poke

JEAB, you are correct. I did tell ex what she didn't have the strength to say herself. My ex wife is now very happy with her new boyfriend, and I am able to be friends with her in a healthy and constructive way. We can talk about her and her bf without it causing me the slightest bit of a problem, and I like that alot. She knows that I'm over her, and she has relaxed considerably since she realised that. Makes life soooo much easier without the tension. As for the girl that I have been spending all my time with for the last 9 months, we wont be getting together. She loves me, and we are so close... but she has embarked on a journey with the new guy she has met. I will do my best to support her and love her as my best friend... and I hope it wont be too long before I'm feeling like "dating" someone again, although there is no hurry, I want to be healed and healthy before going down that track again. I just enjoy the feeling of loving and being loved. I really miss it.

kissing is like beer dude... if you dont like it the first time... just keep going, and it wont be long until it becomes the nectar of the gods!

blender gives good advice. I also think you should just relax, and enjoy it for what it is right now. what is the hurry? if it is going to work out, the great. If not, at least your daughter will have had a great weekend with both her parents. hope it goes well. oh, and dont get drunk and sleep with him... that really complicates things with ex's (speaking from experience). much better to take it slow, and absolutely mean everything that you say and do.

I had been staying at a friends place until dec, and I had been struggling for alot of that time. Mid dec, I moved into my own house, and things have just gotten better ane better ever since. I had a bit of a setback in the last few weeks. My grandfather died, and I had a very stressful 2 weeks there because I had to fly to the other side of the country, and there was alot of crap that had to be sorted out. While I was there, I did alot of thinking about my life and who and what was important to me. I came back home ready to tell a girl that I have been really close friends with that I wanted more with her, but.... the day I got back, she came and told me that she had met a guy she liked, and wanted to date him to see where it could go. I was pretty much heartbroken at that point. I really love her, and I know she felt the same way about me, but we both didn't make anything of it because we thought it was too soon. She didn't know that I had been feeling like I wanted more, and as a consequence, she had thought there was no future. She is now really confused, and is struggling to work out which direction she should go. The guy she likes is a top bloke, and I reckon they have as good a chance as anyone to make it work. But, I have been her friend now for 2 years, and particularly in the last 8 months, we spent just about all our time together, and consider each other best friends. I dont know what is going to happen. I was really angry (mostly at myself) when I found out about this guy. She had not done anything with him at all, she came and told me right when she realised there was some feeling there, and he expressed a desire to be with her. I started to get very down about it, as I have no doubt in my mind that I want to be with her. It has been a week since I found out, and it took until yesterday for me to realise that I didn't want to be the sort of person that wallowed in my sadness anymore. I thought long and hard about the sort of person I wanted to be, and made the choice to be a happy person who is sad about something, not a person who is sad, and lets that define who they are. The change in perspective seems to be working out well so far. I have told her how I feel about her, and that I want more than anything to be with her. She was pretty shocked, and is finding it difficult to process the whole lot. I'm just continuing to be her friend, but at the same time showing her how I feel about her. I hope it is enough to convince her to give us a shot. If not, I still have my best friend, but I know that the dynamics will change when she is with someone else. The intimacy changes, but hey... thats life... what can you do about it. No matter what happens, I'm committed to being happy with my life, which is great in theory. Now to make it a reality.

thought an update was in order. we have been separated for a year now, and about to get divorced in a few weeks. its only been in the last few months that I've been happy in life again, and things are starting to work out. after we had been separated for a couple of months, she started telling me stuff like... I never really loved you, never really wanted to be with you... I'm happier with my new boyfriend than I ever was with you. all in all she did a pretty good job of killing off any feelings I had for her. it sucked * * * * for a long time, but life does go on. its just a matter of remembering that when it all seems so bad.

Yes, if I can see that she has genuinely made effort to resolve these issues, I would stand by her again. But!!!! The patience is wearing very thin. I don't think I would be strong enough to handle and incident where she did do something physical with another guy. The only reason that this time has not been like that, is that I caught it before it became "anything".

I'm the one thats kicked her out now... so the worst she can do is not come back. I'm prepared for that, I just would much perfer it if she did come back for the right reasons.

