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friscodj

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friscodj last won the day on July 20 2007

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  • Birthday 02/16/1976

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  1. And that's what I realized happens when I sent letters like this. She didn't really want to be with me, I didn't mean that much to her, and she was very likely gone before the actual split happened, but when you drop literary A-bombs like this on someone, it certainly breaks them down and does so on deeper levels knowing it is directed towards them. And this certainly "works" to "win" them "back". But on the deeper level, all this does is delay the inevitable, like a shot of adrenaline into a dying race horse. After the adrenaline wears off, after the excitement of hearing beautiful words written on a piece of paper, email, etc., it goes back to being same patterns, the same familiar territory, the same, the same, the same. Then you wash, rinse, repeat and still hurt in the end. Writing someone back into your life won't "fix" any of the underlying problems that caused the split and won't generate permanent and lasting love in someone's heart beyond the shock, excitement, rekindled hopes and dreams such a writing brings.
  2. Wow, I can't believe someone dug this out of the basement of the ENA archives! This letter, this woman, this relationship is the reason I am here. I made my first post here covered in tears. I'm a different person in many senses now, thanks to time, thanks to all of you here. Again, I'm glad my words helped someone. I had no idea someone would be touched by them. I've found peace with this situation now, thanks for asking. I haven't seen Jordana in almost 2 years now. I hope she is doing well and is very happy with whoever she is with now. The memories remain but are distant. I see people that remind me of her from time-to-time. I read the letter I wrote here and got a little choked up. She's sent me a couple short, casual emails in the past year or so that I never answered, that's about it. But hey, what can I say? It's not my problem that she made the biggest mistake of her life by chucking me...
  3. "Look back" and thank God? Look back? Look "right now" and thank God! Remember what this guy did to you! Are you kidding me? In your next post, list out the terrible things he did... And look, you are really fine right now. You can walk, you can talk, you are free, you really are. You can do anything you want, you are constrained by nothing but abstract thoughts, feelings, and memories. Nothing is physically holding you back from your life and neither is your mind. You can do this, you can be happy. Look at those people less fortunate, less privileged, those who are truly "stuck" and far worse off than yourself. You are pursuing a living using your talent, you are attractive, you are intelligent, pursuing a Ph.D., you help people in your career, you have so much! And you continue to let what you don't have and what you don't want, i.e., your ex weigh you down. You could be far worse off, have some physical handicap that does not go away as this pain and the memories of this situation will, etc., and you are free. You could still be with your ex, you could being dug in deeper into these destructive patterns, you could be just breaking up now. Keep this in perspective!
  4. Hey 7- I have two thoughts regarding your last post: 1) You mention you went "straight NC" with her after she broke up with you. This can lead to unfinished business which can hold you back here. Is there anything you want to say to her? Any clarification about anything at all? Any questions that she could answer for you? Anything you have been repressing, holding onto for whatever reason? 2) I think you should date one of these other women you mention. I think regular interaction and building some basis of closeness and connectedness with another woman, whether it be a close friendship or more, is a good idea in your particular situation. Roll the dice and don't worry about not being able to be there for them. Worry about that later. 3) I like what your uncle said. I think you should talk to him more often about this. It helps to have someone in your life, someone there, who can see your body language, tone, etc., someone more experienced, who can advise you on things like this.
  5. Hey B- Let me reiterate in light of what you just wrote and say again that you are not pathetic. Just keep doing this. Whenever you catch yourself stuck in reminiscing about the good times, catch these thoughts and replace them with a bad memory. There are plenty to choose from I know... Another suggestion for you is trying group therapy. I know you mention you are seeing a therapist right now and perhaps the group dynamic, the presense of peers in the flesh in this setting, will help take you to the next level with this? And from the sounds of your last post, you definitely sound to be fighting with this. You seem to associate past work you've done with failure when you reach low points in this cycle of healing, that you've done all this work for nothing because you feel bad. Again, I urge you to look at the large-scale here vs. day-to-day feelings. It's tough because we remember yesterday and how we felt very clearly but the memories of feelings from a year ago are dimmer. Read your other thread you posted when this first started, read through it, and then read this one. I see a lot of progress and I'm sure you will too. You mention you are in "F-IT" mode. Try that with this fight here within yourself. You're afraid, don't feel like you, etc. F-IT, it is what it is and getting angry, frustrated, upset about it, etc. is only making it worse. It's time to let this go, let go of this familiarity, this connection with your past association with destructive patterns. Perhaps working towards this end will help you to. At any rate, the crux of the process here to get you to better places takes your choices, your action, and your effort. No one is holding a gun to your head forcing you to drink. You can certainly choose not to do this. We here and your therapist can say everything "right", you can have the best medicine, but ultimately you yourself have to toughen up and make this happen. There is no substitute for that.
