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steadyhand

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  1. I'm starting to get more into online dating and am already starting to see that I will probably communicate with a lot more people than I actually meet. I keep getting turned off by profiles and emails with obvious spelling and grammatical errors, which I find really weird... don't you want to try to make the best impression you can? Also, when reading profiles I am often thinking that there is either not enough information or too much information in that I instantly know too much about the person, I am intimidated by them or they seem arrogant.
  2. andrewman, In addition to other's suggestions of taking classes, I also suggest checking out the following websites: link removed [Linkup - this is the SF Bay Area site, there are links to other sites on the left hand side of the page for you to get to the site in your area.] link removed [Meetin - Again, go to your geographical area.] Both of these sites are places where you can plan activities with others that have the same interests as you and want to meet other people. I especially like Link Up because it has a 'flake factor' rating for each person, which discourages people from not showing up to events. One other suggestion is to see if there are any clubs in your area that plan acitivities. For example an outdoor club that plans hikes and other outdoor excursions. Thank you for your post, it's always nice to know there are others out there in similar situations! Take care, steadyhand
  3. Thank you, sayer7. It's nice to know that I am not the only one out there. You sound like you are doing really well and I agree with your outlook completely. I do need to have patience with myself... I have been heading in the right direction of getting my happy, independent self back but sometimes I just want to be there already and have met my compliment (just like you said, not someone to make me happy or someone that needs me to make them happy... someone that is my compliment). You know what it is? Having a roller coaster relationship takes up so much time and energy that now I have so much extra time (and a whole lot of calm in my life) and I feel restless. I'll choose to laugh at that rather than cry! Thank you for the kind words and I wish you all the best as you continue to grow and build your independent life!
  4. Thanks, Robowarrior. Nicely said, "arrange everything in your life and finally bring order into chaos." What scares me is that I am generally very "ordered" in my life when it comes to having myself together - I have a good career and can take care of myself financially. My life was in order when my ex swooped in and pulled the rug out from under me, and I just don't want that to happen again. This isn't a pattern, though (except with him). It's only one relationship and I hope that's all I needed to learn what is not good for me. I'm on the right track, I just hate what seems like the waiting process to be ok again. And the scary thoughts of never having the loving relationship that so far has only existed in my mind. Just venting, I guess.
  5. I just ended a 3 year relationship in August and I started NC all over again about 3 weeks ago. I am moving accross the country to be close to my family and old friends – very good thing, I know, but I am leaving a chapter in my life behind… the one that I had with my ex. A job change is ahead. I want the change but I need to figure out what I want to do. My living situation will change – time to find new roommates. I'll be living with my family in the interim which is great because it relieves some pressure but my family also has to ability to drive me nuts. I'll need time to adjust to whatever I do. I'll be in a new city. Yes, close to family and friends but I still need to learn a new city. Why am I scared? I think I am a pretty independent person and the thought of moving somewhere new is exciting BUT in the last few years when I was with my ex, the relationship revolved around him a lot and since I was unhappy with my life that allowed me to ignore what was going on in my life (i.e. not take care of myself) and now that is all I have to do. It's scary because I had such a long break from it and I'm not so sure I know what to do with myself. I "ran away" from home and moved accross the country by myself 5 years ago and part of the reason I did that is because I didn't know what else to do with myself and I needed to get away from everyone around me. I really enjoyed the alone time at first… then I got into a dysfunctional relationship that I put up with way too long. I'm 28 and I think that I have always been a late bloomer. It's weird to me that I feel like I am ready to settle down. I've led a successful life so far and everything has worked out in the end for me but right now I am in the healing process and I want to make sure that I make the best decisions for myself. It's lonely and I think about dating again soon and then realize that I am not ready and it wouldn't be fair to either party. I thank goodness for all the wonderful people in my life and I sure hope one day I will have a healthy relationship with someone that I am madly in love with. Thanks for reading, I just needed to get that off my chest.
