bstrong2day

same woman

I'm back. There hasn't been a break-up, although I can see one brewing on the horizon, and it's scaring the daylights out of me.

God, it's been a year and I think I'm about to find myself in the same situation again. It feels as if she's drifting away from me all over again, and I can't figure out why. Trying to get her to talk just pushes her farther away. From what I learned from past experiences, giving her time to cool off has worked, although I've done that, and it isn't working now. We live together.

It's so crazy how things work out.

When she contacted me, I had already accepted the fact that the relationship had ended and was seriously beginning to move on. She was persistent, wanted to sit down with me in person to talk about things that bothered her, and made it a point to do "whatever it took" to work things out and make me happy. She said she was a total * * * * * * *, felt like crap, and had missed me for the past few months. I got a lot off my chest, and we agreed that there was a major communcation issue that needed to be addressed. In all seriousness, we created a "terror alert" scale from 1-10 that identifies her mood, so that we can talk before she blows up, and prevent another disaster. To be honest, I've put things in perspective. I don't have all my eggs in one basket anymore, and am genuinely happy. She'll never understand what I went through over the past 3 months. That's ok though, because I felt it, and I'll never forget it. I continue to learn and live life with my eyes open now.

For those of you who were there to offer me support through my break-up, I'll always appreciate it more than you could ever imagine. I've come such a long way over the past three months. Through the pain, I learned so much about who I am, and what's important to me. It's taken a long time, and throughout my journey I learned to love myself. This test has built character and made me so much stronger than before. She came back, she wanted to work things out, and we've spent a lot of time getting down to the heart of the matter. This is one really world we live in. Once in a while, things happen, things that you almost never think would happen, do take place. I'm a bit more guarded now, and I keep my emotions on a leash, because they are mine. I'll never completely lose my own identity in someone else again. Thanks

That first letter may have made her feel uncomfortable. So, writing something like this would be a bad idea? "Hey, it wasn't fair that I sent you that last email. I wrote it for myself." I appreciate the advice.

This is a tough call, although I would feel comfortable writing something as Annie suggested. "It wasn't fair that I sent that last email to you. I wrote it for myself."

Should I apoligize to her friend for sending the letter? I would feel comfortable doing that

After hurting for over a month with no contact from her at all, after all that we had been through, and the way the break-up went, I strongly felt I had to send it. I didn't log in at all to check my myspace inbox yesterday, and felt good that I sent the letter. Of course, now that there was no response, I feel unfulfilled. I mean, how could someone not see the power of that letter. It isn't just a bunch of words on a computer screen. I don't see it as pathetic either. It's a well-thought out summary of how I felt when she turned on me, what we've been through together, and the sacrifices I made and was willing to make to "make things work". I also stated some of my strengths. Would you think I was a "total psycho" for sending this letter?

I sent this to my ex-fiance's best friend through myspace yesterday, and never received a response. "I didnt forget that you had asked how Ive been. If you wanted the truth, I could write you a novel. But I wont. To watch someone who shared something so beautiful with me turn on me as if Im some kind of monster is really hard to swallow. We did everything together, and I mean everything. She was my best friend, my lover, my partner in crime, my teammate, my anchor. She was my fiancé. She took my ring when I got on one knee to propose, and promised to marry me. I honestly used to believe that if the whole world came crashing down around us, as long as we had each other, wed be ok. It was us against the world. I stood right by her side and had her back through everything. Through her trial, through Katrina, through college. I was right by her side supporting her, holding her when she cried, when no one was there for her. I stuck with her through thick and thin and always respected her. But in the end she gave up on me. She didnt believe in my desire to make things work. She didnt believe in my desire and ability to communicate and work through problems, including my own. She didnt believe in my loyalty to her, her culture, and her family. Did I not deserve that? Did I not show her time-and-time again that I loved her with all my heart and soul? To be honest, I loved her more than I loved myself, and that became a problem, because that was seen as weakness. Every day that passes, shes moving on. The longer we go without talking or seeing each other, the more I become a stranger to her. But, I'm not a stranger! I'm still the cute, supportive, passionate, gentle, loyal, athletic, respectful, trustworthy, funny, fun-loving guy that fell in love with her. I'm still me. But, she doesn't see that anymore. She sees someone whos weak. But, Im not weak. In fact, Im stronger than most people in this world, because I don't run away from my problems and can talk about my feelings. I can be a really good person and still get dumped."

