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Lunabelle

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  1. Yes, this is it, right here. Of course it's well proven that human beings need physical contact (besides sex I mean). Just like food and air and sleep. This physical touch is a necessity. I just feel better after a massage. Even if it's only 20 minutes a week. Around here I can get it for $1 a minute, and it's well worth it. Doesn't have to be full-body either, but that's great if you can afford it.
  2. I feel sorry for you. I'm so sorry you don't have an adult nearby to guide you in a better direction. You have so much to learn. So much life ahead of you. Walking down this path will give you nothing but misery. I think it's great that you know you are racist. Now do something about it. You obviously know it's wrong, or you wouldn't feel the need to "come out" about it.
  3. Moving can be helpful, but you take your problems with you as a general rule. You will have to live your life differently in order to change the things you don't like. What could you do differently if you lived in AZ?
  4. You are in a tight spot, but you are not alone. It is okay to start very, very small. Just a little babystep each day. Sometimes I have to affect my own attitude adjustment and simply decide to feel differently about something. It takes enormous effort. As far as I can tell, most of life does. It seems kind of dumb to fight that fact. I have been more successful/happier when I accepted certain facts and dealt with them, instead of objecting to them and fighting against them. Like having to work for a living. If you've gotta do it (and we ALL do!) make the best out of it that you can. It's okay that you're not there yet. You're not behind. Just start where ever you are. Spend 15 minutes today doing something positive for yourself. What could it be?
  5. annie 24, I know, I understand, and on the whole I absolutely agree with you....I feel really torn about this, I guess I'm looking at it too personally as I wish my own brothers had not let their women come between them. The women were not worth it. annie's questions regarding op's motive very valid points here too.
  6. In my completely unprofessional opinion, you are choosing to fail in your work because you feel so incredibly ambivilent about the work. It doesn't excite you, nor do you feel any pride in doing it. You also appear to have a lot of mixed feelings about being required to support yourself. Please don't be hurt, but in my opinion the sooner you get over this, the happier you will be. You're an adult, with a college degree. You need to support yourself, you need to work at a job you enjoy. Your obligation to yourself is to research this, then make an honest effort at finding that work. I have suffered from years of depression and years of the exact job situations you describe. I could not change this until I decided it was more painful to keep doing this, than it would be to change. I was tired of being broke. Solution: Get a better-paying job. Just do it. Let nothing stand in your way. If I did it, anybody can! You can too! I became more successful and happier at work once I decided I was going to commit to that. I did that because I wasn't getting a lot of satisfaction out of my home life. But it has paid off for me in so many way. But it does take effort. You can do this. Many people do, and you can too.
  7. This sister relationship sounds a bit toxic. Perhaps some distance from her is in order. She must like having you around -- since she is not required to earn her own way in life, she can feel in a "one up" position to you. That puts you in the down side. Why are you around her if you feel she is controlling and critical? Do you feel obligated?
  8. Where would you like to go? Don't waste energy in a panic. Just make a plan. Follow it through. It's okay if it doesn't work exactly as planned. Plans are made to be tried, edited, re-written, tried again. Put that panic energy into making a positive decision for yourself. Let it motivate you, not smother you. Let it guide you into something better.
  9. Ouch this is a painful thing to deal with. I am sorry you are having to struggle with it all. How would your brother feel if he learned that you knew this information and did not pass it on to him? Would he understand that you were just trying not to interfere? Or would he feel betrayed? I would hate to see this girl come between you two. I guess it depends on how close you really are with your brother. Do you already talk about your relationships? Has he asked for your advice? Is he worried about her fidelity? My tendency is to not get involved in these ugly triangles but that option is no longer open to you (because you have info you believe to be true). You do need to decide if you are still going to be open to hearing more news from this reliable source. You may need to cut that off at the pass or this could really get out of hand. The best thing is for your brother and his girl to solve this issue. He may suspect there's something up with her but not feel comfortable bringing it up with you. Or he could completely not believe you at all and become angry for your suggestion. In the end, I'd probably tell him. I would tend to err on the side of protecting the people I love. I hope you can explain to him the agony you've gone through trying to decide how to handle the information. Sounds like you two are young....this may be the first of many, many issues the two of you can learn to talk about. I guess it's all about how you approach it. If you come at it like, oh man, she's screwing you over, that may anger and embarrass him. What I would do is try to share the info in a way that expresses I am only doing it to protect him, because I love him. I know you can do it in a way that doesn't sound all emo and stuff.
