anabanana

thanks everyoine for the encouraging words and advice. what i am truggling with at this point is onctacting him. i am still in a complete state of shock- i mean, i have lost my husband and supposed best friend of 3 years... i keep wanting to write him e-mails or call and ask for details, or just go off on him and tell him how badly he has hurt me, or do something vinidctive to him... i keep having these nightmares and am having a hard time getting a full night's sleep. i know i am better off without him, that this is really a blessing in disguise, but it's still really hard and i don't know where to project all my anger and disappointment and hurt if not at him...

my soon to be ex-husband and i separated in april. he moved out at the end of april and our agreement was not to date other people and work on things. i get a letter from him a week later telling me he doesn't miss me, has no hope for our future, wants a seperation or divorce. i don't hear from him after that, nor does he contact me or do anything to back this letter up (pick up his stuff, start divorce proceedings, nothing). in the beginning of june, we meet up and have a great time. i asked him then if he had been hooking up wiuth other people and he said no. i foolishly believed him even though i had noticed he had been talking to this one girl alot. i figured they were just friends. we continued to hang out and the initial excitemenst started wearing off. he started acting like a jerk and treating me badly again. i asked him several times if he had been hooking up with other people and he said no. so things aren't going so well and we don't see each other for awhile. his sentiment was that he didn't really want to see me. but then in the beginning of july, i get a phone call from him about how much he loves and misses me. he starts taking me on dates. things are going well. i'd decided to move to california a few weeks back, so he wants us to date exclusively, etc. he helps me move my stuff to his parent's house, and while we're there i grabbed his work notebook tpo write down a number. on the first page of this notebook is a drawing he did of this woman he had been sleeping with... so then i read his journal. turns out he had been sleeping with her for awhile, and also had feelings for her... what kills me is that he continued to sleep with her after we started hooking up again, and they had unprotected sex... after i confronted him and asked him again if he had slept with anybody else, he said no. can you believe that? he went for a walk, and i had his dad drive me to the bus station. that was the last time i saw him. i filed divorce proceedings first thing on the following monday. i just can't believe it. we lived together for 3 years. he also had a one night stand with this other woman... we spoke the day after i found out and he told me he met her in bar when he was drunk and they went to her place... i spoke with her and she said that they met at the bar, but went on a date a week later and went home to his new place to have sex. what a liar!!! i just can't believe it. he is so selfish! he said that he thought our agreement was that we could date other people as long as we didn't tell each other about it... funny that i don't remember that. oh, and neither one of them knew he was married. and he told the one night one that he was divorced. i am completely devastated. i feel like someone has ripped my heart out... i can't stop obsessing about it. i actually think he may have been sleeping with that one girl before he even moved out in april... luckily i am moving cross-country and will never have to see him again, but it just hurts so much and i can't stop crying. he knew that sleeping with other people was the worst way he could hurt me, and that it would ruin all chances of reconciliation... i don't understand why he brought me back into the picture... i am so hurt... and you should have seen the vulgar things he had written in his diary... i just can't believe i misjudged him that badly. so yes, please, any support or advice or tips on how to heal and move on would be greatly appreciated. i would like to hear from people who have gone through something like this... and for anyone else with kind or encouraging words.

thanks for your concern. you list the exact reasons why i am scared... i've thought about it quite a bit though and have the basics figured out (where i will stay, what i will do, etc). we were in california before we moved back to the east coast, so i have alot of friends out there. i probably wouldn't have done this if things weren't the way they are with him. but i am the one who has been living in our apartment, and that's difficult. plus, having him so close is difficult... additionally, i live in new york, which is becoming tiring for me. during the 6 week break we took, i went out to california and was so much more relaxed and happy than here... i miss the nature and pace of life out there. the reasons we moved back to new york was for career reasons, to be closer to his family, and so we could settle down for a bit (we moved around alot). career-wise, things here are not the way i want them, so there is nothing left here for me. i do love my friends here, but i don't think that's enough. i guess part of the motivation is to hurt him and make him realize what life without me really means. but honestly, i am mainly doing it for my own emotional wellbeing and sanity. i need the change and fresh start. maybe me moving will make him realize he does want to make things work and make him take some actions to that end. maybe it will make both of us realize that breaking up was the best thing to do. when we first started dating, he moved cross-country to be with me. i don't think distance is a factor when it comes to love- if you want it to work, it can. but then i know i need to let go of this hope or expectation that he might come to his senses once i move... i need to start moving on, and i can't seem to do it with him so close by.