  6. Hey B- I'm sorry to hear of your troubles with all of this. Don't you wish there was a magic wand that could be waved and make this all go away? At any rate, I think from reading your post mentioning the music video, you are holding onto what was good and should also remember the bad. Be fair here; whenever you find yourself getting wrapped up in the good of the past, also recall the bad. Be fair, one for one. When you do this, I think you will see these good times were really superficial. The activity, the idea of closeness, connectedness with a man in an intimate relationship, etc. is what you are really holding onto here. He was just a variable in this equation, a means to this end, because he himself at the core sounds to be no good. And you know this... We talked about abusiveness and familiarity with such before, how we seek what is familiar to us, etc. I see that happening here. Accept your situation, your place here. You are not abnormal or "pathetic" as you mention in the title of this thread. The desire to seek a relationship will return I guarantee it. How long will it take? As long as it needs to. Try to accept this and accept that what is taking place right now, these struggles to understand and manage yourself, the sources of your attraction, and your familiar destructive patterns will ultimately help you have better relationships in the future. And this process as well as these better relationships won't necessarily "feel" right to you right away nor should they. What your attraction knows as "right" got you stuck in this situation with your ex. And you've known such situations your entire life! Yeah it's going to take some time here to readjust and reorient for the better! So focus on the cleansing process and process of change and betterment within yourself here. You are very much wrapped up in the time aspects of this which is generating hopelessness and doubt in your mind. You had some very deep and serious experiences in your life that rooted this situation with your ex. You are digging in and cutting away at these roots of this weed. You are making forward progress with this I can see it clearly. It isn't happening at the rate you like but it is happening. Focus on that. Remember where you started with this. Remember your old destructive patterns and how now you can see them and desire to avoid them. You are not hopeless, not by any stretch of the imagination. You are cleaning out the emotional garage and throwing out the bad stuff. It looks empty and barren now, but with your new sense of desire and selectivity, you will acquire more memories and fulfillment to fill your space. Right now, you're tired and rightfully so. You had a lot of stuff to take to the garbage. Your desires will return and life seems to have a funny way of presenting us with unplanned opportunities to snap this into action.
  7. Hey buba- I have a couple of thoughts regarding your last two posts here, respectively: 1) I think it will benefit you greatly if you are able to turn this seemingly painful and terrible situation into one that generates some positive motivation to make positive changes in your life. Perhaps there is something deeper here? Perhaps this situation, your role in it, and as such your feelings are tied to your past and addressing those issues is a deeper and thus more effective solution here. Perhaps this situation with your ex will be looked back upon one day as the "experience that turned your life around", that opened your eyes and motivated you to dig deep within yourself, figure out the sources of and the depth of your patterns, and improve them. I think if you are able to turn this into a stimulus for positive change in your life vs. looking at this on the surface, it will take you to the next level of healing and acceptance with this, almost like it is a necessary part of your development. That might unstick you from this situation. 2) Your detachment also indicates to me that you are moving forward here. I have seen that it is very normal and common for people to detach like you describe, to emotionally recluse like this, almost as if emotionally going to sleep for a while after a long and tiring day. What does that mean? When you wake up, that long and tiring day will be over. The sun will shine again, and you will have another day, another opportunity to live your life. So roll with this. Give up, don't trust men, be alone. I think this is an understandable and necessary phase to go through after an experience like yours. At any rate, it will pass and you will be fine. It always works out that way . It may take some time so why not find some positivity in this process as well and really flourish in the aspects of your life that are truly yours right now that being in a relationship might interfere with!
  8. Hey 7- Jesus, Mary, and Joseph my man, this post says it all. Your issues go deeper than this one woman. She is exemplifying something deeper going on with you my friend. Let's look at what you wrote here: your self-esteem is shot to hell, your communications with her are making you feel like crap, you are obsessing over her, you view the situation as having a "winner", and on top of all of this, you know you will never be "her guy"...yet you persist with this... You are very much stuck in a self-destructive cycle here and it needs to stop if you hope to have a healthy intimate relationship with any woman. At point, I sense that words from other's won't help you much more. You need to help you and to reach that point in light of this, I think this situation needs to beat you down a bit more. You sound to be close to ground zero with this, so holding on a little longer and taking one or two more lashings should do the trick here. You are turned around in the right direction it sounds and need one or two more kicks to get moving on the right path. After that, I'd take some time away from dating altogether and consider talking to a pro about all of this. I really think there is something deeper going on here, likely related to some childhood experience or experiences. This has been going on for so long that it has become familiar and thus somewhat comfortable to you. You need to unlearn that and distance yourself from these behaviors if you are to have healthy intimate relationships with anyone. This can all be done and you can definitely do it without a doubt. It will take time and effort and this situation should serve as a good motivator for you to look at yourself and seek to answer some questions like why you are doing this to yourself. But first, you need to get out of and away from this situation.