  10. These are normal feelings people have. It's okay that you feel that way. But those feelings don't obligate you to stay in a painful relationship. They don't have to be this way. You seem very mature, bright, a lot of thinking going on. Just know that relationships are supposed to enhance your life, to improve the quality of life so you have someone to share it with. I don't hear that in your post. Don't be with someone who hurts you. Life is too short. Don't settle for controlling, manipulating nonsense like this. In my opinion, the sooner you are away from this guy, the better. PS -- Based on your post, in no way would I describe this person as a devout Christian.
  11. Our friends did this -- He used to always bring her fruit from his family's tree. At Christmas he wrapped up the fruit like a gift. She was confused when she opened the box and started taking out the avocados. Then she found the ring box and when she looked at him for explanation he popped the question. She never saw it coming. Right out of left field.
  12. Dear futile, Long post warning -- you've really got my attention on this one! Oh my heart feels for you on this one. On one hand, I know you're thinking, is it really worth getting all upset over cleaning? (Or lack thereof) On the other hand, you're saying, YES, it is. And I'll tell you why it is. Because his unwillingness to work sends you a huge message, loud and clear. He really doesn't give a fig about what you want. Period. End of message. If he did, he would DO these simple, everyday things that adults all over the world do every day. I know, I know, all these people will chime in and "correct" my thinking on this one. That's okay folks we're all entitled to our own opinion. I can only speak from the point of view of someone who married one of these guys and have been for 20 years trying unsuccessfully to get him to help me in the ways you describe. He will actually do it now, but only under absolute duress and he makes a martyr out of himself the whole time. While he may not say it out loud, your boyfriend is making it clear that someone else is to be providing this work for him. He feels absolutely no need to work on his own behalf, much less someone else's, even if it would be a huge display of love to that other person. Because to me, that's a big part of love, doing what the OTHER person wants, regardless of how you feel about it. Especially if it's something as asinine as picking up after your own self and cleaning your own clothes and dishes. If you really want my opinion, here it is: Stop performing the housecleaning chores for him. He is a big boy now -- he can launder and put away his own clothes. Stop feeding him. He can cook, you stated that. Stop washing his dishes. Do what you need to do, for yourself, to make your home clean and presentable and comfortable. Do it for yourself, because you are worth it. What you are asking him to do is simply take care of himself. This is the same thing I expect my teenage kids to do -- the same stuff we all learned in kindergarten. Pick up after yourself. Put stuff away. Be responsible for your own messes. Be kind to others. If he cannot discipline himself this much, you have a huge problem on your hands. And allowing the behavior simply lets it go on and on. Be real -- if there's only the two (or three?) of you, how much work are we really talking about here? Maybe, maybe one hour a day. Trust me, I know this, I am raising a family right now. The issue, in my opinion, is not that you're not talking. The issue is that he won't stand up and be an adult about his personal responsibilities. And in my own experience (yours may be different) this same attitude carried over into all parts of our married life. He chooses to deal with things by NOT dealing with them, just letting it all fester like that smelly pile of dishes and clothes. On of his primary ways of not dealing with things is to actually twist things around during conversations into how all the problems are actually my fault. He would say, It's not a problem that the cleaning isn't done. It's okay. It's doesn't bother me. You're just expecting too much from me. So it's my expectations that are causing the problem, not his being unwilling to pick up his own tighty-whities. Does any of this ring true for you? Know that even if you successfully, calmly discuss this, he will not change his ways overnight. Clearly this is not something he has grown up doing. I do have a couple suggestions that have improved the situation for me. Actually it's the combination of the things that works for me. First, if you can afford to, hire help. I gotta be honest with you, this is one reason I got my college degree. I prefer to pay someone to do this stuff, and I make darn sure I earn enough cashola to cover it. Second, create and follow your own personal routines for this stuff. It's not rocket science, the people who do this for a living are not your over-educated, highly-skilled technicians. This work can and should be done frequently, quickly and then move on to something fun! I cannot stress enough the value of this website: link removed It is completely free, and following her suggestions has really helped me. Her premise is that small, daily, frequent routines add so much to the quality of our lives, because it frees us to do what we really WANT to do, not have to do. You really need to separate this issue from your relationship. It is simply a symptom of some other issue in the relationship. Don't keep doing what you've been doing (talking, pleading, hoping, expecting) and whine when you get the same results. Do something different. Finally, love yourself enough to stand up for what you know is right for YOU. Needing to live in a home that is clean (reasonably, not religiously) and tidy and comfortable is NOT an unreasonable request on your part. You are not asking for too much. He is simply expecting to get away with too little. It has nothing to do with "things being equal". It has to do with two things. One being that he stand up and be a responsible adult. Two being that he actually cares enough about you to do these minor, incidental things that mean something to you. If this behavior is a huge departure from how it's been in the past, I would consider he may be depressed. Or this may be his backdoor way of trying to tell you he is unhappy in other ways. But if this struggle is how it's always been, you need to either accept it, love him and go on with life, or don't live with him any longer. What you're doing now is letting it become center stage, and suddenly your whole life revolves around the darn pile of dishes. Your choice -- accept this behavior, or don't. Just be prepared to live with the consequences either way.
