Orlander

Update!!! I went out with her the night before last. We really havent been talking much. I stopped talking to her and stopped IMing her over the past month. She emailed me recently telling me we should "catch up". So, I suggested that I take her out for dinner. We went to dinner and had a nice time. She said she was staying in town now and things were definitely over between her and the ex. She laughed at my jokes and gave me the genuine impression that she was interested in me. She added me as a friend on myspace and so I know she knows how old I am and she seems to be fine with the 13 year age difference. I am taking her out next week. I would this weekend but I am currently out of town. I like her but am not sure she is right for me. I figure I will give it one more date to see how things go. On the last date we gave each other kisses on the sides of each other's mouths while we hugged each other tightly. I know there is interest there. Just thought I would update. Orlander

Yesterday it was three months since I found out my ex was engaged. It's time to put this thread in the past as far as regular/continual updates. It doesnt bother me anymore. I'm over my ex in many ways, but equally not so in many other ways. It's tough to describe and explain. I hope for new love. I'm nearly ready for it. I'm the only one really standing in my way of finding it, accepting it. I think of where I was just three months ago and I am shocked at the progress. Still lonely, but love is out there. I'll find it when I'm ready. To everyone out there struggling, wondering what the future brings...it brings calm, cool breezes, smiles and gratitude for what you have...if you allow it and just be patient. Orlander

hey beebee...anger has many affects on people and I was very VERY angry a year ago. My ex broke NC twice at that point and I was frustrated. I wanted her back and I wanted her to leave me alone. I did everything I could think of to get her back and at the same time I also did what I could to get her to leave me alone. It was my attempt to say "I love you more than anything but you have to leave because if you stay I will only hurt you" That's what anger does. I dont regret anything I did really...I have forgiven myself and forgiven my ex (for the most part). I didnt deserve to be treated like that but she didnt deserve some of the things I said too. Lesson learned. If someone says "leave" then do just that and close the door on the way out. Dont think too much about what someone says when they are angry. Hold them accountable for their words and actions, but love enough to forgive and move on. That's why I condone leaving for good when someone breaks up with you. Turn away and walk and dont look back. I wasnt able to do that and it cost me months of wasted time, energy and much, much pain. Orlander

Aw, I'm sorry to hear Tezza. Any guy capable of doing what you say your exboyfriend did definitely isnt worth your love. I know it stinks now what you are going through, but you have to stay strong because you WILL get through it. I promise you you will find someone much better when you are ready. I dont think about my ex's engagement much anymore. It just doenst bother me. It took a couple of months to get to this point where I am right now, but I am pretty much over my ex with the odd day here or there where I still miss her. I'm falling in love with the idea of meeting someone new and wonderful and falling in love again. Just keep reading and posting here on our great forums. There's a lot of really good advice around and some great people who give them. Orlander

Cyprian, no words of wisdom are going to ease your heart. There is only one thing that is going to help right now and that is time. If you want to have a direction in life, try to imagine what you want your life to be like and keep focusing on it. You will think about her less and less and you will find real joy in living again. You have to want it and that just takes time. Be patient. Orlander

Nonsense. I have no doubt that I will get over my ex. I felt this same way before about the ex before my ex and I got over her when I met my now ex. My problem is not feeling I can truly get over my ex until I meet someone else I fancy...though I believe that might be part of the healing process...when we are able to love another we are finally able to let go. Orlander

It's been 2 months now since I found out my ex had gotten engaged. A lot of change has come about in me. I've learned a lot about myself. I can sleep well again. I don't have nightmares anymore. I can date other women now without it feeling uncomfortable. Most importantly I can imagine feeling love towards someone new. Albeit fleetingly, I even have occasions I can feel what it would be like to experience love and passion towards someone new. I truly feel open to the possibility of new love. What remains is regret, doubt and anger... I regret that I did not love my ex more, that I did not show her what I am capable of. I have serious doubt that I will ever find someone to love again and I constantly fight the thoughts that joy and passion will elude me forever. I am angry at my ex still, angry at the world and angry at myself. The other day my friend and I were talking and I told him I was a little angry that my ex was in what appeared to be the relationship of her dreams. She is with someone who can sing to her, because she always thought that was passionate and romantic (I cant sing very well at all) and she was with someone who shared the same passions and beliefs in God and Jesus. He seemed to have a huge stable of friends with which to share as she nor I had many. Indeed, all my self-described deficiencies he possessed in ample supply. In my imagination at least, this guy must be fantastic and perfect. My friend smiled and said "It's never as bad as you think it is." He was right. The imagined person I have created in my mind is probably ten times better a man than he probably is, than probably anyone is. My lonliness and anger have clouded my mind and are keeping me from seeing all the things that made my ex fall in love with me and that I have no idea what she has gotten herself into. In truth, I need to think back on all the things that I did offer her, all those qualities and quirks that make me who I am: My humor. At any time could make her laugh so hard she would start crying. My chivarly. I opened every door for her and always walked on the side of traffic. She asked me once why I did that and my reply was "In case I see a car coming it would hit me and hopefully not you." My words. Though I only wrote her poetry and love letters after our breakup I know in my heart that her fiance has not the ounce of poetic passion that I can put to paper. My life. I would have sacrificed everything for her, including my life. To me that was a big deal since I have no one that could say the same to me. I truly can imagine such passion, love and romance. It vexes me why I was unable and unwilling to allow those to grow. In many respects we were only friends. She always wanted more and I always resisted, until it was too late. It's not the breakup or the countless months afterwards or even the learning of her engagment that haunt me the most now. It's the words she spoke to me when she broke up with me; "Something's missing". Something was missing and it cost me love. It cost me over 5 years of my life and it cost me my desire, hope and will. We want what we cant have. I fought all of last year the desire to get her back. I fight now to let go of the regret, the anger to have hope and continue to heal and to see myself with someone new. I have made a promise to myself to not make the same mistakes again. I will fall in love again. Orlander