thanks to everyone for their responses. after the nasty e-mail last week, and after he decided to go to maine instead of hang out with me, after he refused counselling, and after he didn't even have the courtesy to ask me how i was doing, i decided i was moving cross-country. i had told him i was planning on doing that when we first saw each other after the 6 week break, and he said that made him anxious and that he didn't want me to... so i postponed my plans for a month to see how things went with him. so since he was gonna get laid off, we were going to go backpacking through central america. but then he backed out of that for financial reasons, and told me to make my plans regardless of him. so i did. i am moving 3,000 miles away in 3.5 weeks. i have not heard from him in a week, and have not told him i am leaving. i do wonder how he will take it, and i do think it will finally sink in for him what he has done. but i can't keep doing this because it is breaking my heart. and the more i think about it, the more convinced i become that he does not actually love me. this is a hard realization to come to, but the fundamental concept of love is caring for somebody else... his actions over the last few months have indicated quite the opposite. we were friends before we dated, and even then he wasn't very emotionally supportive. i couldn't rely on him- things were generally on his terms. then during our relationship he was completely devoted to me in a way that wasn't healthy. i think even that devotion was motivated by self-preservation, the whole, "what will i do without her" sort of thing. it is just very sad for me to realize all of this now. i am getting scared about moving. i have done it before, and have many friends where i am going, but moving there is actually going to end things... and a part of me hopes he will somehow miraculously surprise me, though i know he won't.

hello all. back in april, my husband moved out after a very difficult 3 months. during this time, he lied to me alot and manipulated me psychologically and emotionally without even being aware of it (very passive aggressive). in our relationship he has always been very calm, but apparently was bottling up alot of negative emotion instead of venting it as it came up, and it ultimately came out in this really up way. it took him 3 months to acknowledge that what he was doing was trying to make me feel as insecure as he has felt. anyways, although we agreed to stay in touch and work towards reconciling, a week after he moved out i got a letter from him saying he doesn't miss me and wants a divorce. i never responded to the letter, and there was NC for about 6 weeks. then i contacted him, we met up, had a great time. we have been seeing each other about once a week, and it has been such a roaller coaster. it's a whole "love you/love you not" concept. last week he told me he was feeling anxious about things again. he has told me he doesn't really miss me or think about me (mind you, he has a mural of me on his new bedroom wall). i don't know whether that's true or whether he is just very unaware of himself... in any case, it hurts to hear. he said he doesn't really want to hang out. but he also said that he wants to give things another try b/c he made a commitment to me that he takes very seriously. i told him not to feel obligated b/c we're legally married, and he said it wasn't that, but that he loved me. he says he is torn up between this "commitment" and how he feels in the moment, so he's confused. i feel completely abandoned and hurt. what cracks me up is this whole commitment thing... the only commitment we made was to have each other's backs at all times. he violated that when he just walked out on me and abandoned our relationship. he is completely unstable and very selfish. last saturday, for example, i found out my parents are getting a divorce and called him up and asked if i could come over. he was like, "umm, not really"... after awhile, he invited me over. then the next day i invited him to dinner and he said no. i told him we should just make a clean break, and he said he doesn't feel comfortable defining things that way. then on monday i called a few times to get insurance information. he was supposed to get laid off at the end of july, but apparently he got a new job. when he called me back, he was at a mutual friend's birthday party. it hurt me feelings that 1.) considering that he knew how awful i was feeling, he didn't invite me to the party, 2.) i told him i had 2 dr's appointments and he didn't ask why, and 3.) he didn't call me to tell me he got a new job. the next day i wrote him an e-mail and asked him to spend the weekend at my place since my roomate is away. i also told him that if we're going to hang out, we need to be dating and romancing each other. he wrote me back a really mean e-mail saying he doesn't feel like romancing me, blabla, that he doesn't really wanna hang out, that us seeing each other may be premature, that he is going to maine this weekend, didn't ask me how i was doing or anything, and signed the e-mail, "take care". we had talked about that before, how when there's alot of heavy stuff in an e-mail, i really need him to put something postive in there, and that signing off with a "love" is enough. the fact that he didn't is just so up to me at this point. it seems like he is just being petty and mean, and i don't think i can take this anymore. but i do still love him, and i feel devastated. he is sending me such mixed messages. essentially, he's saying he wants to give it another try but he doesn't want to do any of the work required (communication, seeing each other). he has explictly refused counselling. i guess i know i need to let him go, but it's so hard...

