Trishie1607306433

Sammy_Jess: I can understand the jealousy - police work can create such a sense of community and be a powerful bonding opportunity - hence the nicknames and all the time spent together. It really is part of police culture. I think jealousy is always a part of life for police girlfriends/wives (I'm not a cop but I do have several police officer friends and have seen how tough this work can be on relationships). Try to keep this in mind - many many other police partners feel the same way as you. I totally agree with the previous poster about being up front about your feelings with your bf - try to do it as rationally as possible (some guys hate seeing their "woman" worked up..). If there are some things that he could do to make you feel better, then ask him to help you. HOWEVER - Knowing how tough policing can be on relationships, and that you are having some jealousy now - it might be worth some more work when your BF gets home (on the weekend or after the course is over) to discuss ways that you can work on this in the future? The jealousy may not fade once he gets home.. if he gets a new assignment, or a new partner or a new shift.. there could be other problems. There are a lot of good books out there on police families. They are definitely worth reading. just a note: If your BF is committed to and follows through on doing some or all of the things that make you feel more secure, then that's a very good sign! Guys are kinda lazy at heart - it takes a LOT to motivate them to do something, but once they are motivated, I find that nothing can stop them from it! IF a guy is really committed.. you'll know it!

just read your post - from my female point of view.. if you are getting women who dump you for more abusive guys.. then they are not worth your time. They've probably got some major self esteem problems that make themselves feel they're not worthy of someone nice or of love. Believe me, if you finally find someone who will be with you because you are nice and they feel they deserve someone nice.. then that woman has her head screwed on straight and is probably worth your time. There's a lot of insecure people out there in BOTH genders. From my experiences - I find that people of equal emotional health tend to wind up together - often the insecure woman winds up with an insecure man (who often expresses his insecurity through abuse). The insecure woman might wind up feeling that she can't leave because she feels she doesnt' deserve any better. I have to admit that because of my abusive growin-up I kept dating jerks until I started to believe that I was worth someone better.. I took some time to work on myself and now have a very healthy relationship with someone who is very nice. Another possibility - keeping in mind that many women are attracted to confident, assertive, outgoing guys... sometimes the traditional "nice guy" is not as assertive as the "abusive guy" - and the woman will see the assertiveness of the jerk at first and be attracted to that initially. However, sometimes assertiveness can go too far into abuse... Its important to know that although this is the new milennium there still are many women who like to feel "taken care of" and have the "man in charge! Hope this helps... Trishie

Depends on the age group you are seeking... I have found in my 15 or so years of dating (from 18-33) that the "prime age" for guys to want to settle down is late 20's and early 30's.. It was tough when I was younger (early 20's) as many guys I met (including my long time boyfriend who left me when I was 22) just didnt have enough "experience" to know a good thing when they saw it! Most guys I met right after my long-time boyfriend just wanted a quick roll in the hay or a summer fling. Although I was tempted because of my issues in dealing with my breakup, I'm really glad I didnt take any of them up on those offers! Older guys (late 20's into 30's) have been around a bit, and also they have probably seen some of their friends get serious with someone and even have a few friends with wives and kids, so the idea of being serious, even marrying and being a dad is not so foreign! My motto: Let guys make their mistakes with other women BEFORE they meet you!!!! If you are in your teens or early 20's... be patient! Just because a guy doesnt want strings now, doesn't mean he'll be the same in 10 years. Keep in mind, just like the other posters, not ALL guys (even young ones) are not romantic, etc. - there are good ones out there, but you do have to take your time in looking! There's no rush either - I'm still single and I'm 33 (although I am talking marriage with my current BF) - "settling down" with a good partner just takes as long as it has to take!

Why not ask her out for a date? Have you tried and she is refusing, or you are just a bit scared on how to push it to the next level? Why not ask her to dinner sometime and see how it goes from there?

I totally agree with the poster who said "stop pursuing". It is very true that the pursuer and the pursued often change places when the pursuer stops chasing. See if that works. One bit of advice my mother gave me "if you keep doing the same thing and keep getting the same result, do something different". Wise words!. Keep in mind for a relationship to work BOTH parties have to really want it in order to work through difficulties, forgive, move on and grow. There are so many challenges in relationships that both parties have to be wildly committed to the idea or it won't last. There is only so much ONE person can do to hold a relationship together. In fact, one person cannot hold a relationship together. It has to be TWO. You cannot do anything to get someone back if they are not interested. If someone comes back it will be due to their OWN initiative! YOu can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. They may try it for awhile, but eventually they'll stop trying. In the mean time the only thing you can do is try to live your life as best you can, keep working on being more responsible (you mentioned paying down your debts, etc). Focus on you being a SINGLE person, try not to hang on to the feeling that you and your ex are still somehow "together". That's definitely not healthy. Most importantly you need to grieve the loss - perhaps your wish to hang on to her is more caused by you not wanting to go through grief rather than how you feel about her? (I am just throwing out ideas here, feel free to disagree as I dont know your situation as you do) I admit I hang on after a breakup because I dont want to grieve/cry/admit that person hurt me! I dont know what exactly happened that caused this break in your relationship, but its worth exploring what happened and the root causes of it. That's the only way someone can "truly change" (I disagree with the poster who said that people can't change - people CAN change PARTS of themselves for the better regarding emotional and personal health and well-being).

