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cordell13

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About cordell13

  • Birthday 12/10/1976

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  1. I miss you so much. Even though it was me that ended things. I thought of how we love pho in winter time. I thought of how the days are getting slightly longer now and how much you would appreciate it. I see funny things all the time and want to tell you about it. I bought flowers for myself because you used to buy them for me all the time and they remind me that spring is coming. I wonder...will I regret letting you go? I don't know.
  2. I'm so very sorry for all the awful things that ever happened between us. I'm sorry that maybe had we met at another time in our lives, we actually would have worked out. As sad as I am to be missing my best friend, I know this is for the best and I will always love you. I really hope 2013 gives you all the love and happiness that I couldn't give you. You are a wonderful person...but I hurt you the most. I was selfish and spoiled. I didn't want you to stop wanting me. I didn't want you to have the possibility that there might be another girl out there that you could love more. But it is working its way behind me and I'm slowly understanding that I can't hurt you anymore. You don't deserve that. My life is so empty without you but I know that is the price I have to pay. The closer we got to moving on, the worst it felt to be around you. It's unfathomable to me that I'm not going to know what is happening in your life. We were like two peas in a pod and you always made me laugh. With this heartache I feel now, I actually thank you for it because I didn't think I could feel anything anymore - and I do. You will forever be in my heart and I will never think anything but fondly of you. I love you and I'm so sorry.
  3. I ended things with my ex in a really awful way. I unfriended him on FB and I basically told him to never ever contact me again. Now I'm struggling because I want to contact him and say sorry. We were best friends since we ended it in May and since he found someone new this month, I went balistic and crazy on him and now the regret I have for acting the way that I did is absolutely killing me. He deserves to be happy and God knows I have hurt this guy so bad. I just want to apologize but I don't know that I should. We have been NC for just 3 days. The angst and sadness I feel is absolutely terrible.
  4. Thank you for your advice. I'm willing to do anything not to lose him. I don't even know how or why I did those things to him last night. We were just at a wedding a couple of weekends ago and we were both really drunk both nights and we were totally fine. I'm not sure why all of a sudden I have become this emotional mess when I'm drunk around him. There are no underlying issues. I hold no resentment towards him. I just don't understand where all of this is coming from and it scares me.
  5. I've been seeing someone for 4 months now and we get along perfectly. We are very compatible and being with him has made me the happiest I've ever been. Last night I went out with a friend and got completely wasted. I asked my bf to pick me up and then I blacked out the rest of the night. I know that we got into a huge fight because I remember bits and pieces of it. It was really bad. Nothing physical but I think I may have said some really awful things to him. We have both gotten drunk with eachother before and there have been no conflicts but the last 3 times I have been drunk around him, I'm either crying or upset or I start a fight. But nothing was as bad as last night. So I emailed him today telling him that I was so sorry for disrespecting him and hurting his feelings and that it would never happen again. He responded and said he probably will get over it but not yet. He said he didn't know how I was going to prevent this in the future and the last thing he said was that he didn't know what to do about the situation or what else to say. He did tell me he loved me but I fear that this is it. What should I do? Should I just give him his space to let him think about things? I feel that is the right thing to do but I'm so scared he will just think I can't handle myself and not give me another chance. Thank you in advance for your advice.
