Anotherday

Hah, I am embarrassed to admit this, but we've rarely had sex (yet another reason I question his relationship). It gets worse, but I can't even bring myself to mention it here. Suffice to say I wondered exactly what the nature of his "roommate" relationship was the very first night I was with him via one of my senses. I've decided to not answer his calls anymore. Whatever his deal is, he is abusive and it will only get worse. I am sort of relieved, even though I sort of ate too much today. Oh well. I really appreciate all of your replies! It really helped me just to get some input. I don't deserve what has happened and only I can stop it by permanently walking away. Let him have his roommate. Good riddance and now it's time to work on me and figure out how I let this happen. You enotaloners are the best.

BSBH, considering you knew him as a friend for ten years, it must have been VERY hard, especially in light of your honesty. His BIG loss. I don't know what is up, but I did call him and confront him. The old me would have done this and I'm tired of backing down. At first he said that message didn't say that (and I heard his "roommate" say she hadn't changed the message since last night, when the same message did not play). Of course he told me not to be an a-hole. Then he called me back and said the message said that, but it wasn't her voice. Then he said he got the phone from someone he didn't know and it was their message. Then he said he cannot even erase or record new messages. Well, if that is the case how come I heard two different messages last night and tonight? And after a year, I think I know her voice. Still, the hardest thing to believe is that he would lie about this. He told me I owed the TWO of them an apology and I said fine, invite me over and I'll humbly apologize to both of you. He said he will when he is good and ready. Interspersed in the conversation, he managed to call me an a-hole, an idiot and mental (truth is I do have bipolar disorder and he uses it against me all the time). Then he asked me if I felt like making him crab stuffed mushrooms (he had purchased mushrooms for $6 and didn't want to see me use them in spaghetti), then got very angry with me because I couldn't remember what he'd said a few sentences back. So, he started swearing and hung up on me for that. Yes, I know I must seem like a nutcase for having stayed in this. Truth is, I've never been with someone like him and he wasn't that way when we started. Too, he's done his best to convince me I am just imagining things and being my crazy bipolar self. I've been this way my whole life and have achieved a few more things than him, so he has some nerve! Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience with me. Thanks to everyone who has answered. He is probably lying, but the old "I really cannot believe he'd lie to me" message is still in my head.

I just read your thread and am glad you're doing well. Thing is, while reading it I had the feeling your instincts were right the whole time and it seemed obvious (to me) what you knew. Thing is, I have the cheap seat and was not emotionally invested in your situation, so I understand your checking it out back then. Am I am emotionally invested in this so I probably am questioning what I know inside. I can relate to the timing of the phone calls, although he's called me when he is at home with her. There were weekends that would go by but he always called me on Monday. I never questioned him as to what he did. The only thing I can come up with is they could have some sort of "open" relationship and maybe she is pulling in the reins, hence her picking up dinner on Valentine's day for them (a normal person would have had dinner with their SO and not roommate, of course unless she IS the SO). Still doesn't explain the "you've reached the Joneses" message this a.m. though. I just want to not lose my resolve here and get sucked into another story. Very early on every instinct was making me say, "I cannot do this." Then there was the Easter cancellation where he didn't know he had to work Easter Sunday until 9 p.m. Saturday night (yeah right, he has Presidents Day off but was forced to work on Easter and he works a day shift M-F job). Something is not right.

He blames me for everything. If I didn't do what I do he wouldn't do what he does. And there is something shady here. Thanks for your replies. My thoughts are he'll go to the highest bidder. It just won't be me. I think that's been part of my charm honestly, as I am not broke and he is. It's not fun wondering if someone is just with you in part for that reason and he has taken advantage of me in that area. He has told me he's high maintenance and that all he has to do is stand on a street corner and the women will come. He's also told me no one else will ever endure my "issues" as he has. I've believed him on both counts.

Oh my goodness, that bolded statement just stopped me in my tracks, until I realized that the name being used isn't his last name or hers. Still, if he has some "alternate" lifestyle and they are swingers, maybe they could be using this name as an AKA. The only other reason for the message I could think of might be to evade collectors, but I could think of a million rationalizations at this point. Boy, I've eaten three candy bars and don't want to look too hard. He did say we should have her over to my place. That was before Christmas. He has told me she gives him looks like...I don't want to tell you what to do but why are you involved with her? He has told me I've been rude to her when I have not. BTW, he'd say no if I suggested I come over and make them dinner. Thanks for your thread. I'll read it and then respond back. I appreciate your sharing it with me.

I agree. I don't want to know/need to know anything else. But I am looking for affirmation that I am doing the right thing. I hate to jump to conclusions, as there is enough wrong here that I should have walked away a long time ago. And if I talk to him he WILL probably lie to me or probably make something up and I'll find a way to rationalize this in my head and that is what I fear. Better I just write the letter and be wrong about the outgoing message on the machine. I just don't want to overreact and he'll tell me I'm crazy if I confront him on this.

No, I just used Jones. The name used isn't all that common and I had to look up different spellings. I just don't want to say it here.

Well, it's everything combined. I went over to his house once and he absolutely refused to let me come in. We got into a huge argument and my wanting to see where he lives has sort of fallen by the wayside. He never let me come in that night and then got really angry and yelled at me to go up to his door and meet his roommate. Of course, I didn't. He had dinner with his roommate on Valentine's Day before he came over, but this is supposedly because I caused problems the night before on the phone. He stayed a bit over and hour and then walked out on me again, supposedly because I started a problem. I've never seen his drivers license and he adamantly refuses to let me. I've spent three holidays with him and he's left early on each one, again over something I have done to cause a problem. Something doesn't add up. My curiosity is getting the better of me, plus I don't want to cry any sooner than I have to. I guess that's why I am focusing on what's really going on right now. I feel like such a FOOL writing all of this, as I should have stopped things long ago. Oh well, better late than never.

