blender

thanks for the update Hunny, you loved, you tried, and you learned.. and you did so in a caring way...that's life.. and now you can take all that you learned and move forward...

you just walk through the "fear" and you gather up all your courage and you say, "I know we don't say this too much, but I feel like life is so short and I know I'd feel better if we said "I love you" more often, so okay, "I love you, have a great day"... and then YOU start a new healthy pattern of speaking some kind words towards those whom you love.. you never know what challenges a day might bring, or how short life really is, so walk through the discomfort or awkwardness and start saying "I love you'.. your courage to do so will prove to be so healing and empowering..

Aldo, now is not the time to retrieve your belongings because you are still so emotionally vulnerable, give it some time, maintain no contact for your own sake, your own personal growth, so you can re-gain some perspective. If or when she eventually contacts you about your belongings you will be more prepared to emotionally handle it in a way you can feel proud of...and if she does call you when you are still so vulnerable it's okay for you to NOT answer and wait till a time when you feel stronger, and have gained back your sense of independence. For today just try to remember that this is going to 'hurt" for a bit, and it's normal for us to have sad and disappointing times in our life, it usually ends up to be the time we do the most self discovery and realize how strong you can be, and how much you can love, and that so many wonderful possiiblities are in YOUR future. So again, remember to take this just one day at a time, one day of no contact at a time, breathe, cry, play golf, get busy trying to widen your own world, and trust that FATE has a way of nudging us to where we are suppose to be even if sometimes it means our hearts ache for a bit.. You're strong, you will get through this... it's very difficult to let go of what we "thought and hoped could be" and to realize that the "reality" of the relationship is "different" then what we expected, or believed. So try to instead be in acceptance that for right now, there'll be moments of tugging at your heart, but it's okay, and to remember that what you "want' right now, might not be what you truly "need" in the long run. Keep your chin up, take care of you right now... we're all here when you need to vent or ask questions...

You can have compassion and say a prayer for him, but do NOT choose to get involved with him right now.. that is being wise, kind and respectful.. and most of all it's "SELF RESPECTING".. so let go with love for today, do not initiate any contact... you're going to grow past all this, and you will feel better about yourself in the long run.. this guy has many issues he needs to deal with.. trust that as much as you are dealing with your own life, he can deal with his.. take care of you, love yourself, and you can have compassion and let go at the same time... being a "cushion/doormat" for someone who has not been consistently respectful towards YOUR feelings, is NOT a healthy idea.. it will only lead to resentment.. because right now it's not sincerely what is right for you. I know he's been through so much, but so many people have gone through many emotionally draining experiences yet they do not ignore those who have been there for them and go spend time with another woman and then contact you four months later to be "buddies"... he simply wants to alleviate his guilt and keep the image of himself fresh and good in your mind.. and that's fine, but you don't have to join him in this "need".. just let go and respect his emotional journey, but most importantly respect your own emotional journey, you're still hurting. It's not selfish or wrong of you to NOT be "buddies" with him right now, in fact it's the opposite, it's self respecting, mature, real, and best to set standards for your healing process and also to allow him to go about his healing in a less selfish healthier way..so take care of you.. that is the most healing thing for today.