  6. I had a long conversation on the phone with him last night and he brought up the fact that he thinks we both drink too much and it is causing problems in the bedroom. He said that we should both take it easy and I agreed. I didn't mention the pot. I just thought that we were making good progress so I want to take it one step at a time. I was a little out of control this weekend with the drinking and I'm glad that he brought it up because when you start not remembering anything that happened, what is the point of having him come for the weekend? He said that too...that he wants to spend quality time with me as much as he can and if we drink in moderation, it's fine but if we are both drunk, it just doesn't work. I feel a lot better and I will have to take this relationship one day at a time. I've never really been in a LDR before. It's hard but he tries and sees me every weekend, so that makes me happy. He travels a lot for work too...so when he travels to my area he stays with me and not at a hotel...when that happens, I am really happy. I just have never been around someone that I get along with so well. We never argue or fight and he is really laid back as I am too. I just hope it keeps going in the right direction Thanks so much for your advice. And I love that quote....better the devil you know, than the devil you don't
  7. I've known my BF since March of this year but we've only started dating at the end of May. We are the best of friends and we get along tremendously. I met him at a bar and we both like to drink. It's only been lately that I notice he likes to drink and smoke pot a lot. Like everyday. Now I drink a glass of wine with dinner and on the weekends I get drunk too and I really enjoy partying with my friends, but I don't think he can even go a day without smoking. It didn't bother me at first, but now it sort of does because he has been telling me that he wants to move to the area (he lives 2 states away) and that he wants to be with me. His first girlfriend committed suicide and I think this really had an effect on him. This happened about 5 years ago. We both have our issues, as I am divorced because my husband got another woman pregnant - we have both been immensely hurt and I think we take comfort in eachother, but I don't think that it is healthy that we party so much or that he smokes everyday. Another thing is that when he smokes, we have problems in the bedroom...sorry to be graphic...but he can't get hard...he can come, but just not get hard. The only time it is really great sex is in the morning when he is not high or drunk and it is perfectly normal. I guess my deal is this - I really care for him and want him in my life...is there anyway for me to approach him about this topic? I don't think I've known him long enough and I don't want to hurt his feelings. But I've been thinking about it a lot and I want our sex and relationship life to be "normal". Thanks for all your advice in advance.
  8. I understand the pain that you are going through. A year is a long time to be with someone so of course this is going to be painful. But you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that he lied...numerous times about this. I feel that if he really thought of her as a friend, he wouldn't have lied to you about it. I'm so sorry if that sounds harsh. My advice to you would be to go dark and not call him. If he truly feels bad about what he has done, he will call you. If you keep calling him, I think it will push him away. Remember, what is meant to be will be. And if this isn't meant to be, you will be ok. Focus on you and what makes you happy. Funny, I'm writing this because I'm going through a pretty similar situation. I've been seeing someone who lives several states away. I was supposed to go to his place for the first time this weekend and he called to say he was "working" and then didn't call me at all yesterday after I texted him. He usually calls 3-5 times a day just to say hi. My hunch...he's met someone else. And I'm more than hurt. So I'm doing what I've suggested you do...I'm not calling him anymore. If he really loves me and wants to be with me, he'll call. Good luck with everything. I really hope it does work out for you in the end but if it doesnt, you will be ok...I promise.
  9. Thank you for all your support. I guess maybe he wasn't right for me afterall. It is so hard sometimes. He texted me yesterday asking how I was and I texted him back that all was well with me and I hope all was well with him...and then he texted that he has "been better" and just wanted to see how I was. I didn't text him back after that. It was so hard not to. I do miss him but the stuff he pulled with me was ridiculous and I really sincerely hopes he understands that he lost somone very caring and genuine and good.
  10. Thanks for all your advice. I have bad news to report. We broke up on Friday. I just couldn't take it anymore plus he was starting to say things like "do you ever think of having sex with other people?" and this one was my favorite "I want to have sex with a black girl before I get married" sorry...but that is what he said. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I guess that was the straw that broke my back. I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. That I have felt like I was punished for the last 3 weeks and that I can't just "wait" for him when he starts saying dumb stuff like that. I have too much self respect for that nonsense. So we are done. I thought for a moment there that we would have been ok, but after he said that and calling me "champ" and writing on his website that his hobbies are "beer, women and football" I pretty much had it. I was very sad on Friday but now to be honest I'm quite releived. I can do so much better and I was soooo stressed out the past 3 weeks. Now it is time to focus on me and find someone who will love me just the same and have the time for me. Thanks again for all your help. Sorry the outcome wasn't better. He had the chance to make it better but chose instead to lose me. I will be ok
  11. So things have slowly gotten back to normal and just this past weekend he snuck in 2 "I love yous". He said he wants to defer next semester so that he can have a life this summer. The past 2 days have been really bad. His birthday is tomorrow and he had a paper due yesterday. I called and left him a message yesterday and then he texted back with "got your message, this paper is killing me, can I call you tomorrow?" It just weirds me out because he could have just called to say hi instead of texting. We have just texted the past couple of days and not talk. I don't know. Some days I am fine and I understand he's busy. Other days I think to myself that he has at least 5 minutes in the day to contact me, so why doesn't he? This roller coaster is just crazy. I guess I'm going to see how the summer goes. When he doesn't have school, will he really have more time for me? I guess I'll have to find out and see. Thanks for listening to me rant. At least lately I'm not emotional anymore. And we haven't fought in 3 weeks. That's really great.
