Batya33
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Am I oversensitive about comments on my body?
Batya33 replied to Sarah Smith's topic in Emotions and Feelings
What I do if someone is dressing or accessorizing differently or new hairstyle -if I feel like commenting I comment on the specific style or accessory "Love your new hair style" or "that's a great scarf!" -
Am I oversensitive about comments on my body?
Batya33 replied to Sarah Smith's topic in Emotions and Feelings
What do you tell them exactly? -
I was done with "I let him" - that comes across as wayyy too controlling. For sure in my marriage my husband knows he needs to check in with me about evening plans because of our son - and yes at times I've said no or asked if we can then arrange for me to get a break if I'm solo parenting again. But if he used illegal drugs or drank to excess with any regularity at all I wouldn't have tried to control that ever. I simply wouldn't have dated him in the first place. I did date a guy who did that when we were in our 20s. I wasn't ok with it and didn't try to control him and was considering ending the relationship. Then there was a situation where I was there and his drinking caused me to be in a dangerous situation and him as well to a lesser extent. After that he chose to stop partying as much. In his 40s I believe he developed an alcohol addiction. Partying can be harmless or can be a sign of drinking problems. But I don't think telling him what to do is going to work. At all.
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Am I oversensitive about comments on my body?
Batya33 replied to Sarah Smith's topic in Emotions and Feelings
You get to create your own boundaries. If someone makes a comment about anything about you you find rude you can - walk away, ignore, or say "I feel uncomfortable when you say that." You own your body so you get to have the boundaries you want. Yesterday a teenager tried to talk to me on the subway platform. I answered his factual question then saw that he was acting in an off way so I walked down the platform. I believe he followed me because he then sat across from me. He randomly addressed me I ignored. He did it again and I quietly got up and walked further down and sat elsewhere. Maybe someone else would have had fun interacting with him. I had no interest in doing so. My son was the target of insensitive comments years ago by a dental hygienist about his height. I chose to call the manager later and complain. They ended up having a full office meeting to address the general issue. Someone else would have thought I was being oversensitive and I didn't give a darn. I don't like when others comment on my body size especially at a restaurant -tying it to what I choose to eat or not (I am thin). Others are cool with that or even feel flattered. I don't. There's a way to calmly and firmly let others know your boundaries and I'd stop second guessing about oversensitivity unless it seems to you somehow you've totally overreacted like someone tells you they love the turquoise in your earrings and you are offended that they must be noticing how large your ears are. -
I'd advise the OP to be more other-centered next time - think about how you are choosing to deliver the message and share what you are feeling, the timing, context. Think about how this other individual who you say you care about and want to give to -right - will likely react to this sort of sharing of feelings. It's your thing to get it off your chest and no air needed to be cleared -he was going about his life just fine. Maybe journal to get out your feelings instead of sharing in the way you did -for sure if he was really into you all he would have heard was "wow she feels the same way whoo hoo!!!!" and it would have been a cute story about how you shared it. But honestly if I wasn't quite there yet but was considering dating someone and that happened -that would give me pause - and make me concerned that the person chose to share in that way instead of let's say asking me for a date.
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I've enjoyed living off the grid temporarily during travels etc. Otherwise-no thanks and it's fun to watch how others choose to live. I had close to 2 hours extra time for me because of technology and ability to transmit a huge amount of information via email/electronically for a project deadline last Friday when 25 years ago when I did the same sort of project it often meant one of us racing by taxi to a post office or fedex to make sure the information made it to where it was going by the deadline. And having a team of people making copies. My mom did customer service for a major insurance company for years in the 80s and 90s and they went off the grid once -when the OJ verdict was announced - no phone calls for those couple of minutes. These days of course you probably could do something automated or enable chat functions so people could watch if needed.