  9. Hey 7- In reading your latest post, it definitely sounds to me like you are obsessed with this woman and your feelings for her. You saved and are reading an email from her from 5 months ago on a Friday night? That's not love, that's obsessive bro... I am also quite sure she is telling you about this other guy because she really and truly digs him. She is not playing games here, you are, with yourself. She is telling you because she considers you a friend, i.e., she is over what you guys had together and thinks you are too. But of course she doesn't want to let go. Why should she? She's enjoying herself, dating great guys, and has your affection and support as well. She's got it made my friend... Additionally, she is likely too immature to see what is going on here. She probably doesn't know how much this situation is tearing you apart inside. You probably told her how you felt and got a response something to the effect of "thank you so much, that was so sweet" or even an "I love you too, I always will", some BS like this. She may see your expression as a friendly connection, a "lasting love", not the same love as you mean, but doesn't see what it is doing to you. This connection you have is not hurting her so why should she let it go? But it is hurting you so why should you keep doing this to yourself? And she lives on the other side of the country! What do you expect to happen here? Seriously, what do you expect here? That in light of the feelings she has for another guy, she will suddenly realize what a great and wonderful guy you are by being in her life, this will generate romantic attraction in her heart, she will decide surely that she wants to be with you romantically and want to have a future with you making plans to move to be with you or have you move to be with her? Wake up dude. And it isn't her responsibility really to live your life for you. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself. Period. And you need to start doing that right now. Stop playing games with yourself. Tell her how you feel, why you feel that way, what you want and if she dos not step up to the plate with action, maybe this will be the kick you need to get to better places here. Ask her the hard question you never asked her or are too afraid to ask her. Dig deep and get to the truth of this matter like this. How does she see you in her life? What does she see you as? How often does she think about you and what do those thoughts entail? Everything you wrote here about your feelings, turn those into questions for her. Then you'll get to the bottom of this. So that's what to do, the harder part is actually doing it. So what are your thoughts on that?
  10. Hey 7- Yes, I have missed someone like that. At that point, the "missing" turns to "obsession". I'm telling you dude, the way to get out of this mental trap is to get kicked out of it. I strongly suggest you pour your heart out to this woman and go from there. You are harboring these feelings and it is getting you nowhere. Actually, it is holding you back from experiencing and sharing healthy love with someone else. This situation making you unhappy and causing restriction for you and as such you are missing out on life, love, and happiness. So I do know what it feels like and I also know what it feels like to get out of the trap. It is damn scary at first and hurts like hell but this is necessary. It's high time to forgo subtlety in the name of brute force and tell this woman exactly how you feel and tell her what you want. You genuinely need an answer here and you need to get it from her. You need to hear it from the source of your infatuation here. There is no way around this. You can tip-toe around this but there will always be a lingering doubt in your mind and maybe even regret that you kept this inside. Then the situation grows and grows and seems out of control to you, that it is not only easier to stay in your comfortable, familiar, albeit unhealthy place with this but you lose faith regarding other options and simply accept life as it is and embrace unhappiness. I'd much rather get kicked in the teeth and the nuts simultaneously than live like that. As far as therapy, that might be a good idea, as obsessive-compulsive disorder is something that can be treated with specific mental techniques, given a diagnosis of such. You might want to red books by Aaron (or is it Alan?) Beck on this subject as well. There could be other psychological mechanisms at play here too.
  11. Welcome to ENA frida123, great to have you here... First of all, let's look at what you really "lost" here. It sounds to me like you "lost" (notice quotes) a nutjob and gained freedom and forewent future pain had you stayed with this guy. If you do the math, I think you will see you came out on the better end of this deal... You loved and were attached to this nutjob but he is still a nutjob nonetheless. And I really believe this is not a reflection on you... But I do sense your main fear here is that you think this was your last chance at love and having children. Can you imagine? Having kids with this emotional mess of a boyfriend? You're better off sister and so are they! But I hear you and I understand your feelings right now. They are all normal and will subside in time guaranteed. In many senses, you have addressed a lot of the solutions in your post, i.e., focusing on your job, going to the gym, generally keeping your mind busy and your life full. That's what you have to do. There is no side-stepping the grief but you can at least make the journey through emotional hell air conditioned by doing some of these things you mention. At any rate, I am quite certain in time, you will shake your head and laugh about this situation someday and pity the next woman who gets involved with this head case. And I hope your Mom's health matter gets resolved quickly and completely...