  6. I agree, get it checked out. I am prone to fainting and it's simply because I have low blood pressure - not serious but nice to know! I'm a wimp; I've gotten lightheaded from just listening to someone tell me about an injury. My doctor's advice was to drink lots of water, salt my food (lucky me!) and watch my head on the way down .
  7. Phoenix, I too went through multiple breakups with my ex so I know how that feels. If he is willing to go to couples counseling, I say go for it! I didn't have that opportunity and I imagine it would really help to have an outside party be able to listen to both of you and to listen to one another in that setting. ImThatGirl, thank you for your kind words. I had all sorts of red flags when I started the relationship with my ex right down to his self-fulfilling prophecy: "you are going to break my heart". I think he broke his own heart and dragged mine along with it. I am a generally easy going person but my ex knew how to push all my buttons, make me insecure and generally steal my calm, rational self right out from under me. All that was disguised as love and passion. I'm a little scared I won't know how to love someone in a healthy way but that must be nonsense since I have a whole lot of healthy friendships that add joy to my life rather than suck it dry. I apologize for the rant. It sounds like you have a lot of wonderful things in your life and are aware of them - that is great! Let me ask this, are you comfortable with your kids being exposed to your relationship with your boyfriend, i.e. when he's around is it a healthy environment for them? If not, that spells trouble. I knew I was in a bad place when I stopped telling some of my best friends things about my relationship because I was ashamed of what I was putting up with or not getting.
  8. Because you love him, that's why. Sometimes it's just so damn inconvenient. I didn't leave until he finally made it mutual. It helped that I started looking for another place to live (we were living together). I also got to the point where I couldn't see myself married to him and happy. I felt trapped and a whole lot older than I am, 28. Our rocky relationship turned into a silent one in the last year because he couldn't deal with conflict so he chose to ignore things instead. It was like we were an unhappy married couple that stopped talking to each other. Friends all around us were happy and making marriage plans while we were barely holding on after 3 years. I loved him and things did get better over time but they still weren't good enough. I had never felt lonelier than I did when I was with him (and he was my first love, so I was single until 25 and used to being alone, but not lonely). Our breakup left me feeling very lost and I knew that it would. That was the hardest part and it still is. Not knowing what to do with yourself is really hard to deal with. My ex was a security blanket and I got used to not thinking about myself. It's going to be difficult to get myself back and find the new wiser me. More than anything I am really thankful for everyone else in my life that I have and am now able to enjoy even more now that I am not wasting my energy on something that doesn't give me anything back.
  9. mgirl - I think you worded that perfectly - a return back to nature is important. As time goes on, I have gotten much better at paying attention to and listening to my body and I think that has made things better. My worst times are definitely those when I am uncomfortable with what is going on in my life and I am trying to minimize that as I try to define better what I want and what makes me happy (versus what I feel am "supposed" to do). You mentioned laughing, too. After my recent breakup there were times that I felt a great weight lift off my shoulders and I found myself smiling and laughing at anything and everything I could - my body encouraging me to continue the healing and a celebration of a new beginning. I guess I've made some progress over the years, perhaps this is the worrier in me that remembers all those times of helplessness, wishing for it all to end. I'll make the choice right now to focus on what I have been able to do for myself and all the good that could lie ahead in the future.
  10. I also did a whole lot of compromising for my ex because he was going through hard times. But he was just as capable as I am of being strong and compromising for me and he didn't do it. That speaks volumes. To this day I get angry when I think about all that he took from me (and I let him).
  11. I think I was codependent at one point in my last relationship. What I did was stay in the relationship until I knew it was really bad for me and I wasn't getting what I needed. I got to that point by focusing on making the rest of my life what I wanted it to be. I changed jobs for the better and finished school (I was going part time and working full time so I was stressed out a lot). I used to work with my ex so changing jobs also meant that I was no longer going to see him everyday. It's really important to have a stable support group. Use your friends and family as much as possible to give you support and stability. If you ignored or neglected any friendships then start them back up! And, of course, use this board for help, support and encouragement. I wish I had the strength to leave my relationship earlier than I had, but it was probably a really good learning experience for me (I am stilling healing). Best of luck to you.
