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terk2021

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terk2021 last won the day on December 25 2007

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About terk2021

  • Birthday April 16

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  1. Chris, I can certainly feel for you. Have you thought about going to a marriage prep class or marriage counseling with her? It sounds like you both love each other very much. You have every right to have concerns about this. It is certainly something you don't want to have lingering out there going into a marriage. I would approach her about it. Marriage prep courses are usually taught at churches (and they are more about marriage, and not about preaching to you about religion) and last 1 hour on Sunday for 6 weeks. I wish you the best. I went through a bad breakup last year and canceled my wedding 4 weeks before it. My situation was completely different, but I am so glad I went to a marriage prep class. I really learned a lot... Feel free to private message me anytime if you want to talk more about it. Terk
  2. I am sorry to hear you had a bad weekend. It is definitely part of the healing process. Some people in this world (men and women) have either been so hurt in the past, and really have developed a sense of ability to block out emotion, or simply have never been hurt to understand what they have done to people, and just flat out don't care. I am glad to see you use the word "anger". To me, that's a sign of healing. It's not that you wish evil against someone that hurt you, but you understand that you were treated wrong by this person, and would not want to be with them again. Love is the most powerful emotion we can feel. When we lose it, it hurts like nothing else. I had a setback myself this weekend, and I am starting to learn that the only one I am hurting is myself. The best revenge is to live well, and understand that it's there loss. There is a man out there that is just waiting to treat you like a queen. You will find him. Keep your head up and keep moving forward. You deserve better. Terk
  3. It means she is on your mind. I am not a scientist, or have studied dreams. To me, they seem to give you a vision. Sometimes they come true, but sometimes they are just things we want that may never come true. I have found that the mornings are the hardest times when dealing with emotions of past relationships, or things that are weighing on your mind. I would not worry about it. They are good while they are happening though. It's just hard when you wake up. It's good to hear that you are healing though.
  4. I have been there. Don't think it's just because she is 23. I am 35, and believe me, it does not always get better. People go through stages in life. I have learned from my past 2 relationships that it has to do with where people are at in life. I was so full of myself, and my career until I was 30. Anytime a relationship got too close, work was more important. If there is one thing I have learned, when I go into my next relationship, there is going to be a lot of discussion about where we are at in life, what our individual goals are, and where we want to be in time. As far as the 1 nighters with frat guys? That's just a girl who is really unhappy with herself. She will wake up some day and have some regrets. It's all part of growing up. Believe me though, there are women in there 20s and 30s that go through that. It's some kind of power trip to think they can have anything they want. It's a sign of emotional immaturity, or a really messed up passed... I think in your words above, you know you are better off. Good luck my friend. Terk
  5. Just found out some things about my ex that really make it better that I am not with her, but it really hurts to find out... can I pm you?
  6. No one can really answer that question. Heartache is an art, not a science. When you love someone, it's the most incredible feeling in the world. When it falls apart, it's the exact opposite feeling in the world. There is so much advice out here about how to get over things, and ways that make the healing process quicker. I have been through 2 painful breakups in the past 4 years. Both I thought were leading to marriage. One broke up before engagement was even discussed. The other ended 3 weeks before our wedding date. There are people out there that can heal much faster than others. There is no magic formula. First off, it's good that you have not been in contact with him. Half of the battle is wondering what they are thinking and doing. Thinking "what if", "why", "what happened", and "is there anything I can do to fix it". When it 1st happens, it feels like the world is over. Many who post out here have gone through it, and most get over it in various ways over various lengths of time. You need to allow yourself to grieve, to get things off of your chest. Friends, family, church, or posting out here are great ways to do that. When I went through my 1st breakup of the person I thought I was going to spend my life with, I was devistated. I spent months on the couch and could care less about work, myself, and everything around me. All I wanted to do was figure out anything I could do to get the person back that I could not live without. I was not the type that keeping myself busy was going to fix things. It did not change what I wanted. About 3 months of that, and I was fortunate enough to have friends around me that would listen and be there for me, and finally dragged me out of the house to get me back into to living again. It was a gradual process. I dated many girls in a very short period of time, only to realize that all I wanted to do was be back with the one I loved. Gradually, things got better. I met someone that I actually liked, or it might have been that I finally healed enough to give this person a chance. Well, we dated and fell in love. Granted, that relationship did not work out, and I