confuse where your boundaries are; don't confuse his choices with your actions. Narcissists are not our children, even though it often feels that way.
  7. Everybody does this stuff. Call up and listen to the other person breathe. It's crazy, cause it hurts, but it's also good, because it's the big reality slap we all need sometimes: She's not with you. Check again: Nope, still not with you. It's hard. Don't be too critical of yourself. But it hurts like a sunnuvagun, so you might want to consider not doing it too much, because the pain of the reality check can actually push you back in your healing, and put you in "unhealthy places."
  8. I took a year off to go insane, basically. So yeah, people do that kind of thing -- a sabbatical. You want to take a sabbatical (rest period) to travel, I say go for it. If you check out sell-off sales you can get cheap flights anywhere. If you call up a courier service, they might hire you to courier stuff to remote places; you just have to come up with the return fare yourself. It's well worth doing. I enjoyed being crazy, but now I'm back to my real life...work, et al. Thing is, the life you come back to never seeems to be the life you left. In my case, it's much better, so I highly recommend it. I believe that anything you do to fulfill a life goal or a long-held dream is a positive thing (yeah, I'd always suspected that I was crazy, but I'd never really tried, you know? lol).
  9. Everything you're feeling and thinking is part of the process of healing. Human beings simply cannot comprehend real evil; it's like trying to understand infinity. It's not something we can do. What we can do is understand that we have some (limited) control over what happens to us, and we do have absolute control over how we choose to respond -- whether we will choose to do evil in return, or to remain honest and true to ourselves, and do good. We still end up walking away knowing the world is full of incomprehensible evil, but we walk away with the potential to heal, rather than converted over to evil by evil. You are moving forward, you are healing, even though you feel this is happening so slowly, it is happening. Keep doing what you're doing. If your medication helps you, stay on it. There are physical consequences to trauma, whether it's rape, or a car accident, or a bad breakup. People who've been through trauma can get something called "adrenal exhaustion," where your adrenalin works overtime for so long, it can't get back to normal anymore. Medication is necessary to control that, or there are serious health and emotional problems. You may simply not be ready to be off the medication yet. If your mom understood that, I'm sure she would be more accepting of the idea of taking medication. It's okay to be sad. There are other emotions. Eventually, the rape will become someting in the past, like a book you've read, and put away. A story you no longer live with everyday.
  10. Maybe now that you're assured of your own success, you can turn around and be a friend to her, and remind her of her own dreams, instead of just watching her fall. Just a thought.
  11. "and yet we have millions of people who think, for example, that Celebrity Big Brother is entertainment." It's not ridiculous. I totally understand. Dwarf tossing. What's that all about? At least we don't have public hangings anymore. Things are looking up! Your intelligence is real, it is not impeded by your illness (although you personally are), and in pursuing the fulfillment of your intelligence, you will be improving the world for everyone. Genuinely intelligent people living their lives honestly are inspirational for everyone. Off you go.
  12. Please do not walk up to random girls and kiss them, as the previous poster suggested. This has happened to me, and it remains one of the most disgusting memories I have. It's just foul. Don't do it.
  13. "In order to be happy, in order to free yourself from the things that get you down and horrible days you have when everyone gets you down, you should cultivate loving kindness to the world." True Buddhism isn't about being happy, it's about being liberated from the compulsion to react in any particular way to the events of one's life. Buddhism doesn't bring happiness; at least, it's not supposed to. It's supposed to bring the serenity of liberation from concern with the events of life. You won't be happy, you won't be sad; you won't "be" anything, because Buddhism does not recognize the existence of the soul. You get Nirvana, as opposed to Heaven. However, setting that aside for the moment, I would suggest that you consider whether or not the most respectful and loving thing you can do for other people is to be honest about yourself and how you feel. Rather than making a show of anything, why not consider who you are, how you really feel, and react based on that? Granted, you should choose to express those emotions that are constructive rather than destructive, but realize that what is best for the other person isn't always "nice." It's easy to be "nice," while watching someone do themselves harm. In your meditation, try to focus on the present moment, and in that moment, find yourself. Go from there.
  14. I used to write poetry that was so angry, it made me sick to my stomach to read it afterward. Seriously. And then of course it wasn't "good enough." But I know the drill: I don't brush my teeth because I brush my teeth perfectly, or I'm the "best" at it. I brush my teeth because I want to stay healthy. So I write my crap poetry for the same reason; it gets out stuff I don't even know is there. I exercise for the same reason, clean my house, take vitamins, eat right, work, call my friends, for the same reason: All to keep my mind working. Because that's the way it is. Yes, you want to get that philosophy degree, and you should, because you're brilliant, and the world is overrun with stupid people -- we have far too many already -- so we need you. So go do your dark collages.
  15. The first thing to do is to provide validation; acceptance of her version of events, without question. The point here is not to establish factually what went on, but to move her through the emotional process of overcoming the trauma. The second thing, provided on the heels of the first, is acceptance of her anger, her fear, the complete emotional spectrum that she is presenting. It's normal. Oftentimes people draw back from strong emotion or neediness; I don't know why. This is not a permanent state that she is going to be in, this is a transitional reaction. People who haven't gone through traumatic events sometimes don't comprehend the extreme emotions that can arise in the aftermath, as we heal. Finally, there needs to be an implicit if not overt demonstration of your belief that she will get over this and her life will continue on as she wants it. Her dreams and ambitions, her sense of herself as competent and deserving, has to be preserved or regained. You remember her as she was, and you know she is the same person even though this has happened to her. She needs that faith that she will get herself back. Even though you don't discuss your own tragedies (and I agree with that), it will colour your responses and deepen your compassion for her now. Life is full of tragedy and meaningless violence, and human response to it is the same accross the board, no matter what culture they come from. The crucial difference that those who overcome trauma quickly all have in common is social support and a perception of themselves as being accepted and wanted by their social group, even thought his thing has happened to them Typically, trauma survivors do best when they are counselled by other trauma survivors, because there they know they are understood and accepted as they are. You are probably far and away the best person for your friend to talk to.
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