my husband moved out about 3 weeks ago and i haven't spoken to him since. we had agreed to be separated and work towards something positive. i got a letter from him a week later saying he wanted to break up, that he didn't miss me, and had no hope for our future. i have been implementing NC, and it has been going well. it hurts like hell, and i miss him, and it's confusing because his actions haven't backed up his words. he hasn't come to pick up his stuff (and he left alot of stuff), he hasn't cut me off his health insurance, he hasn't filed any paperwork, he hasn't done a change of address form... i mean, he hasn't even changed his status to "single" on friendster. so it's confusing. i am leaving the city for about 10 days on saturday. i will be going to california, where we lived for 2 years. when we moved back east, he left alot of his records at my friend's house. i know he would really love to get those records, so i was thinking of mailing them to his parent's house (not his apartment) when i am out there. would that be a bad idea? should i just leave it alone? i am trying to work on forgiveness, and i don't want to start acting in a bitter way. this is something i would do for him as a friend... but do you think it might violate the whole "i need space" thing?

i have posted about my situation before. basically, my husband and i had a really rough january-april. we did all sorts of hurtful things to each other... we've lived together since we started dating 3 years ago. at the end of april he moved out. we saw each other and the deal was that we would be separated- we would keep contact minimal but would work towards something positive. it all ended on a really good note and we had fun with each other. we agree not to see other people. so he moves out that day- he leaves a whole bunch of stuff behind. i leave him a message the next day and then on the weekend to tell him i got a greencard and to please come and pick the rest of his stuff up (i had a subletter move in). i don't hear from him at all. so the following week, on wednesday, i left him a message asking him to come pick his stuff up while i was away at a v-ball tournament, i told him i loved him and missed him, and i told him i wouldn't be contacting him anymore. i told him he should get in touch with me when/if he is ready to see me or talk about our future. i get a letter from him on friday that he wrote on tuesday (a week after he moved out). in it, he said he had a moment of clarity, that he wants to break up, that he doesn't miss me at all, and that he has no hope for our future. no explanations, no nothing. at the end of it, he said, "i know you'll want to get together to talk about this, so let me know a time that works for you." i haven't heard from him in any way since- it has been about 10 days since i got the letter- 2 since he wrote it. i haven't contacted him either since he did say before he moved out that he really needed time and space from me and i am trying to respect that. but i am really confused because i am not sure if we are broken up or what. since the letter, he has not taken any action to back up what he said in the letter. he hasn't come to pick up his stuff, he hasn't done a change of address form, he hasn't cut me off from his health insurance, he has paid for the electricity bill, and he hasn't changed his "friendster"" status to single or anything. what the hell is going on with that? i don't know whether to get in touch with him or wait for him to contact me. i feel really abandoned and hurt- how does someone just cut someone out of their life like that? how can he just give up so easily? do you think the letter may have come out of anger and the time apart might make him see things differently? i am so confused because a part of me is hopeful, but another part is bracing for the worst... i'm leaving the city for about 10 days this weekend. if i don't hear from him by the time i get back, i guess i will give him a call and see if he wants to meet up for dinner and see how things go. we really only have 2 options- either we completely break up, or we start dating again very, very slowly- like seeing each other every 2 weeks and keeping contact minimal. or should i just assume we are broken up and let him contact me, no matter how long that takes? it is devastating to think that he just abandoned me like that. he was my best friend and boyfriend of 3 years. the last day i saw him he was telling me how much he loves me.... and then he moves out and suddenly overnight he forgets everything, stops loving me and missing me?