I can totally relate to this situation. When I first met my BF we were "just friends" so we probably discussed his sexual past a bit too much for my taste - after I started falling for him this information REALLY started to bother me. I have done all kinds of stupid things - from spying, snooping around his apartment, reading his phone bills, checking up on him, trying to spy in his journal, wondering if he was a good guy or not, if he was still in contact with his exes, if he had pictures, etc... It got to the point where I would not even travel through places where I knew some of his exes lived or live (makes it tough as many of his exes are in his home town). I started second and third guessing who in his life introduced him to his exes, who knows his ex lovers, where he had sex, what he thinks when he's having sex with me, what were their names, what they looked like naked, were they beautiful, if he compares me with someone else, what others know about his sexual past, does he engage in "locker room" talk with the guys, etc. I even get the creeps going to his childhood home (we live in another city have left home some time ago) knowing that he probably slept with another woman in that house or even in the guest bed in which I was sleeping.. (but then again i have done the same thing with other guys in my own childhood home so who am I to complain??). What bothered me the most was the difference in "numbers" I have had 4 other sexual partners besides him, and he has had at least 9, possibly more. Those dont sound like huge numbers, but I was kinda hoping that we'd roughtly have about the same. Looking at the fact that he has TWICE as many ex lovers, and his past includes one night stands, sex on the first date, lots of anal sex, a 'sex-friend', etc. makes me feel REALLY insecure (my experiences were standard, boyfriend-girlfriend-i-think-i-could-marry-you-lets-go-meet-my-parents kind of things). So, naturally I thought that he was much more "worldly" and how uncool he must think I am.. and that I thereforeeeeeee was uncool, etc. etc. It was a bad bad train of thought. Also - when we first met I was 30 and starting to "ponder" the possibility of a sex friend, or a threesome, etc. and I didn't do it (The fear of STD's has really limited my sexual exploration! I read an article that women are 27 times more likely to contract a sexual disease than men.. and that swore me off experimentation!!) I noticed my jealousy flared up more when I was feeling insecure about myself and the relationship. We had a rough phase almost from the 4th month together until about Christmas 2002. I'll get into the reasons for that later on... What might be interesting to look at is BOTH your past and his past - not just the relationship/sexual past but put it into context. Why did your BF have so much experience? What drove him to do it? Was he a product of a broken home and wanted "female" comfort? Sometimes guys can't tell the difference betweeen needing a shoulder to cry on and finding someone to have sex with. Honestly. Sometimes they are THAT clueless! No matter how nice your BF is, and how much you love him, he still has a male brain!! Did your bf have a bad relationship with his mother or other females? Did he feel insecure and need to "prove his manliness"? Worst of all - was he sexually abused and totally lost the ability to keep his sexual urges in check? As far as my BF - he was both sexually abused AND had a poor relationship with his mother. ALL of his sexual encounters before me were NOT about sex or love - they were all about proving he wasn't gay (he was abused by a man in a positon of authority), proving he was loveable (he engaged in one night stands or very kinky/unsafe rebound relationship fter he was dumped within the first few years after hew was abused). He was mostly trying to prove his worthiness with his mother ("If someone has sex with me then I must be loveable to women") and that he wasn't gay ("this man abused me so I must be gay") and he was reacting to it. Because of my bf's background he was also an alcoholic/drug addict - I dont doubt that some of his encounters happened while drunk or stoned. Getting over the last remnants of this, and taking his abuser to court has been causing the major relationship problems we've been having.. but I digress... anyhow I cannot blame him for this. After unearthing all this difficult information, I realized that he needs my love and support more than my criticism!!! Your BF may not admit it, but I would bet that a LOT of his encounters were done out of neediness, loneliness or insecurity, and to me, that says a lot about his motivation. I personally dont know too many well-adjusted, happy or mature people who still really want to continue to do one night stands and other stupid sex stuff. If he is with you out of LOVE it is very possible to do the same thing with another person but have it mean totally different things!! I never believed it, but my BF swears its true. In comparison, my sexual choices were made a bit more wisely - never on the first date, with someone i could trust, someone I'd known awhile, etc. Face it - as women we just have more at risk (we could be raped, get a disease, get pregnant). My own personal upbringing (alcoholic father, emotional abuse, father was very belittling) makes me look at the sexual "differences" between my BF's and my pasts as a way to keep "putting myself down". I realized that this obession really had its roots in me feeling that there is no way my BF could really love me and that sooner or later he'd leave me or go back to his one night stand ways. (his last one nigher was when he was 19 and he's 34 now.. so what am I complaining about?? but you can see how bizarre this obsession is in me as well!!) I have also had a few bf's leave me for a new sexual partner - and that also has chipped away at my relationship security. I have also had people leave me who I never thought would leave me - and that makes me insecure about EVERYTHING in relationships! The older you get the more baggage you get (I'm 33)! However, the bf's who did leave had very little to no other sexual experience. Does that mean anything? I dont know. I do know for sure though that my BF, no matter how bad things get, never ever wants another one night stand. He hated himself for a long time after he did them. He also said to me "anyone who says that they like sleeping around is lying his face off. Its a pathetic guy-lie and dont buy it!" In any case, try to logically think about his life in some way. Try to tie his sexual actions in with what his life was at the time. Probably he had some serious insecurities at the time. Maybe he went back with an ex because he has some problems about being alone. Explore these with him. Hopefully he'll be honest and if he does have some insecurities still to deal with, he'll be interested in workign on them now that he has met you? Despite my BF's past, what makes me assured about our future is three things: 1. BF has NEVER cheated on any of his long time girlfriends (he has had about 4). He has also assured me that "sampling" is not something he was ever interested in, and that his behaviour was done out of sheer neediness and desperation and that he hated himself for it. and 3) since 1993, my BF has had only 2 sexual partners, both relationships lasted little more than a few months. He had not been with anyone since 1998 when we met in 2001. He even had a four year celibacy after his first seven or so experiences which came one after another (he swore off sex and women because he was so hurting...) All I know now is that my BF has been really honest about his experiences, he admits that he has had too many partners for his own taste, that his actions were driven by abuse, self esteem, alcoholism, desperation, and that I should pity him and not feel intimidated by his past. He was a different person then, driven by pain, and not by love. Over a year has passed since we had our little "talk" about his past, and I have to admit that time does a lot to reduce the pain you are feeling. After several months to a year together if your BF is faithful and honest and reassuring, and the relationship is healthy, you may stop feeling as bad about his past (I am starting to feel that way). If your interest and bad feelings about the past continue to bother you, treat it as I do - as a signal that all is not well in either your own life or the relationship and that something needs attending to. Then spend the time to figure out what is the problem, and try to fix it (this has gotten me to lose some weight, spruce up my appearance, get a new job and a whopping raise, and work on some major stumbling blocks in our relationship!!! Yay for me!). I know that other insecurities I have had have manifested themselves into outrageous jealousy about my bf's past, so sometimes the problem was not even about him, but it was all about me!!! Good luck - if you want to talk more on this write back or private message. This has been the most MAJOR issue I've dealt with over the past year and has caused me a lot of pain and lost sleep. Please write if you want to. I totally relate with your situation. Trishie

