drum4god

Day 76. Man how time flys. I think I have made progress, but I still have ways to go. I still think about her everyday, and still have this little hope in the back of my mind. It didn't help that I ran into her Mom in church a few weeks ago. It was strange because her Mom told me she (not my ex, but her Mom) missed me so much, she told me to call her, and to even stop by the house. I found that crazy because my ex lives with her Mom. Why would she want me to stop by. That was strange. It made me think, perhaps my ex put her to it. My ex is very very close with her Mom, and is extremely shy. But who knows for sure. I did run into my ex in church last Sunday, and to be honest she didn't look that great. I said hello and moved on. I felt proud that I came off strong and non-challant. With that said, I still miss her, and I try to get info from friends about her. Not a good idea. A friend told me she received an e-mail from my ex and told her she is healing, and trying to move on. Its hard because I really believe she allowed fear to stop her from falling in love. I strongly believe it would have worked if she let go, but what can I do. I have to move on, but its really hard seeing her in church, and with her Mom planting some seeds of hope, I feel I took a few steps back. Anyway, all is good. I have maintained my dignity, and compusure. That is something I feel proud about. Blessing to all.

Dude, that has to be tough. I don't there is an easy answer. You just have to dig deep, and pull yourself through. Just do whatever you have to, to make yourself better. If that means not saying a word to her, don't. If it means keeping small talk, do that. Make this about you, not her. Try not to focus on how you are coming off to her. If you come off needy, so what! At this point its not going to make a difference. Instead of saying "What if", say "So what". I know she is probably on your mind 24/7, but you have to make this about you. Its tough, and I feel for you. I see my ex in church for 5 miins and its torture. I can't imagine how it would be still living with person. I would spend all my energy on getting an appartment, because you have to get out of there ASAP. Best of luck, mate. I am pulling for you. Drum

Dude, don't get down on yourself. I don't think there is a man alive who wouldn't have felt hopeful after the way your ex was acting towards you not too long ago. Dude, I am not going to lie, this is not going to be easy. If I were you I would consider leaving the band. At least take a sabatical. Your well being should take priority right now, and if seeing the women you love hang over a band member is going to torture your soul you need to leave. I truly feel for you bro. I go through the same thing seeing my ex in church every Sunday, and she isn't even with someone else. I can't imagine how I would feel if she was. You will get through this, but you have to be honest with yourself. If you can't handle seeing her with someone else, you need to leave the scene.

Rusloi, Would you feel any better if met up with her, and found out she is totally over you, and met someone new? What if she tells you, sorry I loved you, but i moved on. I am very happy with my new boyfriend. What is that going to feel like? I am not saying that is the case, but are you ready to handle that kind of news. If you feel that would help you move on, then contact her, but you can be setting yourself for more prolonged hurt. Good luck

Of course I will stay in good terms, but I am not going to call her, and stop by the house. I don't know what she is thinking. My ex has to know what her Mom is saying? No? I mean they are so close. I don't know, I have to maintain NC, and I have to move on, but its hard when its seems like the mother is pushing me to call her daughter. I don't think she being wise. Her daughter broke my heart twice, what does she expect? Anyway, thx Ren-woman 101.