  12. Thanks, randy. I have seen counselors in the past but they have never recommended meds for me and the counselors haven't really helped me much, either. In fact, the last one I saw made me feel worse. I stopped seeing her when she just couldn't give me a good reason to continue therapy. I have great friends and family that I can talk to about things (and this board helps, too) but when I am in a bad depressed phase it's not as simple as having a listening ear. I guess my question is more an inquiry as to how others deal with the physical aspects of depression (wanting to sleep, feeling sluggish and eating terribly) and the mental aspects of it (nothing seems fun, it's difficult to concentrate at work and not feeling social). Best of luck starting your meds. I have gotten really close to thinking about starting and at one point in my life I may choose to.
  13. How do others beat depression? I have had bouts of depression for as long as I can remember… phases that come and go. I've never been on meds (those that are close to me have suggested it). I find myself more tired that usual lately and am concerned that it may be a sign of an impending bout. Over time I have learned to just let myself sleep a lot and go through it without fighting it too much (and stay away from others so as not to inflict my mood on them). I also try to avoid too much sugar, if possible. I crave it, though, so sometimes it's more of a matter of balancing it out rather than not having sugar at all. And yes, I do exercise if I can get myself out of bed. Any other words of wisdom?
  14. Finewine, here's what I would do if I were you: BE SELFISH! How? Yes, forgive him. But forgive him for YOU, not for him. During a rough time in my relationship I started trying to figure out what forgiveness is and how and why to do it. With my trusty research guide Google, I found a whole lot of resources that explained and helped me realize that forgiveness can and should be a selfish act. Forgiveness will help you move on. Who the hell cares about his guilt, what YOU need is to be able to move on with your life and no longer put energy or time into hating this guy any longer. Yeah, you might make him feel better by forgiving him but what really matters is that forgiving him will make him GO AWAY and free you from him. He ain't worth your time. He sounds selfish. It's your turn to be selfish. Wouldn't it be kind of nice to say "I forgive you, it's not worth my energy to hold a grudge. I'm happy and I want to continue moving on with my life." In response to your specific questions: 1. Yes, he could love you. Is he a nutjob – most likely given what you have said. Don't know if it's a permanent condition or a result of the relationship and breakup. In any case, it doesn't matter. 2. Was he numb? I don't know. I think it's possible that things are just hitting him now. 3. Yes, forgive! For you, not him. 4. Trying to spare your feelings? That worked, right? I think this is a male thing I don't understand. My ex was silent a whole lot, too. Sometimes I think because he had no idea what to say and other times I know he wanted to avoid conflict. To summarize: Be selfish and forgive. It may feel like you are giving him what he wants but if he does feel guilty about things (as he should), he may be wanting you to be mean to him (it will be more difficult to feel guilty about treating you badly if you stoop to his level). You sound way too put together and strong to go that route!
  15. Once again I find myself wanting to contact my ex. I saw him last weekend and he obviously still loves me and is still in love with me from what he said and the way he looked at me. Before I saw him last weekend I was doing pretty well with the no contact but he broke me down with emails he sent. I haven't contacted him since and he has been adhering to NC as well. So now I am getting ready to make a big move in a couple months far, far away (which he knows about) and I am wanting to see him. Why? I don't think he'll ask me not to move and I don't want to stay here so I don't want him to. I am scared that seeing him will make the move more difficult but sometimes I just don't give a damn (like now). A part of me thinks that we are meant to be and may be together years from now when we are ready. Is this silly? When we first broke up I kept telling myself that everything will work out in the end and what is meant to be will be. Now I am deathly afraid that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life and never love again.... (but how would seeing my ex right now change that??) Someone just tell me that I am being ridiculous and if he really thought that we were meant to be and wanted to be with me he would be doing something about it!
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