hi superdave, i have enjoyed your posts- they have given me some inspiration and insight. i wanted to get your advice on my situation. my husband moved out of our apartment 2 weeks ago. we have had a really rough beginning of the year- lots of arguing, jealousy, emotional abuse. i had been threatning to break up with him for months, and we flipped back and forth on that, and then at the beginning of april he sort of snapped and decided he couldn't take it anymore. i am very external and he is internal, so he said he needed time away to heal his wounds. he said that he had tried to be optimistic about our future throughout this whole ordeal, but that he was now losing that endge and could only see the negative. we saw each other the night before he moved out. we had a very nice night and talked about stuff and we agreed to separate and not see other people and give each other time and space and just see where things went. but we did agree to work towards something positive in the future. i e-mailed him the next day thanking him for having me over, and then asking him to come pick up more stuff since he left ALOT of stuff in the apartment. i didn't hear from him at all, and then a week later (on wednesday), i left him a message saying i wouldn't be at home on saturday and that he should come pick up his stuff, and that i loved and missed him but wouldn't be contacting him anymore. i told him he can get in touch with me when/if he is ready to see me or when/if he is ready to talk about our future. anyways, on friday i get a letter from him in the mail. he had mailed it out on tuesday. in it he said he had been thinking alot and had had a moment of clarity, and wanted to make a clean break and start moving on. he said he didn't miss me and that he had no hope for our future... that friday he also had a housewarming party at his new place to which i wasn't invited. his new roommate also hates me for some reason, so i am sure he gets alot of negative reenforcement from her. so, obviously, the letter was really hurtful to read. i know he can be very stubborn... but i partly think that the letter may have come from a place of anger, and isn't necessarily an accurate indication of how he is feeling. if he was serious about that stuff, wouldn't he have come to pick up his stuff on saturday? he hasn't actually taken any steps to back up his words. i haven't contacted him at all since the message i left on wednesday. i am not going to contact him at all. i think this may be a test of some kind- one of the reasons we broke up is because i am too "intense" for him.... so i guess i am just going to leave things alone, work on my own self-esteem, and maybe he'll get in touch with me in a couple of weeks. maybe he'll start to miss me. if i don't hear from him in 3 weeks, i will contact him and start the divorce proceedings. does that sound like a good idea? but should i assume we are broken up? what do you think about this? how does someone go from hot to cold so quick, from adoring me to suddenly slicing me out of his life? i don't get it... i can't believe he said he didn't miss me at all- this was written only 1 week after he moved out, when, honestly, i didn't miss him that much either... i was relieved. but it really hurt to hear that and i am worried he won't miss me. anyways, i am hurt and just need some encouragement. thanks.