  12. Hi Everyone...a quick update...I spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday night with my bf AT HIS REQUEST You all were right. If someone WANTS to make the time for you, they will do it. On Sunday he had to study but he wanted my company so I watched tv while he studied and he was very loving towards me. This is now our 2nd weekend together without any fights. We are both making the effort not to pick on eachother and we are both really trying to be nice and cordial towards the other. It does feel like we have taken steps backwards but we took them back to a place where our relationship was really good. Looks like we both needed the space. I definitely needed it because I was getting too attached and pretty crazy emotionally. We are not at 100% (If we were saying the I love yous then I think we would be there) but right now it feels ok to not say it. We both know that we love eachother dearly...but there's something about saying it that makes us both feel vulnerable.
  13. oodles...I posted on here for the first time a couple of weeks ago about my bf not saying the "I love you's" or "You rock" anymore like he used to. I stopped calling him and to my surprise he started initiating everything again. He ended up missing me and we saw eachother this past weekend and it was really great. We still don't say the "I love yous" but I think that we are building towards that. I think the more you push for him to tell you how he feels about you, the more you will be pushing him away. Let him contact you. Let him find out what it would be like to not have you. You deserve those nice things to be said to you. And don't be fooled...it only takes a second to text message or initiate a call with someone. When my bf backed off, I noticed right away and knew something was up. When someone is into you, they will let you know that. I say go dark (and not call) and see what happens. I know you will probably fear that he will never talk to you again, but it is a risk you should take because honestly, if he doesn't initiate contact, then he wasn't worth it in the first place.
  14. Ok..I know I am a basketcase...I'm just writing stuff down because it makes me feel better. I'm really trying not to obsess about this whole bf thing but my mind just keeps racing. I hate going backwards in a relationship. It doesn't make sense to me. Yes, this probably makes him happy but will it make me happy? Anywho..I'm sick of thinking about it. I gave myself a deadline. If we are "building up" successfully but I feel nothing has changed, I'm going to end things because I can't live like this forever. THe constant wondering of what I did wrong...the analyzing every word he has said or written...and all the heartache that comes with it. It's just not cool. Having a bf for 6 months means being able to call them in the middle of the day for nothing. Just to say hi and I love you. Now we're back to playing games that are played when you first date someone. I just don't see how that can work. I miss just having that comfort. Like I said...March 31st. Then I am done.
  15. Thanks, Karchino. I wish you the best of luck with your bf and just remember that if he does not contact you, then he wasn't worth it. You deserve so much better than that. Don't comprimise being happy. Ok...update with me. My bf sent me a very long email telling me that the fighting we have done really scared him off and that he has backed down relationship-wise. He said school and work has hit him hard too but that he doesn't want to fight anymore and he worries that we will. He said last weekend was a milestone for us (and it was) because we didn't fight and we had a great weekend. He said that he wants to continue with the way things are now so that we are light and carefree and not as emotional. He said he still loves me but he cannot give me more than what we are doing now "at this stage" in his life. Not quite sure what that means. Anyway, I guess this is good....he is being open and honest and wants to try. I'm going to take it one day at a time.
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