No, it's not sincere for you to be a "friend" right now, because it would be hurting you, you would be wanting "more" and that would lead to some resentment..and right now you are grieving as well.. he's just lost his wife, he jumped into a new relationship after you, now he's in need of alleviating his guilt, and also wants some emotional support, so his "intentions" are not about YOU.. they are about HIM. He's a grown man, he's suffered a loss, he's always known how to comfort himself, even as his wife was still alive he chose to find comfort from you, and then with a new woman after you.. this is HIS pattern, and it's not a healthy choice for you to be playing any part in it right now. If you want to respond to his emails, then maybe you can just send something clear, honest, mature and responsible, along the lines of: "Right now you seem to have many things you have to deal with and heal from.. we've learned through experience that it's too soon for either of us to consider being close in a healthy fulfilling way at this time, especailly considering all that has taken place. I would like to respect the reality of all that has happened, your wife of many years has passed, and you need some time to greive that loss, and to work through all that. So as far as being "friends", I'm sure you can understand and respect that that after all the intamcy we've shared, being just "buddies' right now doesn't feel very sincere or even a healthy choice at this time, but it might be realistic at some point. If in time you discover that you want to make an intentional effort towards us as a couple, then you may contact me. As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers." See, saying something like this, not only is respectful of all he is going through but it also makes YOU pro-active about your own life, you are setting some standards, boundaries and self respect, and also knowing how to love and cherish your own heart first.. this is important if you are ever to build a strong foundation of love with him or anyone whom you love. Thinking in terms of "he left me because I wasn't itimate with him after his wife died, so he turned to someone else...well that's just unhealthy stinkin' thinking... and it not's based on love.. that is more about ego, fear, the circumstance, and some of his own issues. The timing wasn't right to be involved no matter who he was involved with.. so do not take his choices personally, they are more about his "life circumstance" at the time. Because when love is authentic and ready to be nurtured, there would be understanding, respect, and communication from BOTH people involved..and right now this all seems to be about what is best for HIM... You are responsible to take care of yourself first emotionally, and right now you are still too vulnerable to be making sure HE"S okay, and taken care of.. trust me, he's fine, he'll get through this, and he should do so without the shoulder of an emotionally vulnerable woman to cry on... he needs some time to grieve his loss, work through his fear of being on his own.. and THEN he might be ready to make an intentional sincere respectful effort to have a woman in his life.. because he wants to "share" happiness with her, and not "attain" it from her.. that never works.... so let him be on his own for a bit, and if you're not ready to respond at all, then that's okay too... just take care of yourself, and separate the "feelings" from the "facts".. you "feel" like you want to be with him even as a friend, but the FACT is he's not ready to give you more than that, and you are not ready to have less... so keep up no contact if that feels right. Or reply with something along the lines of the above response, be clear, honest and set a standard for HOW AND WHY he could have the honor of your presense in his life... It's time for him to respect what he shared with his wife, to take time to grieve, and heal, and rely on his family and his buddies, and his children, and get himself to a better emotinal state BEFORE he reaches out for a life preserver of a woman, only to push it aside once he feels stronger, or not interested... Remember you have been there for him, you gave your heart, your support.. and he didn't make a choice to respect it and cherish it. Most likely because he's in emotional turmoil and has guilt, sadness, regret, etc.. that his part to work through.. you dont' want to associate yourself with all that right now.. that's his emotional journey to go on. But he will have the opportunity to rise the occasion where you are concerned at some point IF you set a respecting standard and learn to cherish your own heart. If he does respond in a classy non-needy intentionally loving way at some point, wonderful. If not, then you have spared yourself a whole lot of effort to be his cushion when you yourself could use one. After all you've been through, take care of you.. and trust that he can take care of himself.. you've been hurting too.. and he's not been there to comfort you...he was busy with another "emotional cushion/woman". so you can in a loving way, let go, pray for him, let him know your standards, and go about making your own life better because you're not ready to sincerely be there just as his "friend".. (without some false hope that it might be something more).. you already know you want "more" from him, but the fact is he's not ready.. it's too soon.

Well, I guess it's also knowing what YOU can live with.. and if the fact that he had a homosexual past is too much for you to handle, than there is nothing he can do now to make it 'okay" for you... so either you find "acceptance" within yourself to deal with his past, or you can also accept that you might not be able to deal with it... again the answer is in your own truth...not his. I'm sure most women would have a difficult time seeing past his homosexual history. So give yourself a break, and know that you are dealing with new information that is causing you to view him differently, and rightly so... the best thing is to be pro-active and seek some quidance so you can both have a chance to be your most, honest, loving, loyal, best self. Whether that means staying together, or lovingly choosing to let go..it's about knowing who you are and what you can accept. If you find that you are not able to emotionally committ and accept him and his past, and his lack of being upfront in the first place, well then, there's your answer. Because what would he have to do in order for you to be "okay" with him? See what I mean, he doesn't have the "answer'..only YOU know what you are capable of accepting and lovingly able to deal with in an emotionally healthy self respecting way. So if you need help in finding YOUR truth, then it's best to seek some theraputic guidance..right? Sometimes things are so emotionally overwhelming in the moment, it's difficult for us to focus on what the "truth" is inside our own heart... so try to make decisions on facts, not fears. But by all means trust your instincts.. and if deep in your heart you don't feel "right" about moving forward in this relationship, the next step is to find out "why" you are feeling that way..(write down all your feelings and then write down all the facts about the relationship) and then ask yourself IF it is something you can learn to deal with, grow past, so you can love in a fully responsible, caring, mature, loyal, secure way..or if it is just something that you just can not accept and it doesn't fit into your sense of values and standards for a relationship. Either way I think you will discover that the answer is inside of you.

