joyce1412

where do i begin? how about... "you're so vain"! there are plenty more i could think of, though...

I guess it's important to know what you want, sometimes the best things are right in front of your eyes and you don't notice until they're gone. Honestly, I think like most guys (or people), I want everything I can have or at least want others to want me. I wanted to keep that possibility open with my ex, to know if I wanted to I could be with her, or still receive attention from her. you contradict yourself greatly with these statements. on the one hand, you never realized how good you had it with her, she's "the best"; on the other, you really just want the option of being with her and having her lavish with you attention. and earlier you said you weren't even sure if you loved her, you thought you might have been using her! i think you need to get this situation straight in your mind, and you also ought to think about what a relationship really is to you.

well mysteriousgirl, i agree with everyone's thoughts that manipulation isn't the way to go. it's very common, this stage that you are going through: the "bargaining" stage of grief, where you say "well, what if i/he/we _______? then maybe he'd want me back. then maybe it would work." you aren't ready to accept the end yet, so you try to find a way around it. don't waste your time trying to become a yes-man (or yes-woman). use this time to become strong and independent. that's a waaaay stronger aphrodisiac than manipulation.

i think it's very fair to ask him his intentions in a way that isn't "guns blazing," crazy-woman stuff. in your next email you can make some light jokes or whatever, and then say, "so, why exactly have you been getting in touch with me lately, stranger?" it can come off as sort of flirtatious and you won't seem demanding. there's no reason he should be shy about what he wants. i don't think it's uncommon of dumpers to get in touch a few months after a breakup because they think enough time has passed that you can be "friends" now. that was the case with my ex. he seemed to think it was totally normal to pop in saying and doing all sorts of things that were hugely misinterpreted on my part...and believe you me, everyone who heard the things he'd been telling me totally thought he wanted me back. he said he wanted to be my friend only after i asked him to be straight with me, and when i told him i was angry that he wasn't clear about his intentions, he pulled the "who, me? what do you mean?" pouty act. so watch out...

to be honest, i think you already made your decision when you posted this thread. just be honest with yourself, you know that reconciliation is what you want and it sounds like you'll do just about anything to make it happen. i don't think that there's anything anyone could say to make you not pursue this. just to put the idea out there...i think it's going to be very, very easy for you to go back into this relationship even if there are red flags, because you had/have a lot of feelings for her. once you allow her entry into your life via this "friend" role, i can't really see what would persuade you to not want to resume a romantic relationship. i just hope you are vigilant, and don't accept scraps from her when you could be having something whole from another girl.

had some time myself on a drive back from dinner with some friends. i'm at the point where I no longer feel devastated by losing her, and I know that I'll be fit as a fiddle regardless of how things turn out. but i do miss her. i still love her and miss looking into her eyes, being close. i miss the little things - it always seems to come down to those little things. but i do know that if anything will ever work out, she'll have to take the first big step towards me. okay captain, i think i understand you much better now. i couldn't understand why you cared so much about what she was doing when you claimed to not want her back--but now you're being honest. which is good. now i see why you have been so affected by her actions: you still care. a lot. and you still want her back. a lot. yes, you'll be fine without her, but you haven't let go. however, in a way my opinion on your situation hasn't changed. you need to detach. she certainly isn't making this easy for you, but you NEED to. you have to disentangle yourself from the madness if you're ever going to get used to single life, and then get used to the idea of being with another woman. i totally know how you feel, captain. i have to hand it to anyone who can honestly say, "i wouldn't EVER take my ex back." also, since you have no other prospects, the thought of her is extra tempting. but i really hope you make a stronger effort to move on, and try to stay uninvolved with what she's doing or saying.

i'm sorry you're feeling so torn right now. my thoughts on this? We both want this, but I don't want the pain again and she did this to me TWICE. you know what they say...fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... are you ready to set yourself up for that? here are some of the things i would ask myself if i were you: 1. if my friend were in this same position, what would i advise him to do? 2. am i prepared to possibly, even probably, go through this hurt again just to see if we can make it work again? 3. what has she shown me to indicate that she has changed? 4. can i accept the fact that however much more time i spend on her could have been spent finding and dating another great girl who has never hurt me? 5. can i give my whole heart to a girl who was willing to toss me aside for another? 6. does she want me back because she is feeling weak, because she was disappointed with the other guy, because her life isn't going so well right now? or does she want me back because she truly loves me? 7. at 18 years old, do i believe that this is a woman i can spend the rest of my life with? (because let's be honest, there's not much of a point in getting back with her if you don't want to be with her in the long run.) it might sound like i'm leading you in a certain direction, and maybe i am. like now better said, don't forget what she has done, all the hurt she has put you through. that doesn't get erased just because she's decided she wants you again. however, i hope you are happy with whatever decision you make.

