Marco9i

even when in relationships, we can still feel a pull towards another. that is natural -- something you can't control. what one CAN control is their response: will they try to fool around with another, flirt or drop inuendos? your gf is definitely giving you reason to grieve, but it may be a bit too harsh to pull out yet. she may have an attraction to other girls, but it's super likely that you too find other girls attractive (but that doesn't mean you have to act on it). put some faith in her words for now, but if her body language starts to suggest otherwise for a period of time, she may just be takin you for a ride.

andrew05151, I hear you buddy. There is nothing I want more than to down a couple of drinks at a bar and b!tch about how inconsiderate and malicious people are these days. How can someone promise their heart without merit??? And the worst is all the lying! First they lie about their supposed life-long commitment, then they lie about not wanting others. My heart is a bleeding lump of dilapidated flesh. How can I trust another with it, let alone the same person who inflicted the damage???

ElektraHere is totally correct. You can be friends when you truly consider your ex as a friend, NOT an ex-girlfriend. That means being able to handle conversations about other relationships, since these are commonly discussed among friends. Are you ready to hear about her new relationships? Is she ready to hear about yours? Marco

Hello, A breif history: after 4.5 years of love and commitment, my gf decides she needs a break to discover herself so that she can be a better gf upon rejoining. Her methods of "discovering herself" is to hang out with other ppl all the time, but with me minimally (that includes going for drinks, movies, coffee and zoo dates with guys one-on-one). Yah, having all your heart thrown back in your face hurts, a lot. She has family problems and suffers from a mild to moderate depression. I have always been there for her in the relationship, always considering her feelings and trying to give her the best possible love and life. Her feelings are always considered; not just for her, but I try to improve the quality of life for everyone I meet. Now listen to this: yesterday I spent the morning shopping for her graduation gift and then took her to the Argo football game (I paid for everything). On our way home, she started to talk about her family problems. She obviously needed to talk. So instead of dropping her off, I postpone my plans to park the car and talk with her. After some venting, I offer solutions, one of them being me getting directly involved with her parents to alleviate the pain at home. I'm doing this for her happiness, paying for it by putting myself in a akward/difficult situation. Am I not being a good friend? To further cheer her up, I offered to take her out to a nice patio for lunch next week. She responded by saying okay as long as she's back in time to prepare for her bbq party.... a party (full of people who I get along with) that I'm not invited to. It was at that point that I nearly lost it! Despite all the disrespect I've suffered over the years with her, I've never hit her or raised my voice. But yesterday there was a big glob of spit on the tip of my tongue that I wanted to shoot right between her eyes. I've been so good to her, both during our relationship and on this break, and then she plans on having a get together at her place with no invite for me! Upon asking her why, she responds: "these are my friends and I want to be with them." If I'm there, she'll still be with them (I'm a mature man who doesn't cling to their partners). She says I'm her best friend, but that seems like bullsh!t to me. Obviously my presense inhibits her fun. I would have fun there, the other guests will have fun with me, but she doesn't want this to happen. My door has always been open to her, both to console the bad times and celebrate the good. I always invite her out: her company always makes things better. I want to make sure she has plenty of options so that she can find something that makes her the happiest. I never exclude her from anything: I have nothing to hide, only love and hapiness to give. She, on the other hand, doesn't seem to care about my best interest. She is unwilling sacrifice for my pleasure (is this even a sacrifice?). If I'll have fun, and her guest will have fun, then what's the problem with inviting me? I may not even take the invite, but it's the thought that counts. Her complete lack of consideration really hurt me. So I ask you if my feelings are out of line. Should I put up with this inconsideration? What do you think her motives are? The solution we came to is compromise. But if I've already given everything, what more can I give (I also gave her plenty of space in our relationship. PLENTY)? This act of disrespect really hurt me (I'm so good at parties), and I would like to know how we can get through this without our relationship suffering complete destruction. Baby, I can't believe you don't consider me, after all I've done for you, after all we've been through, after all the promises. I'm not asking to be attached at the hip, just some common decency. Am I alone on this one??? Marco

Problem is it's so hard for me to accept the fact that she is using this "break" to ease into a full blown "break-up." She has always been direct and blunt (a little too blunt at times). Or has she? Have I been blind the whole time? I just can't believe that 4.5 years of love and commitment can be flushed away so readily. The words shared... did they mean anything? How can one speak such promising and committed words without merit? A monster, that's who. Was there ever merit? Evidently her credibility is almost completely destroyed. She says that she is using this break as a means to make herself stronger so that our relationship will be stronger upon reinstatement. But if she broke her past promises (the whole "we'll be together forever" bullsh!t), why should I believe that this promise will be held? Baby... you really messed me up this time.

Thank you for your sympathy. It really means a lot to me at times like this. The one thing about NC is that I fear getting back together will be impossible: I fear that we will grow accustomed to being apart - no friendship, no contact, nothing - and that any chance at a loving, intimate relationship will be void. Does this make sense, or am I just driving myself nuts? Thanks, Marco

BigBilly, I say you set that little liar into place. Next time she contacts you, give her a piece of your mind. However, don't be frantic or irrational: make sure your arguments make sense, let her know how her lies have hurt you, and tell her that she'll be forever unhappy and miserable by bringing others down to raise herself up. If anything, you should pitty her, not be angry with her. Marco

Hello all, After 4.5 years of dating with serious future planning (moving in, marriage, growing old and toothless together), my ex decides that we need a break to discover herself. I am shattered, head to toe. She told me at the onset of our break that she wants us to get back together, but with no idea when she'll be ready. I am so used to holding her, kissing her soft lips and sharing words of love. Now when I see her, all the memories rush into my head; tears start falling off my face and the nose starts running. My love is not wanted (trust me, it was good quality love I was giving), and it's killing me. So my question to all is: should I keep seeing her casually, allowing myself to grow accustomed to our new situation, or should I completely cut her off to avoid the pain? Is no contact really the best course of action for healing? Thanks to all, Marco

To Chigal28: You have a great understanding of a partner's emotions. I hope your boyfriend values your honest and sounds judgement. I also tell my boyfriend about every guy I meet that I've exchanged numbers with for the purpose of friendship--how I met them and who they are, and I also of course tell him anytime I'm going to hang out with one of them, whether it's just with them (usually not) or with other friends (99% of the time). ALSO, I make every effort to introduce my boyfriend to these guys, so he knows who they are and they know who he is and it all stays very legitimate. If there ever was someone I *didn't* want to tell my boyfriend about, or have him meet, then there would be a problem.