hello all. i haven't seen my husband since last tuesday- almost 2 weeks. when we saw each other (he was moving out that day) we had a nice time and decided we were going to be separated, would keep contact minimal, but would still see each other from time to time and would work towards reconiciliation. basically, jsut give each other time and space. i received a letter from him this friday that he wrote on tuesday- a week after he moved out. in it, he says he had a moment of clarity, wants to create a clean break and start moving on, that he doesn't miss me, and that he has no hope that we will get back together... i am very confused. i had left him a message on wednesday (before i got the letter) that i wasn't going to be home on saturday and that he should come by to pick up his stuff, and that i loved him and missed him terribly but that i wouldn't be contacting him anymore. i told him he can contact me when/if he feels like seeing me or talking about our future. i am hurt, and very confused. he didn't come to pick his stuff up on saturday, and i haven't heard from him. part of me feels (or hopes, i guess) that this letter was written out of anger, to hurt me. it was just so mean... i have decided to do nothing, just let things be and not contact him in any way. maybe with time he will realize he does miss me and want to reconcile. maybe he won't. any advice? anyone gone through something like this?

hey, thanks for the response. i agree with you on the 2 possible scenarios. i think it is probably #1, which is so petty and immature... i am not sure if she is attracted to my husband, this is a possibility, but i am definitely sure he is not attracted to her. either way, i have decided i don't really give a * * * * what she thinks about me, she has no right to judge me, and i am not going to allow her to make me feel bad. i'm definitely not getting invited to this party, and i actually really don't care. i called my husband and left him a message telling him i will be gone all day on saturday and will leave a set of keys for him so he can come and pick up his crap, i told him i love him and miss him, and that i will not be contacting him anymore by e-mail or phone or anything- he can get in touch with me when/if he feels ready to see me or if/when he wants to talk about our future. i am reaching a point where my anger is taking over again, and i am not feeling positive anymore, and several people have been reminding me that i should take this time to think about what i want in my relationship, and whether he is the man for me. my mom told me to make sure that this wasn't just a case of wounded ego since he moved out, and not real love... it's hard to stay positive about a future with someone when they can't even contact you to take care of practical things like picking up their goddamn laundry. and we established certain rules (we're separated, will still see each other about once a week, etc), and he hasn't followed that, which is just a repeat of our entire relationship problem. we have a discussion about some issue, we decide what to do to reslve it, and then the next day he acts like nothing happened. i am tired of that. he is 26 and is a very emotionally immature man who hasn't been communicating alot of things to me over the course of our relationship, and he let it build up until it exploded in this whole scenario where he had me believe he fantasized about sleeping with his 17-18 year old students and like half his co-workers... he made it sound like there were lustful attractions to almost everyone he is around all day....and he lied about stuff and dragged it out over 3 months, and only recently admitted that it's all bull, he thinks some people are cute, that's it, and that he was doing that to make me feel as insecure as he has felt through the course of our relationship. now isn't that just * * * *ed up? what kind of a twisted passive aggressive way is that to express your anger? it's confusing since i love him, but i don't think we're a good match, and i am going to start moving on. thanks for the advice everyone.

so last night i was on the internet and looking through my little "friendster" site, and i noticed that my husband's new roommate had removed me as one of her friendsters... the two of them are co-workers and friends. i thought this was kind of mean, and it made me feel like she probably hated me and was talking alot of * * * * about me. i haven't heard from him for a week at this point and i feel really really depressed. anyways, last night i e-mailed her a message being like, "i hope you're well, i'm glad you're living with noah," etc, etc. then i invited her to be my "friendster". so this morning, not only did she decline my invitation, but she also deleted a testimonial that she had written for me a year ago. this just feels really petty and mean. i mean, i guess she is just being a loyal friend or whatever, but i don't really think it is fair for her to judge me. it makes me worry about the environment he is in and how it will affect his feelings about us. also, they are having a housewarming party on friday, and i don't think he is going to invite me. we are not technically broken-up. we are "separated", not dating other people, working towards a positive future and keeping contact to a minimum. but this is just starting to feel mean and vindictive, and disrespectful. i regret contacting his roommate now, but it's too late to do anything about it. i just have to be the bigger person. but i will be very, very hurt if i am not invited to this party.... i mean, i wouldn't go, but i should get an invitation, right? and as far as the roommate thing, i wanted to establish a friendly vibe with her since i might be going over to their place from time to time, and i think her reaction is really immature and hurtful. what do you think? i think that if he doesn't invite me or contact me by then, i am going to break it off. i love the man, but this is ridiculous- we're not in high school.