well.. 7 months later and we're shopping for rings! how things change.. but I can't change the fact that I'm 33 now... Trishie

Hi. My bf and I have been going out for about a year. Since the winter, my BF has really wanted to talk about moving in together. Although we've only been together a year we are older (32 and 33) settled in our careers and also we knew each other as friends for years before we dated, so the timeline is not as rushed as it may appear upon first reading. In the spring, we did talk about moving in together and I told him that I didnt want to move in unless we had a 'ring and a date'. I lived with someone for a few years and really dont want to do it again - it led to such disaster. Up until a few months ago, my BF was very eager to make some kind of timeline (engaged within the next 12 months, married a year after that) but now he is backing off - he told me a few weeks ago that he is not sure he would be ready to propose within a year.. or marry within two. I've been there before - have been in 2 serious relationships, 4 years each, which pretty much ate up all of my prime childbearing years. This delay just puts me right into the "freaking out about getting older" zone. I'm getting worried about my age - In two years I'll be 34-35 and he'll be 35-36. and there are definite risks for having kids (we both want kids) after age 35. I wouldnt mind waiting according to his schedule if this biological fact wasn't staring me right in the face. My bf doesnt seem to let this bother him because he has a friend who had her first child at age 40 - he doesnt seem to understand how risky and how rare this is!!!! How do I deal with this? How can I get him to understand that I"m not trying to "trap" him but give our yet unborn kids the best chance in life they can get by not delaying their conception and birth? How do I deal with my own anxiety about being in this situation before, and not having the patience this time around because of my advancing age?