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sfindependent

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  • Birthday 10/21/1979

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  1. Thanks all.... feeling my feelings. Batya! Good to see you here 🙂
  2. Not so much a boundary, but a reason Background #1: we have been dating long distance/ open for 2 years now. Background #2: ive been struggling with finances for the past 6mos. So much so i cant havent paid rent and will have to defer a car payment and a power bill for this month. She knows im actively.working on my financial powers. We havent seen each other in 3 mos, and have plans to see each other in a month. But she wanted to come and see me a week after my bday to visit me in town, 3 weeks before our planned visit at hers. Her point: visit me ahead of time because i havent seen each other before then. Trip would essentially be free for her and i wouldnt pay for anything. My point: id rather keep the meet up because id be poor, distracted and would essentially feel like am loser for not being able to shoulder any costs whatsoever. Her point: a relationship should be being there for the other. My point: i dont feel capable of supporting myself and essentially feel like a charity cause. I dont want that and i want to be able to at least have some disposable cash to at least get groceries. Or dinner. She essentially broke up with me because she didnt feel like im prioritizing the relationship. I shouldve said yes and accepted her help and let her be a good partner. But im not feeling like a good partner if i cant, as misogynistic as this may sound, be able to provide something on the proverbial table at least. Should i have let her come even if i felt like i couldnt be present for her when she visits?
  3. Thanks people. I do wanna help, but honestly I don't think its my place to help and give her resources and such. It would most likely trigger her rather than think im being a friend. to put in context, when we were talking, I had a hard time pin pointing out why it was so difficult to talk to her especially when she's distressed. It was always arguing about how things made her feel and I always felt bogged down because no matter how I agreed or argued or tried to communicate with her, her emotions were at the forefront of her argument. She said I made her feel invalidated. Convos would go "that made me feel..." "thats not what happened". And so on. For her her feelings are true and used it constantly as her compass in life. Looking back at the breaking point of our relationship, she insisted I left her alone when I promised I wouldn't. And I didn't, not until she made me mad and I had to walk away for a few minutes. To her, that was enough excuse to say I left her and me prove her wrong. I mean, how can I argue with someone that thinks that way? I mean if she felt uncomfortable, she could have had a variety of responses to let us know she was upset but her choosing this path and blaming me for how she felt alone and breaking my promise etc seems a bit targeted. Its like she cant process her own feelings in a healthy way. I cant for the life of me figure out how to talk to her. Which is why, asking what I would do if I were my client, I'd say go no contact and let my positive energy flourish rather than be bogged down.
  4. Like, I know things arent gonna get better. But why am i bent on trying to make it better when i'm the one pulling the weight? I don't see her trying to past her "emotional reasonings". "i feel this" I felt that". I do not like invalidating thoughts or feelings, but when she accuses me of something I do not do, or have done by mistake (she thinks it's intentional) or when "you don't care" when I forget something she requested.... or forget a memory... she interprets it as "i don't care" when I've told her several times "my behavior isn't exclusive against you. I forget things and I try not to. But i can't. i can't control my memory". And it is really bad. i forget whole conversations, whole activites, and to her, these are all against her when it's literally towards everyone. my memory makes me feel shtty but i try to make it up by being present and thoughtful when I can. it's cliche, but in my head if 'remembering' is a love language, i try to make it up by acts of service or words of affirmation. Anyway, i feel like a failure for not being able to care for her and for the downfall of our relationship. I have way more successful relationships I'm trying to cultivate, but i can't help but have lingering feelings about my failures in this one.
  5. On top of that, she's an adult. If she felt uncomfortable with the situation, she could have left, taken a break, walked around, anything! And yet she chose this path. Speaks more about her maturity than anything else. I know for a fact I would have left or have done something else if I were in her position.
  6. Thanks people. I feel, even at this time if the emotional abuse of being told that my love wasn't enough, or that I didn't care, and me constantly having to prove it, is valid. I wanna reach out and reason with her but 7 years of trying to give reason to my actions, whether it be unintentional or non-personal, has not yielded any changes in her mindset. When she reached out to my friend, that felt like a turning point. I was having a private conversation with someone and she invaded that space, no matter the topic of my conversation. And regardless of what I had told my friend about the ex, should have been private. She should have know better. To her "youre talking crap about me,to your friend who you barely know?" She felt disrespected, but to me it was the better option than talking to someone we both knew and cam affect their relationship. Anyway, regardless. Given my distant view of how toxic this was, why do I still have these feelings of trying to prove myself to her?