thank you for the encouragement... it's just so hard- i don't even know his address... but you're right, i just need to lay off and give him time. i should focus on myself and just work on my stuff, and not obsess so much about him.... thanks again.

hey all, my husband and i (we've been together for 3 years) have had an extremely trying and emotionally draining last 4 months. it all started in mid-january after a VERY stressful year (me studying for the Bar exam and working 11 hours a day, him going to school fulltime and working full time)... we have said and done extremely hurtful things to each other since then and it jus kept escalating and escalating... we are both to blame, and about a month ago it got to a point where we decided we couldn't take it anymore and needed time apart to heal and recover. my husband decided to completely remove himself from the situation (he is much more internal than i am needed some time alone) and has indicated that he doesn't want to see me or talk to me, and that he thinks we should break up but is hopeful about our future. no boundaries have been crossed in terms of infidelity or anything, but serious issues have come up or us (he has alot of pent up resentment against me, and he has brought up alot of insecurity issues for me). we love each other, but things are really difficult right now, so i need soem support. he moved out of our apartment last tuesday. we saw each other the night before and had a nice time- we ended things on an optimistic note. i e-mailed him that day thanking him for letting me come over, and that i had a nice time. that night when i came home, i saw that he didn't take alot of stuff and called him to ask him to please come take more of it since i had a subletter move into the spare bedroom on saturday. i didn't hear from him. i called again on saturday and left a message for him to please come and get his stuff, and i alos told him some good news i received recently. still no word. he has asked for time and space and i am really doing my best to give him that. i am anxious and want to hear from him since it is very hard to remain positive when i get no response or anything from him when i reach out. we agreed to "separate" and not date other people and just work on ourselves... i just want him to come over and take his stuff (he has a whole load of laundry in my room!) and think it is disrespectful that he hasn't contacted me about it. i also want to see him. i miss him terrily and don't know if i can do this. i fear that things will not end well and that he will break up with me. our relationship has generally been a good one. but i am worried e may have pushed each other over the edge. i am hurt he has not gotten in touch. should i just let it be and not call him or e-mail him anymore? any advice?

that's true... i think maybe it's a masochistic element of my personality that wants to know what she looks like- i just want to make sure she is actually cute! he has insisted that it was a harmless crush and that i am the only one he loves and he thinks i am the most beautiful person. but she is also the only woman from work that he can specifically remember masturbating to, and it just bugs me. he says he has never thought about being in a relationship with her or anything, and hasn't put much thought into it. she's just nice and he likes her and she's sexy. he says she has nothing i don't have, it's just an innocent attraction. i don't see our relationship working anyways... he is moving out today... but if it does work out, i will pobably end up meeting her at some point anyway since they work together... but probably not. he has really damaged my self-esteem and sense of security with all the lies and decption in the last few months. now he has decided he can't do this anymore and pretty much just stopped talking to me altogether. very mature. i guess a part of me does want to compare myself to her, which probably isn't a good idea... i don't know why i am so curious!

my boyfriend and i are pretty much breaking up at this point. it has had to do with him telling me all sorts of unnecessary things about crushes and fantasies involving his teen students and co-workers... turns out he was telling me this stuff not because it was true, but because he was being really mean and vindictive and wanted me to feel as insecure in the relationship as he has felt. but anyways, he has had one crush since we have been together, and they work together. it's a harmless crush, whatever, but i can not get over this desire to see what she looks like. it drives me nuts. i really want to just go to his work and see her (he's only there from 4-6- he works somewhere else in the mornings). is this nuts? i think it might just put my mind at ease since i'll finally see her and the mystery of it all will be gone. but another part of me thinks this is pretty crazy behavior. it's not like he cheated on me or anything- i am just so curious about what she looks like. thoughts?