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LeftBehind

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About LeftBehind

  • Birthday 07/16/1984

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  1. I think I'm beginning to understand why I get so clingy and needy with women. And why I'm unable to trust them at all. I was never validated as a child. Ever. Never from peers, but more importantly never from my mom. My parents split when I was 10. And I lived a week with my dad, then a week with my mom. And I remember DREADING going to my mom's. I hated living with her, I hated her to be honest. She's crazy, and I'm starting to see alot of similar traits in myself. She was VERY possessive and controlling. I remember after every shower she would go in there and inspect EVERYTHING. My soap to see if I washed myself, my shampoo level, my toothbrush..the toilet seat to make sure I didn't pee on it....She would smell all my clothes....she would yell at me and scream if she thought I hadn't done one of those things....even when I really had done it... She would snoop through my school bags, through my notes...things I wrote....journals...everything. She also always criticized me. She put me down for being overweight, she put me down for not having friends...she put me down for not believing in her religion.... She criticized me when I chose to live with my dad full time. He married someone else, and we moved into a pretty upscale neigborhood. And I remember her telling me my acne was so bad that I would never fit in where I was choosing to go to high school and that I needed to fix my face. And, until I told her to stop contacting me in June, she still did this to this day. She put me down for choosing to be a guitarist/musician instead of going through 4 year college and taking the route everyone else takes. She put me down for where I chose to live...my roommates.... Everytime I saw her she would scan me over with her eyes and give this look of disgust at how I looked......because I like to wear metal t-shirts and have long hair.... I don't remember my mom ever once encouraging me. I remember she put me down for choosing not to go to college (Which isn't a permanent decision either) right out of high school. She told me she was embarrassed and that she couldn't hold her head among her friends who's kids went to college and became really successful. That was probably one of the more selfish things I've ever heard in my life. When I talked to her about my band and my musical ambitions she always just kinda brushed it off as a phase, and when I was through talking...she would go right back to how SHE wanted me to live my life. It's like she vicariously lived through me. And everything I do or don't do is all about HER.... And now this is exploding ALL OVER THE PLACE with my relationships with women in general. My latest love interest abandoned me, and alot of it had to do with the fact that I was looking for validation 24/7 from her. If females don't constantly validate me I automatically assume they don't like me, or they're going to abandon me...the same way my mom emotionally abandoned me as a child. It's only getting worse with time, because I seem to get myself involved with women who are going to do the same thing to me that my mom did. And I prove myself right, that they will abandon me, every single time. So now I'm to the point where I haven't had a girlfriend in 5 years because I can never get to the actual relationship point because of these problems...and it's just snowballing. I don't know how to fix this. I can't go through life needing constant validation from a female...and yet it seems the only times in my life I feel happy are when a female is validating me 24/7. It seems this is something cemented into my subconscious from childhood, and my mom did this to me for 22 years. How do I fix this?
  2. Man, and I thought I was a psycho for getting attached. I've been beating myself up for 6 months over things I said, and ways I acted with someone back in May/June. But this makes me feel alot better about myself. Change your phone number, change your e-mail. If she continues to show up at your doorstep, as the previous poster said, call the cops. I got obsessive for a couple of weeks or so, but I went total NC and have been for 6 months. Thank god I didn't go as far as this girl did. Jeez.... I would never get attached, though, after only a few dates. I had been seeing my girl for a while before I fell that much in love with her. I can't even imagine what her train of thought there was.......
  3. I'd ignore it. Show her you don't give a damn. But then again, I'm bitter. You might not be.
  4. Finally someone who understands. I've been thinking about this alot the last little while. Literally everyone I've ever loved or cared about has backstabbed or betrayed me. The second I show that I'm not perfect to them, they bail. The worst was someone who said she would never abandon me for getting emotional or showing my softer side. Then 4 days later takes off for the hills. I'm turning into a very bitter old man, and I'm 22 years old. I feel 80.
  5. That's a bunch of bs. This girl told me all sorts of stuff like that soul mate crap, but still needing her freedom and time to be single. If they're soulmates for real he would realize that and stay with her. He just feels guilty. Terrible thing to say. That just gives a bunch of false hope, like what happened with me.
  6. Geez, now I'm dreaming about her all the time. I don't dream about her once for almost 6 months, and now this week all of a sudden I'm dreaming about her constantly. Nothing's changed. No contact has been made. She's still in my thoughts alot, but not like she was before. This is very weird.... Some dreams are good, some are painful.... What gives?
