sirkindirkin

I spoke with her over the phone, and then sent the email much later. We are still talking though... The relationship is really complicated. We've tried counseling and such. Anyways, like I said before, I shouldn't have posted such a brief comment with so few details - I was just feeling frustrated and needed an outlet. I like this bored though, and appreciate the insightful responses.

I have put everything into this relationship, and have tried to justify staying based on how hurt she would be. You are right that this relationship seems odd - it is really charged with fear and insecurity. It's truly not that I'm lazy, but I feel it very difficult to convey the nature of the relationship - we are both unique individuals, and have a very strange dynamic. I'm not suddenly seeking the easiest way - I'm only doing after much strife and agravation, and I'm going to talk with her first. I lose my words when I'm faced with severe reactions though, and that's why I'm utilizing email. Anyways, again, i shouldn't have posted in the first place, because I gave off the wrong idea - I was just very nervous and tense and seeking an outlet.

The details of the relationship are complicated--too complicated to relay here. I'm not a weak person - it's strange that you would jump to that judgement so quickly. I shouldn't have posted the original message I guess, because of course people are going to react like that without knowing the details. If you knew my situation, you would see how things would only be worse if I tried any other way. Anyways, I know I shouldn't have sought advice like this; I've spoken with people intimately aware of the situation, and they agree that I should write down my feelings and give them to her.

Well, I was troubled enough to post because the whole relationship is troubling. It's not that I'm a coward, it's that she will refuse to hear me out if I try to tell her things otherwise. That's why I'm writing down my thoughts, so she can get them. I'd rather do it in person, and hand her a letter, but that is impossible at this point.

Well, I'm going to talk briefly with her on the phone first, but I'm putting my feelings down in the email, because I have trouble expressing myself with her. My background is in my other posts, so please search for my user name to find out the situation.

I can't tell her in person because it is a long distance relationship. To my credit, it's a long email. She has threatened to hurt herself in the past, and she uses how miserable she is to get me to stay. The relationship is not healthy because of her possessiveness and jealousy, and I can't indulge her anymore.

I'm breaking off a 3-year relationship. It's going to be very hard, and I very much fear her reaction. I'm doing it via email, which is dishonorable I know, but considering how severe her reaction was when I tried to break in the past, I feel it's the only way.

Well, she will call me up instantly, hyperventiliating and telling me that she can't believe this is happening. She'll wonder why I've been lying all this time when I say I want to be together, and that I can see our future together...

I feel terrible today - I'm finally breaking it off. I'm sending her a break-up notice over email. I know it's a completely dishonorable way to end a 3-year relationship, but I can't deal with her reaction if we do this on the phone or in person - I've tried and failed by doing that before.

Thanks - I'll definitely be in touch.

Thank you everyone for the advice - I'm really surprised to find a little community here where strangers are telling me things that I know I should be hearing, and they're saying it better than I ever could. I'm going to read everything everyone has to say like 10 times, and I'm going to seriously try to change my mind-set. Like I said, at this point, I'm kinda conditioned like a Pavlovian dog, and just the thought of having "the conversation" with her makes my stomach ill. But I really can't compromise my well-being and happiness, so I have to figure a way to let her know, regardless of her reaction.

The few friends that I have say very similar things to what you all have expressed (though I feel guilty even talking about this, and feel like I have to take the post down before the night is over lest she somehow discover it online).

Thank you for the quick replies. Melrich, you're right to say that she will be utterly devestated. She talks about how I can't do that to her again ("that" being breaking up). She says she's planned too much of her life around us (it's true that a deciding factor in choosing a Ph.D. program was the fact that it's near my family), and that she won't be able to cope psychologically.

Hey everyone. I hesitate to post on here, because I always think that nobody can really understand my unique situation, but I'm trying to reach out. I know that there are all kinds of people on here: young people, old people, dense people, and really insightful people. I would love for one of the latter to assess my situation and give me some advice. Here goes: I'm a 28 year old man in a 3 year relationship with a sensitive, attractive, intelligent lady of 24 (wait for the "but"). But...she is overly possessive and jealous, and cuts me off from other people and activities in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. Moreover, ever since this relationship started I’ve realized that I need time and space for myself that I can't have while being in a relationship. I've been very conflicted throughout these 3 years, and it's starting to get really serious as we make future plans. I'm finding I can't summon the backbone to live my life like I want while being with her. Even when I initially met her, I told her I wouldn't be ready to marry for many years; somehow this conviction, along with many others, has gone unacknowledged, and what's worse is that I've been complacent about it. It's not lost on me that I must have low self-esteem as well, or I would have been able to assert my own needs and values come-what-may. I acknowledge my role in this: I have selfishly acted in way to avoid conflict. I have a real problem with telling her only part of how I feel - the part that I know she'd like to hear. It's true that I think she is a lovely, beautiful person, and that I love her. In the end, though, I don't think I want a serious relationship for many years, even without her possessiveness and jealousy. As you can see, I've failed myself, and now I'm taking us both down a bad road and I hate myself for it. Your advice please.