I went to church tonight for Bible Study. As I was driving into the parking lot I saw my ex and her Mom crossing the street. I got a quick glance and of course my ex looked amazing. I am not quite sure if she saw me, but I am sure she noticed my car. I played drums tonight. The worship band did a few songs before everyone goes to their particular bible study. I noticed that My ex's Mom was in the congregation alone. I waved to her Mom, and went over to her (not sure if that was good move). She gave me a huge hug, and almost had tears in her eyes. She then asked me, "do you miss us"? I was a little thrown off, and said yes. She then asked how I was doing? I said I was doing good, and I then I said I am hanging in there (ugh I wish I didn't say that). I then wished her a belated birthday (she turned 50 on Jan 29th), and then she asked "Why didn't you call?". I didn't know how to answer, and didn't say anything. She then told me to stop by the house sometime. I told her I really can't do that. She then told me to call her. She misses me. (Ugh, this was killing me) I then asked her how my ex was doing? She hesitated, and told me she is doing good. Nothing else. We hugged each other goodbye, and then she said "We will always be friends, right? I said in a hesistant tone "sure". I have to admit, I was thrown off by this. I am not sure I handled it the way I wanted to. I wish I did tell her I'm hanging in there. I think she can tell I was hurting. I really started to get emotional when her Mom told me she missed me. I saw the hurt in her eyes. It was killing me. It was bittersweet and a little weird. First of all, it was strange my ex wasn't with her. They always sit together. Perhaps she was avoiding me? Secondly, why is she asking me to stop by the house. My ex lives with her Mom, why would she think I would visit. Perhaps she didn't realize what she was saying. Was that my ex, speaking through her Mom? I don't know. I found that very strange. Lastly, she told me one than once to call her. I felt like saying, Do you understand I am trying to get over you daughter. She probably got caught up in emotion. I can understand that. Anyway, I will continue NC. Its been over 60 days strong, but I have to admit. I feel I took a few steps back. I know its hard to read what is going on, but I would appreciate if you guys can shed some light on this. Thx.

She was so self absorbed and insecure that she would never compliment me, or take interest in my life. Yet I would hear from her friends how much she braggs about me. Any attention that was away from her and on me would bother her, unless it made her look good. Its funny the last time my band played, we played a smoking set, and got rave reviews from the crowd, especially friends. But she didn't say a word to me. Nothing! It was only until I asked her, is when she said "It was good". It bothered me, because I know she liked my band. She would tell her co-workers and family about it, but never asked me about it. Strange. She was alot more insecure and jealous that she let on. Its sad that someone has to live behind a facade like that.

Hail, I am real happy for you. Rebounds can be tricky. I have been on both ends. You need to ask yourself. If you ex wanted to get back with you, would you ditch your new girlfriend? If you say you would, then the flame for your ex is still burning. If that is the case don't rush into things with your new girlfriend. Taking things slow always works out better anyway. Just enjoy yourself, and be thankful you have someone to date. There are many like myself who haven't been on a date since our ex's left us.

Thanks Blender, Samross, and everyone else. Thanks guys. I am doing my best to not think about it, but I am so curious. Its crazy. I know this, if my girlfriend did want to get back with me, she probably wouldn't let me know right away. She is too shy, and probably too proud to say anything. I really think her Mom really wants to check up on me to see how I'm doing. She was asking my Mom if I learned Spanish yet (my ex is Spanish), and that she really wants me to learn. She also seemed very curious to see how I was doing. My Mom told her I was doing great. My Mom also said one thing that was interesting. My ex's Mom was in a middle of saying something about my ex, then my ex came over, and she stopped her sentence. It was something to the effect of "My daughter" fill in the blank. I am dying to know what she was going to say. Was it "My daughter really is hurting and misses Drum" "My daugther is an idiot for breaking up with Drum" "My daugher is really confused" "My daughter liked Drum, and tried, but she didn't have that spark" "My daughter feels bad for hurting him" "My daughter is dating this new guy, but I don't like him like I like Drum" Who knows. It may not be anything, it may be something. Its something I have no control over. I will still remain in NC. Thanks again everyone. If she calls I will give you guys an update.

In a way, I wish she didn't talk to my Mom. I find myself waiting by the phone. Like I said, I don't have my hopes up, but I am really curious what she wants to talk about.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I will certain take them to heart. If she calls I will be myself. I am usually funny, happy, and warm, and that won't change. I will just be cordial, and if I do ask about Jessica it will be in a general sense. I won't ask any other questions. I will also be sure not to give her any indication that I want her back, because in all honesty I really don't know if I do. The truth is, I am doing pretty good without her. I have my moments, and its not always easy, but I'm not miserable, or hopeless. I got some good things going on with my life. My band is about to put out a CD, and we might even get signed. I feel I am on the threshold of some major breakthroughs in my life, so I don't know if I need this right now. I am doing pretty good without her, more than I thought I would. I do love her, and miss her. But I don't miss the games. I don't miss the feeling of not knowing if she loved me or not. I don't miss the feeling of not feeling I was good enough, despite doing everything in my power to make her happy. I don't miss the frustration of trying to know her. She was so guarded and had so many walls, that seem impossible to penetrate. So we shall see. I am going to do my best to not dwell on it. If she calls, I know I will handle it well. I have handled the breakup as well as I possibly could. I haven't called, e-mailed or texted her once since the breakup. I have been strong in front of her friends, and our mutual friends. So she has no clue how I'm feeling. I have challenged myself to be strong, and even if I don't feel it, fake it and act the part. It has helped so far, and Its getting better every day. You guys have been a great help. Thanks again.