  13. BlueFire, please take no offense, but the porn is not the issue. The issue is that I still have NO RESPONSE from this jerk. He's been hounding me and bothering me about getting back together, but when the rubber hits the road, when it's time to put up or shut up, he simply makes no response. Why do people do this? I'm giving him what he says he wanted -- me to take his request to TA seriously. But when I push him for REAL ACTIONS or REAL SOUL SEARCHING he simply has no response. He can't even work on his own behalf. He can't even act to help himself. I don't even have it in me to feel hurt anymore. A couple days ago I emailed him again and asked for a reply to the Friday message. No response. This morning I sent a final email and stated that he has now made it perfectly clear where we stand and I appreciate him clarifying that for me. Today is my daughter's birthday. Last night he sent one of the kids in to ask me to come back to his room and wrap presents for our daughter. Again, he NEEDS something so it must be time to call me, his substitute Mommy. I sent the same kid back to him with the message, you're a big boy now, you too can wrap gifts you're giving to others. Ya know, all I really want it to be around people I can respect. Grow up ya bastard. Put some fricking effort where your big fat mouth is. There is no doubt in my mind that when I confront him about his lack of response (and I will) he'll give me some mealy mouth lame *** excuse about not getting the email or not checking it or some such thing when I see him on the computer every night. On a scale of one to ten, ten highest, I allowed my own hope-meter to move up from zero to one during the soul-seaching process I went through to come up with my own answers to those questions. Sorry I know that sentence was confusing. But I admit there was a spark of hope ignited by the process. Oh well. Moving along, moving along. Thanks for letting me vent folks.
  14. Ok, enough already! Allow yourself to accept responsibility for your HALF of the marriage. Not one bit more. Look, you seem pretty bright to me. Your posts seem thoughtful, and not overwhelmed by anger or depression. Please don't be offended, but it's time for you to wake up a little. I have been right where you are. Just because you allowed certain behaviors in the past doesn't mean you agreed to allow them forever. If you feel resentful "doing" for him, then stop it. He's a grown man. Last I checked, these guys can do their own laundry, run their own errands, find their own stuff. Just because you are a mom doesn't mean you need to be HIS mom. You could consider calmly letting him know that your feelings of resentment are growing, and you'd prefer that he started being more personally responsible for himself and his stuff AND HIS CHILDREN. Then detail exactly what you mean. For example, perhaps he needs to plan and execute dinner every other night. Does he just want the status quo to go on? Where does he see this heading? Please don't give up on yourself. This is only temporary. You're in a stage. It'll pass. It's okay. You are not alone. We at enotalone are here with you.
  15. Yes, I understand this! I feel like I live in someone else's house. Also, as to the feeling unappreciated, I have come to believe this is a job hazard of Motherhood. Children, even older teenagers, simply cannot fathom how hard Moms work, the depth of our feelings for our kids, or the hurts and anguish we protect them from. I think this part will pass, as the kids get older and ideally become more self-sufficient. Then we will not be required to do so much for others who are not capable of understanding our contribution to their happiness and well-being.
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