Batya33

Attraction in the sense of wanting arm candy- you prize being with someone who has certain physical features -is different from chemistry -to me chemistry is essential. And often is related to what someone looks like but not always and not always to any real extent. My husband and I are 57. We are not hot looking. Last night we were at a dinner party and - unusually -we were able to sit as a couple while our teenage son sat at the "teenager table" instead of with us -so it felt like a date to us. We held hands for part of the time laughed in a way that with our son would not have been the same sort of couple laughter, etc. No I didn't feel like sneaking upstairs to have sex with him but after knowing him since the mid 90s and being together and married this time over 15 years I still think that sense of clicking/attraction/chemistry is essential- it's the glue that keeps our marriage healthy. We had intense zazaza stuff when we first got back together and many many times throughout our "courtship" but because we're confident in the core of attraction and chemistry to me anyway you don't have to feel that level of intensity to know you're with the right person romantically (yes, at times I still feel that way and I can totally go back to that time in my head and know it was real and is real) and you don't have to think "wow she's hot!!!" to feel chemistry . Certainly being repulsed is no good but feeling that overall chemistry doesn't require a focus on physical features -more like -to me - a "noticing" like noticing your partner is attractive looking, noticing his eyes, and sure I don't mind that at my age I'm physically fit and slim and cute enough and sure it's nice when he compliments me (and I do the same). Be brutally honest with yourself - how important are physical features to you - and consider in a long term relationship what if she loses those particular physical features -maybe gets a bit flabbier, doesn't lose baby weight for a few years, gets age spots or wrinkles and isn't into botox or potions. It's totally fine if you are a person who is very focused on certain physical features just like some people are very focused on certain sexual positions or ways of having sex -but your priorities will help you pick better and always be open to reevaluating your priorities. This woman deserves someone who thinks she's all that - and you don't -let her go. IMHO.

It's time to retrain the brain. Remind yourself of the present, live in the moment or at least that hour/that day. Also the rewards -meeting parents who you can network with in the future for your career (one of my best mentors was the mom of one of my kindergarten students when I was 23), the money you can save for your future or spend on something extra you want, etc. and you'll be more prepared for the Sunday stress some people get who work a traditional weekday job. I'm 57 and often anticipation of starting or continuing a work project is far worse than when I get myself seated and into it. And totally fine to bribe yourself for not dwelling. Also count your blessings -to like the work and your coworkers and to have such a healthy lifestyle gig - it's a bit unusual!

It's time to retrain the brain. Remind yourself of the present, live in the moment or at least that hour/that day. Also the rewards -meeting parents who you can network with in the future for your career (one of my best mentors was the mom of one of my kindergarten students when I was 23), the money you can save for your future or spend on something extra you want, etc. and you'll be more prepared for the Sunday stress some people get who work a traditional weekday job. I'm 57 and often anticipation of starting or continuing a work project is far worse than when I get myself seated and into it. And totally fine to bribe yourself for not dwelling. Also count your blessings -to like the work and your coworkers and to have such a healthy lifestyle gig - it's a bit unusual!

Thank you - I read this wrong. I thought the fiancee wanted to meet the ex one on one. I agree that a group meeting is fine but no need for one on one because of the obvious motives. My situation was the new wife wanting to meet me -the ex girlfriend (and no kids involved).

I think in an established or regular relationship there often is implied consent. I lived through the early 90s "Antioch college" rules of consent -I was way out of college but it was - really interesting how I think that one college came up with all of these guidelines for getting consent -each and every step of the way. I'm sure SNL did a skit on it. Certainly if two people just meet there should never be an assumption that intercourse is ok. But as others and I said if it's not verbally communicated before being in a private location with a new person or a change of plans like "sure you can sleep over but I'm just up for cuddling and smooching tonight, k? I was asked in a non pressured way by a couple of guys whether I was "sure" I didn't want to - and I simply confirmed and all was well. But yes it was verbal.

Say it by writing or typing it out then sending it to yourself. Your hard time isn't about her as a person but about you. I hope you feel better and more peaceful.

The next time you're having to play detective don't- don't play -at all - walk away -there is nothing healthy about what he had you do or what you did.

No because you have no way of knowing if she's applied to work in law enforcement here or anywhere else.

Well - no - no medication is going to change your attraction to her or how your eyes look unless it's a medication where you're asleep. If she is pushed away by sensing you are attracted to her then your answer is she is not the right person for you. Is your priority intercourse or is it being close to your girlfriend, feeling attraction and showing it other than through intercourse for now? You're wildly speculating and again your assuming you need medication is terribly concerning and doesn't make much sense as far as what a healthy relationship looks like. Also if you are staring at her body parts that might make her uncomfortable especially if she is trying to have a conversation with her. Do you actually like this person as a person? Do you have a lot in common? Do you have fun talking to her and hanging out with her? If you're constantly staring at her in a sexually hungry way that will make most partners uncomfortable because it's too much and feels objectifying after awhile. You can sexually desire a person and not stare at them in a sexually provocative way.

I think it's fine to tell her you're not comfortable with a one on one meeting because even though you're not concerned that your ex's inaccurate um information will affect your fiancee who needs to stir the pot. Can you arrange a group meeting?

Something is very very wrong here -with you- if you feel that in order to be with your girlfriend and abstain from intercourse you'd have to take hormonal medication? How about just the basic - when I desire to have sex with her I -will choose not to have intercourse. You are a human. You'll be fine not having intercourse with your girlfriend even if you feel desire to have intercourse. I'm sure from a young age you've learned how to manage appropriate reactions to feelings and desires that could not be fulfilled at that moment. Without meds.

Ask her if anything is going on with her or between you two that she is feeling upset or uncomfortable about. Ask her in a curious way, not with any sort of pushiness. Then be quiet.

Yes all of this -have zero contact with this person and don't let it stop you from attending.

This is one individual who acted like a total jerk and I'm glad you found out sooner rather than later.

I'd move on too. It's not because he is "losing feelings" -he made a choice not to maintain the connection from a distance - he should be honest about that -LD is not for everyone (my husband and I made it work and I always had the desire to connect with him by phone, to make plans to see each other etc and when I committed to him I knew we'd be long distance for awhile and on and off and when I committed I committed to maintaining and growing our connection and relationship. If I realized it wasn't for me I'd have ended it. No one can control how they feel but they can control the reactions - find someone who is fine with how feelings change, ebb, flow and up for maintaining and growing their connection to you even when it's in an ebb stage because you and the relationship and the future are more than worth it. I'm sorry you're disappointed and please don't try to convince him to stay or chalk it off to "overthinking".