almost felt twice as bad. This relationship went all the way to engagement and 3 weeks prior to a wedding. So, I have been in a grieving process for the past 6-8 months. It's been harder in many ways, but less in others. I have my ups and downs. The 1st 2 months of this year were great, but I found myself going through a down stage right now. I am not writing to explain my story, but I just want to let you know that things do get better. For everyone, it takes different amounts of time, and different things that help us heal. We are human, and we have hearts. When they get broken, there is no worse feeling on the face of the earth. I am not sure of the whole story of your relationship, but it's a horrible feeling to feel you have lost the one person you see yourself with for the rest of your life. It's happened to me twice. I am hoping 3rd time is a charm. I will give you one positive here though. You sound like someone that has a lot of love to give, and there is that person out there that will give you everything you are looking for and more. It sounds like this guy is just not the one. It's easy to sit out here and give advice, or try and share personal experiences with you to give hope that things can and will get better. The reality is right now it's a world that you are living in and no one else is. I hope you have family and friends around you that are there for you. You always have enotalone to turn to. We have all been through some form of heartache, and have dealt with it in different ways. There are some incredible people on this site here willing to listen, offer advice, and most importantly, offer support. I feel for what you are going through, and I hope you will use these channels to help you get through it. terk
  7. It sounds like she does not know who she is, or what she wants. It's tough to want to be with someone in that situation. I do have some good news for you though. You know what you want. What I mean by that is you want to be with someone, and in a relationship. What she is going through really has nothing to do with you personally. I went through 2 very bad breakups over the past few years. Both were the result of both women not knowing what they wanted at the time. My best advice for you is to leave it alone for now and not have contact with her. It's best not to know what she is doing. I am experiencing that right now with my ex (relationship ended about 8 months ago). She is traveling, getting serious into work, and dating multiple people and neglecting her daughter. I blamed myself for the longest time that it was something I did that made the relationship end. We were 3 weeks away from a wedding. The reality is, she does not know who she is or what she wants. Trust me, you really do not want to be with someone like that. I have made that mistake twice in the past 3-4 years. Both relationships ended. I eventually ended them myself. I pushed to get them back, and thought I made a big mistake by ending them, but I know that if and when I get into another serious relationship, I am going to make sure that she knows what she wants in life. She may be the one for you. It's just that it's not right now. Anything you do now could just completely close the door on any future with her. She has to go through this stage of life on her own. I know it's very hard. She may realize the mistakes she is making now in her life, and want to come back to you some day. It could be in weeks, months, or a year or 2 from now. It's best to move on that she is not coming back. If she does, than you need to make sure that she is ready for what you are ready for. I wish you the best. I have been there. Please remember, this is something she has to deal with on her own.
  8. As the website says, enotalone. You are not alone my friend. Most of us out here are going through similar things, or have been through similar things and want to come out here and share experiences as to what they have gone through and how they have heeled from them. I have been posting here for 8 months about my story, and I will tell you, there are ups and downs, and they don't go away for a while. Being in love can be the most incredible feeling on the face of the earth. When we are with someone that makes us feel so wonderful, nothing can replace it. When that goes away, the feelings are virtually the exact opposite. I have been battling internally to ask "what if", "why", "how", "what can I do". I did that for so long. Some people can just end a relationship whether being the dumpee or dumper and just simply move on and accept it for what it is. I am not one of those people. I do know that a few years ago, I had a relationship come to an end and I could not get off of the couch for at least 3 months. I did not care about myself, my job, or anyone or anything around me. I am not sure exactly what snapped me out of it, but having my friends basically drag me off the couch and get me out helped alot. I started going out and meeting people again. I dated at least 6 or 7 people in as many months. In reality, no one was the one that I felt ruined my world months ago. I found someone else, that within a few dates, I forgot all about the one from my past. Was it time? Was it her? I will never know exactly what flipped the switch. I think it's that I finally let my past go, and learned that the person in front of me was someone that I liked. That relationship went very far and became very close to marriage (another long story in many posts I have out on this site). We did not get married, and I found myself right back where I was just a few years ago. The couch became my home again, I could care less about my job, and anything else around me. Well, that was 8 months ago. I was off the couch a little quicker, and started going out again and having fun. The difference her was I bought my latest heartbreak a house for her and her 6 year old daughter that virtually became my daughter for the 1.5 years we were together. I started