blanco

Day 3 This isn't really working so far. I've communicated with you each day of NC, but not by my own design. She seems to be intentionally not understanding my letter. My cynical side says she had planned to ask me to watch her kids while she went to Europe with the new guy in a few weeks, and so I'm blowing up her plans. At any rate, these last couple of days, I've had no real desire to see her. I had to go to her house today to get the kids, but my body felt tense the whole time I was there. Thankfully, she was in another room the entire time.

Day 2 Bit of an odd start to this NC thing. About an hour after I posted my Day 1 updated, she texted asking for clarification regarding the letter I gave her. I felt it was really succinct and clear as to how I was feeling (i.e. I thought I could handle remaining around, but I know now I was wrong). Sounds like she doesn't get that it means I also can't see the kids for a while. I didn't acknowledge that part, because in the same text, she told me she had been in a car accident right after I saw her. Everyone was OK and she was not at fault, but it was still obviously a scary thing. I haven't communicated with her since. I would think she will follow up on her clarification request since I didn't respond to that, but who knows. I just need to be away from it all, as much as it hurts. It hurts more to be around. I woke up in the middle of night, my throat on fire, my body week, and my nose stuffed up. It was almost as if my body was saying, "I can't handle the emotional stress you've put me through the last two months." I know I'll still care, but in my hazy state, I remember thinking, "I just don't care about this anymore. I want it to be done with."

Day 1 About four months to the day since I left and kicked off this bizarre, challenging period in my life. Things had been rocky for a long time, and we'd had many false breakups or near breakups. This felt different, even though I never ruled out reconciliation. I mostly felt guilt for giving up on the three-year relationship, and leaving her to raise her two young children alone for the first time in her life. I stayed present after, helping with the transition. Thing is, she moved on a lot faster than I did. She's been dating someone else for two months, while I've not even been on a date. I just hadn't been ready. I needed to focus on reclaiming who I am. Who I was. I initiated NC on my 30th birthday seven weeks ago. That lasted a whopping nine days, easily the longest we'd gone with no communication. But I drove by her place nearly every day, checking to see if the new guy's car was there. So in short, it wasn't really NC. After putting off NC for seven weeks, I've accepted that I won't feel healed until I remove myself from her life entirely. Maybe not forever, but certainly for now. I can't keep torturing myself with her new-found relationship with a guy who has all the makings of a rebound. In fact, it feels like this is a double rebound, since he has just finalized his divorce. So here it is. I gave her the NC letter a few hours ago. Now it's time for the hard part. No communication. No checking online. No driving by her place. Not thinking too much of her dear children wondering where I've gone or when they will see me again. It's time to focus on me and accept that the last three years of my life was just a phase. An important one, but not one to keep holding on to. It's served its purpose. And now it's time to grow from it.