Perception is reality, and this is my reality. Everything that was important and meant something to me is gone now. The train is leaving. It's already left, yet I'm still stuck at the station, alone in a town where I don't want to be. Everything, everyone is passing me by, happy people, people with plans. I've lost all will power and motivation. I have no plans. My whole world has caved in. I'm falling, and falling fast. I'm fading away. One by one, all of the closest people in my life have moved away from me over the past two years. As they left, I became closer to my fiance. I needed her support, and she broke up with me. Now, after moving here 2 years ago to start my new life, I'm left with a condo that I can barely afford, in a state of my life where I literally have no one. I never thought this could ever happen to me. It's like my worst nightmare has come true. I don't know what to do. As a last resort, I started taking an antidepressant 5 days ago. I'm on a very low dosage (12.5g), and yet I feel almost disconnected from my emotions. It's surreal. My emotions have been stabilized. The side-effects have been tough to swallow as well. I've got dry mouth, headaches, and a giddy feeling. It scares me, and I don't like it, yet I continue to take the meds because people close to me including my counselor tell me I can't continue the way I've been. I can't lose my job. The downside of the meds is that I'm unable to reach the emotional depths that I am normally capable of. I wanted to attend a Co-dependency Anon. meeting, and was unable because I felt like I was too giddy to tell my story. I felt as if I couldn't cry. What I need right now are my friends and family. I don't need medication. I need people in my life that care about me and will be there for me. They have always been there. Now, they are all gone. I literally have no one, unless I pick up the phone to call them. I'm a really good person, and can't believe this has happened to me/ I let this happen. The bottom line is that I have to come up with a long-term plan soon, because I can't keep this up. I have to pack my bags and start over back home in NY, or start making new friends out here. Moving back home to NY is not an option though, because I have already put a down-payment on a condo out here. I don't want to be here anymore, but I can't go anywhere and I have nobody. 3 months ago I had my close friends, a loving fiance, and a bright future out here ahead of me. It's all gone now. I need help. I am not religious, but I am beginning to pray to the higher power for a change for the better, because right now I am unable to make these changes on my own. All I have is the past right now, and if I let that go, I really will have nothing.

thank you guys. I need your posts tattooed on my body as inspiration to keep going on. Today was another bad day. The only real friend I have left out here told me he is moving back to Boston next month. I didn't think it could get any worse.

Thanks for the inspiration. I'm in a tough situation here though. I have already contacted my ex-fiance once by mail in regards to returning the engagement ring. That was on June 9th. The letter went unresponded. At some point I have to make contact with her again inorder to get the engagement ring back. I am contemplating sending an email, text message, or contacting her sister in another state to relay the message to her that I'm asking for the engagement ring back. My heart cannot take knocking on her door or calling my ex to ask for the ring back. Obviously I would prefer not to break NC, although I have to. The longer I wait, the more likely she has moved on and cares even less about me. You'd think she would just return the ring. But, her style is avoiding her ex's at all costs. I know this because when we were together, that's what she told me she did in the past. She's 25 and we were engaged for a year. We were together for 2 and 1/2 years. So, you'd think she'd have at least enough respect for me to return the ring. I don't know what to do.

I'm traumatized by the way in which she turned on me, broke up with me, and also how she has been able to go on without contacting me once. We did everything together, we were all each other had, we were engaged. I believed we had an unbreakable bond. A month and a half later I am alone and still in a state of shock.