little red

Yes, it is. The guilt and secrecy becomes too much. You have done the right thing, draw strength from that. I've very recently done exactly the same thing, after many times of trying and failing, but this is different. I have a strength this time which means that even as I write this reply, the temptation to contact him as I can see he is online is huge but I'm resisting. I've turned a corner. I really hope that your strength and determination continues and that this becomes easier as the days turn into weeks. LR

Just a quick reply to say that I will endeavour to answer as many of your questions in as much detail as I can, as soon as I have the time and opportunity to write properly. Sorry it can't be now ... Hang in there, thinking of you. LR

There's nothing else for me to say really - BeStrongBeHappy has indeed said everything so clearly and has got it exactly right - the only thing I will say is that it can be really hard to accept that and believe that when you're still in the middle of things. I was told by friends - who I love for their support and patience in helping do the right thing and come through the pain and heartache of my own stupid choices - that it was like an addiction, and I would say to myself that they didn't really understand, this was different, this is love - they don't understand. And, I still don't think that the fact that it is addictive and you get under the control of the relationship has to take away from the feelings and connection that you have with that person. The feelings I had and the openess and love that I experienced was real - but the key for me was that it wasn't right for anyone affected by it or healthy for me as an individual. I shouldn't have allowed it to begin and I needed to find the strength to end it. Which I did. Well done to everyone else who has regretted some bad decisions and paths but found the strength and managed to do what is right in the end. If you anyone is still caught up in an affair, I do understand how you feel, truly, but I do believe it is best for you to get out of the situation. It will hurt, I'm not denying that, but long term it will benefit you and others. LR

I've only just read through this thread and it has really scared me to see how similar your situation is to mine. An affair which began when unhappiness in my marriage and communication problems coincided with a growing connection and love that developed with a friend, someone meeting the emotional needs that weren't being met by my husband. Before you know it, something that you couldn't foresee happens and you are head over heels and in too deep. I too am a Christian and completely understand the spiritual thoughts and feelings that go alongside the fact that your head and heart are torn and leading you in two separate directions. I can only speak for myself and I know that when people told me what to do I hated it because I didn't get told what I wanted to hear and also I didn't genuinely think it was possible to do what they were saying. I kept trying and failing. I've been on a journey, as I'm sure you will too before you reach an ending, but I can thank God now because I believe I have finally reached the end of the confusion that my bad choices have caused. Somehow, I have found the strength I needed to do the right thing; end the affair, stay in my marriage, focus on my kids and free him to do the same. I really understand the "all or nothing" comments that you were talking about and my decision was to give all to my husband and nothing to the other man. And that has not been easy - just ask my friends and some people on this forum! - but I have to believe I have achieved it this time. And, if it's an encouragement to you, my relationship with my husband is improving every day now, and I hope that we will go on to have a very happy life together. Feel free to pm me if you would like to talk more but from my experience, my advice would be to follow your head and keep moving forward, one step at a time and don't be disheartened if you're not ready now, you'll get there. LR

I know I'm in no position to say this as you don't know anything about me .... but my gut is .... don't go. I had the same instinct yesterday about a conversation ... ignored it and regretted it. Stay strong. LR

Ok, ok, I'm doing this now ... He's not an ex as such but he's someone who I love, but shouldn't - he's not good for me (can't believe I've just admitted that!) and thereforeeee need to stop all communication with. I have been following this thread for a while now and thinking I really need to take up the challenge and do what I know needs to be done but I kept telling myself that I wasn't ready, that there were things that I hadn't said, or that we might be able to find a way that staying in contact would be ok. But it's not ok and after communication with him yesterday, I have decided that enough is enough and I am ready and able to take up this challenge. I can't promise to post every day but I will when I can ..... I know already that it won't be easy .... have tried so many times to be strong, but need to believe that this time will be different. Thanks LR

I have been through a similar situation to you. I was abused by someone in my family for a number of years. I didn't tell anyone for a long time and then spoke out about it while I was away from home at uni. I worked through a lot of feelings and effects that I was experiencing, but he died before I was ready to confront him and ask some questions. I was at the funeral with all my family - none of whom knew or know anything about it to this day. I made the decision to keep the information from my family so as not to be faced with all the questions and ruin their memories. If he was alive the dilemma would be different but as he is unable to do it again, I think not talking about it with them is best for everyone. Just before Christmas, following the death of another member of my family, and after a year of finally letting go of the last (i hope) part of the abuse and finding freedom to be me, I visited my abusers grave for the first time - he died ten years ago now. It was very helpful and I think it marked the beginning of a new time in my life. A time of being in control, taking independence and claiming the freedom that I deserve. Really hope it works out for you and that you can know peace and freedom too. Keep us informed of how things go for you. Take Care LR

