Batya33

I agree and if she is participating there's a big risk of a crash and burn. I would never have participated in this kind of fantasy talk before meeting and most women I know who are looking for serious potential and reasonably healthy might meet the person but with great caution and keep it short. Obviously anything is possible.

Four months to me is long enough to know what his intentions are and I am surprised he didn't share that yet. How often do you see each other? If it's about once a week then for sure ask him "what are your intentions about us?" It's a broad question but a person who wants to be with you and sees serious potential will want to make sure you know that -why would he risk you thinking otherwise and you dating others and leaving him? All relationships require a level of risk and vulnerability. Totally fine if the benefits are not worth the risk of him saying he wants to keep dating but not with any serious potential or whatever. The benefits are avoiding rejection. You are allowed to choose fear over potential closeness. Consider whether that works for you in your life.

I think people can be themselves and work on being more open and approachable and do that while being authentic -it's about stretching not drastic changes. In my early 30s I worked on not being too chatty -it was hard work ! - but the benefits were massive. It was actually my future husband who pointed it out to me -in the best most genuine caring way - (even though we didn't marry for another 11 years!). I have friends who took improv lessons and public speaking lessons to improve social and professional interactions.

I would avoid giving him the benefit of your friendship since you can't be a real friend to someone you want to date who doesn't want to date you. He didn't talk about "us" because he doesn't see you two as a couple so there is no such talk. Focus on what you do know. You know he doesn't want to date you and doesn't see serious potential.

I don't think any therapist who is a professional would dare diagnose someone they don't know -heck you don't know this person either in any relevant way and have no idea if he typed that message or the whole message. I'm sorry you are struggling and I'm glad you are in therapy. I hope it helps you to move on to meeting people who you meet in person ASAP or of course meeting people in real life.

My then extremely shy husband asked me out the first time after meeting me 3 times over 8 months at huge work events (same large company, different departments and floors of the office building) because he said I did that -touched his arm - I barely remembered doing that! We'd been having maybe a 15 minute conversation standing by the bar in a gorgeous hotel ballroom (which was part of what we were talking about) and he was wearing a suit- meaning if I touched his arm it was on his suit jacket not skin LOL. But that and a pep talk on a conference call from his friends -gave him the courage to ask me to lunch during the work day -which I didn't actually know he meant as a date. He is still more on the reserved/quiet side but he grew out of his shyness that he had in his mid-late 20s when we first met in the mid 90s. I'll also add -at that company - there was tons of hooking up and affairs going on so especially at a work event and back then -touching someone's arm would have been totally fine.

Becoming more "communicative" means nothing as far as whether he changed his mind and wanted to be with you in any serious, committed way. Unless the "communication" was "I changed my mind - I would love to see you and talk about how we can make this work for the future - I hope you're still interested and I can't wait to see you again!" - like that.

Lol nope and no interest in doing so. I watched a bit of it - looks interesting!

And assume you'll never know if he typed that message or typed all of it, etc so no need to analyze.

Best feeling. So glad !

I'd add that four dates in four days doesn't count - get to know a person in person over a period of time- a month or more as TeeDee suggested. Please have zero expectations of in person chemistry.

Same exact from me -all of it.

But why would you attempt to take her phone away? I don't need to label that with psychospeak/disorders -I'm not a mental health provider but common sense - as I wrote above- unless I'm missing something I don't know many people who would tolerate a romantic partner or close friend doing that without speaking up right then and drawing a line in the sand. I've had to do that with people in my life who did something extreme like that to me or my son.

It's too much if you ask him if he wants to come to your place for a home cooked meal wink wink but asking about the coworkers -sounds run of the mill to me.

You've asked this many times and you're barking up the wrong tree. A man or woman who chooses to be with another person potentially for the long term isn't "influenced" in that way because people are not puppets. Men and women can change their minds about future potential or change their minds while in a committed relationship -no guarantees. But a person who wasn't available to date seriously because of major life changes who was reasonably healthy and reasonably thoughtful would tell another person who obviously wanted to be with him or her "hey I really like you, I like hanging out with you - and right now with all this turmoil (fill in the blanks) it's not the best time for me to focus on you. How about I call you in a few weeks or (month) when I'm settled ... and if you're still interested and available we'll see where we are." That's rare but it happens with authenticity - why in the world would a person risk not showing up as her best self if she saw serious potential and have the other person lose interest? And lots of things can influence level of attraction -when I was sleep deprived with a newborn I wasn't much interested in sex (nor was it allowed, doctor's orders), and there are many things that influence attraction to one's partner -mental and physical health, stress etc but I don't think any of that influences whether the person feels chemistry, a spark. It simply influences the level of attraction at a given time - someone with a gross cold might be repulsed at the thought of kissing their partner but it's not an issue of whether that person is generally attracted to their partner. Also some people have that friendship caught on fire experience -all of a sudden one day that platonic friend - you're like -wow - I feel a spark -this is so weird! Happened to me at least once and can happen like if you work with someone for years and a situation changes -someone is single again etc you see that person differently. I don't think that applies AT ALL to your situation.