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Batya33

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Batya33 last won the day on March 17

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  1. Yes my relationship with my husband and son take priority and yes I couldn't stand the notion of friendship as a placeholder until "settling down". Nope not for me no I don't click with women or men who behave like that. To me it's not like "who is more valuable" - odd way of evaluating people - but for sure my committment to my marriage and family is more important to me all else equal than my commitment to a friend. So for example I distanced myself from a friend who sent us a holiday card addressed to me and used the name of my ex boyfriend to refer to my husband - an ex he knows of. Seriously? She'd met my husband numerous times and he set her up with his friend years ago. She did apologize when I pointed it out but didn't think it was a big deal - so all else equal I didn't contact her as much. I mean maybe that's a silly example but it's not about "value" - that seems kinda cold. Not how I think about it. If I'd followed studies I'd never have tried to conceive at almost 41 and never dreamed of getting back together with an ex fiancee in my late 30s with my clock ticking given the risk of it not working out. I'd never have tried to get a job in my field in my late 40s, and on and on. It's all a risk -you balance the risks for yourself. It's certainly riskier to be a married mommy than single and childless in certain ways. I don't risk being around certain breeds of dogs and others are appalled at my attitude -but on balance I can live my life quite nicely without being around those dogs and by avoiding all dogs outside who are off leash while others think that is just silly. You balance the risks for yourself.
  2. We totally agree. I wrote that many times. I agree with Bolt on how it is - misused- alternatively used in dating - and I think too often it's used as "too nice" to mean the ulterior motive/doormat situation. It's a shame. We agree it's great to be nice as you described it -and I did too! Edited to add I also like how Rainbowroses described it -without the balance -the edge -I start to doubt it's coming from a place of reasonable confidence. And in dating that doubt if it continued was -for me -a major turn off. I did know women who enjoyed leading their partners around like as if they were a cute nice puppy. They liked the control and making all the decisions. They loved the yes man they chose. It made me kinda sick (I mean whatever turned them on -just not for me). I think reasonably healthy people with reasonable confidence want someone who is thoughtful, kind and nice especially for marriage or the long term - as long as it's coming from a reasonably confident place. What that "girl" told you is a typical throwaway line -nothing to argue with -one of those sweet cliches like you write in a yearbook -mine has them too "you're so nice don't ever change!!" Obviously -don't change treating humans with respect and kindness from a good place and with reasonable boundaries so you're also treating yourself with respect and appropriate boundaries. I'm tired of the assumption that women who decline "nice" in the doormat way want a bad boy. Nope. Or want someone who is not nice. Nope.
  3. Why do you care who is "accountable" when the bigger picture is your grandchildren and your potential access to them? As myself and others have written on this and other threads would you rather be "right" or "close." My teenager texted me the other day -emphasis on "teenager" simply to say "thanks so much for helping me this morning I feel so much better." I don't even know what precisely I said to help and the text made my day - you can get texts like that too if you spend time with your grandchildren so that they feel safe with you and safe perhaps to open up and confide -I had grandparents I turned to for advice but that was because I was close to them. My son and mom have an awesome relationship (other grandparents unfortunately have passed) - she reaches him in certain ways that I as mom cannot and it's -beautiful - we live far away but he carries her in his heart and is so open with her. And they have so much fun including with their little inside jokes on brief phone calls. Wow -I hope this helps see how awful it would be to potentially miss out with your big words like "accountable" - can your grandkids even pronounce that yet or do you want to wait until they can - and you'll see it on some video they make for someone else?
  4. Yes. I agree. And it's not about whether she technically cheated - technically some would say you can't cheat unless you married -who cares what it's called other than it's called showing you she's a bad match for you and that's one of the reasons why.
  5. No it doesn't work that way in a loving, romantic relationship that includes sex/making love/being sexual and you want the logic to work because of what I and Canuck and Jaunty have said but instead of soothing your fears (or confirming them) it leads you further down the rabbit hole. Then you use it as an excuse to test him. It's nice he sent you a spicy text it means at that moment he wanted to have sex with you most likely. But if a romantic committed relationship is healthy those texts are nice/perks/fun but most often not needed for reassuring if the foundation of your relationship is strong. He might like watching teen porn in the future- but it doesn't mean you're not his choice to be in a committed romantic relationship with. Whether separately that would be a dealbreaker for moral/ethical/Ick Factor reasons is -separate.
  6. I'd abide by what you two agreed to as far as notice and the financial aspects.
  7. I think it's time to keep your distance from this person in every way because you're highly critical of her and resentful. And you also care and worry about her -so for that part I'd offer to help her find resources related to her pregnancy or parenthood if she asks you. Perhaps if she asks you to go to a pregnancy appointment with her, go with and keep her company -but I think your emotions towards her are too negative for you to be this close to her.
  8. I hope tomorrow is better!
  9. I don't think it's nice to be nice when the main motive is to gain approval from others or because you're too insecure to say no -so you're being more of a martyr. That's too passive and/or self-absorbed. Most women I know and know of the last 40 years or so who are referring to dating and refer to a guy as a "nice guy" often refer to that in a conversation about "well, I'm not attracted to him but he's soooooo nice". For sure not always. Or it's a generic throw away comment not anything specifically thoughtful about the person or a specific thing he did that was kind. But that's just my experience living in two major cities for 57 years -but only dated in the first one for over 20 years. Obviously the term may be used quite differently. I think people who are kind and thoughtful from a perspective of reasonable confidence and are also kind and thoughtful to themselves including with boundaries are people who healthy people like to be around and gravitate to.
  10. Your words not mine. I don't believe that at all. And it sure isn't a piece of cake being a mom with some of the generalizations that are made about moms whether they work outside the home or not. I share my health insurance with my husband. If I didn't I'd seek coverage at my job or some other sort of coverage. No biggie. I can't imagine dating especially looking for a serious relationship all bogged down in the negative assumptions you seem to have -but maybe I'm reading wrong? You're well intentioned and smart and caring -perhaps you might want to reconsider some of this negative stuff?
  11. Same when I was a single adult till age 42 and I was single when pregnant until my 8th month. Never had any issue with health care, have always lived in a major city, never lived with anyone -roommate or partner (except a few months with my husband when we were engaged the first time -we didn't officially live together until after we were married). In fact there were some really annoying complications accessing health care once I got married and moved - just the change in status and location messed some stuff up.
  12. No I don't and cannot relate and I'm sorry you're disappointed! I agree with whoever wrote that you're likely not ready to date yet. I liked getting to know people at a reasonable pace over time.
  13. No I disagree. I'd have zero expectations of even another date that early on. Anyone can have four crescendo dates with a new person. I was never shocked because I managed my expectations in a realistic way. I enjoyed crescendo dates to the fullest. AND was not shocked if it crashed and burned. But I was dating only to get married so it was essential for me to teach myself how to be realistic so I didn't get jaded. And I didn't.
  14. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Can you apply for financial aid at the college you want? Transfer there later? Talk to the high school guidance counselor who maybe can talk to your parents? I would avoid dating this girl - she's bad news for you and will distract you in a really bad way from your studies and activities. (My son is 15 by the way).
  15. Right. No message. I'd stop assuming "well because I would never ____ no one else would" especially since you only had 4 dates.
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