Mackenzie

Thanks Elena I've never thought of things that way before. Regardless I'm going to see my family doctor because I just can't stand the feeling. I'm just really scared to do so. As for becoming more involved in things, I have been told to do that and I've tried. I just seem to lose interest in things really easily. I volunteered so that I could help others even if I was unhappy with myself, but I quit because I thought I wasn't much help. I try keeping myself busy reading but I can never focus anymore because my mind is always somewhere else. I'm not asking to become Pollyanna or anything, but I wish I could appreciate things more, the way I used to. I feel like I've gotten used to the gift of life and that it's useless. I feel so horrible saying it because I know there are people who want to live and are dying. But when people tell you to make the best of your time- I don't really see why it matters. And I just wish I'd never thought of that because I feel like the idea's haunting me.

I don't really know if I am those things, and I can't figure it out on my own. I'm going to see my family doctor soon but I'm not sure if I can word it properly. For the last few years I've had this sad empty feeling that never seems to completely go away. There have been a few months here and there when it wouldn't be so bad but most days I come home feeling like crap. I just feel like I have no purpose in life. I'm not suicidal at all but thinking about the routine of daily life makes me not want to get out of bed sometimes. Sometimes when I'm bored I get lonely; sometimes when I'm with friends I desparately want to be left alone. The most trivial things make me panic to the point where I feel nauseous, and I feel like there's rising and dropping in my stomach. I'm pretty good at hiding it sometimes- I'm good at making my friends laugh and stuff, but sometimes it's hard to hide. I have told my mom about this. We have a family history of depression and anxiety. She just kind of blew me off though, I guess because she doesn't want to accept that I may be like her, although she did make the appointment for me. I'm incredibly shy, and I'm kind of nervous about telling my doctor who has known me for years. I keep thinking he'll think I'm making it up for attention, or that he won't do anything to help me. I hate this horrible panicky feeling I always have and I want it to stop but I don't even know what to expect from making the first step. Is it possible that I'm just a really grumpy person with nothing to worry about?

That was a sweet story; I liked hearing it. I mean it sucks about your wallet and all, but it's great that you met someone who made you feel so happy despite that. It's definitely a good idea to tell her so, she'll really appreciate it.

Actually I'm atheist, so I guess meeting someone at church is out of the question, not because I wouldn't want a religious guy but because I don't go to church in the first place. I guess I'm hoping I'll meet someone who'll respect my wish and find the wait worthwhile. Maybe that's too much to expect but I'll just have to wait and see. I'm still really young, but I know I definitely want to get married and start a family.

Good point. I don't think it's something to mention either, unless the big question came up Thanks

That makes a lot of sense. The thing is I think I would want to, but I guess I don't want to disappoint my parents. They've got old-fashioned beliefs about marrying within the race and not having sex until then and stuff. They make it sound like waiting is the best way and it does make sense but at the same time I want to do what's right for me. As for my worries being common, I keep thinking of the friends of mine who had sex when they were fourteen and fifteen. It makes me wonder if waiting or not waiting is even that big of a deal during these times. It obviously wasn't to them.

Hosswhispra- I never thought of it that way. I've got plenty of time ahead of me before I should begin to worry about this- I'm not even in a relationship. But that idea made me feel way better. Thanks

It's just that I strongly believe in staying a virgin until marriage. I think if I ever meet the right person, he'll be worth waiting for. Plus it's in my family's beliefs that a person should wait until they're married before having sex, and if I gave in before I could never hide it from my mom because we're so close. I was just wondering if people actually made long-term relationships work without having sex. I'm open to committment but I'm not ready to get that physical.

Sorry if you think it's a dumb question, but just about every girl I know who has or has had a boyfriend ended up losing her virginity to the first guy that came along. I don't feel like I have to do the same if I'm ever in a committed relationship nor do I want to, but is that the way it should be? What I mean is, if the relationship lasts a long time (as in a year or longer) and shows no signs of slowing down, does that mean you should have sex? It's hard for me to say no to a lot of things, and I worry that someday I'll give in to a guy out of fear. So can you have a long-term relationship without sex even when you want more? And when you want more but don't want to have sex for fear of the consequences, what are you supposed to do?!

And no, Mrs. Elliot Smith I forgot to mention I didn't take offense to your post. It's a relief to see I'm not the only person who's not movie obsessed, at least I feel better about that.

Well, my lack of interest in sports and movies aren't why I think I'm weird. I didn't explain why I think so because it's kind of hard too. I just meant that I don't think I have the type of personality that can be categorized. Some girls are preppy, some are girly, some are obnoxious and some are friendly. I'm starting to think that maybe it's not so much of a bad thing but I used to worry that I was different in a way that can't be explained. I just wanted to know if anyone ever thought of themselves as different in a way that couldn't be put into words; maybe weird wasn't the right word to use. But thanks for the replies.

Such a short reply, but it made me feel so much better. It's easy to forget that high school isn't forever. I guess I feel like my life's on hold until I graduate. I want to see what other people are out there and I won't know until next year. At school, it seems like I have a different sense of humour and different interests from everybody else. It's a small school where everybody wants to be like everyone else, and it's easy to forget who I am sometimes. But your confident reply made me laugh. Thanks hazey

I’ve asked myself this question for years- do I have a weird personality? I’m not actually expecting an answer to this question of course. But does anyone else ever ask that about themselves? I’ve got tons of friends and I’m pretty outgoing among them, but I’m generally a very shy person. I don’t have any guy friends. I think it’s just because I don’t like the guys at my school, but I’ve also never dated. I sometimes worry that when I graduate I’ll never have any close friends or boyfriends because I have a weird personality. I’m not into sports, I don’t watch a ton of movies- I worry that I don’t have any interests that I can share with others. I’m not a typical “hot” teenaged girl; people consider me to be a classic beauty. Very few people who tell me I’m beautiful while most people say I’m too cute. I worry that the few people who find me attractive will be weirded out by my personality, and that the rest of the people I meet will think I’m ugly before getting to know me. How can I stop thinking this way? Does everyone think things like these every now and then?

Yeah, and apparently she'd been picking on this boy whose lunch got trashed for awhile, and his sister. There was another severe incident involving the sister, but I won't mention it in case I get recognized somehow... I always worry about that. I didn't like this teacher too much anyway. She favoured like crazy, ignoring some kids who cried for their parents and taking others onto her lap. She also kissed a lot of kids when she saw them, which I found totally inappropriate simply because she'd only do it to some kids, and because she was crossing her limits as a teacher. It's been awhile since I was in kindergarten, but I know if she was my teacher when I was five I'd feel absolutely horrible. You'd only like her if you were one of the "cuter" kids, which is really sad. I thought I was just imagining this, as I was fifteen when she first came to the school. But two years later, I can see I was right about her all along. Anyway, thanks for answering my questions.

Well, the teacher was fired anyway, but I was kind of wondering if maybe she deserved to be fired or if she should have just gotten a warning. But when you put it that way I think the situation was handled just as it should have been. I'm just really surprised because she's well-liked by lots of other kids at the school and she thought she was doing the right thing. Thanks for clearing that up, but one more thing I forgot to mention before- if she tries to get another job somewhere else, will this incident hold her back? Would the pincipals of other schools have access to this type of information, do you think?