WOW ... this is really scary - so much of what you write mirrors my situation, where you're at and how you feel. "It is strangely comforting to be around someone you can truly be completely yourself with. And I find his company so easy." That is so so true about me and my friend ... I feel truly accepted and loved for the first time in a while .... I can't write more now, time and circumstances mean I need to go now but I will be back to write to you more. I'm not sure why you can't send a pm - I've not been around or posted much here myself .... still quite new! But maybe something needs changing in your profile or something(?) - I will try and send you a pm in the morning. LR

If you're still reading the forums ... how did things turn out? Have you been in contact with him again? How are things for you? If not, did your feelings fade? LR

Yes, the quick and easy answer is that you are committing emotional infidelity but you knew that already I'm sure. If only all the answers were so quick and easy to find. I understand your position - I'm there myself right now, having ended something that was clearly not right (although never physical) in order to put things right and stay true and committed to my marriage. But, the other man and myself have been good friends for years, and I am struggling to let that go. I suppose the question is, do you truly believe that you will be able to have a genuinely platonic friendship with this man, one that you would be happy for your husband to know about and be included in? and that, when difficulties come in your life or marriage, as i'm sure they will at some point - can you promise yourself that you won't lean on your friend instead of your husband and turn to him for encouragement and emotional support? I think that's the danger that I worry about most, that it will be so easy to get drawn back into allowing my friend instead of my husband to meet my needs emotionally which obviously can lead to more. And more hurt and deception. Having said that, I can't cut off all contact with my friend, I've tried but it's just not happening right now - so far we have managed relatively well to ensure that our conversations remain on a pretty surface level, but i do worry. Can I ask you? What is your marriage like? How would you describe your relationship with your husband? Are you aware of what it is that resulted in you getting too close to your friend? Our situations sound very similar, do pm me if you'd like to talk some more. LR

You're not choosing to have these dreams, they are obviously very vivid and upsetting you ... you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. I really think that talking to both your boyfriend and your counsellor would really help - sometimes the worry in your mind will grow and grow as you keep it to yourself. And I imagine that you are thinking about it as you go to sleep - the fear that you will have the dream again which is understandable but another factor which could make the dream return. Talking to someone about it will help, I'm sure - your counsellor especially will have some helpful comments about how to deal with dreams. It could really help. I do understand, I have suffered with bad dreams in the past ... it's not nice at all and I really hope that you can come through this and know peace when you sleep and a good relationship with your boyfriend. Thinking of you LR

NC is one of the most painful and difficult things I have ever had to do. Like you, I went back on it and I know the emotions that you are feeling. Try to hold on to the fact that he genuinely cares for you and is finding it as hard as you are. Stay strong - you will make it through this and I hope (for you as well as for myself) that you will be able to have the friendship with him that you long for. Thinking of you. LR

that's my problem. this guy i'm talking about was my therapist - i went to see him in a professional sense. and it got messy. the very person that i needed to be safe has complicated things more. and we'd come so far. We made a mistake. when we started talking it was all professional but, because of circumstances, our two families became friends and the line between professional counsellor and friend became seriously blurred. it's all gone horribly wrong and I feel very betrayed. i also understand all that you've discovered about responding to things as the child in you. I was sexually abused as a child and when things come up now or I talk about what happened, I feel as though I'm taken back in time and still respond with the powerlessness I felt back then. It has taken a lot for me to start responding to emotional situations as an adult who is in control. thank you for your patience and understanding. I do appreciate it.

I have some very close male friendships and I have been in your position in the past, although without the age difference. The first thing that comes to mind is that you need to take some time, and space maybe to think through the friendship you have and work out what it is that you really want from him. Do you wish he was your boyfriend or are you happy with the friendship being more like a brother/sister relationship? How does the affection and physical contact fit into that and how would you finding a boyfriend work alongside the friendship? Would it be ok to have a boyfriend and still continue the level of affection you have with this friend? Or maybe you actually do want more from him, a relationship, but that there are a lot of concerns and fears in your mind. Then, you need to try and talk to your friend openly about the decision you've reached, ask how he feels and try to work it through together. I don't think there is anything wrong with the friendship as it is, as long as both of you have really thought through and been honest about what you want from each other and considered how it would affect other relationships that you might develop. Hope this helps ... Thinking of you. little red

Again, I'm sorry ... there's so much more to it than that and I realise that I can't expect people to understand and support me if I don't share the full story but I don't feel as though I can right now. Everything is such a mess and my head is so confused ... then I read the thread about someone who's partner read their posts on here and that made me reconsider what I was about to write. I just feel really alone now.