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I think there is a natural -not game playing - dance of intimacy. Especially in the beginning -some pulling back after intense closeness - not in a game way. After an intense catch up with a close friend I hadn't spoken to by phone in years- I likely wouldn't want to be that bonded to her an hour later if she called back and would have preferred a light convo -or none. Maybe I even wouldn't have answered the call. I think it's not natural -or maybe even unfair- to spill on a near stranger your baggage of past relationships which now are going to affect how you see this new person or any new person. I think the recipient should then choose whether to take that on and accommodate. It's not the same thing as a new person saying "oh thanks so much for offering to take me to the new VR place/amusement park - I don't do rides so it's probably not right for me. That might be a dealbreaker for some but typically there are many other options. When someone tells you off the bat she's choosing fear over connection in general maybe you wish her well and tell her if/when she's ready- call and let's see where we are! I think maybe the OP sees it as a challenge -maybe it fueled that "rightness" feeling.
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There is this series on CNBC that's kind of cool and kind of like this called Unlocked -I've watched two partial episodes -a guy who bought a no longer usable jet plane and lives in it and a family who lives full time on a boat -parents and young child.
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I wouldn't put it all on her to tell you when she perceives you as acting controlling and narcissistic. By contrast my husband's random whistling or humming along to commercials when I am eating a meal makes me crazy. He would of course have not known this -he barely knows he's doing it -so it's ok if when he forgets or inadvertently does this I point out that he's doing it and please stop while I'm eating. He's not thrilled I point it out but he understands it's on me since he does it like a reflex. By contrast I don't feel I should ever have to tell him "hey please don't tell me what to do in an arrogant, condescending way." If it's that extreme he, an adult, should know that's not ok and know how either to prevent it -or -more rarely -apologize and realize he was hangry/stressed and overreacted -we're all human. I think it's too burdensome to expect her to point this out each time -i get that you had a diagnosis but pusing on to her the task of pointing out extreme behavior like that doesn't seem healthy or sustainable as a relationship dynamic. Also if it's only 5 times over -what -a year? why is it such a big deal to you now?
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I think this is pretty basic- many couples have different boundaries and approaches when it comes to sharing feelings including timing/context/choosing battles so to speak. and I think it's essential if the couple is going to get along to respect these differences. I mean -isn't it also typical that men and women have gendered differences in how/when -if! - they express feelings? That need not be an issue if there is mutual respect for different approaches to sharing feelings. Yes extremes on either end can be - always stonewalling or constantly having to talk and talk and talk about Feelings and The Relationship -can be exhausting - but I think if you recognize your tendency to stonewall that's good enough - and I don't see why it's necessary to tell her every time she's hurt you - I mean choose your battles. Sure if it's a big deal to you and you'll sulk and feel resentful or mopey for more than let's say -a day or two -might need to bring it up especially if it's an issue that is likely to recur. And it's totally fine to tell her "thanks for encouraging me to tell you every time I feel "hurt" but can we agree that you'll trust me to tell you if it's something that needs to be addressed? Also why do you need your feelings "validated" for every "hurt" - I'm just not getting a sense that she's hurt you badly. And if she has- and it's a regular thing that seems to keep happening consider why you are in a relationship where that is happening? Also sounds like she's playing therapist - and it's a challenge -hmmmm he's a stonewaller -he admitted it -well I'm gonna get him to share alllll his feelings even if it feels icky!
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You have no idea whether they are dating, in a relationship, hooking up, together in a healthy and positive way etc- are you looking for a partner - who is also a close or best friend -or a "hot girl" who you can show off as arm candy?
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I understand wanting to be in touch daily when you're an established couple -that "old fashioned" approach. But you're not a couple in that sense -at all. Sounds a bit too insta relationship to me and I'm glad you're dialing it back.
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I would also try Kristin Hannah's books -The Women -her latest one -and The Great Alone. Also I hope not off topic but check out Alain De Botton book's on love and relationships -not self help -he's a philosopher.
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What are some things I should do before officially ending my life?
Batya33 replied to Der4546's topic in Suicide & Self-Harm
I think this is the sort of thing that is very individual and should only be recommended to the OP by his personal doctor or therapist.