  7. Hahahahahah hey I searched for BPD and this is what I got! Lolololpllol it works tho hahahag
  8. Going through similar things. I dont know if im doing the right thing by going unannounced no contact
  9. *** I am a mental health clinician, and despite being enmeshed in this toxic relationship, emerging from it has been challenging but eye opening. Saying I think she has borderline personality is stated with utmost care and mindfulness about keeping my biases at arms length and focusing more on the clinical symptoms she's manifesting. I was just too hor*y to see the forest for the trees. ** Slowly emerging from this relationship after a trainwreck of a night with my ex/ex friend, I am struggling with NC. It's been years of hate and control. I didn't see it until recently. the guilt trips, the "you don't care, you lie" statements, the vitriol and the constant misinterpretation of my actions and believing they're intended with malice. She always said "you hurt me" or some variation of being hurt by the things I do, regardless of how mundane or innocuous it could be. Granted, I did my own f ups, such as being not being mindful of her requests i.e. hang alone etc. I know I have my own growth to conduct. I myself have told her I felt like walking on egg shells with her, on how sensitive she is to everything. That being said, there's been a lot of chaos in our relationship. One thing that stood out was that her mentioning "why are you the only one who does that, and only to me? you're super nice to your friends but when it comes to me, it's lying and being unsupportive and catering to their every whim" < --- almost verbatim, but the gist is the same. She's right. While I do have my own failed relationships, they are far and in between. Most of whom are also not great people who affected me in my daily life. And my faults, as a recently diagnoses ADHD'er, I've worked on/ working on with mindfulness and therapy. I have for the most part, have great relationships now with my current partners (i'm ENM) and my lovers. Obviously there are challenges, but it's mostly loving and my friends i've kept, have learned to appreciate my imperfections associated with my ADHD (forgetfulness, being late constantly etc). For the sake of being clear, I did a time line on this post so you can see the transition. 09/23 I had a huge "breakup" fight with my ex friend/ex two weeks ago. I thought i was being explicitly clear about my plans and my intentions and with my "making sure she's comfortable at a party" but it ended up with her accusing me of playing her, lying to her, being manipulative and deserting her in a party, while with my other online friend whom i just met in person that evening. 09/24: Because of this outburst, the hate texts and angry calls started. 09/28 it hit a point where she started demanding my friend's phone number to "tell her we both got played" naturally I said no i won't give her her number but she ended up finding it in one of the screen shots I had sent her. It was chaos. Sometime during this period, Ex eventually connected with my friend. Whatever Ex said to convince my friend to share screen shots of our convo I have no idea. But ex showed me later on that screen shot and said "ive multiple evidences of you telling her this" It was a screen shot of me venting to my new friend that I felt my ex has a mental health issue. 09/30 Sometime during this period, Ex eventually connected with my friend. she managed to get my friend's number from a screen shot I had sent earlier. Whatever Ex said to convince my friend to share screen shots of our convo I have no idea. But ex showed me later on a screen shot and said "ive multiple evidences of you telling her this" It was a screen shot of me venting to my new friend that I felt my ex has a mental health issue. first of, it's none of her business what I talk to and who i talk to people about, but I told her "would you have rather me speak with people we know about how I feel, or a random stranger?" she obviously didn't believe that or thought that was a better option. Funny though, is that she's been telling me she's been telling everyone about what I had done, and i'm here just keeping things under a lid as best I can to save our faces from embarrassment. I offered to go to a mediator or counselor to see if our communication could be worked on but her response was "why so you can lie and make me look like the bad guy?" I never win and with BPD's, you never will. 10/05 We havent reached out to each other at this point. I ended up blocking her completely because I feel no matter how apologetic I am, or how mundane something was, it will always be a big deal for her. She will always be mad at me one way or another. and besides, if she's told her parents about me, what else is there for me to come back to? SHe's managed to make everything I do, bad for her, or at least an attack against her. I cannot keep trying to convince someone oi care about them or that I'm not lying to them, or being explicity explicit all the time. It's exhausting. And yet, i'm still here ruminating over my loss over a friend still. I can't shake off the feeling that I should have announced my no contact and offered her a final "if you wanna get better you know what I am willing to do" kind of email. I dont know. I know it's pointless but I feel that, despite me and friends telling me to focus on myself rather than her, she's not in a great place. I wanna be there for my friend but what can I do? I feel backed into a corner. I feel i shouldnt have blocked her. I feel I shouldve done more.
  10. Hey Folks! Long time member here, but haven't gone back in HELLA long. Anyway, i've a question, given I'm getting older, with a GREAT diagnosis of ADHD, with an emphasis on not being great with money, i've come to the conclusion that I need assistance and help from someone. The problem is, I don't know where to start. Here's my issues: 1) long standing debt 2) Poor Credit 3) some missed tax payments 4) good income 5) want to invest 6) want to make my money grow. 7) need to save. There's so many to choose from i'm not sure where to turn to... Do i turn to a CPA? a tax attorney? a financial counselor? Where do I start? I'm in california. thanks folks!