he "wants to marry you and start a family with you".. what? You ARE a family..isn't that what your son believes? You all live together, you all love each other.. don't you consider this a family? I'm sure your son does. If you do not, then you have some choices to make... If you are not ready to get married, then don't. Take it one day at a time, but remember to be honest with yourself and know that if you are building up resentment towards him and his past, that is not going to lead to a healthy outcome. You have so much at stake here, so seek some professional guidance.. through a church, a therapist, through any organization, something so you can nurture and plan a respectful loving solid future for you and your son..and ask your man to join you in this therapy if he is serious about wanting to make this work. You can no longer just "re-act" to what he does or says.. or to your own emotions and fears.. it's time to be "pro-active" and seek some guidance/therapy together if you want to seriously make a mature, loving repsectful commitment to each other and to provide a loving secure happy home for your son. I hope you find the courage and self respect to seek ways to make healthy choices for your life...by being fully aware of who you are and what you value in life. Priority one: YOU, YOUR SON, and the quality example of a relationship you CHOOSE to be in for him to grow up observing and absorbing as part of his identity. Speak your truth in a loving effective honest way...go talk to someone, a therapist, a priest, a self help group in your area and express your fears, anxieties, doubts and seek quidance on what YOU can do to actively pursue a healthy loving respectful future for yourself and your son.

regular Joe, is trying to point out that "maybe" just "maybe" he is innocent, and that it was years ago and something he deeply regrets.. who knows, the only way to find out is to open your own heart honestly and to work through this with your MIND IN FULL GEAR along with your feelings, and maybe your best choice is to seek some therapy together, If you love him, and you feel good about trying to work on this, then do so. Find a therapist so you can both talk openly about fears and work through them with someone who can guide you both to be honest, open to learning to trust. But if you don't think you can "let go" of certain things, then why not go see a therapist yourself and see if you can sort out all that you are "concerned or worried" about.. but as always trust your instincts not just your fears..because there is a difference. You have so much new information to process and it's healthy to take your time and seek some advice on how to APPLY a practical loving realistic approach to facing your fears, insecurities, and to learn to trust YOUR instincts. How have things been going, are the two of you having constructive honest conversations regarding a future together? Are you thinking about this as "over" or are you wanting to work on this relationship? Remember it's not so much getting to know EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM, but more importantly knowing YOURSELF enough to realize what you can deal with, and how much you are willing to give into this relationship.. know yourself and what is of value for you, and is within your standards..that is the key...

Well, it's all about your 'expectations", you have to go into this with your daughter as the priority and how wonderful it is for her to have both her parents together for the weekend camping and you can create a wonderful memory for her..try to focus on that. As far as some men don't look back, well so many times an ex just doesn't want to face themselves, so they just avoid the reality and coast emotionally through things... do NOT take it personally, it's just all that he is capable of "emotionally" whether it be with you, or any woman. The fact is you are just more in touch with your feelings than he is... that's the truth. So go on the camping trip, support him in his sport because he is the father of your child, more than because you "want him to respond to you".. then you won't have so many emotional expectations that lead to disappointments, go for the sake of creating a wonderful memory for your daughter.. and be kind to him, enjoy your time with her, and let go of any expectations other than you will be the best you for yourself, and for your daughter, it's a valuable example for a child of your integrity, kindness, and classiness... You can still love your ex, and let go of any "expectations" at the same time... because the fact is he will always be your daugthers father, and you will share that precious history and future with him.. so cherish that, and know that however he chooses to resond, grow, or not.. you're going to be okay.. love yourself, love your daughter, and try to love him as a partner in your daughters future, but know that YOUR future with being "in love" may not be with him.. and that's okay, because eventually if you love yourself enough you will attract a quality "in love" experience into your life. So start with being okay with YOU. best, blender

