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TakingtheBlame

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TakingtheBlame last won the day on December 23 2010

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  • Birthday 02/15/1981

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  1. Sooo it seems I have a dating question. What else is new? There's this guy I met via a dating site a little over a year ago, and with whom I've been chatting online for the same amount of time (meaning, I suppose, that we get along on some level above that of the physical.) We live about 50 miles apart so that it was always too much of a hassle for us to meet up comfortably, and we both ended up having several short term relationships with other people while we kept in touch exclusively online. A couple of months ago we finally managed to meet for dinner and drinks for the first time, and it was purely platonic...some flirting, but nothing physical. We then continued our flirtatious chats online, and I ended up asking him what he ultimately wanted out of me, and he basically said he couldn't see himself in a relationship with someone who lived so out of his way, and if he had a choice he would choose my friendship over meaningless physical gratification. Then, since things are never that simple, we ended up hooking up one night about a week ago (the second time we met in person) and getting pretty physical, though he refused to "go all the way" with me because it was "our first time" (getting physical I presume). Now, we still talk online and text back and forth, and I am not sure if I should expect anything, or try to steer things in any romantic/physical direction. I'm just confused as to what he expects of me, seeing as he doesn't want a relationship but also won't sleep with me. I do like him though, and I want to make sure I don't do anything stupid. Anyone have any advice?
  2. So...when you've been dating a guy for a relatively short amount of time (a month) and one day he tells you that he doesn't think he can ever be in a relationship or get married because he needs his space and he doesn't want you to take all of this as a rejection, and the next day tells you he doesn't think you and he are compatible....which of these two reasons is more likely? Is it really him...or is it me?
  3. Well he definitely hasn't dumped me, since we still talk fairly frequently and see eachother regularly. However, I do think that I "put out" way too early, and I need to start withholding the booty to determine whether there's potential for anything beyond that.
  4. Well, there has been some clarification in my situation with the online guy and I guess I am still curious as to what other [impartial] people (that would be you guys!) think is going on here in light of these developments. About a week after I posted this thread, he asked me if I was ok with having this sort of intimate relationship without being in a bf/gf situation, and I told him I was cool with it, assuming this was his way of conveying that he wasn't looking for anything serious (neither am I...as much as I'd like something serious and stable, my main priority right now is finishing law school and I think it would be unfair to drag a sig other into second place.) Since then, we IM and text one another fairly frequently, and usually spend at least one day a weekend with eachother. We'll see a movie or go out to a bar or he'll come visit me at school. As is my wont, I've found myself getting a little attached to him but I kind of fear we've set a precedent for my being only slightly above a booty call and nothing more. Considering that we've already kind of established we aren't "together", I'm curious as to whether there is any hope of this becoming something more...if not now, then perhaps in the future. I don't have a lot of time right now and neither does he, but I'm afraid of him disappearing from my life if I don't reign him in somehow, and I just don't know if I should approach him for another discussion on our status or just leave things as they are. Any comments, suggestions, or what have you?
  5. Thanks guys, I totally agree. I have better things to do with my time than try to interpret the actions of flakes. Rose, you are a total sweetheart...the best of luck to you.
  6. Back in May of this year, I broke up with a classmate who I had dated for about a month and posted about it in these forums trying to figure out what happened and how I could get over him (I had fallen really fast and hard; I was silently convinced that he was "the one".) He broke up with me kind of suddenly, after we spent a few days away together, over the phone, and then blocked me on AIM despite the fact that I never once tried to get him back or gave him any indication that I was unusually upset over the split. I managed to drag myself through the last few weeks of class and finals, confused and underconfident, then went away to Germany for a month and was over him midway through the summer. Anyway, I have been back in school for a week and haven't communicated with him beyond a polite hi when I encounter him in the hall or when he approaches a group of mutual friends that I happen to be hanging out with. Two nights ago, he called me after nearly five months of ignoring me completely, and proceeded to complain to me about a school club that we had both attended a meeting for (which he felt was poorly organized.) I should have just hung up, but I listened and politely asked him how his summer had been and what his plans for his professional future were. We ended the call on a "take care" note, as if it was a business call. Anyway, what was up with that call? Can anybody tell me what he's thinking and what he wants out of me at this point? I have no desire to date him again nor to maintain anything beyond some semblance of professionalism with him, so I'm a little confused as to how I am to proceed in this situation.