to heal quicker from this one, but the reminders are 10 times more painful because I walk into the dream house I bought them every day. I am just glad her name was no where to be found on the paperwork. I had a great few months the past 2 after getting through the roughest holiday season of my life, but some things have come back into my life with my ex to deal with things, and memories come right back up. So, I am not heading back to the couch, but I am going to hurt for a few weeks over this. If there was a magic formula to get over what most of us on this board have gone through, someone would be a very, very rich person for coming up with it. I just wanted to share some of my experiences over the past few years with you. I don't know if it helps or not. There are many posts on how to heal out there on this site. It hurts to read some of the stories we have all gone through, but it's good to read some of the advice people have given. Everyone heals differently. Some are: -writing down your thoughts and keeping a journal -develop personal goals that you are in control of and no one else is -remember who you were before you got into this relationship -dive deeper into work and set some personal achievement goals -get back out there -join a group There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking time to grieve and go through a period of wanting to do nothing. It's natural, because we are all human. I am not a very religious person, but I keep in touch with some of the ministers of the church I go to on occasion. I will meet with them occasionally during the week. The one thing that sticks with me is that God has a plan. This person hurt me more than she will ever know, and most likely does not care. They tell me that there is a plan for me, and I need to go on and keep living life. It's the hardest things to do sometimes. I do know this though. If I never got off of my couch the 1st time, I would have never met the person I was going to marry. Granted, it did not work out and I am suffering from it, but I know that when I am able to heal from this, I will find someone that will be the one for me. I wish you the best. Please keep writing out here. Tell us more about your story. No one will have a magic answer, but some of the replies you will get will be from people that have been there, and the ways they were able to heal. You deserve to be happy. We all do.
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  10. It sounds like you are going through a tough time right now. It sounds like you are both successful in your careers. That is great for you individually. Relationships are about priorities. Careers are important, but there is a popular saying "live to work". I was so into my career for many, many years. It did pay off in many ways. What suffered? My personal life. Both people in a relationship have to be ready for balance in their lives. For a long time, I was not. My relationships suffered, but at the time, it did not bother me too much. That could be because I had not find the right person, or I simply was not ready. In either case, it takes 2 people to make a relationship work. Don't miss understand me. A career is very important for personal achievement. It's important for both people in the relationship to have personal, as well as mutual goals. A relationship is about sacrifice as well. Our careers are important, but we are not saving the world. Everyone's opinion on "space" differs. As for me, I think of space as break up. It means you are apart. It's only my thoughts, but I would let him know how you feel, and what you are looking for in the relationship. That may mean working less hours, or passing up on a few opportunities, to be able to be with the one you want to be with (on both parts). If you want more out of your relationship, and he is putting his emphasis on his career more than you, than it would be good to maybe take a break until he figures out his priorities. There are many ways to have a solid career, and a balanced life. It may mean giving up part of personal goals, but ultimately developing mutual goals in it's place.
  11. ohnny, I have been following the posts up above. You have been leading with your heart over your head. It's amazing what happens to us when our heart takes control. Are you insecure and needy? Probably not. You are just in a position where you see something so incredible in front of you that you want to go after it. You are human, and love is a powerful force. I have to commend Frisco up above, and what he has to say. When I started writing here on this site, he pegged me from the start, and had the best advice that would have me so far ahead of where I would be right now. I look at when my relationship 1st started to fall apart. I was truly miserable. She took the 1st steps in ending the relationship, and I had enough and kicked her out of the house (nothing violant), but just said get out. When I chased (after feeling I made a big mistake), she came back twice for short periods of time, only to break up again. She was not sure what she wanted. I think when people ask for space, it's saying, "I need to go figure things out and I will let you know". The best advice I received, and I wish I would have followed it back in the day was to let her know how I feel, let her know what I wanted, and if she was not ready for it, than I had to move on in life. At the time, I just did not have the strength to do it. If I ever fall into this situation again, I am going to though. It's been a really tough 8 months. Is this an ultimatum? No. You should not need to draw a definite line in the sand. Tell her to take her space and figure out what she wants. If and when she decides that she mutually wants the things that you expressed, then come back to you. Everything else in the middle is just pure torture. It sounds like you are fairly strong, and have a good grasp on what's going on with her. Take time and space with no, or very limited contact, and