sarge17
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Good post, hit the nail on the head. You are thinking like me? Wow thats unusual.
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How about an opinion from a completely "different" perpesctive? Have you you ever thought of the guy who doesn't have what it takes to approach to be the "predator" type male. The "lone wolf" He allows his prey to come to him. He waits and waits until he is approached, then it feeds his insecurities. He has his prey knows she is interested and most likley will be the type to express his love and want to marry in a matter of weeks. He has his claws in her heart in a matter of weeks. Red flags! Just a different opinion. something to think about. I have seen it happen.
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This all has to do with lack of maturity and not being able to handle a relationship in a proper way. When you started having these impulses why did you not end it then? All you were thinking about was yourself. Why did you not talk to your SO about what was going on inside you, again lack of integrity, respect and maturity. All of this has to do with how you are feeling about yourself and project it on to your SO by hiding things then dumping. I know this sounds harsh but this is the way I see it. You wanted your safety net until you were for sure. Go ahead and flame me. I can't tolerate messing with other peoples emotions.
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I agree, but it seems everyone has a different take on the word "nice". In my world " nice guys" are passive aggressive, insecure, try and buy women with over the top gifts, calling to many times a day. Putting women on pedastals that they cant reach, being doormats, will do anything for the women to please her because they think they are not good enough being themselfs for her to like him , they are basically chumps. They are not a challenge or interesting This is why I like the word "good guy" It is a "nice guy" with his act together.
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I agree you dont want the qaulities of the "jerk" but there are some things that women are attracted to in the "jerk" which you would never find in the "nice guy". This might sound silly but there are some positive things the "jerk" convey to women that make them attractive. The "good guy" will have some of these qaulities but in a more toned down way. Making them even more interesting and attractive. It wont come accross as "jerk" material.
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Ladies You are looking for the wrong type of man. I have another label or name for what you should be looking for. You are looking for a "good guy" This is a man between a jerk and a nice guy. A good guy will not put you on a pedastal like a nice guy, you will be on his same level. He will not allow you to use him as a doormat and he wont use you the same way. He is secure, confident, respectful and will stand his ground in a respectful way. He will not shower you with gifts when a disagrement happens. This would be like rewarding a dog for pooping on the carpet. He will lead you and be fun. He will not beg or plead for your attention. He has self respect and you will not see any actions from him that would convey this differently. He has integrety. He would never cheat. He is not arrogant like the jerk but lets his actions show the real him from the start. I could go on and on but I hope you understand what I'm trying to convey. Mostly it is a man ( real man ) who has the mixture of both the jerk and the nice guy. Believe me they are out there, more than you think
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Catren and Houdini Read what I posted under suggestions. This is another common trait, most of them wear a mask. Eventually the mask slips and the real hollowed out person shows up. Sound familiar??
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Major I understand what you are trying to tell me and you are right. I have a question. Is the lack of empathy a hallmark trait of a person with a cluster b disorder? That is what I gather from reading. Is that right? Also thay say most with these disorders have the emotional maturity of a 6 year old. Is this correct also? Just asking.
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To the above posters Read some of the posts on breaking up..................... I would call most of them emotional "something". I'm not diagnosing. I said read with an open mind, and educate yourself. Do normal, healthy, people do what some of the posters say about their bf,gf,ex or whatever???? Read the bottom paragraph very carefully. It explains it all. There are people who cannot feel empathy, or intamacy and have no conscious. I'm no expert and dont claim to be but after reading a lot of these breaking up posts, I think the shoe fits. This is why some people can say "I love you" in the morning and be with the mailman that night.
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I have a suggestion for everyone who has been in a relationship, or in a relationship, or at sometime plan on being in a relationship. Please educate yourself on the following, especially if something don't feel right or you just cant put your finger on whats wrong or dont understand whats going on in your relationship. Read up on NPD-Narrcissitic Personality Disorder..... BPD- Borderline Pesonality Disorder.....HPD- Histronic Personality Disorder. Educate yourself on these disorders ( read with an open mind) They say 10% of the population have one of these disorders. I can almost bet that some of the posters will point at the screen and say thats her, thats him. or I'm reading about my ex. You will be surprised how the traits they describe will fit into your situation with uncanny accuracy. It all has to do with an individuals lack of empathy and or conscious. They cannot be fixed. Sometimes it helps with closure when you have a break-up and dont understand what happened. Believe me if you have never heard of these disorders your in for an eye opening experience. It will probally explain your last relationship!! and roller coaster experience. They are emotional predators.
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Ok I just read another post about couples breaking up because one of them needs space or is feeling smothered. Read where someone broke up because his life revolved around his mate???( I guess this must be more extreme than I can imagine). Does this have something to do with age or maturity? Is this type of behaviour more prevelant in younger couples? How do people like this ever get married?? Does your way of thinking have to change?? My parents have been married for 53 years. They saw each other 4-5 times a week when dating. So, I asked them if they ever had these feelings of being smothered or were needing space. I got the deer in the headlight look. Are there certain people who can never live around someone else for a extended period of time? Do you need to take on a type of mentality? Maybe a different mind set?
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Is it advisable to seek help with your relationship from a friend of the person you are dating?? There is a saying that men should not seek advice from women on issues they are having with women. And vice versa. Any thoughts?
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My feeling is true spark or what I call attraction cannot not be created it is either there or it is not. It is not a choice. Sure, there are some people that can act a certain way towards others to make them feel some sort of false attraction but it is not real and it ussually fades. True spark or attraction is natural and very powerful.
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In your last post you come accross as knowing she is not for you. I think your gut is telling you to go a different direction with your life. If, you got back together would things change or be different?? Most likly NO So why go thru it again. Something to think about. Start thinking of all the negative things about her, the ones that hurt you and how much they hurt you. Do people who love each other treat each other this way??
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Dont answer Your statement your "almost scared to talk about the wrong thing with her" is a bad sign. Do you feel you are always walking on eggshells when you are around her?