I am on day 62 of NC, and getting stronger everyday. I won't get in to details of my story. I have typed it many times here. In a nutshell, my ex of a year, broke up with me the day after Christmas. This was the 2nd time she broke up with me. She broke up with me before and came back 9 weeks after NC. Anyway, we both attend the same church, and we are both not leaving. It makes NC kind of hard, but thank God I have been strong, and keep NC for the most part. I only spoke to her briefly at a party over a month ago, so I am not counting that. Yesterday there was a women's conference in my church. My Mom attended, and 5 mins after my Mom sat down. My ex, and her Mom sat right in front of my Mom. My Mom said, my ex was nice, but didn't ask about me. She asked about my Grandmother (We were trying to find my Grandmother a place to live). During the interemisson, my ex went to the restroom, and my ex's Mom spoke to my Mom. She told my Mom, she (my ex's Mom, not my ex) misses me so much, and told my Mom that I was a great man. She also was asked a few questions about me. She told my Mom, she really wants to talk to me, so my Mom gave her my number. I know better not to get my hopes up. Her mom really loved me, and probably wants to see how I'm doing, but I also know, this could be my ex's way of getting info. I just want to be strong when she calls. I know I am going to be tempted to ask about Jessica, but I really don't want to go there. I don't know what she is going to say, but probably something to the effect (my daughter is an idiot for dumping you), but that doens't mean anything. Its strange, but in my experiences and with many of my friends, the more the parents of your mate like you the less chances are you mate feels the same way. I am not making a general statement, but its seems to be that way with me. Anyway, any wisdom on how I should deal with the phone call, if she does indeed call. I am not waiting by the phone, but if she calls I want to be strong. Thx.

Great job Shaker, Hopefully the worst part is over for you. You have a great attitude, and that is a major part of why you are getting through this. I am on day 56, and doing O.K. I saw a therapist yesterday, and it seemed helpful. The hurt is still there, but everyday it diminishes. I still think about her alot, and that annoys me. She doesn't deserve that much attention. I get tempted to call her, but I am steadfast in my decision to not contact her. Thankfully my head is stronger than my heart.

It all depends of the situation. My ex came back after 9 weeks of NC, but then almost a year later she dumped me again. I am on day 54 of NC and she hasn't come back, and I am not sure if she will. I am not banking on it, and to be honest I don't know If I want her back. Its crazy, my ex came back the 1st time right when I felt I was turning the corner. I have mentioned this here before, but its as if our ex's have this radar to detect when we are over them. When it goes off, they call us. I am not quite over my ex, but I am getting there. I am sure, once I get over her, she will call. Its seems to happen with me all the time.

There is a term that your psychogist is talking about. Its called ONEITIS. I learn this term in a very good book I read "No more Mr Nice Guy" I strongly you guys to pick it up. It will be eye opening. I am getting over a case of it right now. Its the thought that your mate is the object of every man desires. Its even intensified when they break up with you. You get this picture that every man in the universe is trying to get with you woman. You also think that there isn't another woman that you be attracted to every again. She is your pedestal girl. The book preaches about having an abundance mentality. If we start to focus on ourself, and our needs. In other words becoming the prize, then you will realize there are many other attractive, good women that would love to be with you. Focus on getting yourself right, and your oneitis will diminish. Its still a process with me, but in my case I am happy she is off the pedestal.