reflect on your relationship and get out and experience new things. I think that each of us that post out here come from similar stories, but each are slightly unique in there own rights. Sure, it's nice to have them in your life when you have them, but when you are apart, it feels worse than the 1st time it happened. I wanted to leave you with one final thought. When I heard it, it really clicked for me. I was talking with a friend from church (I am not very religious, but go every few weeks). He said something very comforting to me one time, that has stuck with me since he said it last year. I know you are in a very tough place right now (my story is posted all over her about the disaster I went through last year), but you have to remember that you are the one who knows what you want, she is not. She broke it off with you, but you have a plan, a purpose, and a direction in life. She is confused about all 3 of those things. These could be God's signs that she is not the one for you, or that she truly does need a period of alone time to reflect on what she needs. That puts you in a better place. Right now, you probably want her, but could it be that you want what she represents as well. If it's her, and you know you want her, you have to take her for what she is worth right now. It really does not sound like you want to be right back there again. It's time for her to step and become a part of the relationship you want. Not for you, but for her and the both of you. If not, it could just be bad timing, and giving her time alone to reflect will provide you with answers. You may decide at that time you do not even want to be with her anymore. She may come around after a period of time, and at that point, it's time to sit down, express your feelings mutually, and determine if and when a relationship should start from there. Don't be down on yourself, if she does not turn out to be the one, you have started to heal and moved on. If she comes back, and you work it out, that would be great. Just give it a little time and space and see what happens. In the mean time, go out and hang out with friends, have fun, and keep with the rest of the world going on a round you. Terk
  12. It was good of him to pay you back. You should not worry about thanking him for it. It took a long time for him to do it. It was your money. My ex owes me a bunch more than that. Truthfully, I wrote it off a long time ago. I was really able to find out what kind of person she was from that one... I would just cash it, and do something great for yourself.
  13. First off, you do not sound like someone pathetic. You sound like a caring person that is in love, and does not want your relationship to end. Some, if not most of us out here have been there. The worst thing you can do is beat yourself up for your actions. Much of the advice that comes from this board come from peoples experiences. In reality, when you are in that situation, your heart has more control over you than your mind. So, don't beat yourself up. You are human, and you have feelings. My ex knew exactly how to pull my strings. I am not sure where she found the manual on me, but she did. After our big breakup, she came back twice. Why? Because she knew she could. She left after each time, and asked for the dreaded "space" word. There are mixed opinions on "space" on this board. To me, space = it's over for now. If they come back, it's a new start and issues need to be resolved from there. The other part that's tough is worrying about what he thinks. Right now, it does not matter. There are so many opinions out here on how to handle situations. Some people out there have been through so much heartache from relationships, or family and growing up, that they become jaded individuals. They learn how to bury feelings and have a "so what" attitude if relationship Smart ex's know how to pull strings. They know how to get you back when they want, and leave when they want. The key is, don't let them do it. Why do I say this, because my ex walked all over me. She knew how to do it very well. It's been 8 months, and I have very limited contact with her, but each time I do, I still get down. Some ex's have power over us until our heads can catch up to our hearts and tell it no. We learn from these experiences. Every person is built different, and there are no steadfast rules on how all of this works. If there is to be "space" and "time" to figure things out, I would try and consider this book shut. That does not mean that down the road your ex may not come back. Last but not least, if he thinks you are pathetic, he does not deserve you. It really hurts when someone puts that label on you, or you feel that they feel that way. That just means to me that he never knew who you were, or you are just finally seeing what type of person your ex truly is. You are not pathetic, and you deserve to be happy. It sounds like he is not making you happy. I have been going through something very similar, and now 8 months later, the pieces are starting to come together, and I am realizing who she was for her actions, not the 1st year of our relationship. Close this chapter and move on as best as possible.
  14. Have you said anything about it to her? These could be her true interests and what she likes to do. She may have learned them from her past, but she is not with him anymore, she is with you. Surprise her with some of the things that you like to do. Relationships are about give and take. Do you ever run into this guy at the places you are going to? You could try and be discrete about it and ask her if there are other things she likes to do, or if she would be interested in trying something you like. If it becomes a real problem for you, I would be subtle about it and confront her. Let her know how you feel. You do not sound like the jealous type. It may be something she is not really aware of she is doing, or that it is bothering you.
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