Joe, the fact is she did bring all this up, on several occasions, in which he directly lied to her, and HE "avoided" speaking the truth, it's not HER fault that HE MADE A CHOICE TO NOT tell her the truth when she asked him on several occasion before. And he didn't feel "afraid" to tell her when he FINALLY did, and she stayed with him, trying to be "okay" with all the shocking things he chose to reveal AFTER she and her son moved in with him. So of course she is "hesitant" to trust his words... just because he loves her doesn't mean he's showing the active choices of a man who is pursuing some "help" in finding out who he is, and how he can manage his "urges" in the future so they can learn to trust each other again. After all, it's wise for her to understand that He hasn't been magically "relieved" of his urges, and on top of that, he's still CHOOSING to indulge the stimulation of this side of his "sexual interest" by buying "gay porn"... so it's natural for her to have some mature concerns regarding how much he is really willing to leave this part of his "sexual curiosity" in his past. If you are on a diet and really truly want to change your life and lose wieght, then you would probably NOT be buying cakes to "look at" whenever you wanted to... it would eventually be too much temptation and might lead to you making a choice to give in to your "urge" for something you are really wanting to "let go" of..so why would you keep buying cakes if you genuinly were making an effort to be successful and lose wieght... right? So I'm sure you can understand, that regardless of each and every detail regarding what happened when, the fact remains, he didn't tell the truth after she asked many times before, and now that he has revealed "some" of the details, (he won't tell her who the male relationship was with) and he also has said he's no longer interested in having sex with men, BUT he is still indulging in gay stimulation (not that gay porn is bad, but it certainly could be an issue for someone who wants to "avoid and stay away" from indulging in gay sex) so "regular Joe' I know you are being considerate and trying to give your best advice, and I'm sure you can understand that it's difficult for her to take all this into account.. and when he does want to talk about it, she didn't want to in that moment because he brought up the subject when they were being "intimate" and of course the last thing she wants to have on her mind when sharing "love" with her man, is the "image" of him engaging in something that personally turns her off... whether it be with a man or another woman..it's still not an image she needed in that moment...wouldn't you agree?

I think "joe" is just trying to help and give you a different perspective, but the most important thing is your "gut instinct" and to separate your feelings from the facts.. and to work on this one day at a time with your eyes wide open and being honest with yourself and with him. If you "feel strongly" some reservations regarding the fact that he is not actively seeking any therapy to help guide him through his sexual identity, well that is a good reason for you to hesitate and think this through and to suggest that the two of you seek some professional help before you make any life term choices regarding a marriage. If he does not want to make this effort to seek some guidance together, then you do so on your own.. and know that if he says "no" to therapy together, that is a "red-flag" about how committed he is to putting the whole truth on the table and to value and cherish you and what is important for you to figure out so you may stay in the relationship feeling secure and happy. Start by being clear on what you need to work through this, and I really believe the two of you should seek some professional help, it's worth it, it's not a good idea to proceed with blinders on.... your son and you are at stake here emotionally.. so do all you can to learn and protect your values and standards.

Yes, I see what you are saying "joe" but the porn he is choosing to indulge is does not pop up on his television like a beer commercial. I hope that they can both rise above these issues to be honest, open and loyal to each other. But it's also important to take his "choices of behavior" into account, and also to obvserve if he is actually seeking some resolve to his own sexual issues, for himself, so that he can truly be committ to her in a healthy loyal way. It sure seems that he "wants' to be committed and loyal, but what actions is he taking to seek guidance and help to reslove his own issues regarding his past behavior? Him "showing" that he's really wanting to work through his own issues is the real sign that he wants to deal with his past out of respect for himself and also as a willing intention to reassure her as well. She received so much information regarding him that she did not know about, and that is so emotionally difficult to deal with and accept, no matter how much she loves him, they both have to meet half way and as you suggested clearly discuss openly thier fears, and what also to agree on what "efforts" they are BOTH willing to make to be successfully loyal and committed to making the relationship work. And if that means she needs time to process all the information and to take some time to trust his commitment to her, then naturally he should be understanding that the information regarding his past is a huge emotional hurdle for her to jump.. and usually it takes some time and therapy so they can both work through these issues, fears, in a realistic, loving, and considerate way.