  7. All very good and very inevitable questions. Yes, we have been intimate several times. As for whether I've shown any real interest, I'm not sure what constitutes that. I am a nervous person and I tend to be reserved physically and emotionally around people I haven't known very long, but I did explain this to him and told him I liked him the last time we were together, even if I seemed cold on occasion. I've also made several trips out of my way to see him at his place...I would think this counts for something.
  8. I came here a few months ago regarding a short-term relationship gone bad, and was grateful for the advice I got from some of the members of this forum. I have returned now for some more of that good advice. I recently joined a dating site in the hopes of meeting new people, and ended up meeting a guy with whom I had two successful dates before he invited me up to his apartment for dinner with him and his roommate. I accepted and we ended up having a nice night, followed by another dinner party at his place a few days later. That last dinner party went well enough, but the next morning things just felt rather awkward between the two of us for no discernible reason. In the week that has followed, we've kept in touch on AIM but he has not invited me out again, and our conversations have become somewhat dry. I enjoyed his company and am just curious as to what exactly is going on here. Did he lose interest? Was he just concerned with the fact that I am going back to school next week and will have less time for other people than I've had all summer? Is he waiting for me to ask him out again, and should I do so under the current circumstances? Just want to get a feel for what my options are. Thanks!
  9. I think that, in addition to the actual duration of the relationship, the relationship's level of seriousness and the level of involvement with the person are also factors in determining how to "correctly" dump someone. I think it's always better to err on the side of face to face breakups if the person one is breaking up with is somebody with whom one wishes to retain a personal or professional relationship post-breakup, or with whom one has had a decent acquaintanceship before dating. About a month ago, I also had a guy I had been seeing for a month call me on the phone to tell me he didn't think things were working out between us and that he was too busy to try and work at it. I think that, had this been just a casual one month relationship with a guy I had met at a bar or through a friend and hung out with every few days or so, I would have totally understood and not felt so slighted by this phone-dump. However, this guy was a classmate with whom I had been on friendly terms before dating him, and with whom I had spent a good number of hours every single day on the phone or out for coffee or at my apartment watching TV. In addition, I had gone away with him for a few days immediately preceding said phone-dump, and I was going to see him in class every day for the next three weeks (thank goodness for summer break). Soooo, despite the measly one-month duration of the relationship and the lack of official commitment, I was furious that he couldn't give me some professional courtesy at the very least and tell me to my face that things weren't going to work out. In fact, I am still a bit miffed, and I refuse to speak to him past a polite "hi" when we cross paths. So, yeah. Several factors to consider, IMO. But personally, having been both dumper and dumpee at one time or another, I am a wholehearted champion of the face to face breakup. I think there's a lot of respect and compassion for the dumpee displayed by use of that tactic.
  10. Maximus -- What you are experiencing is typical post-breakup emotions...it really does feel like the end of the world sometimes, and nothing you do will feel like it is getting you through this. Everybody takes a different amount of time to heal, and the important thing to remember is that you will heal, so don't give up and just drag yourself through your daily routine because the emotions will fade and you will be back on track before you know it. Take care of yourself, be strong, and you will be your old self again in no time!
  11. Leroy -- He said he could accept that "things happen sometimes" and although he didn't want me sleeping with other guys he would have to accept that I might. Same went for him and other women, apparently. I don't really subscribe to that theory, which I made very clear...I wonder what he hoped to gauge with that question and how significant it was. And my longest relationship was a year and a half...not as long as some, I know, but definitely enough to form some sort of bond with the person and not feel like anything silly ruined whatever we had. Gotta -- I guess I feel like I've just invested money in the stock market and lost it all...I want to feel like all of the work and emotion I invested in this person (yes, even after just a month it feels like something of an investment)won't just go to waste and leave us strangers. But I guess this is the whole Mars / Venus distinction people are always making...I'm a woman, and I have all these sentimental goals and he....well, he's a man, and you've explained that gender well enough.