My wife of 8 years, partner of 12 has just told me that she doesn't know if she wants to be with me. Part of her does, the majority part, but another part doesn't. We have 2 children, 4 & 7. She has been with two other people while I have been with her... a one night stand just before we got married, and a 6 month affair almost 3 years ago. 12 months after I found out about the affair, I left her. I felt that her behaviour patterns were not changing, and that it would only be a matter of time before I got hurt / it happened again. After 6 months of being separated, I came back to her. Confident that things would be different. That I would be different, and that should be enough to at least improve the situation to some extent. That was a year ago. As far as I've known, the last year has been good. Not always easy, but a massive improvement on our previous efforts. The last few months have been hard for her, lots of nasty life events that have a habbit of all happening at once. I knew she had been down and stressed, but I wrote this off as a reaction to her grandfather dying, and other things that had been happening. Last week, I caught her starting something with a guy she has met at Uni. It wasn't physical, but I knew thats where it was heading. After talking to her about it, and having her lie a number of times saying that it wasn't like that, she admitted that it was headed for the bed. All of that was stuff that I knew would happen sooner or later, one reason why I was semi vigilant about what was happening in her life. After the conversation about her uni friend, a whole lot of other stuff came out. She doesn't know if she wants to be with me, she doesn't know what she feels for me, she craves the single life she never had. (she got married at 19, and I was her first real boyfriend). But.... of course, she still loves me, and wants to be with me now, just not necessarily permanently. I sort of got a bit upset about that, and said that I wasn't comfortable continuing a relationship with someone that didn't want me, and I suggested that she move out, take some time to work out what she wants... without the stress of the kids, and our life... and come back to me with a decision. She rang me today (she left yesterday), and said that she wanted to work through her issues while living with me and the kids. I told her that for most of the issues that had been oncovered, that would be fine, but she could not come back to live with me as my wife until she could tell me that I was the one she wanted, and that I am someone she wants to be with for as long as possible. I felt like * * * * when I said that to her... as I felt like I was just pushing her away. Giving her exactly the one thing that shes been craving - single life and freedom, and that she might like it so much that she won't ever come back. Am I doing the right thing?

Back to school is definatley the preferred option. Just make sure you think long and hard about it, cause there is nothing worse than getting into more debt studying, but getting half way though and dropping out because its not what you really want to do. Whatever you choose... make sure you stick to it and see it though. Any qualification is better than no qualification. Doesn't even matter if you don't work in the field you studied in, just the fact that you were disciplined enough to apply yourself and complete the course will be a solid indication to employers that your worth consideration. Good luck

It wouldn't matter if people said its too early... your still craving it, and if the opportunity came along, most would take it. Just make sure your honest with whoever you do hook up with.

whatever...

Thanks RC & DN, I think I may have misinterpreted your earlier post a little... I understand better now where you were coming from. BTW, I think you guys are doing a great job

hmmm... well I'm from Australia, things are a little different here, so I take your point curlblue. Its easy to forget your talking to people from all round the world on her

As I've been one of the very few in this thread to give advice that conflicts with some of the more seasoned members, I guess I've taken these comments as largely referring to me. The first comment quoted above concerns me, as althought it is a very good idea to be careful who you take advice from, the implication is that if you are RC, DN or RayKay then the advice should not be questioned. The second comment infers that if someone gives differing advice, it can just be written of as advice from someone who is in the same situation and can't say anything different. In an effort to correct some of the misconceptions about who might be posting, I will state my background. I've had a significant amount of counselling training though volunteer organisations. I have on a volunteer basis helped a range of people from teens through to married couples. I have also worked with people who were suicidal during relationship issues. I do not pretend to have professional level education in this area, but consider myself reasonably informed, and wherever possible encourage people to enter into formal counselling with a suitably qualified person. I've been with my partner for almost 12 years, and have been married for 8. 3 years ago, my life entered a period which for me was a hell I would not wish on my worst enemy. It took me two years to find my way back to happiness. I did that not only with the assistance of counsellors and therapists (even a clinical psyc at one point), but with other people offering their advice (so called non skilled people, and even some in similar situations). I found that on numerous occasions the professional skilled people were just flat out wrong in their advice. This is not a dig at professional counsellors, as they can't be right 100% of the time, and they perform a fantastic service. My point desdichado is, don't just listen to advice and take it as gospel based on "credentials" although checking credentials is a good place to start when looking for advice. Listen to what people say, then question it. Apply it to your situation in a hypothetical scenario, and if your not convinced that it is right for you, then ask questions, clarify, and make your own mind up. The person giving that advice can not fully 100% understand your situation as you see it, there are just too many variables to consider, so in the end, you have to decide what is right for you. In the end, I do agree with RayKay that limited contact is probably the best middle ground. The best advice I can give you (which is totally based on my own experiences) is be aware of how low / depressed you are feeling, and if your not coping, and your getting more down then seek help before it gets too bad. IMHO if your not coping with the situation then less contact with your partner is beter than more. just m2c take it or leave it...

Tell her you value her way too much to risk losing what you have this way. Be honest... tell her that years of friendship doesn't always = chemistry, and that she deserves to feel like shes the most beautiful important person in the world at that time, not just a comfortable purely physical act that is stimulated by a fear of losing your virginity some other way. Sounds like you are really close, so I'm sure you will be able to work through this with her.