regular joe, sorry you feel it's right to say "blender is way off base".. I'm not on any base, I'm simply responding to the information the op has expressed, and trying to give her a "perspective' just to look at this from all angles, I can appreciate your perspective even though you may not appreciate mine. I respect the OP and know that she will read all perspectives and make her own wise choice. This is what the forum is about, offering different perspectives.. and they are all of equal value. respectfully, blender

Trust YOURSELF, your instincts, and take care of you and your son. Do not rush into getting married, and be careful about how much you involve your son in another adults life if you are not feeling "secure and trustful" about the relationship. If your "thoughts" and "instincts" are nudging you, take a reasonable consideration of those "feelings". We have instincts for a reason. If your "gut" is telling you that living with this cloud of what if he cheats with a man, or when will he cheat with man, or what hasn't he told me, or why didn't he tell me sooner before we moved in together and my precious son was involved in his life.. well those are sincere concerns, and as much as you wish to sweep them under the carpet at times, it's important to seek some guidance in how to deal with these concerns, or at the very least, use these instincts as a reason to take your time maybe be on your own for awhile and re-discover that you are and your son are okay, wonderful and can be happy on your own. The answer is not going to come from this guy, it has to come from inside you, and if you are okay living with this "fear" deep down in your heart that he "might" cheat, based on the fact that he did make a choice to withhold information, I know he has "reasons" for doing so, but those should have been not as important as the "honesty" needed in a mature, loyal, respectful relationship especially once you were making plans of living together and possilbly building a life involving your son. I know this is all so complicated and your heart and mind are sometimes on two different streets, so it's important to have those on the same page as far as "giving yourself and your son" into a situation that YOU are having some justifiable "fears and concerns" about. There are no gaurentees in any relationship, but it's very important to feel at peace in your heart and comfort in the fact that there are no secrets, and you can feel confident in the fidelity of your relationship without "fears". And right now it's very apparent that you "want" to feel good about all this, but the FACT is you are not feeling so sure.. and that kind of stress is not good for you or your son, or for building a healthy relationship upon. Again, "HE" can not provide you with any guarentees, only YOU will know if deep in your heart you feel honestly confident and loyalty without a looming fear of cheating at some point... it's too high a price to pay when we feel that there is some constant underlying fear.. you deserve to live a quality, joyful, confident, secure, reassuring life with someone whom you can trust, love, respect, and who will cherish you not only through words, and the fact that he "needs" you, but because it's just the way HE is in all relationships in his life, it's either the quality of his character or it's not. Life patterns are usually in place within someone's life style long before you get involved with them, and those are "powerful patterns" and past behavior is the BIGGEST indicator of future behavior. Just like an alcoholic who really wants to quit drinking can create a new life pattern of sobriety, well he has to want to do so for HIMSELF, and until he has some "sober time" under his belt it's best for him to NOT get involved in a relationship until he can prove to HIMSELF that his "life pattern" has changed because HE did so for HIMSELF. This is what I mean, how long has he gone WITHOUT being flirtatious, involved or stimulated by a "man"? If he truly wants to "change his life pattern of sexual choices and behavior" what has he done for HIMSELF to show that he really wants and will implement this change in his life? And alcoholic who is trying to be "sober" does not go to bars every week while he is trying to "change his life pattern" and seek sobriety.. and so if your guy is still looking a gay male porn, what indication does that give you that he is really wanting to "let go" of that part of his life? And again how many years has he AUTHENTICALLY PRACTICED his "sobriety" and his respectful honest desire to want to be letting go of his "male sexual interest"? If his behavior and choices indicate that he can not fully "let go" of this "interest and stimulation" even though he SAYS he's "over it".. well then much like an alcoholic who loves to be "drunk" but really doesn't want to do it again..would NOT be going to bars or buying bottles of alcohol "just to look at for fun" because then he is willingly putting himself in a stimulating situation and it's "too risky" right now, a man who was really trying to "change his pattern" would remove the temptation for a long time and work on his issues before he felt strong enough and empowered to be "sober" on his own free will.. and if HE is not taking these steps, (not talking about them but actually removing the stimulation from his environment as much as he reasonably can) well then you do have a justifiable, reasonable, respectful instinct/fear that should be listened to, for the sake of your own heart and that of your son. I understand that he really wants to be faithful to you, and by his own words wants to leave that "gay side of his life" as a distant memory, but it's not so "distint" just yet.. not based on his choices or behavior in continuing to indulge in gay male porn. And I know you love him and want to believe that it will all be okay, and perhaps it will, but there needs to be the indication through his behavior that he is making this change because it is what HE really wants in HIS life, whether you were involved with him or not..right? If he says he's wants to make this change for YOU, that is NOT a healthy reason, he needs to want to make this change for himself, on his own, even if he were single. That is the true indication that he wants to leave that "gay life" in the past...and for right now it doesn't seem that he's taken the active behavioral steps to incorporate a strickly "heterosexual history" for that long a time so far... and anyone will tell you that this needs to happen "before" he gets involved with someone...especially you and your son. If you are sincerely okay with him being bi-sexual, then that is your choice, and if that works for your heart, then fine. Or if you desire for your own emotional security that he is okay with being "faithful and living a monogomous heterosexual life" then he needs to show the "behavioral choices" to indicate that he is sincerely wanting to do so. And it would be preferable if he had worked through these issues and made this change on his own and lived it for a year or so out of choice "before" he made the decision to get involved with you, and could then make a reasonable, and realistic, honest, open, loving sincere commitment to you. I hope it all works out for both of you and your son..because where there is love, honesty, intention, and sincere behavior that indicates the "effort" to want to work through things, you can work through this, but you need the 'honest character qualities to be in place" first, and you can take some time to discover if these qualities authentically exsist, or they don't. Be honest with yourself. best, blender