You want to keep from having dreams about someone? Try this...whatever you dreamt about, close your eyes and recreate the event. But, this time whenever your ex enters into the scene confront him/her, look him/her in the eye and tell them to get the hell away from you. You can be kind yet firm at first. If the dreams persist, get angry and determined. If they are in your bed, knock them out of bed and pick up that phone to call the cops. If you are walking along together on the beach while holding hands, let go of their hand and tell them to bugger off. Orlander

There are people gettin in and out of relationships all the time. People who are genuinely caring, kind, funny, attractive and want real love in their lives. I know, because I am one of them. I absolutely refuse to give any merit to the opinion that everyone or worth is taken or that it will just be luck that I happen to find someone to love again. Orlander

Thank you, RayKay for putting the mirror up to my own face. I'm trying to manifest what I want. For the first time in well over a year and a half I feel ready for love again (for the most part). My question is...where is it? I'm focusing on staying positive. It's all part of the process. I'll find love again. I just dont want to wait. I'm ready. I had issues that prevented me from being able to love. I had baggage...massive baggage. Now, I don't. So, now that I dont it seems impossible to locate someone like me. Also, each time I ever found love I took action to get it. I dont believe that it just finds you. Ive always taken some kind of action to begin the relationship, like striking up a conversation with someone new. I just want to know how realistic it is want to meet someone who isnt carrying around a bunch of baggage. Where are all the cute, eligible, capable of loving bachlorettes without emotional baggage? Orlander

Ok, so I have been back in the dating scene now for about 2 months. I've been on a lot of dates and have become comfortable with dating and asking women out. I've gotten much of my self confidence, charm and flirtatious nature back. Dating no longer scares and I am able to be interesting, outgoing and genuinely entertaining (if I say so myself I've been frustrated recently. I remember the feeling I had when I met my ex. She had so many qualities I look for in a woman. There was just something about her. When we talked, we were both engaged in the conversation and genuinely, truly interested in what each other had to say. She was pleasant, made eye contact and while I made sure to focus on her and her life, she did the same thing. The meeting, the conversation, even the goodbye was textbook romance. Each day we IMd each other, called each other and our times together were truly romantic...there was a genuine connection. Then, she said to me something that made me sure I wanted to be with her. She said "Orlander, I want to know everything about you." Where is that? I'm so tired of meeting women who are SOOO wrapped un in themselves, who talk only of themselves or who dont even show a phony interest in wanting to get to know me. I can't tell you how many emails I sent out to women on Match and have gotten back replies that basically answer the questions I wrote but didnt ask me anything. I think i am all but convinced that online dating services only work if you are looking to hookup or on the rebound. I feel like there are 100 guys trying to nail each single girl. Hell, even my ex managed to find someone almost immediately after moving back in town from college and I was SHOCKED when i learned that. Seems like these guys are coming out of the woodworks like cockroaches. I'll admit that I'm a little picky. I am looking for someone in her mid to late 20's, who isnt involved with anyone, doesnt have children but wants a family, is cute, who is active and is open to falling in love and being in a loving relationship. I admit that I tend to go for women on the slender side. I've tried to remain positive and have faith that when I am ready love will find a way. To be honest I was not in a good place to receive the love of a woman prior to recently, but now that I do know I am ready for it...where is it? It's been over a year and a half since I became single. I really hoped I would be engaged or married by now and my ex would still be looking. Now, I am sure she has the man of her dreams and the perfect relationship and I have nothing. Just venting, I guess. I hate to admit that most of my adult life I was surrounded by women who were eligible, cute and potentially loving and who wanted to get to know me, but I either blew them off or treated them badly. For so many years I was looking for the perfect woman. I thought I even found her once and after a few months discovered that I had lost interest even in her, just like the rest. I dont think i really understood what love was until recently. So, is it Karma? am I being punished by God for my past actions? It feels that way sometime. Everything happens for a reason, but I'm ready for love and would die to hear a woman say to me again "Orlander,I want to learn everything about you". So, this is part of the healing process? Am I just supposed to keep pursuing someone who may not show much interest in me initially in the hopes her level of interest will change? How many people have relationships that started out like the one I described with my ex? It seemed perfect. When we finally feel ready to be in a new relationship. I want to fall in love and get to know everything about someone and ive never felt that way before. Guess I just need to be patient and keep trying. Orlander

Yes! This seems like classic "leading you on" action to me. He just might be keeping you as an option unless something else better doesnt come along. I think you should be kind to yourself and allow yourself to heal. Orlander

Well, donwon, I can only say that I believe the reason you are unable to find someone to date might have something to do with your perspective and attitude. Orlander

I just have to say that after readin this post and watching The Secret, reading the Law of Attraction, and Wayne Dyer's The Power of Intention and even several passages in the Bible that I believe we create what we think. Looking back I see that where I am today and what I feel I have or am lacking is directly related to how I have thought and acted upon those thoughts in the past and how I act and think currently. Great stuff, indeed. I'm still learning to cultivate a more positive attitude and thought patterns. Orlander

Good. Keep up with that menatility. Wanting to be friends with her is still wanting her. It's just a mask for not being healed. When you no longer care about her is when you will be over her. Oh, dont get me wrong...you can still love her, but it will be in a platonic way. Trust me, that feeling, the feeling of letting go is the absolute best feeling in the world. I'm still working towards it and so should you. Orlander