Sad_now

Hi - I have been in an on-off not-so-great relationship where I developed severe trust issues with this guy. He brings out the worst in me - even when he is doing NOTHING. Yesterday he tried to wind me up in public and my reaction was over-the-top. I screamed at him in front of all his mates. He then called me and told me that I was WAY out of line and wants me to keep my distance. He refuses to speak to me or accept my apology. Can I do anything? As I said, the relationship was rubbish and just destructive - yet all I can think of is how RUDE I was....

uh-oh. I have been away and was catching up on your posts, female. You seemed to have had it all under control till now - which is good. Congratulations. The way you were thinking and expressing yourself was positive and reflective. HOWEVER. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED WHEN YOU EMAILED HIM TELLING HIM SOMETHING BAD WOULD HAPPEN? I am not asking a rhetorical question. I am actually asking what triggered it? Was it a panic attack? A sudden rush of loneliness? A rush of anger? It's important to pinpoint it and figure out WHY it happened. Then you need to spot the signs and CONTROL it. Otherwise it's pointless for so many of us to post hundreds of posters saying 'Stay away, stay away' because unless you find the cause, you can never heal the ailment....

Hang in there. You're doing very well.

He may have been trying to protect your feelings by saying you may get together in the future. However, he has made it contingent on time and distance, and unless you see that happening any time soon, let it go. How? Well, get out, meet new people, make time for yourself. I'm sure there are so many things you have wanted to do but never found time for. Set goals, make daily plans. I took up photography and French cooking! I started dance classes. Point is - focus on yourself, spend as much time in the company of others and he will occupy your mind less and less. When are you more likely to obsess over him? Sitting at home alone watching TV? Or out maybe in a evening dance class with loads of acquaintances and nice music? For me, it was the first. You will get over him. You just have to try...VERY HARD.

Hmmm... this sounds contradictory. Maybe you just have residual feelings left over which will go away with time. Also, you broke up with her even though she didn't want to. Now that you have, and still agree it's for the best, you need to give her space to heal the way she wants. You owe her that. If she wants to be your friend, great, if not, fair enough. I had a guy who couldn't be with me, but just kept trying to be friends and ultimately we'd see eachother again, then stop, then be friends, then see each other...each time becoming more and more acrimonious and painful and cruel. It was horrible. I would suggest that you not do this to your ex. Leave the choice of being friends up to her. All the best.

Hi there! Hope you are feeling better today? Has he replied to any of your contact attempts?

Don't blame yourself for anything. Playing the blame game is not going to help anyone - least of all you. Remember, even if your past is tainted, your future is spotless. Go make the best of it. And I KNOW you will Just make a list of what you want to achieve in the next year...and then every day make a short list of what you will do to achieve these goals. And go do them. You will have awful days when this anger subsides, but just remember when you hurt that this is the worst you'll feel - and you're still alive and healthy - and it's only gonna get better. He's not worth your mental energy, good or bad, as he is unattainable. thereforeeee irrelevant. He can go to his new workplace and stay there. Good riddance! You'll do great without him....

I'm glad you have said I am 'attracted to him' rather than 'madly in love with him'. I know you have feelings for him regardless of whether you wanted or not. But it would be best that you try and avoid him so that the 'attraction' dies down because honestly I don't think this will go anywhere. This is the best advice I can give you having been in this situation.... Just a quote I found..."many people in your life (and here) will be a cheerleader or a coach, to try and steer you in the right direction and cheer you on, but in the end it is your game...If you’re not playing the game, you may just be in the stands watching others as they try to achieve their goals. If you find yourself always looking to others who have what you want, you may be living in the stands..."

That's what my ex said. Maybe he was too busy. He did have 5 kids and 2 businesses to run and I KNOW that is demanding... ...but when he said he wanted to watch CSI Miami so I couldn't travel to meet him, I knew it was over!! Not trivialising this (actually I was devastated and so hurt) but it depends on the specifics of the situation.

OK. I'm glad you have come to that realisation. And now the final nail in the coffin, so to speak, if he does try and talk to you and the next month is NOT one-sided, even though you are in love with him..he has a wife. I know it's easy to just compartmentalise his life in your mind and lock away and forget about the 'wife' drawer. She has a life with him while you have 'conversations' and 'special moments'. Cherish these, if you wish, by all means, just don't let these pleasant memories fog the gloomier reality. Anyway, it sounds like you are calmer today and less likely to fire off emails to him. Why are you in love with him? When someone asked that about MY ex, even though I was obsessing over him and depressed and sad and what-not,I had NO answer! There was nothing I actually cherished about him! He'd always been a prat to me! So sometimes, we need to step back and see what exactly is really going on...

Hi again! I'm glad you're feeling much better now. However, this quote by Dilly sums up what struck me: I just get the sense that if he responded to your emails and then came over and said hi and smiles and strikes up a nice conversation, you may be willing to give it another go. I HAVE DONE THIS A GRAND TOTAL OF 9 TIMES WITH THE SAME JERK BEFORE FINALLY THROWING IN THE TOWEL - SO I'M REALLY NOT BEING JUDGEMENTAL OR PREACHY. Are you sure you know that you want to end things? Because that's the only long-term solution. Short-term fixes, while may ease the pain temporarily, will only worsen the final impact...and you know what that is, right? Protect yourself NOW.

Ask her out! Take her by surprise! her reaction should tell you whether she is ignoring you to 'get you' or just because she isn't interested.

Was this AFTER the marriage?

Okay, not to be cruel, but remember how you are feeling at this moment, and then re-live this feeling next time you have the urge to contact him. You do know if he had really wanted to speak to you, he could have today - as they all left early. Also, HE could have emailed YOU asking to speak, right? It doesn't really matter what he thinks of you - and if it makes you feel better, it probably won't be anything bad at all, I'm sure he likes you - but if you continue to contact him with no response (or at best lukewarm responses) from him, what will you think of yourself. Already you have said 'I have nothing to lose' (by emailing him repeatedly) and have called yourself 'foolish' 'easy' 'useless' (I'm just quoting you here). You are putting yourself in a position where how you feel about yourself depends on whether he replies or not. Not good. SO, I strongly would suggest that you go home, treat yourself, have a relaxing bath, eat a tub of icecream, watch a funny film (or all three!) and just let this be now. You have done ALL YOU CAN. You cannot do more without lowering yourself in him opinion and your own. I am really sorry this has happened. I wish I could tell you that it'll all be fine - but my gut feeling is that it won't be. This is something that just has to be accepted. I wish there was a magic balm, but there isn't, and acceptance is only going to come after some pain. And in the meantime, all you can do is be kind to yourself during this process. So just treat yourself in any way you can. Also, keep your distance from him. Only because if he doesn't reply to any of your gestures, you will be hurt. If you don't MAKE a gesture, he cannot reject you and you will not get hurt... This won't be easy - but it will definitely become easier with time.

Thanks - I'm out with friends at the moment. Just giving myself time to enjoy my life and hobbies and career ALL of which were put on a backburner because this destructive relationship which occupied most of my mental energy and time. Now that I have time NOT spent worrying 'is he lying to me?', 'did he mean that?', 'why is he doing this to me?', 'doesn't he care for me?' and so on and so forth, I have SO MUCH TIME and MENTAL ENERGY to focus on my hobbies and life. It just feels good and I can't help thinking 'What was I THINKING?'. I'm just feeling positive after so long that I want to share this feeling with the whole world. Because not too long ago, like many others here, I was just feeling mentally wrecked and felt the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I just want everyone to know that I am no-one special and if I can do it, you definitely will too