QUOTE: I have to say I do love myself when I am with him. He makes me feel beautiful, sexy, appreciated, like I am number one to him. That is important. But, what I don't like is when I tell him something he has to double check my answer. He does not take my comment or answer as being accurate. END QUOTE Carlenandrea, if you "love yourself" then you will learn that you want to be with someone who respects what you say, and trusts your words, and your feelings even if you are "hesitiant" at times to fully be "okay" with all the information he has given you. Don't confuse "loving yourself" with feeling like being "with him" makes YOU feel well, your words: "He makes me feel beautiful, sexy, appreciated, like I am number one to him.." hopefully you feel complete, beautiful, sexy and can appreciate YOURSELF and feel full, and at peace on your own as women and being a mother gives you even more love and validation in your life.. it's important to be at peace in your heart about who he is in your life, and to also be at peace with what you believe his "potential" is in being faithful to you, not only based on fear from your own past of having been cheated on, but more importantly based on your "intincts" and on the "history" that you have with HIM already: what has he shown you of his character? Has he been faithful? Has he been with you while he was with someone else on the side, (male or female) yet still able to look in your eyes and be intimate with you? See these are "signs" of his character... so if he has "confessed" about his sexuality or experiments, and he is seeking your forgiveness and understanding, then hopefully he is showing he is serious by seeking some therapy for himself and for the both of you so you can "honestly" grow through this to build a life.. no more "wondering, worrying" but instead "working together through therapy" to understand the very complex issues you are facing.. do this for the love of yourself, your son, and each other.. If he is NOT actively seeking some therapy to deal with his issues, then how does he plan on "controling urges" he didn't have the emotional tools to deal with and control in the past...have the just "gone away".. has he gotten some therapy? Be honest with yourself and with him.. YOU are worthy of an intentional, non-dramatic, respectful, trusting, healthy, honest love.. and hopefully you want that for yourself, and he wants to be "emotionally honest and healthy enough" to share that with you.. but it seems he made need some therapy in working through all that...