  12. Thanks for the responses...the more I get, the more I feel I can learn for future reference. Leroy -- It actually wasn't his looks that attracted me initially...he's not even my ideal physical type. I liked that he was a little older than me, somewhat accomplished (he had already established a career before he decided to take a stab at law school), and that he was articulate, assertive, and appreciated good literature. He also pursued me pretty aggressively, which never hurts. We had some differences, but as I saw it we had a lot of fun together. Yes, I tend to get attached pretty quickly, but in the past I've somehow been fortunate enough to be involved with guys who were the same way, and we generally ended up in fairly long-term relationships which ended amicably. This was my first time getting involved with someone past the first date stage which ended in me being dumped so quickly. I didn't just randomly bring up commitment...he asked me several questions about how I would feel if he or I met other people and ended up sleeping with them, and I answered as honestly as I could (yes, it would hurt.) Do you think things would have lasted if these talks hadn't come up? Gotta -- Yes, I am already beginning to heal...obviously, as much as it bugged me, time simply won't let a one month relationship ruin my life. Occasionally I still miss him and wish we could at least have the civil classmate relationship back, or that I could call him about an assignment. I think it's the "what-ifs" that bug me most of all...could it have been something more if I hadn't gotten so clingy? Would it eventually have fallen apart anyway, and hurt even more by then? But in the long run, yes, I'm glad I've had this experience now, when I'm [relatively] young, so I can learn from it and try not to make the same mistakes with the next guy I get along with.
  13. Easyguy, I just have to post my two cents worth because I read your post and just had such a wave of empathy wash over me. I, too, have always felt uneasy and anxious in social situations and never had a date in high school because I just didn't know how to interact with people (a few guys liked me but I was too shy to give them a chance). I had my first relationship/kiss when I was 18 and then another relationship when I was 23, interspersed with a casual relationship or two in college and law school. I am 25 now and I still have trouble relating to other people, especially men. I get anxious and tongue-tied when people say hello to me suddenly, and I feel as if I'm hyperventilating if I am forced to socialize at networking events or speaking engagements (as a law student, it is difficult for me to avoid these things.) But as Ta_Ree_Saw points out, it is imperative that you push yourself outside of your comfort level. It feels like hell at first, but eventually it becomes second nature...I used to walk into a classroom feeling like everyone was looking at me and judging my appearance or actions, but after years of forcing myself I can finally walk into a room looking and feeling like I'm confident, and this small improvement has really changed the way people react to me (I get asked out a lot more, and people seem more eager to talk to me than they used to). Plus, I feel a lot better about myself. You're still pretty young and, with some practice and experience, I'm sure you can become a much more confident and charismatic young man (the musician thing raises the attractiveness factor that much more). Of course, it never hurts to go see a psychologist or psychiatrist...you may be suffering from depression or social anxiety disorder, in which case counseling or medication may be prescribed to help you function better.
  14. I don't know if I can change sections...even if I could, I'd imagine that the administrative hassle would probably end up being more trouble than it's worth. Fortunately, today is the last day of classes and then, after finals, I will be heading out of the country for a month...so by the time I return I hasten to guess he will be a distant memory!
  15. Thanks for the responses. I was worried that I had perhaps come on too strong in asking for a commitment so early in the game, which I'm sure may have been a factor in his decision, but relationship overload and/or lack of chemistry no doubt played their part. I thought I'd seen my fair share of relationship woes by now and then BAM, a basic breakup just throws me for a loop. It's always hard to accept that somebody you like can be attracted to you at first and then realize he doesn't like you after all...but sometimes a reality check is really in order. Again, thanks so much for the responses...I will be checking back here often. This site has been so helpful!
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