I've seen his work badge which has the name I've known him by. I've checked out his roommate on the Internet and she goes by a different name but the address and phone number check out. I spent Thanksgiving with his family. His roommate is supposedly not the kind of woman who attracts much attention or dates. I don't know what to think anymore. Lately he just blows up and walks out on me or hangs up on me. Of course, I am provoking him and it's all my fault because I'm the one with the issues (according to him). Today is another holiday, so of course I won't hear from him at all or not until later. I plan to put his stuff in my backyard so that he can retrieve his stuff. I just need notice so I don't put it out there and it sits. I don't have to even open up my door or ever see him again. I want to know the truth from him but I don't, if that makes sense. This is why I am looking for input here. Thanks all.

I have been seeing someone on and off for the past year. I have never seen where he lives nor ever met his roommate, who is a woman. He always says...when you see my place, etc. and swears they are just friends. Today I called him and his roommate had recorded a new message saying I had reached the Jones (fictitous name). I was shocked and called back a second time to reconfirm but I didn't hear it wrong. It's another holiday so of course I won't see him today and he failed to tell me last night he had today off. In one year we've spent three holidays together, but he's cut out early on each one. He's refused to let me see his driver's license and I've never understood as I know where he lives, how old he is, and when I've called him at home there's never been an issue with his roommate passing the phone to him. I've believed him all this time. I cannot understand why I got that message this a.m., as neither one of them has that last name. Am I jumping to conclusions (about his being married?) Is there any other way to look at this? I already went to see my therapist this a.m. and told my therapist I needed to back away from this relationship, but I sure wasn't expecting that message this a.m. I am just numb and I wish I'd stay that way but I know I will not. I dread it when the numbness wears off and I plan to send him a letter tomorrow to end thingss and have no intention of ever answering the phone again (unless he leaves me a message he wants to come over and get his things). He has an explosive temper so a letter is the best way to go, I think. Any thoughts are welcome.

Yes, but no one signs up for my issues. They just are. I do take the medication I am prescribed and go to support groups. I normally don't ask much of him, but that night got to me. As things stand, I'll know better next time. I'll deal with it on my own. I can understand that panic makes someone want to yell, but I can see how getting cursed at would not be good. Does your GF take any meds or receive any type of therapy? My panic attacks set in at 19 and have come and gone over the years. I do avoid certain situations (bridges, tunnels, and the like), so mine are usually pretty scarce in terms of number of panic attacks. I'm a big believer in psychopharmacology. Back then, they didn't have all the fancy drugs they do now, so I sort of suffered through things by myself. Nowadays, there are so many resources to help out with psych issues and the stigma around them has dropped off (not gone, but lessened). That is a step in the right direction.

Thanks. No I do not have a support group, but being here in this forum helps. I almost forgot what happened in December. I'd given him a very nice ring and he accused me of stealing it. He spent the night here and then woke up and accused me. He called me a f'ing lying sack of sh*t over that one. He kept calling me telling me "it had better turn up" and that he'd be over later to find it. I tore that bedroom apart, only to have him call me the next night and tell me it was in his pocket. Of course, I really drank over that one. This is probably the worst thing he ever did to me. The ring meant so much to him, according to him, and yet he said those things to me. Does not add up. I am going to end it for good. I've been reading some abuse stuff and it doesn't get better. Most of the time they never seek help, as they don't think they have a problem. They just blame it on the person they abuse. It's sad, but happens far too often. I really do feel better about ending things now, and am so happy I did not drink tonight, as I'd feel horrible about it (it's been 27 days now) and he's not worth it.

Thank you, I agree. I am not drinking now so he can't tell me he didn't say such and such any longer. I told him I won't be his doormat yesterday and also had told him a while back he takes me for granted. Since you said the same things, I know I am not crazy, even if I do have that label. Tonight was tough and I really thought about drinking, but did not. I am just hanging on by a thread these past few nights, with regards to my not drinking. It is so hard.

I've been on and off with someone and think I hit the wall. A few nights ago he told me my phone calls are no more important than anyone else's and then reiterated that the following day and told me I was no prima donna. I was having a panic attack of sorts and called his house thinking he'd be there for me. His roommate answered and all she said (like so many times) is...can he call you back, with no explanation as to why he could not take my call. I got upset and asked him to get on the phone going forward to tell me himself he'd call me back. I've known him for one year and never been to his place (he won't let me) nor met the roommate. I don't believe they have anything going on, but why can't I see where he lives? To complicate matters, I am bipolar and also just quit drinking recently after a short hospitalization for detox. I try to check myself to see if I am overreacting all the time. He tells me my issues make him act as he does and that he doesn't have my issues, which is true. Nonetheless, he has told me I am stupid on more than one occasion and calls me names like doofus and dingbat. He's stood me up (in the past) and never celebrated my birthday (and I was very nice for his) and never takes me anywhere (he's taken me to dinner twice in 10 months and I've cooked a LOT for him). The other day he told me he is high maintenance, which I take to mean a one-way street with me doing all the giving. Any opinions are welcome, but I feel he is mentally abusive so that is why this post is here.

No, unless he were to say something like...hey baby, wanta come back to my place tonight? I've had lots of male friends I wasn't interested in and, unless they come on too strong, they don't creep me out. I think the thing to do is to remember, friends first.