  12. Hey Vinny- I would venture to say that everyone has some fear of rejection my friend. This is normal and actually helpful in a few aspects I think. First, it can certainly keep you out of trouble. It often leads to an excuse to rationalize and in some (many?) cases in light of your hormonally-driven romantic desires might save you from a lot of pain and heartbreak down the road. It's creating a somewhat healthy filtering mechanism for you, and as an ancillary benefit raising your standards in some respect in your desire to see some reciprocation. That's what you want! And most guys would jump head-first into a relationship with your baggage-laden co-worker there...including yours truly... At any rate, man, if I could go back and not approach one or two women I dated before I would certainly do so... Secondly, I think it exudes a level of genuine character and maybe even flattery to some women, that you are a little nervous talking to them, a little shy, a lot of women dig that, the ones you would be interested in dating perhaps. Forget high school. To me, once you graduate high school, you're a different person anyway. So much change happens during those years anyway. I think you have a good perspective on this. You seem to be wise beyond your years. You also have the basics down in that you are comfortable talking to people, meeting and befriending them, and people like you. With this basis, it is only a matter of time before something amazing happens for you. Without a doubt. The way to taking that last baby step towards the direction of love and connectedness you seek is by just doing it. I know how you feel I think because I feel the same way. Do you feel like you are overstepping some boundaries by asking her out? Feel like you might be intruding on her business if she is with someone already? Feel like she might be like, "What? I don't like you that way, I was just trying to be friendly...sheesh." Whatever you mental barrier is, the only way to get over it is to get over it. You just have to do it. Expect it will be difficult, expect your heart to beat out of your chest, expect the words to come stammering out. I think as long as you do it with a smile and laugh about it later, you'll be fine. And when I am in situations like this, I think to myself something like this: "This woman is crazy if she is not super-excited I am talking to her and putting myself out there for her. If she doesn't see this, appreciate it, and jump at this chance, she's really a moron wrapped inside the body of a beautiful woman. Too bad for her, I'm a hell of a guy and a rare find." While this is an obviously cocky and harsh mindset, no one knows you're thinking this so what's the harm? And I think tough times call for tough measures and you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes to punch through difficult situations like this, even if the statement has some partial truth to it. And I guarantee once things get rolling, once the proverbial ice gets broken, it gets so much easier no matter her reaction. So in short, you just have to get over yourself and do it. Sometimes she will approach you too, don't count that option out either but don't bank on that happening. If you really want it, you'll do it...
  13. You are very wise to see this my man. This is a very real possible side effect of continuing to fight this battle. Something like this can make you emotionally exhausted, shut down, and not present for someone who you'll meet in the future who really loves you as much as you love her... At any rate, in my case, I didn't listen to anyone. My situation was different because it was my situation. She was my girl, I loved her more than I loved myself, and I wasn't just going to let this go... So I had to learn these lessons the hard way...
  14. Nothing like some good, healthy, mutually guilt-motivated sexual repression to bring out the best in people. I'd stay away from that racket buddy...I might see you on Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Church Group Predator"....great story though...
  15. Hey JZ- I know when I have been in situations like this, I somehow thought that my profession of love to her meant an open expression of such no matter the level of reciprocation. This to me was what unconditional love was about, the kind I desperately (and I was desperate) wanted to share with her. I also thought this painful situation was a just a "bump in the road" and by staying in it, I was validating such love and showing to her my commitment to loving her. I thought this would make our love stronger and prove to her it was real and I was worthy of her love and "win" her heart like this. After the emotional smoke cleared, I came to realize I was stubbornly refusing to accept "defeat" with this to avoid feeling like a failure and the resulting guilt I built a propensity towards based on my upbringing. This became my sole focus in light of the very apparent truth of the situation that she really didn't love me and as such I was chasing an illusion of love. This grandiose effort also proved to be confusing her more, enticing her to stay in a situation she didn't really want to be in, one that she was trying to get out of but was hesitant because I was giving it so much effort that this effort stroked her ego, i.e., she loved being loved and being chased, so much that she was torn between staying or going even though she really wanted out. And then when I got tired and frustrated with this silliness, finally saw it as such for what it was, made some distance, sure enough, she came back with the emails telling me how much she "missed me" and that she was "rethinking things", perhaps we "she a mistake", and equally as sure enough I went running (actually speeding in my car) over to her house back into her arms and back into this misguided situation that ultimately lead to the same outcome and in doing so really messed me up for a long time. It took me reaching the true breaking point with anger with a few cycles of this and it lead to a big falling out and I'll be damned if I ever speak to her again. I haven't felt passion that intense before and I know if I ever see her again I'd fold like a bad poker hand. I think you can love someone who is not reciprocating such love and love yourself at the same time by keeping that love to yourself, in the privacy and protection of your own heart, a heart that is continually showing you it is more deserving of your love than her. I thought I'd share that with you my friend. Maybe you can take something out of that which speaks to you and your situation.
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