  7. The reason the girl I was "Seeing" and I split was because she had alot of "junk" in her head she needed to sort out. She was dealing with a break up of a 3.5 year relationship.... Things got really bad at the end, but really all in all I think we said alot of things we didn't mean out of anger. She and I had this higher connection, neither of us could explain. I don't even really know how to describe it, but we were connected on a different level. I knew her thoughts before she spoke them, and I had only known her a few months. It was really weird. I remember we would have the same dreams too, with each other in it. And I totally called "us" falling apart or "needing time apart" before ANY of the bad stuff went down in a dream. We were drinking some at my home I lived at when I was in high school, and something happened where she got too wasted off just a few drinks...her parents showed up in a cab....and I already knew where she was going. She was going to rehab, in the dream. I told her I loved her before it drove off and she said "I know you do". That dream totally called the fact that she broke things off because of her needing to sort things out in her life and be single for a while. Well. The other night I had a dream about her, and I haven't dreamt about her once in the 5 months since we last spoke. I dreamt that we were in some library with computer labs....and I would sit down next to her...she would get up and walk away...I would follow her....sit down next to her again...she would get up and leave again...this happened several times...until finally I lost interest and went and sat on my own and went about my business. Then *She* comes walking up, smiling really big at me....runs her finger up my chin and tells me to come with her....she grabs my hand and that's when I wake up. I know she's been checkin my myspace. What do you guys think dreams like this mean? I know it has alot to do with subconscious wants and fears and stuff. But it's funny how I called what was going to happen in the first dream I had all those months ago.... Anyone else have similar experiences? Ever since I had this dream, I've had this overwhelming sense of security, that I've never felt once in my life before. That she misses me ALOT more than she would ever let on, and that she loves me. Because I know she fell in love with me, the same way I did with her. I'm not hanging on to this anymore, there are other "prospects" in my life I'm interested in. I'm just curious what everyone thinks?
  8. She said "maybe it's for the best right now". But this is what she said after she said her "feelings had changed". So I dunno if I have the same chance you two did, but I'm not too fond of her for saying that. Do not say something like that unless you ACTUALLY MEAN IT. I don't think she meant it.
  9. I'm curious what your opinion is on someone who check mine a couple times a week. Would that mean the same thing? She's the type of person who's never obsessive or attached, even if she really loves someone. She's a "stoner type". The only way to put it really. The last couple times she signed on she hasn't looked at it, or so the tracker says. It seems she checked it and read all my blog entries once or twice a week. Started back in early October and ever since she was doing that. I made it private a couple days ago. But I was just curious what you (or anyone really) think this could mean or not mean?
  10. First of all, as I said earlier. Blocking someone on that site does NOT prevent them from looking at your profile. You must make the page private, and take them off your friend list to keep them out. Second of all, I disagree about being a stalker. It is a public page, free for anyone to view. Just because he's having trouble letting go does not make him a stalker. If he did that, and also called her obsessively, showed up at her work all the time AFTER she had told him not to anymore. THEN he would be a stalker. I'm not saying it's good or healthy, because I'm having the same issue. But I don't agree that he's a stalker. She's never told him to stop looking at her page. If it's a public page, it's fair game.
  11. This is also the reason I have made my profile private. She was looking at it, a couple times a week. But never contacted me. So making it private will probably stir up a curiosity in her enough to speak. Atleast I'm hoping. She hasn't looked at it the last few times she signed on though, atleast before I made it private. So who knows. Yeah. Myspace sucks, but I can't stay off it either. I wish I could quit looking at her page. I try really hard not to, but I always give in. I miss her like crazy.
  12. You can't do that. You can set it up to block someone, but this only blocks messages and takes them off your friend list. Besides, even if you COULD block someone's screen name, all they'd have to do is sign out, and then go to the page. In order for this to work, you'd have to ban the actual IP address from viewing the page (which they don't do), and even then...all they'd have to do is use a library or something with a different IP.
  13. This is exactly my train of thought checking *her* page. Except lots of people leave her comments because she has 10 people's share of friends. Makes me angry to see how many friends she has, and how few I have. Then again. Better to have a few great friends than a ton of shady ones. I keep waiting to see that "single" status turn to "in a relationship". Still hasn't. I kinda wish it would frankly. I'm tired of holding on to something that's been dead for so long.
  14. I think you're taking it too seriously, and I don't mean to attack there. But this IS just a message board. It's just text. No one was trying to attack you. No one can REALLY help you, but you. You can ask people for ways for YOU to help yourself, but in the end only you can help yourself. And that last line, sounds like a bluff to me. I can't tell you how many times I've seen that line written on message boards because someone took replies too personally. Geez. Life is too short for this crap.
  15. I'm on both sides of this issue. I go to *her* page alot. Because I miss her like crazy. Then again, she's the one who broke things off with me. I have a tracker also. She can only log on like once or twice a week. But for a while every time she logged on she went to my page. I can tell she was reading my blog too because it showed several visits in a matter of minutes. The last few times though, she hasn't gone to it once. So I dunno.....I guess she was just checking up on me, and isn't all that interested in coming back. But If he's on your myspace page THAT much, something is up. Because I can tell you, I'm in a similar spot. And I miss her like CRAZY. Even after 5 months of NC. I miss her like I've never missed anyone before.
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