the way i see it, the biggest questions here are: why do you want to know? why do you care? captain, i've seen some of your posts before: complex play-by-plays of your encounters with the ex, your suspicions about what she's doing. she hasn't told you she wants to get back together with you, and you've already said you don't really want to get back together with her. so, why care in the first place? you are doing yourself a great disservice by agonizing over all of this stuff. if she really has some crazy intentions for showing up at the same places as you, let her be crazy. you can't control what she does. but where are you going to get by psychoanalyzing her? and how are you ever going to know you've gotten a definitive answer? the questioning will never end. should you reach out to her? no, i don't think you should. you should keep living your life as a single guy, and stop beating yourself up interpreting her every move. if i could write you a prescription, it would be to take the time you're using to write these posts to go to the gym or go out drinking with all your friends. THAT will make you feel better. THIS won't. THIS is just going to rile you up and keep you in a pattern of being overly sensitive to what she does with her life. this is your life now, so carpe diem.

Dear Joy, don't forget to get your oil changed regularily. Orlander HAHAHA!

Joyce, Poetsheart, I guess you guys are right. Stay strong, PS! awww, no need for the shame-face, ellie! i can understand why you would find something like that flattering, but as a recipient of a similar message from my ex, i know that that sort of thing is really hard to take. i recognized that somewhere in there was my ex's intent to be kind, but more than anything it made me extremely hurt and depressed, and he definitely should have known better.

it's definitely not a game. there's no way i could have any kind of friendship with my ex right now, and i probably won't ever. i think i will always feel weird about seeing him with someone else. thereforeeee, we probably can't realistically be friends. i'm in NC because i decided that if my ex didn't want a love relationship with me, i wouldn't be willing to do anything else. i've never second-guessed this decision. it was the right thing to do for me. i want to make as much room in my heart as possible for the next person i love.

why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free? i think you know he's not going to want you as a girlfriend after you've already offered him the goods without commitment.

"i'm sorry... ...i'm sorry that you made the biggest mistake of your life. there are others who won't make the same mistake. see ya."

i called him tonight i asked where we stand he said he doesnt know he said he wants to keep hanging out and see where things go from here... are you satisfied with that answer? i think that people who profess to "not know" whether they want to be with you have actually given you an answer. it's just that it's not the answer you want to hear, so you ignore it. right now he knows that you'll hang out with him, make out with him, and have sex with him without expecting any commitment. what's not to like? at this point, you're like a ragdoll to him. he can play with you, he can toss you around, he can do whatever he wants--because you're telling him that you're up for all of it. don't you think that you're better than that?

Joyce, you're right. I guess he felt some kind of inclination to 'manage' me, yet he would bite himself in the a__s by doing so. He contradicted himself more than I could count. He would tell me he was sick of making the decision for 2 people, that he hated I was quiet at times and didn't have input, yet would yell at me if I said or did ANYTHING he didn't agree with. Now that I have spent a few days away from him NC, I see how disturbed he has to be to have done the things he did. If something didn't go his way, no matter how small or silly it was, he would throw me out or make me leave his home, then ignore me. It's tough right now, as he was very dear to me many times, but I guess I can't think of those times. He has a side to him that no girl deserves to see.. wow, that's the best reason for seeking professional help i've seen in a long time! he's going to continue to have this problem in his relationships, i imagine. that's the kind of deep-rooted problem that doesn't get solved easily. getting yelled at and thrown out sounds awful! i can't imagine having to go through that. when i got too nostalgic about my ex, something that helped me was talking to a girlfriend who hadn't heard all the gory details and describing some of the specific things my ex said or did. the normal reaction was, "WHAT!? what a jerk! i can't believe him! omigod! alkasdflkasfas! i hate him, he doesn't deserve you!" that kind of thing. seeing them react to him with such shock and anger helped ME see him through their eyes and get angry with him again, because in my head i was being way too easy on him. so maybe you could try calling a friend next time you're in need of a reality check.