  11. thanks, people. I was having my usual therapy sesh and I came to one of a more logical explanation. Part of why I'm hung up on remaining connected with her, is yes. I truly deeply madly (cue Savage Garden) love her. I was most committed to her as much as I can, with what I was given. I F'd up hard, and I hurt her and I acknowledge my fault and my weaknesses. But another thing I recognized lately is that, part of why i'm stuck on her is that, emerging from rebirthing myself with awareness of my mental health and triggers and what and how I behave, I want to show her, and myself that I am capable of loving someone. When I was with her, I loved her, but I didn't know how to show it. I said/ did things to hurt her and that's not what loving is. I KNOW in my mind that that's not what love is, but then, again, my brain didn't know how to act or to give or to be loving. I hate myself for not being able to truly show her my true self, or at least for the time being the effort, im doing to reach my full potential for giving the love I had inside.
  12. it's been a year, to the date, when she left. And I miss her as much. It's been a long year for me. I really took a deep dive into looking into what drove me to do the things I did, that hurt her. Honestly some of the things I said I'd never do, from past relationships, resurfaced in our relationship. I'm in therapy now. I know I wasn't a good partner (even though i thought I was) and i'm realizing my traumas reflected the way I see and handled my relationships. I mostly didn't know how to communicate my needs, came out that I was insensitive, uncaring, aloof, distant. I didn't mean to be the way I did. I was also recently diagnosed with adult ADHD and have been prescribed some meds. it wasn't all bad. we had great times. we made it work. But I wasn't strong enough to be someone who gave her respect, affection and love. The last time we talked, she initiated it. And i feel the changes I had been trying to do reflected on our conversation. She said she couldn't handle being friends at the moment and needed time to process things still. This was months ago. I messaged her casually over a memory we shared on FB (we're not friends on FB) and instead, she blocks me from all platforms. I had not once reached out or ran after her or begged or pleaded. I've admitted to my faults and truly broke that trust she had, especially at her lowest time. I'm not the greatest. But Im striving to be. Anyway, it's been a year. me and my friends have noticed a difference in me. And I notice a difference with how I handle my relationships, platonic or otherwise (family etc). I wish she knew how much remorse I felt hurting her. I wish she knows I'd dig deep into my personal traumatic hell just to be a better man for someone like her. I know these things take time, and I should focus on myself and I am. I know she probably won't ever reach out. But in some way I hope she knows I've got a lot more to offer her now, than who I was a year ago. Happy Break Up anniversary.
  13. I really tried. I told you from the get go that I was in the midst of an awakening from monogamy to polyamory which, you were very clear you didnt want. I told you I wanted to work it out with you. We didn't know how but I was damn ok with opening up with you and trying to find a common ground. the first year was great. You told me that you needed to establish trust and love between us. I told you, we don't need to do anything poly at the time, but just take the time to remind me you know that part of me, acknowledge it and make me think you love me as a whole. I know I f'd up when i downloaded a dating app without consulting you. I was wrong for not bringing this up. But I feel i'm not the only one to blame. I'd take the time to remind you through humorous memes, through sending you articles, through telling you why and where I probably learned polyamory from. But it never came. It was vilified. You explicitly reminded me that you have no intention to understand who i was fully. What was I to do? Everything else about us worked. I was willing to go to the otherside of the country. i wanted to work but i had a need that needed to be fulfilled and you never wanted to understand who and why my mind worked the way it worked. you begrudgingly went with me a couple of poly parties and a couple of sex parties but i told you there's more to what and why i believed in about connection. then even worse was your luck this year. Natural disasters, covid and unemployment and the difficulty of finding a job. Depression hit you and I couldnt make you feel happier. I just did my thing, lived my life. And now we're here. at the end. will you ever want to try to make it work?
  14. i'm pushing myself hard to become a goddamned better person. I feel sometimes i'm stuck like a hamster in a wheel. but i've lived my life with a lot of "screw it, i'll throw myself in". and i am. part of me wishes you were here so i can share with you the things you wanted me to do before. But now, in an act of self preservation, you've most likely closed and burned off all the bridges that you and i ever shared. the unrealistic side of me thinks there's still a chance. But we both know things will never happen again.
  15. i can feel things moving on for me, and it's in the direction you wanted me to go so badly. I'm sorry. I wish i can take this journey with you, but I feel a lot of things have been burned to the ground. Your relationship with my friends; my reputation with yours. I feel like i"m chasing something i don't even know if i want. I miss what we had until things started changing. I was crazy in love with you and the more i felt it, the more i denied it. i was afraid of what i was losing to gain and get closer to you. I know a lot of it was my fault on why we had to break up. In a sense, i suppose it was not meant to be. Just missing you.
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